The Weasleys of Oz 3/?
The Weasleys of Oz
Chapter 3 The Tin Man
Characters: Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasley, Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, Lucius Malfoy, George Weasley, Fred Weasley
Rating: Teen
Summary: After trying one of Fred and George's new sweets, Harry finds himself in the land of Oz. A crossdressing Albus Dumbledore, brainless Hermione, cowardly Gryffindor, and snarky Tin Man help him find his way out of the musical and back to the Burrow.
Back to Chapter 1
Back to Chapter 2
Harry, Scaregnome Hermione, and Padfoot wandered along the Yellow Brick Road. They chatted about what had happened to Harry earlier that day and threw sticks for Padfoot to run after. When they began to get tired, they wandered toward a small, grassy hill in a group of apple trees just off the side of the road to rest in the shade.
“Hungry?” Harry asked, gesturing towards all the apples in the bunch of trees.
“Famished.” The two ran towards the group of trees and looked up into the branches. Every apple that hung from the limbs was perfect. They were all ripe and deep red.
Harry reached up and plucked the nearest fruit when a large branch swung at him, knocking him several feet away. He clutched at his side where the tree had hit him, and Scaregnome Hermione ran over to help him up.
“Are you alright?” she asked concernedly.
“Bloody hell! It’s a mini-Whomping Willow!”
A deep, gruff voice roared from a large knot in the middle of the tree’s trunk. “What did you expect? Stealing my apples like a bloody thief?”
Padfoot barked up at the tree, and the other two stared in shock for a moment. Scaregnome Hermione shook her head, loose straw falling to the ground. Looking at the tree, she asked, “What did you think you were doing? You could have seriously hurt him!”
“Then tell him to keep his grubby hands away from my apples!”
Brushing himself off, Harry sneered at the tree. “Let’s go, Scaregnome. I’d prefer not to vomit after eating rotten apples, anyway.”
The tree’s leaves shook with anger. “OH, NO YOU DI’INT!” The tree swung its branches again, hitting Harry’s other side, and another limb was coming down fast to hit Scaregnome Hermione. Suddenly, they all heard a loud whack, and the branch fell to the ground. The tree cried out in agony.
Harry looked up from his spot on the ground and saw a man, made entirely of tin, standing by the tree holding an axe. The tree began swinging its branches wildly and throwing apples in all directions. Harry, Scaregnome Hermione, Padfoot, and their tin-savior quickly ran to avoid getting hit.
Once they reached the Yellow Brick Road again, the group stopped.
“Damn Ents!” Harry yelled angrily after catching his breath.
The tin-man scowled at him. “This is Oz, not Middle Earth.”
Harry studied the tin-man that had saved them. He knew it was going to be someone else he knew, and although the tin-man looked familiar, Harry couldn’t quite place him.
Then he noticed the nose. It was very large and hooked at the end. Harry tried picturing the man with long, black, greasy hair and realized it was the Potions Master of Hogwarts. Severus Snape was the last person he wanted to see right now, but he couldn’t help chuckling at the fact that Snape had taken the role of the heartless Tin Man.
Heartless, he thought. How fitting.
Tin Man Snape looked up and glared at Harry. “What, exactly, are you laughing about? Do you realize that that tree would have killed you, given the chance?” Then he added under his breath, “And obviously caused you some brain damage.”
Harry chuckled some more. This is just great. He doesn’t even know who I am, but he already dislikes me.
“Yes, well, thank you so much for saving us,” Scaregnome Hermione said quickly, shaking his hand. “How can we repay you?”
Tin Man Snape said nothing but withdrew his hand from hers.
“Oh! I know!”
Harry knew what she was about to suggest and tried to interrupt, but she ignored him and continued anyways.
“We’re on our way to the Emerald City to see the Wizards of Oz. You see, Harry needs to get home, and I need a brain.” Tin Man Snape scoffed at her. “There must be something you need that the Wizards can give you. You could come along with us!”
