QaF standalone "My Dinner with Brian" with a side of Orlibean
Here is fic #6 for tdorian who requested a dinner scene in the cannibal verse and to doylebaby who requested some kind of Orlibean.
So here it is.
This has Brian's back story so there isn't any Justin, but it will still appeal to all my Queer as Folk cannibal readers.
Also, it has Orlando Bloom and Sean Ben which should appeal to my Orlibean readers as well.
Enjoy!
Btw, this is the Orlando Bloom in this fic:
Orlando was a content man.
He loved life and enjoyed every minute of it.
That is, he enjoyed every 3,000 years of it he had lived so far.
For you see, Orlando was from the Septus galaxy, from a planet called Titus Six which is always being confused with Titus Seven which in Orlando's opinion is ridiculous since the Defarbler Rion lives there and one could not possibly inhabit a planet where that foul creature resided. Besides liking to eat the heads of all Titus Six natives, they're usually a really noisy lot and their shit smelled pretty bad.
So yes, Orlando was quite a content man, what with his vaults of gold that allowed him to live in the life style he was accustomed to and most importantly, he was quite happy with who he had chosen as his life mate as he loved Sean dearly. But despite all that, Orlando was also a bored man.
So he liked to spice things up.
One of the ways he did this was by getting into his space craft, the Platelet 5000 (much more fuel efficient and faster than the 4500) and visiting Earth.
He could race across the galaxy, getting there within a standard Earth hour, visit some poor human, fuck with their heads, beam back up to his craft, then race back across the galaxy and be home in time for dinner with his lover, Sean.
That was all the man asked of him.
And so he kept to his promise.
He liked visiting Earth. He wasn't anything like those other aliens who actually inhabited the blue and green planet, the ones that acquired jobs in factories and installed bugs on people's garments and other products. His planet didn't want to take Earth over. Their planet had plenty of resources, lots of room, and many evacuation plans should some asteroid set a course for their home world or should their sun decide to poop out one day.
Earth didn't have one of those so it was considered insignificant. But seriously, it was a fun place to visit since they actually believed they were the only ones out there.
Oh if they only knew...
Today he decided to visit the northeastern region of the United States, a place called Pennsylvania. He hadn't been to that state in about three of Earth's decades.
The last time he was there, he had met a very pious woman.
Now she wasn't anything to write home about (literally as Sean didn't care what he got up to down here, but he certainly didn't want a blow by blow description either) but it was her total naivety regarding her faith that intrigued him.
So he had popped out of nowhere (beaming down from his craft made life so much easier and fun) and proclaimed he was an angel from above. She believed him because of course, mortals didn't simply materialize out of thin air.
Orlando declared he would have to mate with her as she was pure of soul so he could go back to Heaven and reclaim his spot at the right hand of the Lord. She decided that it was her Christian duty to do this deed because she was such a pious woman.
And let's face it. She was happy to oblige because he was pretty sure she found him hot (he was not loathe to admit this to anyone as Sean corroborated this sentiment on a daily basis).
Sex with the Earth woman had not been that great but it had been a hoot every time she recited an act of contrition during each and every one of her many, many orgasms.
This time he beamed down to a quiet rural county, noting on his tracking device, that he had landed somewhere between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.
As he was walking, Orlando came upon a farmhouse. Stepping onto the porch, he approached the screen door, opened it to knock on the door (why did all these doors squeak - hadn't they ever heard of WD-40?) and a tall, beautiful man answered at his knock.
The man at the door looked Orlando up and down in appraisal while Orlando did the same.
And at the same time, while both men had been leering at each other, they both quirked their lips into a smile.
"You lost?" the man at the door asked.
"No, although I'm a bit far from home. Could I trouble you for some accommodations such as a place to stay for a bit and some food to eat. I'll be back on my merry way before you know it," Orlando pleaded while flashing his most winning smile.
"Yeah, come on in," the man said. As he stepped into the foyer, the man put his hand out. "I'm Brian, Brian Kinney."
"Orlando," he replied.
"Orlando...?"
"Just Orlando. Liker Madonna, yeah?"
"Well Orlando, you're just in time for dinner. And it's not just any dinner," Brian chuckled as he clapped his hands together, "you came during Uncle Vic's birthday, so we're having quite the feast."
"Must be my lucky day, yeah?" Orlando grinned.
"Yeah, something like that," Brian smirked, before it turned into an openly lusty gaze directed at his house guest.
