Fin.
You remember the house on Ridge Road
told you and the Devil to both just leave me alone.
If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling.
You'll just have to trust me. I'm scared.
I am the patron saint of lost causes.
Aren't we all to you just near lost causes?
Aren't we all to you just lost
- *Fin, Anberlin
Today was - alternatively bad and good. Okay, ELDS got me into a really lousy mood today and I needed to rant and everything, and I also cried about it, so - apparently, it was a bad day, or at least a culmination of bad things in CCA - but Mr. Chew lifted me up instantly, haha (which is kind of strange, because he isn't exactly the teacher I talk the most to - he doesn't even teach me!) with a phone call. It wasn't much; he was just telling me about the invited speakers for Inconvo, and how all four of them were, essentially, tree-huggers, so for the CLE lesson plan, we need to skew it towards the government's POV more, to "create tension", and - he was basically very nice and sensitive. I was being my agreeable, attentive self (which I demonstrate to teachers I respect, I say pointedly), and he went on talking about how he'll "wing the presentation" to the CLE teachers this thursday, and I was nodding and agreeing and all of a sudden ,he goes, "Hey, are you okay or not? You seem very tired. Please don't kill yourself doing this by tonight, okay! Are you going to rush it tonight?"
I was - well, simultaneously amused and touched, I guess, especially because his words were just such a stark contrast to Ms Chen's earlier ones, which left me feeling completely victimized and also indignantly furious. There's - nothing more I can really say, but - well, I needed the reassurance that not all teachers are like - that, because I was also remembering how I had tried to approach Mrs. Wee for guidance re: CCA , since she was my CCA teacher and all, and she was both reluctant and unpleasantly surprised, as though she never thought she'd be involved in counseling a student - and yes, right now, that's what I freely admit I need; I guess I'd been getting used to the idea that all teachers are by default nice, people, even, because the people that I hang out with are - even if I weren't particularly close to them, they would listen if I needed someone to! But - apparently not all the teachers think so, but Mr. Chew sort of restored faith in me that there are some teachers who teach because they want to guide us, and they are genuinely willing to help. It is a little thing, but I needed it (: I am so tempted to go, I heart Mr. Chew, now -.-
Something else that cheered me up tonight was Brenda's email:
Hi Karen! Today.
I LOVE YOU!!!! Today.
I got the notes ya, today.
Mr. law noted your absence while dissing communism today.
Loves for today
Brendahhhhhh only for today
This is totally typical, perhaps, but - well. I'm glad I was missed :D
Mr. Law was supposed to be in our class for the staff meeting re: design of new campus today! Coughs.
And it wasn't just them; Um. People! Who were happy I came back, very obviously; Sam, Dot, Gee, Liz, Kar Min, Evan. When I think about them now, it's again a flood of warmth, because - screw CCA, screw lousy teachers, screw lousy events happening - I have them, you know, when it comes down to it. What else do I need? I'd always have 415 as a refuge.
And even H2, too. After the nasty confrontation on the stairs, I was a little shellshocked, because I always am when adults reveal their personality flaws and their vindictiveness to me, and I went in, and sat on the red bench a little heavily, still a little in shock. Then I began tearing, so I went over to sit next to Cheryl, and she just let me cry for awhile. Not many other people noticed, because cast was all in the middle of rehearsing, for which I'm glad, because - it wouldn't have been good for it to have gotten big. My first instinct, actually, was to talk to Ashima, but I couldn't pull her out of rehearsals, so. Sitting in H2 was actually soothing, the bustle of activity around me a nice cocoon, and knowing that - well, the people in there cared, if only as a fellow CCA mate. The feeling of safeness is actually very hard to cultivate. I don't feel safe around many of my batchmates anymore; it is linked to trust, and the sense of connection.
I have a lot of work to finish today; CCA ruined my productive mood and wasted a lot of my time, and deprived me of pasta. When I say CCA, I don't mean CCA, but rather, certain characters in it. I cannot talk at length about what is fundamentally wrong; it has to be enough just knowing.
I sort of miss you, in a very distant way; I am refinding connections with other people, but sometimes I do wonder, faintly, if I will give it all up again for you. I wish you'd be happy and so bright for me all the time.
told you and the Devil to both just leave me alone.
