No more turning away
I haven't really updated in awhile, I've been using Myspace blogs and just making them private.. but I think I'm going to start using this as my main journal, and I might even start writing a real one.. heh. I'm actually glad no one reads this, and I hope no one finds me on here either. Then I'll have to make me a new one XP
There was this time, I think it was the third night in Australia, when I took the steps to commit suicide. It was a freaking awesome day though, we were throwing shit of our floor's balcony, onto the parking lot. It was funny as hell. It was Craig and I. One of our friends rooms had alcohol, so you know where we headed. We got them and brought them back to our room, but, this chick named Susanne didn't like that idea, she was paranoid of me being sent home. (I got ratted out for having pot earlier) Well, they took them back to their room. Okay, we thought everything would be fine. Nope. Some stupid person decided to tell on us for taking alcohol, even though we brought it back. So.. 10:30-11 at night, Craig and I are called down.. We thought it was for jumping in the pool with our boxers on, since we didn't have time to go get our swimsuits, or for throwing many things off the balcony... Much to our suprise, it was about the alcohol. Well, we told them that they lied about it. Yeah... Well, it was pretty bad, and they were even thinking of sending Craig home.. and he said something to me, but I forgot what he had said. It made me feel really bad, so I saved him from being sent home, but since I had already fucked up I was prolly being sent home.
There I was, in the living room thing of our room, Mark and Craig went to sleep.. I felt so horrible, I saw around, watched TV and DVDs for a bit... Then I took a shower and a bath and decided it was my time to die, I caused to much stress, pain, and misery to too many people. My fun wasn't exactly what other poeple saw as fun. So I took a whole bottle of tylenol, sudafed, and nyquil. I was realy hoping not to wake up in the morning, and if I did I had planned on hanging myself in the bathroom, I even put the.. I forgot what it was, I think it was my lanyard or my chain thing around the hook in the bathroom. I passed out on the bed.
Yep, I woke up... And from then on out it was really akward.
Anyways, I just though I'd get that wrote down so I never forget it. That was the first time I ever prepared myself to die. I can't stand people looking down upon me, people thinking I'm worthless, people doubting my abilties. IT just sucks.
So anyways, other stuff that's been happening.. well.. I think Tawni is having her doubts on me, I'm becoming a sucky boyfriend, I don't know how long she is going to hold on to me for.. :/
When I get my license and a car, I'm definatly going on a road trip. A long, lonely road trip. Me, the music, a guitar and amp... And I'm outta here. I don't know how long or where I'm going, but it'll be cool. I might go up to Seattle to visit the Jimi Hendrix memorial..
I hate myself for worrying and being so paranoid... It really sucks. I worry because, I'm not an anime freak, or a musical or play person.. You know? And some people out there are, and I keep comparing myself to people of her past and just ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
*bangs head on computer desk*
I hate myself.
There was this time, I think it was the third night in Australia, when I took the steps to commit suicide. It was a freaking awesome day though, we were throwing shit of our floor's balcony, onto the parking lot. It was funny as hell. It was Craig and I. One of our friends rooms had alcohol, so you know where we headed. We got them and brought them back to our room, but, this chick named Susanne didn't like that idea, she was paranoid of me being sent home. (I got ratted out for having pot earlier) Well, they took them back to their room. Okay, we thought everything would be fine. Nope. Some stupid person decided to tell on us for taking alcohol, even though we brought it back. So.. 10:30-11 at night, Craig and I are called down.. We thought it was for jumping in the pool with our boxers on, since we didn't have time to go get our swimsuits, or for throwing many things off the balcony... Much to our suprise, it was about the alcohol. Well, we told them that they lied about it. Yeah... Well, it was pretty bad, and they were even thinking of sending Craig home.. and he said something to me, but I forgot what he had said. It made me feel really bad, so I saved him from being sent home, but since I had already fucked up I was prolly being sent home.
There I was, in the living room thing of our room, Mark and Craig went to sleep.. I felt so horrible, I saw around, watched TV and DVDs for a bit... Then I took a shower and a bath and decided it was my time to die, I caused to much stress, pain, and misery to too many people. My fun wasn't exactly what other poeple saw as fun. So I took a whole bottle of tylenol, sudafed, and nyquil. I was realy hoping not to wake up in the morning, and if I did I had planned on hanging myself in the bathroom, I even put the.. I forgot what it was, I think it was my lanyard or my chain thing around the hook in the bathroom. I passed out on the bed.
Yep, I woke up... And from then on out it was really akward.
Anyways, I just though I'd get that wrote down so I never forget it. That was the first time I ever prepared myself to die. I can't stand people looking down upon me, people thinking I'm worthless, people doubting my abilties. IT just sucks.
So anyways, other stuff that's been happening.. well.. I think Tawni is having her doubts on me, I'm becoming a sucky boyfriend, I don't know how long she is going to hold on to me for.. :/
When I get my license and a car, I'm definatly going on a road trip. A long, lonely road trip. Me, the music, a guitar and amp... And I'm outta here. I don't know how long or where I'm going, but it'll be cool. I might go up to Seattle to visit the Jimi Hendrix memorial..
I hate myself for worrying and being so paranoid... It really sucks. I worry because, I'm not an anime freak, or a musical or play person.. You know? And some people out there are, and I keep comparing myself to people of her past and just ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
*bangs head on computer desk*
I hate myself.