(no subject)
The first blood is always the thickest, always the darkest. Dark with the most sins, the most regrets, the most lost dreams floating around in your bloodstream. It's the color of pure red wine, flowing down the throat of your lover, no looking back, it's now or never.
It wells up from some hidden pit, festering deep within you like a monster, an ugly monster gnawing out the inside of its cage until there won't be anything left to hold it there. You try to run but you can't, what can you do but wait for the monster to take you over? The monster is you, the monster is clawing your mind with more enthusiasm than you've seen for years. And you have to fight back, an instinct undeniable, you can't say no, you can't make the pressure fade!
A fever, blanking out your mind, not unlike the kind you feel in the grips of lust. You can't think, you can't say no, no turning back, baby, cut out the tumor of guilt and sin and throw it far away from you! The monster whispers in your mind, tells you what to do, it tells you to kill it, cut it, burn it, slash it, you're not going to let it go after what it's said, are you? No one can get away with that, you have pride, you have a reputation, and it's turning both against you like the tides going against the rocks. It wears them down slowly, steadily, you can't stop it and it happens so slowly you never notice.
When it first started you never objected, you thought you could turn it back at any time, control it, destroy it, but now look what it's done to you! Look who you are, look who you've become! You're nothing but an animal, you stupid, greedy whore! Deceptive, deceitful, full of lies and tears! You don't deserve whatever you have, you shouldn't have it, you never should have recieved it in the first place!
Stop looking up at him with tears in your eyes, you slut, stop leaning on him, stop depending on him! You can't ever allow yourself to be this way, you can't ever allow yourself to love! Look who you are, are you happy? Is this what you wanted? Like a torrential rainstorm, its beating you down with tiny fists and tiny insults, backhanded comments about everything! You are nothing, nothing but a silly schoolgirl, seeking attention! Who do you think you are? WHO??
Stab, stab, stab! The blood is coming now, the fervor is reaching a pinnacle of ecstacy, the same ecstacy you felt with his hands on your hips and your back arched and nothing but a hot passion in your eyes. The razor is slicing now, you swing your arms back and forth, you are the Picasso of your arms, your legs, carving in words and designs, the lost dreams you never thought twice about, because you're not thinking now, are you? Your mind is blank, blank, blankblankblank! The disease is swirling around your head, you can't see straight, like a tornado, like a hurricane, twisting around in circles, repetative, over and over the same words, you're not good enough, slut, whore, you should never have been born, she hates you, she hates you, hates you, hatesyouhatesyou HATES YOU!
Warm blood, old friend, where have you been, what have you done since the last time we met? It's been swimming through your heart, your black burnt heart, it's enlarged with all the hatred it has to consume to keep you alive. But why are you still alive, why do you deserve it? You don't, you don't! You don't even want it, the heat swimming in your eyes and your ears and your nose, warm blood pouring out, you fool you fool, what have you done?
More mistakes, more mistakes! A deadly combination of Oxycotten and whiskey, when it burns it means it's working, drink more drink more! Can you feel the heavy death settling into your stomach? I bet you can! The whiskey pouring into that dark red blood, still exiting your body, and the whiskey swirls about your heart and that is another sin added to your list! Your leg perched upon the stool, one hand for the bottle of ignorance settling in your gut and the other for the hunting knife, pretty pretty designs on the handle, cutting away, answering the monster inside with a silent scream, and your body is crying crying crying, bloody tears, so why are you laughing?
And the bottle drops from your fingers and the knife is released with an obedient sigh, blood starts to soak into the carpet, ugly ugly green carpet but you don't care, you never cared, because you're a horrible, irresponsible person. Drained, lethargic, you drop to your knees, topple over, shake with the terror and simplicity of your act. Cut, cut, cutcutcutcut! You are dying, dead, already too zoned to feel the vomit bubble up in retaliation to your acts of destruction.
The monster screams, laughs, content, and settles back into its stoney cage of despair, locked up in the darkest corner of your heart for too long to remember.
It wells up from some hidden pit, festering deep within you like a monster, an ugly monster gnawing out the inside of its cage until there won't be anything left to hold it there. You try to run but you can't, what can you do but wait for the monster to take you over? The monster is you, the monster is clawing your mind with more enthusiasm than you've seen for years. And you have to fight back, an instinct undeniable, you can't say no, you can't make the pressure fade!
A fever, blanking out your mind, not unlike the kind you feel in the grips of lust. You can't think, you can't say no, no turning back, baby, cut out the tumor of guilt and sin and throw it far away from you! The monster whispers in your mind, tells you what to do, it tells you to kill it, cut it, burn it, slash it, you're not going to let it go after what it's said, are you? No one can get away with that, you have pride, you have a reputation, and it's turning both against you like the tides going against the rocks. It wears them down slowly, steadily, you can't stop it and it happens so slowly you never notice.
When it first started you never objected, you thought you could turn it back at any time, control it, destroy it, but now look what it's done to you! Look who you are, look who you've become! You're nothing but an animal, you stupid, greedy whore! Deceptive, deceitful, full of lies and tears! You don't deserve whatever you have, you shouldn't have it, you never should have recieved it in the first place!
Stop looking up at him with tears in your eyes, you slut, stop leaning on him, stop depending on him! You can't ever allow yourself to be this way, you can't ever allow yourself to love! Look who you are, are you happy? Is this what you wanted? Like a torrential rainstorm, its beating you down with tiny fists and tiny insults, backhanded comments about everything! You are nothing, nothing but a silly schoolgirl, seeking attention! Who do you think you are? WHO??
Stab, stab, stab! The blood is coming now, the fervor is reaching a pinnacle of ecstacy, the same ecstacy you felt with his hands on your hips and your back arched and nothing but a hot passion in your eyes. The razor is slicing now, you swing your arms back and forth, you are the Picasso of your arms, your legs, carving in words and designs, the lost dreams you never thought twice about, because you're not thinking now, are you? Your mind is blank, blank, blankblankblank! The disease is swirling around your head, you can't see straight, like a tornado, like a hurricane, twisting around in circles, repetative, over and over the same words, you're not good enough, slut, whore, you should never have been born, she hates you, she hates you, hates you, hatesyouhatesyou HATES YOU!
Warm blood, old friend, where have you been, what have you done since the last time we met? It's been swimming through your heart, your black burnt heart, it's enlarged with all the hatred it has to consume to keep you alive. But why are you still alive, why do you deserve it? You don't, you don't! You don't even want it, the heat swimming in your eyes and your ears and your nose, warm blood pouring out, you fool you fool, what have you done?
More mistakes, more mistakes! A deadly combination of Oxycotten and whiskey, when it burns it means it's working, drink more drink more! Can you feel the heavy death settling into your stomach? I bet you can! The whiskey pouring into that dark red blood, still exiting your body, and the whiskey swirls about your heart and that is another sin added to your list! Your leg perched upon the stool, one hand for the bottle of ignorance settling in your gut and the other for the hunting knife, pretty pretty designs on the handle, cutting away, answering the monster inside with a silent scream, and your body is crying crying crying, bloody tears, so why are you laughing?
And the bottle drops from your fingers and the knife is released with an obedient sigh, blood starts to soak into the carpet, ugly ugly green carpet but you don't care, you never cared, because you're a horrible, irresponsible person. Drained, lethargic, you drop to your knees, topple over, shake with the terror and simplicity of your act. Cut, cut, cutcutcutcut! You are dying, dead, already too zoned to feel the vomit bubble up in retaliation to your acts of destruction.
The monster screams, laughs, content, and settles back into its stoney cage of despair, locked up in the darkest corner of your heart for too long to remember.