“Come on, Scaregnome. He probably doesn’t want to. Let’s go,” Harry pleaded, tugging on her sleeve. Tin Man Snape narrowed his eyes at Harry, and Scaregnome Hermione just pulled her arm away from him.
“Well? There must be something you don’t have.”
Tin Man Snape crossed his arms with a light clanking sound. He was annoyed by Harry’s obvious attempts to get rid of him. “Something I lack? Nothing. Except a heart, but-”
Eyes widening, Scaregnome Hermione interrupted him, “You haven’t got a heart? But everybody has a heart!”
“Oh, really? You mean like everybody has a brain?” he asked sardonically.
“Oh... I see your point. Well, then! You must come along with us and get yourself one.”
“I’d rather not, Miss Scaregnome. I am perfectly content without one.”
Scaregnome Hermione looked shocked. “How could anyone be happy without a heart?”
Harry didn’t understand why, but she seemed determined to get Tin Man Snape to join them. Well, join them or not, Harry would not give up the opportunity to see Snape sing and dance. “Yeah, why exactly wouldn’t you want a heart, Tin Man?” There was a small grin beginning to grow on Harry’s face.
Tin Man Snape started off with a shuffle and a stomp, and then broke out into a slow-paced tap dance. He had a deep, dull voice. It wasn’t much different than his speaking voice. He sounded mostly bored.
“I say there’s nothing that I lack, and now you’re taken aback.
You’re obviously not too smart.
Nothing about it’s notional; I would simply be too emotional.
If I had a heart.
I'd be tender; I'd be gentle and awful sentimental.
It’s enough to make me barf.
I could find myself a wife, who would be sure to cause me strife.
If I had a heart.
Picture me-a family. Think of all those brats.
It wouldn’t take me long to kill the prats.
You think I’m mean? That’s bloody supreme.
You say I would have friends? I’d rather eat my rear end.
Of social gatherings, I don’t take part.
I prefer old and bitter to being young and chipper.
There’s no reason for a heart.”
Fully amused, Harry clapped, which earned an angry glare from Tin Man Snape, but the Scaregnome at his side looked disappointed.
“Well, I guess I could see why someone wouldn’t want a heart... But surely there is something else you need?”
He shook his head. “No, but if you insist I come along, I suppose I could if you aren’t going to leave me alone about it. Besides, I can save both of your arses again if you continue to get into trouble.” Scaregnome Hermione nodded enthusiastically. “But what exactly do you two plan on doing if these so-called ‘Wonderful Wizards’ refuse your requests?”
Harry looked at his friend who looked pained. “Oh, but they must! Harry has to get back home, and we’ve come such a long way already!”
The small group shivered as a gust of cold air swept across them. It was Lucius, flying in on his broom. “You call that a long way? I know the overweight get tired easily, but come on, Scaregnome. It wasn’t that long of a walk.”
She gaped up at him. “I am not overweight!”
Lucius cackled at her response.
Harry glared at him. “Shut up, you ugly cross-dresser!”
Lucius suddenly looked furious and swooped down to hover over them. He glowered down at Harry, until he was hit on the chest with an apple. He looked up, shocked, and was hit with another one. Scaregnome Hermione had found a few of the apples that the tree had thrown and was throwing them at the Wicked Witch. Bewildered, Lucius began to fly away, but Scaregnome Hermione threw one last apple. The fruit struck the side of his head, and he lost his balance, falling into some bushes.
Harry and Scaregnome Hermione were doubled-over, laughing. Even Tin Man Snape chuckled at the sight.
“Great arm,” Harry complimented her, and then offered her his own.
She happily took it and looked back at their new companion. “To Oz?”
He rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”
Harry and Scaregnome Hermione began skipping merrily on their way with Padfoot running after them and Tin Man Snape trudging along slowly behind.
“We’re off to see the Wizards,
the Wonderful Weasleys of Oz.
We hear they are a whiz of a pair,
if ever a Wiz there was.
If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was
the Weasleys of Oz are two because,
because, because, because, because, because!
Because of the wonderful things they’ve done!
We’re off to see the Wizards,
the Wonderful Weasleys of Oz!”
