Take courage, lover
I am rushing to post in this fit of inspiration before my laziness and sleepiness gets a hold of me again, as they have done on recent occasions where I sign in and then promptly sign out again because I can't be bothered to.
First things first. I would like to know, honestly, why random people you don't bloody even know try to add you on Facebook. I think it is extremely disturbing, and I absolutely refuse to friend them back. No matter what their profile picture looks like, seriously. Maybe I should change my profile picture to one of like, a fish. I might be a little judgmental, but - WHY? WHY? This guy just tried to friend me and he sent me a message going, hi, i'm in scholars cup, you too. And - firstly, grammar. Secondly, thanks for letting me know that hey, I'm in scholars' cup too! I didn't realize. I feel a little bitchy right now, but I just don't understand why people try to do that. If you're actually interested in proper conversation (and not just random hooking up or whatever perverse things people try to do over the Internet with strangers; I don't know that's not my kink!), you could very well try to type in proper sentences and write something less vacant.
/rant. Ah, I'm sorry for that. Felt like saying it.
Also, I am utterly, completely, massively, enormously stupid. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid and it's what you think it is, unless you're thinking it's about SAs, in which case you'll be wrong - but. I cannot get over how bloody stupid I've been over the past - nine months? Oh god, it has been nine months of total, blind, exasperating stupidity. Today it hit me fully after various pinches over the long weekend, when I found myself thinking of things and moving on to think about other things and then realizing how stupid all the things have been, and yes I'm being deliberately vague. Inchoate. I used that word in my globalization essay.
No, but. Seriously. I had a long, long lunch with Ashima today, and it was - it was. Simple. Deep; we spent close to four and a half hours just - analyzing our screwed up lives. Mostly my screwed up life. I realize I'm kind of a massive jerk as a default state, and that really sucks. Ashima said I was a boy, with this gasp of horror; I'm apparently a chaser. I get tired when people start reciprocating my interest, and I demand exclusivity even though I don't (want to) give it, and I am also insanely possessive. I would hate me if I weren't me. I am such a jerk. Ashima constantly enlightens me about my mood swings in Sec 2, a period which I apparently draw entire blanks because I cannot remember a single thing which happened during Sec 2, which scares me, because from what Ashima said, I was this emoshit person who had mood swings everywhere and scared the heck out of my batch O: I don't sound like a very nice person; it's kind of scary how you can just not see the way you behave usually unless you really think about it, and even then, it's not an experience, it's a distant appreciation of the concept, like, Oh my god I'm such a jerk! What will I do without Ashima there to remind me? (:
We were just saying we don't realize how much we need someone until they leave for a while, and - it's true, I guess? For many, many people. Why can't relationships just be uncomplicated and sweet and just simply happy?
I should probably stop being a Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. I feel like Ryan, except Ryan's pretty and intelligent and poetic enough to be a jerk, and it's alright anyway because he and Brendon are totally in love with each other and his jerkiness just comes from the awkward angst of not-knowing that. My jerkiness is just - inherent.
Back to less controversial stuff - oh, wait. Last thing. I should bloody learn to f-lock my LJ, because - everytime I say stupid things I say it on LJ, and when I say it, I'm all, Oh, it's alright, I don't care what others think of me because I'm stupid like that, but when the stupid phase passes, then I see with startlingly clarity the entire scope of my stupidity. How typical, right? That's the nature of stupidity. Will I learn? No!
Bio was - strange, really, really strange, and I am nearly resigned to getting 3.6, which will severely screw up my midyear GPA unless I do exceedingly well for History, Chem and Chinese. SS was - difficult to gauge, because - well. I ended off on a complete note, but it definitely wasn't as comprehensive as I would have liked, and borrowing a globalization book over the long weekend would have helped, should have been done but I couldn't be bothered to go to the library, so it will be my fault, as always. SS has a potential to just screw up, although I'll be immensely grateful of scrapping 4.0, even 15/20, because I can still crawl into 4.0 midyear with my earlier 13/15. I still stand by my aim of full marks for an SS SA D:
I feel on the verge of illness, and I half-hope I am /: My temperature's 37.0 : P I feel hot all over, from the inside.
I need someone to tell me when I'm being stupid.
On a better note, I feel like I've gotten somewhat out of the immensely strange mood hanging over me for the past month or so, the fog of apathy regarding school work.
