Control
I've been thinking about control for awhile now.
Both of the sensual, sexual brand and the control we try to exert on our own lives.
We try to control what we eat, where we go, what happens to us. These are the things that make us feel like we are in control.
But things happen that make us realize that we have so little control. When we like someone we shouldn't, when we trip and fall on our way to our destinations.
I'm scared of control. I can't really control what I eat; I do what my body tells me. When it cries out for food, I give it; this is something that I need to stop doing.
But there's a control that I do enjoy; that I actually feel a thrill when I discover I have it.
The power of arousal on another person; I can cause it. I can make it happen. I learned that lesson through innocence back at Christmas; not once but twice. It was such a rush knowing that I did that. That what I was trying to do succeeded. I had control for a brief second.
I've been looking at my life and realizing that I have little control.
Maybe it's a sign that I'm growing up; shedding my innocence, grounding my free spirit somewhat. I'm controlling what I spend, I'm controlling my destiny better than I ever did.
Granted I don't want to entirely kill my free spirit; I love her. She's a beautiful and fun thing. I'm certainly not as free spirited as I used to be in my youth. I wear shoes now, I don't get grass stains from playing as much as I used to anymore. I kind of miss that part of me. I miss running around my neighbourhood barefoot and carefree. Ignoring my mother's warnings about cutting my feet, injuring myself, all the germs that are out there.
And I like some semblance of control over my living environment, something that's impossible when there are three other people also trying to exert their own control over the living environment, and that's frustrating.
Really that's all I wanted to say; I'm trying to get over my phobia of self-control. It's not a bad thing, it's not something to be feared. It's something I'm going to need if I'm ever going to get anywhere in life.
But fuck if it doesn't depress me to realize that.
Both of the sensual, sexual brand and the control we try to exert on our own lives.
We try to control what we eat, where we go, what happens to us. These are the things that make us feel like we are in control.
But things happen that make us realize that we have so little control. When we like someone we shouldn't, when we trip and fall on our way to our destinations.
I'm scared of control. I can't really control what I eat; I do what my body tells me. When it cries out for food, I give it; this is something that I need to stop doing.
But there's a control that I do enjoy; that I actually feel a thrill when I discover I have it.
The power of arousal on another person; I can cause it. I can make it happen. I learned that lesson through innocence back at Christmas; not once but twice. It was such a rush knowing that I did that. That what I was trying to do succeeded. I had control for a brief second.
I've been looking at my life and realizing that I have little control.
Maybe it's a sign that I'm growing up; shedding my innocence, grounding my free spirit somewhat. I'm controlling what I spend, I'm controlling my destiny better than I ever did.
Granted I don't want to entirely kill my free spirit; I love her. She's a beautiful and fun thing. I'm certainly not as free spirited as I used to be in my youth. I wear shoes now, I don't get grass stains from playing as much as I used to anymore. I kind of miss that part of me. I miss running around my neighbourhood barefoot and carefree. Ignoring my mother's warnings about cutting my feet, injuring myself, all the germs that are out there.
And I like some semblance of control over my living environment, something that's impossible when there are three other people also trying to exert their own control over the living environment, and that's frustrating.
Really that's all I wanted to say; I'm trying to get over my phobia of self-control. It's not a bad thing, it's not something to be feared. It's something I'm going to need if I'm ever going to get anywhere in life.
But fuck if it doesn't depress me to realize that.