TBC
On to Chapter 4
-SiS
Chapter 3 The Tin Man
Characters: Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasley, Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, Lucius Malfoy, George Weasley, Fred Weasley
Rating: Teen
Summary: After trying one of Fred and George's new sweets, Harry finds himself in the land of Oz. A crossdressing Albus Dumbledore, brainless Hermione, cowardly Gryffindor, and snarky Tin Man help him find his way out of the musical and back to the Burrow.
Back to Chapter 1
Back to Chapter 2
Harry, Scaregnome Hermione, and Padfoot wandered along the Yellow Brick Road. They chatted about what had happened to Harry earlier that day and threw sticks for Padfoot to run after. When they began to get tired, they wandered toward a small, grassy hill in a group of apple trees just off the side of the road to rest in the shade.
“Hungry?” Harry asked, gesturing towards all the apples in the bunch of trees.
“Famished.” The two ran towards the group of trees and looked up into the branches. Every apple that hung from the limbs was perfect. They were all ripe and deep red.
Harry reached up and plucked the nearest fruit when a large branch swung at him, knocking him several feet away. He clutched at his side where the tree had hit him, and Scaregnome Hermione ran over to help him up.
“Are you alright?” she asked concernedly.
“Bloody hell! It’s a mini-Whomping Willow!”
A deep, gruff voice roared from a large knot in the middle of the tree’s trunk. “What did you expect? Stealing my apples like a bloody thief?”
Padfoot barked up at the tree, and the other two stared in shock for a moment. Scaregnome Hermione shook her head, loose straw falling to the ground. Looking at the tree, she asked, “What did you think you were doing? You could have seriously hurt him!”
“Then tell him to keep his grubby hands away from my apples!”
Brushing himself off, Harry sneered at the tree. “Let’s go, Scaregnome. I’d prefer not to vomit after eating rotten apples, anyway.”
The tree’s leaves shook with anger. “OH, NO YOU DI’INT!” The tree swung its branches again, hitting Harry’s other side, and another limb was coming down fast to hit Scaregnome Hermione. Suddenly, they all heard a loud whack, and the branch fell to the ground. The tree cried out in agony.
Harry looked up from his spot on the ground and saw a man, made entirely of tin, standing by the tree holding an axe. The tree began swinging its branches wildly and throwing apples in all directions. Harry, Scaregnome Hermione, Padfoot, and their tin-savior quickly ran to avoid getting hit.
Once they reached the Yellow Brick Road again, the group stopped.
“Damn Ents!” Harry yelled angrily after catching his breath.
The tin-man scowled at him. “This is Oz, not Middle Earth.”
Harry studied the tin-man that had saved them. He knew it was going to be someone else he knew, and although the tin-man looked familiar, Harry couldn’t quite place him.
Then he noticed the nose. It was very large and hooked at the end. Harry tried picturing the man with long, black, greasy hair and realized it was the Potions Master of Hogwarts. Severus Snape was the last person he wanted to see right now, but he couldn’t help chuckling at the fact that Snape had taken the role of the heartless Tin Man.
Heartless, he thought. How fitting.
Tin Man Snape looked up and glared at Harry. “What, exactly, are you laughing about? Do you realize that that tree would have killed you, given the chance?” Then he added under his breath, “And obviously caused you some brain damage.”
Harry chuckled some more. This is just great. He doesn’t even know who I am, but he already dislikes me.
“Yes, well, thank you so much for saving us,” Scaregnome Hermione said quickly, shaking his hand. “How can we repay you?”
Tin Man Snape said nothing but withdrew his hand from hers.
“Oh! I know!”
Harry knew what she was about to suggest and tried to interrupt, but she ignored him and continued anyways.
“We’re on our way to the Emerald City to see the Wizards of Oz. You see, Harry needs to get home, and I need a brain.” Tin Man Snape scoffed at her. “There must be something you need that the Wizards can give you. You could come along with us!”
“Come on, Scaregnome. He probably doesn’t want to. Let’s go,” Harry pleaded, tugging on her sleeve. Tin Man Snape narrowed his eyes at Harry, and Scaregnome Hermione just pulled her arm away from him.