E.T.A
It is probably stupid to post a lengthy post about how stupid I am on a public domain.
First things first. I would like to know, honestly, why random people you don't bloody even know try to add you on Facebook. I think it is extremely disturbing, and I absolutely refuse to friend them back. No matter what their profile picture looks like, seriously. Maybe I should change my profile picture to one of like, a fish. I might be a little judgmental, but - WHY? WHY? This guy just tried to friend me and he sent me a message going, hi, i'm in scholars cup, you too. And - firstly, grammar. Secondly, thanks for letting me know that hey, I'm in scholars' cup too! I didn't realize. I feel a little bitchy right now, but I just don't understand why people try to do that. If you're actually interested in proper conversation (and not just random hooking up or whatever perverse things people try to do over the Internet with strangers; I don't know that's not my kink!), you could very well try to type in proper sentences and write something less vacant.
/rant. Ah, I'm sorry for that. Felt like saying it.
Also, I am utterly, completely, massively, enormously stupid. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid and it's what you think it is, unless you're thinking it's about SAs, in which case you'll be wrong - but. I cannot get over how bloody stupid I've been over the past - nine months? Oh god, it has been nine months of total, blind, exasperating stupidity. Today it hit me fully after various pinches over the long weekend, when I found myself thinking of things and moving on to think about other things and then realizing how stupid all the things have been, and yes I'm being deliberately vague. Inchoate. I used that word in my globalization essay.
No, but. Seriously. I had a long, long lunch with Ashima today, and it was - it was. Simple. Deep; we spent close to four and a half hours just - analyzing our screwed up lives. Mostly my screwed up life. I realize I'm kind of a massive jerk as a default state, and that really sucks. Ashima said I was a boy, with this gasp of horror; I'm apparently a chaser. I get tired when people start reciprocating my interest, and I demand exclusivity even though I don't (want to) give it, and I am also insanely possessive. I would hate me if I weren't me. I am such a jerk. Ashima constantly enlightens me about my mood swings in Sec 2, a period which I apparently draw entire blanks because I cannot remember a single thing which happened during Sec 2, which scares me, because from what Ashima said, I was this emoshit person who had mood swings everywhere and scared the heck out of my batch O: I don't sound like a very nice person; it's kind of scary how you can just not see the way you behave usually unless you really think about it, and even then, it's not an experience, it's a distant appreciation of the concept, like, Oh my god I'm such a jerk! What will I do without Ashima there to remind me? (:
We were just saying we don't realize how much we need someone until they leave for a while, and - it's true, I guess? For many, many people. Why can't relationships just be uncomplicated and sweet and just simply happy?
I should probably stop being a Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. I feel like Ryan, except Ryan's pretty and intelligent and poetic enough to be a jerk, and it's alright anyway because he and Brendon are totally in love with each other and his jerkiness just comes from the awkward angst of not-knowing that. My jerkiness is just - inherent.
Back to less controversial stuff - oh, wait. Last thing. I should bloody learn to f-lock my LJ, because - everytime I say stupid things I say it on LJ, and when I say it, I'm all, Oh, it's alright, I don't care what others think of me because I'm stupid like that, but when the stupid phase passes, then I see with startlingly clarity the entire scope of my stupidity. How typical, right? That's the nature of stupidity. Will I learn? No!
Bio was - strange, really, really strange, and I am nearly resigned to getting 3.6, which will severely screw up my midyear GPA unless I do exceedingly well for History, Chem and Chinese. SS was - difficult to gauge, because - well. I ended off on a complete note, but it definitely wasn't as comprehensive as I would have liked, and borrowing a globalization book over the long weekend would have helped, should have been done but I couldn't be bothered to go to the library, so it will be my fault, as always. SS has a potential to just screw up, although I'll be immensely grateful of scrapping 4.0, even 15/20, because I can still crawl into 4.0 midyear with my earlier 13/15. I still stand by my aim of full marks for an SS SA D:
I feel on the verge of illness, and I half-hope I am /: My temperature's 37.0 : P I feel hot all over, from the inside.
I need someone to tell me when I'm being stupid.
On a better note, I feel like I've gotten somewhat out of the immensely strange mood hanging over me for the past month or so, the fog of apathy regarding school work.
E.T.A
It is probably stupid to post a lengthy post about how stupid I am on a public domain.