I guess I am that kind of person
I've recently caught a very strange disease (Cue Prozzack). It's pretty much the opposite of agoraphobia. In fact, being alone terrifies me. Autophobia. Monophobia. I guess it all comes down to - there's something I don't like about me and it makes it hard for me to want to be around me without a chaperone. Like maybe I'll take advantage of me or something. Kind of like self rape? Except more like a blind date that's awkward and goes on for too long. You know the type.
So, I've started hanging out with lots of different people, and i love them all. Honestly, I've never met such an awesomely eclectic group of people, and I'm stoked that I get to call them friends. But...Well...
I think I must treat people unfairly, or they don't know where they stand with me. I feel like people get the sensation of walking on marbles around me. Why? Do I not say enough? Am I not meeting people halfway? Do they feel like I feel? Like being around me will either lead to a crazed sexual moment, or that things are awkward and have gone on too long?
There's a point where I do something...wrong? Awkward? Unfamiliar? When people realize "oh. She is like this. All the time." I don't really do the phone thing, and unless I'm drunk or really want to just talk I don't really let people in very far. I don't tell people how I feel about them because...shouldn't it be obvious? If I'm hanging out with you, obviously I want to be around you. I don't feel that words are necessarily the best form of communication - but people are so dependent on them.
Lately, in the last couple of weeks, actually, I've noticed that this effect is rather global. The people I've pulled in closest are starting to relax to it and realize it's just how I am. I don't feel the need to see people every day, or talk to them every day. Time is really rather relative, and when the time feels right to be with someone I'll call them up and request their presence. But...I've been getting in trouble for this lately. Either I'm making more friends or I'm just being plain rude.
I wish I knew. If I can I'd like to change to avoid losing people, because every person I know has contributed something awesome to my life. I'm selfish. I don't want them to go away.
So, I've started hanging out with lots of different people, and i love them all. Honestly, I've never met such an awesomely eclectic group of people, and I'm stoked that I get to call them friends. But...Well...
I think I must treat people unfairly, or they don't know where they stand with me. I feel like people get the sensation of walking on marbles around me. Why? Do I not say enough? Am I not meeting people halfway? Do they feel like I feel? Like being around me will either lead to a crazed sexual moment, or that things are awkward and have gone on too long?
There's a point where I do something...wrong? Awkward? Unfamiliar? When people realize "oh. She is like this. All the time." I don't really do the phone thing, and unless I'm drunk or really want to just talk I don't really let people in very far. I don't tell people how I feel about them because...shouldn't it be obvious? If I'm hanging out with you, obviously I want to be around you. I don't feel that words are necessarily the best form of communication - but people are so dependent on them.
Lately, in the last couple of weeks, actually, I've noticed that this effect is rather global. The people I've pulled in closest are starting to relax to it and realize it's just how I am. I don't feel the need to see people every day, or talk to them every day. Time is really rather relative, and when the time feels right to be with someone I'll call them up and request their presence. But...I've been getting in trouble for this lately. Either I'm making more friends or I'm just being plain rude.
I wish I knew. If I can I'd like to change to avoid losing people, because every person I know has contributed something awesome to my life. I'm selfish. I don't want them to go away.