Orlando hadn't been around for 3,000 years not to know when someone was checking him out.
They both walked into the dining room, where a feast indeed was laid out. Quite sumptuous at that too.
There seemed to be every type of cooked meat at the table surrounded on all sides by various fruits, vegetables and assorted greens.
Orlando stopped as he neared the table to sit down. He looked a bit more closely at the entrees,. That couldn't be...
"Something wrong Orlando?" Brian asked innocently.
"No, nothing," Orlando shrugged indifferently. "So where is everyone?"
"Just doing some last minute preparations. We could start now," Brian said as he pointed at the feast.
"Oh no! I couldn't. We should wait."
"Naw, we don't stand on formality here. Sit down. Dig in," Brian enthused as he hooked his thumbs behind his overall straps. Orlando got the impression this hick routine of his host was all put on for his benefit.
Orlando reached for the green beans and put a small helping onto his plate.
"Come on. You can do better than that," Brian mocked.
"I could," Orlando laughed. And with that, he helped himself to three slices of brisket, compete with mushroom gravy, five meaty ribs and a leg of...
"Is that a whole fucking lamb? I mean look at that leg!"
"Yeah...lamb," Brian muttered.
After having laden his plate down, Orlando began to slice into the brisket.
"Not dry, not stringy, in fact, quite good." As he chewed he watched as Brian bit into a thick, sauce encrusted rib. Orlando took in the way Brian chewed his rib, slowly savoring every meaty bite, a slow grin donning his face.
"Good, huh?" Brian inquired while wiping his mouth on his shirt sleeve.
"Yeah it is." Orlando picked up one of the baby potatoes, speared it with his fork and bit into it heartily, chewing with gusto.
Both men contemplated each other lustily as Brian took another bite from his rib, a hungry look in eyes, while Orlando picked up the leg of whatever it was off his plate and did the same. He tore a piece of meat off with just his teeth, chewing and moaning at the same time.
Brian grabbed an ear of corn and ate one row at a time, quickly, wiping his mouth on the shoulder of his shirt while Orlando absconded with a pear from the fruit bowl.
As he bit into the pear, the juice dribbled down his chin.
Brian watched in rapt fascination as the liquid made its journey, Orlando knowing full well the man before him would have loved to lick the path it made.
Reaching into the salad bowl, Brian came away with a cherry tomato, placing it between his teeth but before biting it down, he retrieved the morsel with his tongue, to be chewed quite slowly.
The final straw had come as Orlando had picked up a beefy rib, bit into it, leaving a smear of sauce on his upper lip, his tongue snaking out to wipe it clean. He did it three more times before Brian jumped from his chair at the table. "I think we should head to my..."
"If you say 'pad,' I may have to reconsider my opinion of you," Orlando smirked as he glanced at the evidence of their impassioned display of gluttony.
Brian sighed. "I know you want it as bad as I do..."
"Hold on mate," Orlando stopped as he put his ravished rib down. "I like to fuck with people, but I'm not that fucked up."
"Huh? You some kind of homophobe," Brian said defensively.
"Yeah, right. I think my male lover pretty much disqualifies me from that."
"But you don't want to...wait. You're gay but you don't want to sleep...with me?" Brian exclaimed incredulously.
"Shocking isn't it. But no, like I said, I'm not even that fucked up. Look, Joanie Kinney is your mum, right?"
"How did you...? Who the fuck are you?" Brian asked.
If Orlando was to guess, the raging hard on Brian had sported just a scant few moments ago was long gone. It was somewhere in the Philippines by now.
"I sort of met your mum about the time you were conceived," Orlando said while winking, "if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, right?"
"Wait, are you saying...?" Brian started laughing. "What are you? 24? 26 at the latest? I'm 29..."
"30, you're 30. Seriously what difference does it make. 29, 30. It's all the same. You'll live at the most, what 60 more years and then its bye bye land of the living," Orlando shrugged.
"Who are you?" Brian asked again.
"You know, I could do a Star Wars joke, but I won't. It's just too cliche. Let's just say, did you really think Jack was your father?"
"You mean, you're...you're," Brian stuttered.
"Yeah, I am. Well look its been fun catching up," Orlando said as he popped out of his chair. "Thanks for the food. I don't know who it was you fed me, I can only hope it was someone who was a real asshole."
"You know what I am?" Brian asked, still confused by everything.