“Well? There must be something you don’t have.”
Tin Man Snape crossed his arms with a light clanking sound. He was annoyed by Harry’s obvious attempts to get rid of him. “Something I lack? Nothing. Except a heart, but-”
Eyes widening, Scaregnome Hermione interrupted him, “You haven’t got a heart? But everybody has a heart!”
“Oh, really? You mean like everybody has a brain?” he asked sardonically.
“Oh... I see your point. Well, then! You must come along with us and get yourself one.”
“I’d rather not, Miss Scaregnome. I am perfectly content without one.”
Scaregnome Hermione looked shocked. “How could anyone be happy without a heart?”
Harry didn’t understand why, but she seemed determined to get Tin Man Snape to join them. Well, join them or not, Harry would not give up the opportunity to see Snape sing and dance. “Yeah, why exactly wouldn’t you want a heart, Tin Man?” There was a small grin beginning to grow on Harry’s face.
Tin Man Snape started off with a shuffle and a stomp, and then broke out into a slow-paced tap dance. He had a deep, dull voice. It wasn’t much different than his speaking voice. He sounded mostly bored.
“I say there’s nothing that I lack, and now you’re taken aback.
You’re obviously not too smart.
Nothing about it’s notional; I would simply be too emotional.
If I had a heart.
I'd be tender; I'd be gentle and awful sentimental.
It’s enough to make me barf.
I could find myself a wife, who would be sure to cause me strife.
If I had a heart.
Picture me-a family. Think of all those brats.
It wouldn’t take me long to kill the prats.
You think I’m mean? That’s bloody supreme.
You say I would have friends? I’d rather eat my rear end.
Of social gatherings, I don’t take part.
I prefer old and bitter to being young and chipper.
There’s no reason for a heart.”
Fully amused, Harry clapped, which earned an angry glare from Tin Man Snape, but the Scaregnome at his side looked disappointed.
“Well, I guess I could see why someone wouldn’t want a heart... But surely there is something else you need?”
He shook his head. “No, but if you insist I come along, I suppose I could if you aren’t going to leave me alone about it. Besides, I can save both of your arses again if you continue to get into trouble.” Scaregnome Hermione nodded enthusiastically. “But what exactly do you two plan on doing if these so-called ‘Wonderful Wizards’ refuse your requests?”
Harry looked at his friend who looked pained. “Oh, but they must! Harry has to get back home, and we’ve come such a long way already!”
The small group shivered as a gust of cold air swept across them. It was Lucius, flying in on his broom. “You call that a long way? I know the overweight get tired easily, but come on, Scaregnome. It wasn’t that long of a walk.”
She gaped up at him. “I am not overweight!”
Lucius cackled at her response.
Harry glared at him. “Shut up, you ugly cross-dresser!”
Lucius suddenly looked furious and swooped down to hover over them. He glowered down at Harry, until he was hit on the chest with an apple. He looked up, shocked, and was hit with another one. Scaregnome Hermione had found a few of the apples that the tree had thrown and was throwing them at the Wicked Witch. Bewildered, Lucius began to fly away, but Scaregnome Hermione threw one last apple. The fruit struck the side of his head, and he lost his balance, falling into some bushes.
Harry and Scaregnome Hermione were doubled-over, laughing. Even Tin Man Snape chuckled at the sight.
“Great arm,” Harry complimented her, and then offered her his own.
She happily took it and looked back at their new companion. “To Oz?”
He rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”
Harry and Scaregnome Hermione began skipping merrily on their way with Padfoot running after them and Tin Man Snape trudging along slowly behind.
“We’re off to see the Wizards,
the Wonderful Weasleys of Oz.
We hear they are a whiz of a pair,
if ever a Wiz there was.
If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was
the Weasleys of Oz are two because,
because, because, because, because, because!
Because of the wonderful things they’ve done!
We’re off to see the Wizards,
the Wonderful Weasleys of Oz!”
TBC
On to Chapter 4
-SiS