<3
friday morning. i just got back from northern ohio. let me explain the situation:
my mom brought up going to see relatives wednesday. i told her that i'd rather not. i don't feel comfortable around my relatives anymore. i feel like i'm constantly being judged. anywho. i find out that my mom called my uncle and told that i was planning on going [i'll explain further]. yesterday she was getting ready to leave and she said "why aren't you ready?".i told her i wasn't going. and explained that the day before i told her i wasn't. she then puts this whole thing on me saying "but i told them you would be there!". she told me how selfish i am. how i only do for myself. how she's the only one in this world that cares about me. and how i don't seem to love her anymore. she had hand surgery about three weeks ago. she claimed that i had to go because she needed me to drive. even though she drove all the way up and back. this whole scheme is not abnormal. she always does this to me. this is why i get so mad at her...
i swear to god. if she doesn't stop. i might permanently have a hate for our relationship. throughout my whole life, she's put this guilt trip on me. just so i would stay by her side constantly. she always complains how no one is there for her. there are even times she yells at me because she says that she's all alone. she always said she had a horrible childhood. how her parents were never there for her. but hey, who hasn't had it bad as a child. i think she's half dilusional anyways. what she doesn't realize is that the more she does this. the more she tries to hold me. the farther she's pushing me away. i'm almost to the point of running away for the rest of the summer. she also doesn't realize what i'm going through. i'm trying to clean my life up. but as of right now. with all of this. it's taking every ounce of my last strength to just live day by day. she expects so much out of me. ever since i was 5. it's been me and her. i've always had to be the man of the house. and i've felt like there's always been a heavy burden on my shoulders. little five year old kids shouldn't have to feel that kind of stress. most of the time i'm home, she's yelling at me about something. it's just pushing us apart. she often complains saying "how come you don't seem to show any affection anymore". i almost feel like saying "how do you think i felt when i went through the years of depression that you caused?". i just don't feel close to her anymore. i've tried explaining how i feel to her before. she seems to understand how i feel for that day. we laugh it off. and the rest of the day goes smoothly. but after that. the next day. it's like i didn't even say anything. things go back to the way they were. it's almost like "why do i even bother?". i'm just so frustrated with the whole situation. sorry for writing all of this. i just needed to vent i guess...
my mom brought up going to see relatives wednesday. i told her that i'd rather not. i don't feel comfortable around my relatives anymore. i feel like i'm constantly being judged. anywho. i find out that my mom called my uncle and told that i was planning on going [i'll explain further]. yesterday she was getting ready to leave and she said "why aren't you ready?".i told her i wasn't going. and explained that the day before i told her i wasn't. she then puts this whole thing on me saying "but i told them you would be there!". she told me how selfish i am. how i only do for myself. how she's the only one in this world that cares about me. and how i don't seem to love her anymore. she had hand surgery about three weeks ago. she claimed that i had to go because she needed me to drive. even though she drove all the way up and back. this whole scheme is not abnormal. she always does this to me. this is why i get so mad at her...
i swear to god. if she doesn't stop. i might permanently have a hate for our relationship. throughout my whole life, she's put this guilt trip on me. just so i would stay by her side constantly. she always complains how no one is there for her. there are even times she yells at me because she says that she's all alone. she always said she had a horrible childhood. how her parents were never there for her. but hey, who hasn't had it bad as a child. i think she's half dilusional anyways. what she doesn't realize is that the more she does this. the more she tries to hold me. the farther she's pushing me away. i'm almost to the point of running away for the rest of the summer. she also doesn't realize what i'm going through. i'm trying to clean my life up. but as of right now. with all of this. it's taking every ounce of my last strength to just live day by day. she expects so much out of me. ever since i was 5. it's been me and her. i've always had to be the man of the house. and i've felt like there's always been a heavy burden on my shoulders. little five year old kids shouldn't have to feel that kind of stress. most of the time i'm home, she's yelling at me about something. it's just pushing us apart. she often complains saying "how come you don't seem to show any affection anymore". i almost feel like saying "how do you think i felt when i went through the years of depression that you caused?". i just don't feel close to her anymore. i've tried explaining how i feel to her before. she seems to understand how i feel for that day. we laugh it off. and the rest of the day goes smoothly. but after that. the next day. it's like i didn't even say anything. things go back to the way they were. it's almost like "why do i even bother?". i'm just so frustrated with the whole situation. sorry for writing all of this. i just needed to vent i guess...