I want an epic love story;
Yeah, okay. So I was debating between that, and 'Fallout' for the title of this post, but I decided the former was less pathetically angst-ridden.
This has probably been the least productive holidays since RGS -.- Principally because I have felt so out of sorts and disinterested in doing homework, even while wanting to do it. It sounds paradoxical, yes, but that's what hit me the hardest; apparently, I am someone who will only do something I want - actually, no, I think I'm someone who won't do something if I don't feel like it. The realisation that I am so governed by my whims (even when they are logical, they are still whims) threw me a little.
Reading between the lines, life has been generally down. It may be the human contact withdrawal (seriously). I'm actually pretty confused right now; you can probably tell, because this post is teetering on the verge of incoherence, since I have so many issues to work through I don't know where to start, and tomorrow is looming like a giant deadline.
Fic has been my oblivion in these troubled moments.
Monday was surprisingly fun, in a sense; for some reason, it was a far better gathering than any of the actual gatherings we've tried so hard to organize over the years, and I think we all got to know each other a little better. Maybe it was the lack of manipulation, the absence of the feeling that we had to bond, so we just naturally drifted together and thought of ways to amuse ourselves, without pressure. I think it's interesting how you'll always have a special kind of bond with your primary school classmates, not quite friendship, but - an understanding? I'm not sure how to put it, but although I didn't have any of my friends there with me, (because all the other three girls there were people I had lost touch with, not literally, since two of them are in RGS, but in the way that matters), it was - fine. We sang together during the song-singing session, and we wrapped arms around each other, and there was just a sense of easy camaraderie, a sense of no-strings-attached, to put it one way. It was fun, but it lacked emotional connection; I remember someone commenting that Hey, we're all friends here, to the group - but we're not. It was in response to the question: "What was your happiest moment of 2008?" and I realized that probably nobody there would understand anything I'll say. I couldn't answer the question anyway; I don't know what really was my happiest moment, but even so, none of them would really have gotten any of the things I could think of. The emptiness hit harder towards the end, watching their antics, reveling in the childhood comfort of it, even, but some things never change, and - that just isn't my life anymore. It will get exhausting after a while, but notwithstanding that, it's always nice to get to meet up with them, catch glimpses of their lives again.
Somehow, my feelings towards CCA has reached the lowest point in all four years, and I didn't even know it was possible. But at least during previous years, there was the hope of Sec 4, the illusion of control, but this year, everything that screws up hits harder than ever because - it's our year. We don't have any other years to make up for it, and hence, the sense of helplessness is so much more acute. I told Steff yesterday that I felt like a nurse, watching my patient bleed horrendously to death, but not able to do anything because I wasn't a doctor, and I couldn't, wasn't authorized to. I meant that for SYF, but now I realize, that charming little metaphor can be extended to the entire CCA too. Perhaps it all begin with SYF, and that delay swarmed into all our other well-intentioned plans, but now it's snowballing out of control. The Sec 1s? Monday was just this huge blowout for me regarding them, and somehow, I feel as though we aren't doing right by them, that their first impressions of ELDS are not ideal. What is really getting me, though, are the authority figures, because I used to trust one, and at least saw the other as non-threatening and well-meaning, but I''m just being proven wrong over and over again, because they can both say such unreasonable and blatantly contradictory things to us without batting an eyelid, or realizing the sheer brazenness in their attitudes towards us. How is it that I can get to Sec Four and still feel as though I have no control over our SYF results? I feel like a hapless passenger of an imminent train wreck.
Another thing about CCA is that SYF is losing me all the creative theatre work I enjoy. Conceptualising, directing, writing - all the joys I associate with drama the way an actor naturally would acting are faded amongst the drudge work of SYF. Nancy asked me last night why I referred to drama as CCA, instead of drama, and - I realized that that's because it's precious little more than a CCA to me now. I'll be so, so damn glad when SYF is over, it almost makes me guilty.
Moving on, there is of course, the French immersion trip. Somehow, there is no graceful way to admit that I wasn't selected for the program - and there's the lingering feeling that every single thing I say after that dreadful sentence would be an excuse. I am not - indignant. I have full respect for our meritocratic system, and since I am so often a vocal proponent of meritocracy, it would obviously be grievously hypocritical to start thrashing it now after I've experienced the inevitable negative side effect of it. I cannot say I'm not upset; I was, last night, immediately after finding out - with the potential for tears, I say, but I didn't cry, and after talking to several people, the intensity of the disappointment faded, leaving a strange confusion as to why I'm upset. What comes into my mind now are only the reactions of the people I have to tell, how this would impact their opinions of me, and the regret at not being able to go to France and experience the French culture, that is palpable, but perhaps only as an afterthought - and if that's the case, perhaps MOELC was right? Meritocracy is built on results, not potential. I have to get used to rejection, particularly justified ones. It will just take time to get over it - like CAP, I presume, and mentions of that barely leaves a pang now, so - do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself? I would have liked to go, that's for sure, but I'll get over it. I always do.
