(no subject)
10 days ago, I offered to write obviously fake crack!spoilers for anyone who requested one. ( Here's that post.) The point was to lighten the mood around our fandom since everyone was freaking out over Deathly Hallows spoilers.
I only received two requests, but I realize that that's probably mainly because people were avoiding LJ and any possible spoilers that might turn up in their comments.
Well, here are the two crack!spoilers that I wrote.
For a_bees_buzz:
Request: Tonks and Filch interacting in some way, must be a critical plot point. Extra credit if there is food involved.
After entering the Squib Protection Program set up by the Ministry, Argus Filch is sent to a safe house in Nicaragua where he is checked on daily by Aurors. One day, Nymphadora Tonks accidentally walks in on Filch doing very dirty things to Mrs. Norris while licking whipped cream off of her nose. Tonks joins in on the fun, and Mrs. Norris has kittens with obscenely crooked teeth and color-changing fur nine weeks later. After the three get married, Filch and Tonks raise the kittens and train them to make a small army. They send them to the Order to fight the battle against the rat army formed by Peter Pettigrew. Crookshanks turns traitor and kills one kitten before he is taken down by one of his victim's purple-furred siblings. The kittens manage to slaughter the rat army. Before they return home, the kittens stuff Wormtail with catnip, intending to give him to Mrs. Norris for Mother's Day.
Unfortunately, many of the kittens unknowingly return home carrying rat fleas. Soon after, Tonks and Filch both die from the Black Plague.
For motionxcity77:
Request: Viktor, Umbridge, and a purple umbrella.
Viktor Krum and Dolores Umbridge meet in a Muggle chat room for people with umbrella fetishes. However, when they get together for their date, Umbridge refuses to use his umbrella since it is purple and not pink. She leaves him alone with his umbrella, and still being “in the mood,” she decides to look for Hagrid and his umbrella.
Not willing to let his brand new purple umbrella go to waste on such a lovely evening, Viktor has some fun without Umbridge. However, he wakes up the next morning to find the umbrella missing and this letter:
Dearest Viktor,
I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye, but it just isn’t going to work out.
You might want to get tested for syphilis.
All my love,
P. Umbrella
-SiS
P.S. If anyone decides that they wish to request one now, I'd still be happy to take requests. (They're such fun to write!)
I only received two requests, but I realize that that's probably mainly because people were avoiding LJ and any possible spoilers that might turn up in their comments.
Well, here are the two crack!spoilers that I wrote.
For a_bees_buzz:
Request: Tonks and Filch interacting in some way, must be a critical plot point. Extra credit if there is food involved.
After entering the Squib Protection Program set up by the Ministry, Argus Filch is sent to a safe house in Nicaragua where he is checked on daily by Aurors. One day, Nymphadora Tonks accidentally walks in on Filch doing very dirty things to Mrs. Norris while licking whipped cream off of her nose. Tonks joins in on the fun, and Mrs. Norris has kittens with obscenely crooked teeth and color-changing fur nine weeks later. After the three get married, Filch and Tonks raise the kittens and train them to make a small army. They send them to the Order to fight the battle against the rat army formed by Peter Pettigrew. Crookshanks turns traitor and kills one kitten before he is taken down by one of his victim's purple-furred siblings. The kittens manage to slaughter the rat army. Before they return home, the kittens stuff Wormtail with catnip, intending to give him to Mrs. Norris for Mother's Day.
Unfortunately, many of the kittens unknowingly return home carrying rat fleas. Soon after, Tonks and Filch both die from the Black Plague.
For motionxcity77:
Request: Viktor, Umbridge, and a purple umbrella.
Viktor Krum and Dolores Umbridge meet in a Muggle chat room for people with umbrella fetishes. However, when they get together for their date, Umbridge refuses to use his umbrella since it is purple and not pink. She leaves him alone with his umbrella, and still being “in the mood,” she decides to look for Hagrid and his umbrella.
Not willing to let his brand new purple umbrella go to waste on such a lovely evening, Viktor has some fun without Umbridge. However, he wakes up the next morning to find the umbrella missing and this letter:
Dearest Viktor,
I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye, but it just isn’t going to work out.
You might want to get tested for syphilis.
All my love,
P. Umbrella
-SiS
P.S. If anyone decides that they wish to request one now, I'd still be happy to take requests. (They're such fun to write!)