(no subject)
its funny how it can take days, weeks to build upto a change but when it finally happens you feel like its always been like that and you struggle to remember how it was before. but in an instant someone can snap their fingers and undo the changes and suddenly your left floundering for how it can be like it was before when you dont remember how it was.
its disorientating. i wish i could say i was sad, or angry or hurt.. i'm not.. i'm numb, and i hate the numbness more than any of those feelings... numb is scary to me. it represents a withdrawl, that the system is out of whack. i should be feeling and i cant and i know that the only thing stopping me is ME. "hello my old friend its been a while, wish i could say its nice to see you again but its not, i thought you were out of my life for good and that i didnt have to deal with you anymore."
why did i let my guard down? why didnt i expect the usual.. things never go how i want, remember?
i dont want to pull away. i dont want to curl into my shell and become unaccessible to all again. i hated that me... he was lonely and miserable.
The last two days were great, i felt so good and strong. i feel like a different person to yesterday.. who was that guy? how can i get him back without risking another sacrifice of sanity.
but you dont stop being my friend and i dont stop being yours. and tho things are like someone pulled the floor from under us right now, doesnt mean that we should feel bad or guilty for having hope, hope is good.. and so were the last two days.
i dont want you to jepordise what you have in r/l with your man, he's good and decent and i know you love him so much. dont turn your disappointment on him and push him away. he has a right to his feelings as we have.
*hugs you gently*
its disorientating. i wish i could say i was sad, or angry or hurt.. i'm not.. i'm numb, and i hate the numbness more than any of those feelings... numb is scary to me. it represents a withdrawl, that the system is out of whack. i should be feeling and i cant and i know that the only thing stopping me is ME. "hello my old friend its been a while, wish i could say its nice to see you again but its not, i thought you were out of my life for good and that i didnt have to deal with you anymore."
why did i let my guard down? why didnt i expect the usual.. things never go how i want, remember?
i dont want to pull away. i dont want to curl into my shell and become unaccessible to all again. i hated that me... he was lonely and miserable.
The last two days were great, i felt so good and strong. i feel like a different person to yesterday.. who was that guy? how can i get him back without risking another sacrifice of sanity.
but you dont stop being my friend and i dont stop being yours. and tho things are like someone pulled the floor from under us right now, doesnt mean that we should feel bad or guilty for having hope, hope is good.. and so were the last two days.
i dont want you to jepordise what you have in r/l with your man, he's good and decent and i know you love him so much. dont turn your disappointment on him and push him away. he has a right to his feelings as we have.
*hugs you gently*