"You mean a self absorbed prick who only likes to fuck people one time or a cannibal?"
"A cannibal, yeah," Brian finished with a roll of his eyes.
"Oh yeah, I knew. You think I came here by accident? I always come to this planet to check on my progeny every now and then. 3,000 years and you sort of leave your mark behind, yeah?" Orlando grinned smugly.
"You're an alien. Do I have special abilities?" Brian asked.
"I don't have special abilities...well except for the whole immortality gig. But I can do this with my tongue." Brian watched as Orlando rolled his tongue.
"I can do that!" Brian scoffed.
"See? I guess I passed that on to you. Well, I'll be off."
"You okay with me being a cannibal?"
"Hey, look, it's an eat or be eaten kind of world here so I say you're one step ahead, right? Oh, and I guess I should come completely clean with you now that we've bonded."
"We have?"
"Yeah, it was quick, but hey! You're not gonna live forever...I will...but you won't. So yeah. I lied," Orlando said in all seriousness.
"You're not my father are you?" Brian replied in relief.
"Oh no, I am. I lied about the brisket being good. Cut against the grain next time."
And with that, Orlando beamed out of the house, noticing the gobsmacked expression on Brian's face.
And somewhere on Titus Six, right about dinner time, Orlando beamed back into his flat where his lover was waiting with dinner.
"You're late," Sean droned.
"Sorry, but you know, catching up with offspring and all that. Oh dinner looks great but I don't think I could eat a thing right now," Orlando apologized to his lover while kissing him solidly on the lips in propitiation. "I've already eaten."
"Wot? But you're usually hungry no matter how much you've consumed," Sean exclaimed incredulously.
"Yeah, but human meat is pretty filling," Orlando said and confirmed it with a loud belch.
"Human? We stopped eating human about 4,000 years ago when our planet found out they were sentient beings."
"Well, some of them are," Orlando muttered. "No, one of my sons...he's a cannibal and I couldn't be rude."
"Oh, well, that's all right then," Sean agreed. "So what did it taste like?"
"Like defarbler rion," Orlando giggled.
Both Sean and Orlando broke down into fits of laughter.
Because as some of you may not be aware, defarbler rion is nothing more than a really big chicken.
Fin
In case you didn't know, I was spoofing the eating scene from that wonderful classic, Tom Jones made in 1963
Hope you enjoyed!
So here it is.
This has Brian's back story so there isn't any Justin, but it will still appeal to all my Queer as Folk cannibal readers.
Also, it has Orlando Bloom and Sean Ben which should appeal to my Orlibean readers as well.
Enjoy!
Btw, this is the Orlando Bloom in this fic:
Orlando was a content man.
He loved life and enjoyed every minute of it.
That is, he enjoyed every 3,000 years of it he had lived so far.
For you see, Orlando was from the Septus galaxy, from a planet called Titus Six which is always being confused with Titus Seven which in Orlando's opinion is ridiculous since the Defarbler Rion lives there and one could not possibly inhabit a planet where that foul creature resided. Besides liking to eat the heads of all Titus Six natives, they're usually a really noisy lot and their shit smelled pretty bad.
So yes, Orlando was quite a content man, what with his vaults of gold that allowed him to live in the life style he was accustomed to and most importantly, he was quite happy with who he had chosen as his life mate as he loved Sean dearly. But despite all that, Orlando was also a bored man.
So he liked to spice things up.
One of the ways he did this was by getting into his space craft, the Platelet 5000 (much more fuel efficient and faster than the 4500) and visiting Earth.
He could race across the galaxy, getting there within a standard Earth hour, visit some poor human, fuck with their heads, beam back up to his craft, then race back across the galaxy and be home in time for dinner with his lover, Sean.
That was all the man asked of him.
And so he kept to his promise.
He liked visiting Earth. He wasn't anything like those other aliens who actually inhabited the blue and green planet, the ones that acquired jobs in factories and installed bugs on people's garments and other products. His planet didn't want to take Earth over. Their planet had plenty of resources, lots of room, and many evacuation plans should some asteroid set a course for their home world or should their sun decide to poop out one day.
Earth didn't have one of those so it was considered insignificant. But seriously, it was a fun place to visit since they actually believed they were the only ones out there.
Oh if they only knew...
Today he decided to visit the northeastern region of the United States, a place called Pennsylvania. He hadn't been to that state in about three of Earth's decades.
The last time he was there, he had met a very pious woman.
