My apologies if my pain is too loud for you, Desiree...
You died so quickly.
So unexpectedly.
I wasn’t ready for it.
Was never prepared to let you go.
I loved you too much. I love you too much.
Such a shock when something like this happens.
Such a fucking shock that I never saw it coming. Never knew that you and that car that night could change my life the way it has.
I worried, of course. Everybody does, but no one ever expects their worst fears to come to life.
No one ever expects that news. No one is ever actually waiting for such a blow.
No one is ever prepared to recover.
It was a joke at first. Surely, right? I mean, there wasn’t a way you could possibly be dead.
My love alone would have saved you, right?
If only. If fucking only.
If only your beautiful eyes had never been closed in eternal sleep.
If only your kind, loving heart hadn’t stopped beating.
…If only you hadn’t died on impact.
Now…well. I live, right? I’m living.
I’m doing what you would want.
And it hurts like fucking hell.
I miss you like you should be right behind me.
I’m far from you anyway. I would be, even if you lived.
I shouldn’t miss you, shouldn’t expect you to be there with warm, welcoming arms every single time I turn around.
Shouldn’t cry on your birthday, because you’ll never live to see another.
Shouldn’t cry the day you died, because you didn’t suffer, right?
Shouldn’t listen to you sing and wish like hell that you would sing to me again.
Shouldn’t write word after word of the pure misery I feel.
If fucking only.
If only I could stop.
Someday I might see you again.
Who the fuck knows? For you, that heaven people are always talking about might exist.
You would have gone there, if it does.
Maybe I might, but I doubt it.
…another reason I’ll never see you again.
Fuck cars.
Fuck you and your inability to drive.
Fuck the road, fuck alcohol, fuck the thing you ran into.
Fuck the police who say you should have been sober enough to see properly, the fuckers who say you might have done this on purpose.
Fuck my family and yours telling me I’ll be alright.
Fuck them telling me I need to talk to someone.
Fuck them telling me missing you won’t do any good. Fuck them telling me I should let it out, and then bitching at me when I can’t put it back in.
Fuck you for leaving me!
Fuck you for not coming back that night.
I hate you for turning my worst nightmare into cruel, harsh reality.
...If fucking only.
If only it were true.
If only I didn’t love you instead.
***
The catharsis...it's undeniable...but it hasn't kicked in yet. I love you all, comments are superglue for those shards...
So unexpectedly.
I wasn’t ready for it.
Was never prepared to let you go.
I loved you too much. I love you too much.
Such a shock when something like this happens.
Such a fucking shock that I never saw it coming. Never knew that you and that car that night could change my life the way it has.
I worried, of course. Everybody does, but no one ever expects their worst fears to come to life.
No one ever expects that news. No one is ever actually waiting for such a blow.
No one is ever prepared to recover.
It was a joke at first. Surely, right? I mean, there wasn’t a way you could possibly be dead.
My love alone would have saved you, right?
If only. If fucking only.
If only your beautiful eyes had never been closed in eternal sleep.
If only your kind, loving heart hadn’t stopped beating.
…If only you hadn’t died on impact.
Now…well. I live, right? I’m living.
I’m doing what you would want.
And it hurts like fucking hell.
I miss you like you should be right behind me.
I’m far from you anyway. I would be, even if you lived.
I shouldn’t miss you, shouldn’t expect you to be there with warm, welcoming arms every single time I turn around.
Shouldn’t cry on your birthday, because you’ll never live to see another.
Shouldn’t cry the day you died, because you didn’t suffer, right?
Shouldn’t listen to you sing and wish like hell that you would sing to me again.
Shouldn’t write word after word of the pure misery I feel.
If fucking only.
If only I could stop.
Someday I might see you again.
Who the fuck knows? For you, that heaven people are always talking about might exist.
You would have gone there, if it does.
Maybe I might, but I doubt it.
…another reason I’ll never see you again.
Fuck cars.
Fuck you and your inability to drive.
Fuck the road, fuck alcohol, fuck the thing you ran into.
Fuck the police who say you should have been sober enough to see properly, the fuckers who say you might have done this on purpose.
Fuck my family and yours telling me I’ll be alright.
Fuck them telling me I need to talk to someone.
Fuck them telling me missing you won’t do any good. Fuck them telling me I should let it out, and then bitching at me when I can’t put it back in.
Fuck you for leaving me!
Fuck you for not coming back that night.
I hate you for turning my worst nightmare into cruel, harsh reality.
...If fucking only.
If only it were true.
If only I didn’t love you instead.
***
The catharsis...it's undeniable...but it hasn't kicked in yet. I love you all, comments are superglue for those shards...