dont even read this, im in the WORST mood ever
I DO NOT BELONG TO YOU ANYMORE. IF YOU "LOVED" ME YOU WOULD LET ME GO. you would fucking set me free FOR ONCE. im happy now, and you will not destroy that, not this time.
okay so i had a horrible day. i got my stupid pcitures back from prom and toronto and i want every picture i am in to be burnt. ive gained like5000000 pounds and i look like a piece of shit. i hate pictures of me. HATE them. i want to go hide in a cave now. and not eat for like a month. i wish i knew how to be not critical of myself. i wish i could look int he mirror and just accept who i am. why is it so hard for me to just look at a picture of myself and just accept it? i get myself into the worst state of mind over this. ive always had a hard time just like looking in a mirror at myself. if i think too much it makes me want to just disappear. i just sit there and wonder why i have it in my mind that im so shitty, and that everyone else around me is perfect. i know that its not true. but i cant help feeling that way. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. i need to shutup.
im so mad at school. i feel like wastingmy time and accomplishing NOTHING whatsoever. im learning pointless crap that i dont need to know, and i therefore feel like im wasting alot of valueable time. but thenagain, i dont know what id do with that extra time. i jsut feel like somethng is missing. im always wishing i could be someone else. i waste my stupid time thinking that. akhkjahdskfjwfkjnk. god dammit. i h ate myself.
i hate losing touch with people. ive lost touch with spencer. we barley ever talk now and that makes me sad because he used to be the one i would talk to about everything i could think of. now i deal with it on my own, except thats what i suck at most. i am driving myself insane. i cant take critisism at all, yet i am overly critical of myself. im so sick of feeling like this. i need to do something with myself. i really just want to get away from myself but that cant happen obviously. i just feel so worthless more and more everyday. i feel like im getting really stupid too. i dont even do well in school anymore. when i was trying to, i was doing bad. and now i dont even try because it didnt get me anywhere. so bsically i LOSE. no matter what. i miss talking to him so much. he used to make me feel so much better about life.
on a lighter note i got to see brian and talk to him today, and that was the highlight. i really really happy right now with him, things are just like, perfect with him. we might go to the beach on monday if its nice out. except i refuse to wear a fucking BATHING SUIT in front of ANYONE, never mind him. it could be a perfect day, but me and my stupid self-conscienceness will be there to make me feel like a whale. oh joy. i look like im expecting a BABY in my prom pictures. that was amazingly uplifting to view. i look like i have a PILLOW up my dress. how awesome.
okay i have to go make dinner. oh cool MORE FOOD, just what i want at this very moment. sorry this entry is to god damn pessimistic, im tired and in the worst mood ive ever been in my entire life. please IGNORE THIS. i just needed to vent my frustration out. sorry all. <3
okay so i had a horrible day. i got my stupid pcitures back from prom and toronto and i want every picture i am in to be burnt. ive gained like5000000 pounds and i look like a piece of shit. i hate pictures of me. HATE them. i want to go hide in a cave now. and not eat for like a month. i wish i knew how to be not critical of myself. i wish i could look int he mirror and just accept who i am. why is it so hard for me to just look at a picture of myself and just accept it? i get myself into the worst state of mind over this. ive always had a hard time just like looking in a mirror at myself. if i think too much it makes me want to just disappear. i just sit there and wonder why i have it in my mind that im so shitty, and that everyone else around me is perfect. i know that its not true. but i cant help feeling that way. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. i need to shutup.
im so mad at school. i feel like wastingmy time and accomplishing NOTHING whatsoever. im learning pointless crap that i dont need to know, and i therefore feel like im wasting alot of valueable time. but thenagain, i dont know what id do with that extra time. i jsut feel like somethng is missing. im always wishing i could be someone else. i waste my stupid time thinking that. akhkjahdskfjwfkjnk. god dammit. i h ate myself.
i hate losing touch with people. ive lost touch with spencer. we barley ever talk now and that makes me sad because he used to be the one i would talk to about everything i could think of. now i deal with it on my own, except thats what i suck at most. i am driving myself insane. i cant take critisism at all, yet i am overly critical of myself. im so sick of feeling like this. i need to do something with myself. i really just want to get away from myself but that cant happen obviously. i just feel so worthless more and more everyday. i feel like im getting really stupid too. i dont even do well in school anymore. when i was trying to, i was doing bad. and now i dont even try because it didnt get me anywhere. so bsically i LOSE. no matter what. i miss talking to him so much. he used to make me feel so much better about life.
on a lighter note i got to see brian and talk to him today, and that was the highlight. i really really happy right now with him, things are just like, perfect with him. we might go to the beach on monday if its nice out. except i refuse to wear a fucking BATHING SUIT in front of ANYONE, never mind him. it could be a perfect day, but me and my stupid self-conscienceness will be there to make me feel like a whale. oh joy. i look like im expecting a BABY in my prom pictures. that was amazingly uplifting to view. i look like i have a PILLOW up my dress. how awesome.
okay i have to go make dinner. oh cool MORE FOOD, just what i want at this very moment. sorry this entry is to god damn pessimistic, im tired and in the worst mood ive ever been in my entire life. please IGNORE THIS. i just needed to vent my frustration out. sorry all. <3