Now she wasn't anything to write home about (literally as Sean didn't care what he got up to down here, but he certainly didn't want a blow by blow description either) but it was her total naivety regarding her faith that intrigued him.
So he had popped out of nowhere (beaming down from his craft made life so much easier and fun) and proclaimed he was an angel from above. She believed him because of course, mortals didn't simply materialize out of thin air.
Orlando declared he would have to mate with her as she was pure of soul so he could go back to Heaven and reclaim his spot at the right hand of the Lord. She decided that it was her Christian duty to do this deed because she was such a pious woman.
And let's face it. She was happy to oblige because he was pretty sure she found him hot (he was not loathe to admit this to anyone as Sean corroborated this sentiment on a daily basis).
Sex with the Earth woman had not been that great but it had been a hoot every time she recited an act of contrition during each and every one of her many, many orgasms.
This time he beamed down to a quiet rural county, noting on his tracking device, that he had landed somewhere between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.
As he was walking, Orlando came upon a farmhouse. Stepping onto the porch, he approached the screen door, opened it to knock on the door (why did all these doors squeak - hadn't they ever heard of WD-40?) and a tall, beautiful man answered at his knock.
The man at the door looked Orlando up and down in appraisal while Orlando did the same.
And at the same time, while both men had been leering at each other, they both quirked their lips into a smile.
"You lost?" the man at the door asked.
"No, although I'm a bit far from home. Could I trouble you for some accommodations such as a place to stay for a bit and some food to eat. I'll be back on my merry way before you know it," Orlando pleaded while flashing his most winning smile.
"Yeah, come on in," the man said. As he stepped into the foyer, the man put his hand out. "I'm Brian, Brian Kinney."
"Orlando," he replied.
"Orlando...?"
"Just Orlando. Liker Madonna, yeah?"
"Well Orlando, you're just in time for dinner. And it's not just any dinner," Brian chuckled as he clapped his hands together, "you came during Uncle Vic's birthday, so we're having quite the feast."
"Must be my lucky day, yeah?" Orlando grinned.
"Yeah, something like that," Brian smirked, before it turned into an openly lusty gaze directed at his house guest.
Orlando hadn't been around for 3,000 years not to know when someone was checking him out.
They both walked into the dining room, where a feast indeed was laid out. Quite sumptuous at that too.
There seemed to be every type of cooked meat at the table surrounded on all sides by various fruits, vegetables and assorted greens.
Orlando stopped as he neared the table to sit down. He looked a bit more closely at the entrees,. That couldn't be...
"Something wrong Orlando?" Brian asked innocently.
"No, nothing," Orlando shrugged indifferently. "So where is everyone?"
"Just doing some last minute preparations. We could start now," Brian said as he pointed at the feast.
"Oh no! I couldn't. We should wait."
"Naw, we don't stand on formality here. Sit down. Dig in," Brian enthused as he hooked his thumbs behind his overall straps. Orlando got the impression this hick routine of his host was all put on for his benefit.
Orlando reached for the green beans and put a small helping onto his plate.
"Come on. You can do better than that," Brian mocked.
"I could," Orlando laughed. And with that, he helped himself to three slices of brisket, compete with mushroom gravy, five meaty ribs and a leg of...
"Is that a whole fucking lamb? I mean look at that leg!"
"Yeah...lamb," Brian muttered.
After having laden his plate down, Orlando began to slice into the brisket.
"Not dry, not stringy, in fact, quite good." As he chewed he watched as Brian bit into a thick, sauce encrusted rib. Orlando took in the way Brian chewed his rib, slowly savoring every meaty bite, a slow grin donning his face.
"Good, huh?" Brian inquired while wiping his mouth on his shirt sleeve.
"Yeah it is." Orlando picked up one of the baby potatoes, speared it with his fork and bit into it heartily, chewing with gusto.
Both men contemplated each other lustily as Brian took another bite from his rib, a hungry look in eyes, while Orlando picked up the leg of whatever it was off his plate and did the same. He tore a piece of meat off with just his teeth, chewing and moaning at the same time.
Brian grabbed an ear of corn and ate one row at a time, quickly, wiping his mouth on the shoulder of his shirt while Orlando absconded with a pear from the fruit bowl.
As he bit into the pear, the juice dribbled down his chin.
Brian watched in rapt fascination as the liquid made its journey, Orlando knowing full well the man before him would have loved to lick the path it made.
