A cheerier post could not exist. (Irony)
I can barely function.
I've been crying more than laughing for the last week at least. Waking up in tears, falling asleep on a wet pillow. My head hurts. My eyes ache.
I'm so sick of this!!! But it's not going away! AND NOTHING I AM TRYING IS HELPING!!!
I'm so tired.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I want my smiles to feel FUCKING REAL! To not be accompanied by eyes that are too bright. Too wet. Too...fuck me.
There's this haunting thought that if I knew what was wrong the pain would go away. But I know what's wrong and I'm too much of a goddamned pussy to fix it. Well, some of what's wrong.
I guess the rest of it is not having ANY IDEA WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING (here). I have a shit job. I have friends - but they have lives, busy ones. I have a restlessness that hurts and a chafing that is going to draw blood. I'm working on getting involved in volunteer work. I will be getting another job (i have to, I can't live on such piffilous pay)but will that make the pain go away? I still won't know what I'm doing. I'll still be running. I'll still have no home, no life, no future.
GOD! I'M SO FUCKING DEPRESSED!!! WHY WON'T THIS STOP??? WHY??? WHY??? WHY??? WHY??? And NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING is working!
nothing.
Too tired to sleep. Too hungry to eat. I like to go to the bathroom, peeing is freeing. I like my smutty girl-love book. Cheesy songs make me smile. Seeing friends and whiling away hours at a coffee shop lets loads of light in. I miss people, I envy anyone with a plan. A full schedule. A working imagination.
I just spent the last like...HOUR talking to my older brother via texts and gchat trying to calm the fuck down. Get some ideas. Etc. I love my family. I miss them soooo much.
On the inside? I feel like I've been dunked in ice water and then been wrapped in paper towels so thick and tight I can't breathe. My vision is cloudy and my happiness is sitting on a beach in the bahamas and is being serviced by a bunch of nakeds. I want it to come home. I'm gonna make the call, and before the week is out, it'll be home. With me. Held tight in my chest where it belongs instead of this suffocating black hole.
I've been crying more than laughing for the last week at least. Waking up in tears, falling asleep on a wet pillow. My head hurts. My eyes ache.
I'm so sick of this!!! But it's not going away! AND NOTHING I AM TRYING IS HELPING!!!
I'm so tired.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I want my smiles to feel FUCKING REAL! To not be accompanied by eyes that are too bright. Too wet. Too...fuck me.
There's this haunting thought that if I knew what was wrong the pain would go away. But I know what's wrong and I'm too much of a goddamned pussy to fix it. Well, some of what's wrong.
I guess the rest of it is not having ANY IDEA WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING (here). I have a shit job. I have friends - but they have lives, busy ones. I have a restlessness that hurts and a chafing that is going to draw blood. I'm working on getting involved in volunteer work. I will be getting another job (i have to, I can't live on such piffilous pay)but will that make the pain go away? I still won't know what I'm doing. I'll still be running. I'll still have no home, no life, no future.
GOD! I'M SO FUCKING DEPRESSED!!! WHY WON'T THIS STOP??? WHY??? WHY??? WHY??? WHY??? And NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING is working!
nothing.
Too tired to sleep. Too hungry to eat. I like to go to the bathroom, peeing is freeing. I like my smutty girl-love book. Cheesy songs make me smile. Seeing friends and whiling away hours at a coffee shop lets loads of light in. I miss people, I envy anyone with a plan. A full schedule. A working imagination.
I just spent the last like...HOUR talking to my older brother via texts and gchat trying to calm the fuck down. Get some ideas. Etc. I love my family. I miss them soooo much.
On the inside? I feel like I've been dunked in ice water and then been wrapped in paper towels so thick and tight I can't breathe. My vision is cloudy and my happiness is sitting on a beach in the bahamas and is being serviced by a bunch of nakeds. I want it to come home. I'm gonna make the call, and before the week is out, it'll be home. With me. Held tight in my chest where it belongs instead of this suffocating black hole.