If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling.
You'll just have to trust me. I'm scared.
I am the patron saint of lost causes.
Aren't we all to you just near lost causes?
Aren't we all to you just lost
- *Fin, Anberlin
Today was - alternatively bad and good. Okay, ELDS got me into a really lousy mood today and I needed to rant and everything, and I also cried about it, so - apparently, it was a bad day, or at least a culmination of bad things in CCA - but Mr. Chew lifted me up instantly, haha (which is kind of strange, because he isn't exactly the teacher I talk the most to - he doesn't even teach me!) with a phone call. It wasn't much; he was just telling me about the invited speakers for Inconvo, and how all four of them were, essentially, tree-huggers, so for the CLE lesson plan, we need to skew it towards the government's POV more, to "create tension", and - he was basically very nice and sensitive. I was being my agreeable, attentive self (which I demonstrate to teachers I respect, I say pointedly), and he went on talking about how he'll "wing the presentation" to the CLE teachers this thursday, and I was nodding and agreeing and all of a sudden ,he goes, "Hey, are you okay or not? You seem very tired. Please don't kill yourself doing this by tonight, okay! Are you going to rush it tonight?"
I was - well, simultaneously amused and touched, I guess, especially because his words were just such a stark contrast to Ms Chen's earlier ones, which left me feeling completely victimized and also indignantly furious. There's - nothing more I can really say, but - well, I needed the reassurance that not all teachers are like - that, because I was also remembering how I had tried to approach Mrs. Wee for guidance re: CCA , since she was my CCA teacher and all, and she was both reluctant and unpleasantly surprised, as though she never thought she'd be involved in counseling a student - and yes, right now, that's what I freely admit I need; I guess I'd been getting used to the idea that all teachers are by default nice, people, even, because the people that I hang out with are - even if I weren't particularly close to them, they would listen if I needed someone to! But - apparently not all the teachers think so, but Mr. Chew sort of restored faith in me that there are some teachers who teach because they want to guide us, and they are genuinely willing to help. It is a little thing, but I needed it (: I am so tempted to go, I heart Mr. Chew, now -.-
Something else that cheered me up tonight was Brenda's email:
Hi Karen! Today.
I LOVE YOU!!!! Today.
I got the notes ya, today.
Mr. law noted your absence while dissing communism today.
Loves for today
Brendahhhhhh only for today
This is totally typical, perhaps, but - well. I'm glad I was missed :D
Mr. Law was supposed to be in our class for the staff meeting re: design of new campus today! Coughs.
And it wasn't just them; Um. People! Who were happy I came back, very obviously; Sam, Dot, Gee, Liz, Kar Min, Evan. When I think about them now, it's again a flood of warmth, because - screw CCA, screw lousy teachers, screw lousy events happening - I have them, you know, when it comes down to it. What else do I need? I'd always have 415 as a refuge.
And even H2, too. After the nasty confrontation on the stairs, I was a little shellshocked, because I always am when adults reveal their personality flaws and their vindictiveness to me, and I went in, and sat on the red bench a little heavily, still a little in shock. Then I began tearing, so I went over to sit next to Cheryl, and she just let me cry for awhile. Not many other people noticed, because cast was all in the middle of rehearsing, for which I'm glad, because - it wouldn't have been good for it to have gotten big. My first instinct, actually, was to talk to Ashima, but I couldn't pull her out of rehearsals, so. Sitting in H2 was actually soothing, the bustle of activity around me a nice cocoon, and knowing that - well, the people in there cared, if only as a fellow CCA mate. The feeling of safeness is actually very hard to cultivate. I don't feel safe around many of my batchmates anymore; it is linked to trust, and the sense of connection.
I have a lot of work to finish today; CCA ruined my productive mood and wasted a lot of my time, and deprived me of pasta. When I say CCA, I don't mean CCA, but rather, certain characters in it. I cannot talk at length about what is fundamentally wrong; it has to be enough just knowing.
I sort of miss you, in a very distant way; I am refinding connections with other people, but sometimes I do wonder, faintly, if I will give it all up again for you. I wish you'd be happy and so bright for me all the time.