Reaching into the salad bowl, Brian came away with a cherry tomato, placing it between his teeth but before biting it down, he retrieved the morsel with his tongue, to be chewed quite slowly.
The final straw had come as Orlando had picked up a beefy rib, bit into it, leaving a smear of sauce on his upper lip, his tongue snaking out to wipe it clean. He did it three more times before Brian jumped from his chair at the table. "I think we should head to my..."
"If you say 'pad,' I may have to reconsider my opinion of you," Orlando smirked as he glanced at the evidence of their impassioned display of gluttony.
Brian sighed. "I know you want it as bad as I do..."
"Hold on mate," Orlando stopped as he put his ravished rib down. "I like to fuck with people, but I'm not that fucked up."
"Huh? You some kind of homophobe," Brian said defensively.
"Yeah, right. I think my male lover pretty much disqualifies me from that."
"But you don't want to...wait. You're gay but you don't want to sleep...with me?" Brian exclaimed incredulously.
"Shocking isn't it. But no, like I said, I'm not even that fucked up. Look, Joanie Kinney is your mum, right?"
"How did you...? Who the fuck are you?" Brian asked.
If Orlando was to guess, the raging hard on Brian had sported just a scant few moments ago was long gone. It was somewhere in the Philippines by now.
"I sort of met your mum about the time you were conceived," Orlando said while winking, "if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, right?"
"Wait, are you saying...?" Brian started laughing. "What are you? 24? 26 at the latest? I'm 29..."
"30, you're 30. Seriously what difference does it make. 29, 30. It's all the same. You'll live at the most, what 60 more years and then its bye bye land of the living," Orlando shrugged.
"Who are you?" Brian asked again.
"You know, I could do a Star Wars joke, but I won't. It's just too cliche. Let's just say, did you really think Jack was your father?"
"You mean, you're...you're," Brian stuttered.
"Yeah, I am. Well look its been fun catching up," Orlando said as he popped out of his chair. "Thanks for the food. I don't know who it was you fed me, I can only hope it was someone who was a real asshole."
"You know what I am?" Brian asked, still confused by everything.
"You mean a self absorbed prick who only likes to fuck people one time or a cannibal?"
"A cannibal, yeah," Brian finished with a roll of his eyes.
"Oh yeah, I knew. You think I came here by accident? I always come to this planet to check on my progeny every now and then. 3,000 years and you sort of leave your mark behind, yeah?" Orlando grinned smugly.
"You're an alien. Do I have special abilities?" Brian asked.
"I don't have special abilities...well except for the whole immortality gig. But I can do this with my tongue." Brian watched as Orlando rolled his tongue.
"I can do that!" Brian scoffed.
"See? I guess I passed that on to you. Well, I'll be off."
"You okay with me being a cannibal?"
"Hey, look, it's an eat or be eaten kind of world here so I say you're one step ahead, right? Oh, and I guess I should come completely clean with you now that we've bonded."
"We have?"
"Yeah, it was quick, but hey! You're not gonna live forever...I will...but you won't. So yeah. I lied," Orlando said in all seriousness.
"You're not my father are you?" Brian replied in relief.
"Oh no, I am. I lied about the brisket being good. Cut against the grain next time."
And with that, Orlando beamed out of the house, noticing the gobsmacked expression on Brian's face.
And somewhere on Titus Six, right about dinner time, Orlando beamed back into his flat where his lover was waiting with dinner.
"You're late," Sean droned.
"Sorry, but you know, catching up with offspring and all that. Oh dinner looks great but I don't think I could eat a thing right now," Orlando apologized to his lover while kissing him solidly on the lips in propitiation. "I've already eaten."
"Wot? But you're usually hungry no matter how much you've consumed," Sean exclaimed incredulously.
"Yeah, but human meat is pretty filling," Orlando said and confirmed it with a loud belch.
"Human? We stopped eating human about 4,000 years ago when our planet found out they were sentient beings."
"Well, some of them are," Orlando muttered. "No, one of my sons...he's a cannibal and I couldn't be rude."
"Oh, well, that's all right then," Sean agreed. "So what did it taste like?"
"Like defarbler rion," Orlando giggled.
Both Sean and Orlando broke down into fits of laughter.
Because as some of you may not be aware, defarbler rion is nothing more than a really big chicken.
Fin
In case you didn't know, I was spoofing the eating scene from that wonderful classic, Tom Jones made in 1963
Hope you enjoyed!