I don't know how to talk about the other thing that's been bothering me, so I won't.
The culmination of all these was the overwhelming urge to go run this afternoon, so I gratefully embraced it (my running muse has been in hibernation since February) and I hit the treadmill, and for the first time ever, running felt so good I didn't want to stop. Usually, running feels good for the first km or two, and then I start flagging and cursing. But today I just kept running and running, faster and faster (and using the most cliched line ever: as though I was running away from something) with thoughts flitting through my head - the best kind of mindlessness, when you can't think because you're so focused on running, but the beginnings of thoughts help take your mind off running enough that you don't feel tired. Awesome symbiosis, isn't that? I cooled off after 4 and a little more km, tired, but a good kind of tired. The rush faded quickly, though and then it turned sour, the kind which discourages me from homework and productivity and instead leaves me on my couch staring at the drifting clouds in the sky -
And I'm worried, okay. Despair has never had me this thoroughly in his grip before.
I don't know what's happening. I don't usually need a week to shake clouds of unproductivity off, and right now I just can't afford to!, but my - mind just isn't listening to me. This is not usual, harmless fanfic-addicted slacking off. This is - this is dropping out of school slacking off! Only moments seem to mean anything to me now.
RAWR. This sounds so stupid and angst-y. I need Chinese foolscap so I can get my head into Chinese and forget all these rubbish.
This has probably been the least productive holidays since RGS -.- Principally because I have felt so out of sorts and disinterested in doing homework, even while wanting to do it. It sounds paradoxical, yes, but that's what hit me the hardest; apparently, I am someone who will only do something I want - actually, no, I think I'm someone who won't do something if I don't feel like it. The realisation that I am so governed by my whims (even when they are logical, they are still whims) threw me a little.
Reading between the lines, life has been generally down. It may be the human contact withdrawal (seriously). I'm actually pretty confused right now; you can probably tell, because this post is teetering on the verge of incoherence, since I have so many issues to work through I don't know where to start, and tomorrow is looming like a giant deadline.
Fic has been my oblivion in these troubled moments.
Monday was surprisingly fun, in a sense; for some reason, it was a far better gathering than any of the actual gatherings we've tried so hard to organize over the years, and I think we all got to know each other a little better. Maybe it was the lack of manipulation, the absence of the feeling that we had to bond, so we just naturally drifted together and thought of ways to amuse ourselves, without pressure. I think it's interesting how you'll always have a special kind of bond with your primary school classmates, not quite friendship, but - an understanding? I'm not sure how to put it, but although I didn't have any of my friends there with me, (because all the other three girls there were people I had lost touch with, not literally, since two of them are in RGS, but in the way that matters), it was - fine. We sang together during the song-singing session, and we wrapped arms around each other, and there was just a sense of easy camaraderie, a sense of no-strings-attached, to put it one way. It was fun, but it lacked emotional connection; I remember someone commenting that Hey, we're all friends here, to the group - but we're not. It was in response to the question: "What was your happiest moment of 2008?" and I realized that probably nobody there would understand anything I'll say. I couldn't answer the question anyway; I don't know what really was my happiest moment, but even so, none of them would really have gotten any of the things I could think of. The emptiness hit harder towards the end, watching their antics, reveling in the childhood comfort of it, even, but some things never change, and - that just isn't my life anymore. It will get exhausting after a while, but notwithstanding that, it's always nice to get to meet up with them, catch glimpses of their lives again.
Somehow, my feelings towards CCA has reached the lowest point in all four years, and I didn't even know it was possible. But at least during previous years, there was the hope of Sec 4, the illusion of control, but this year, everything that screws up hits harder than ever because - it's our year. We don't have any other years to make up for it, and hence, the sense of helplessness is so much more acute. I told Steff yesterday that I felt like a nurse, watching my patient bleed horrendously to death, but not able to do anything because I wasn't a doctor, and I couldn't, wasn't authorized to. I meant that for SYF, but now I realize, that charming little metaphor can be extended to the entire CCA too. Perhaps it all begin with SYF, and that delay swarmed into all our other well-intentioned plans, but now it's snowballing out of control. The Sec 1s? Monday was just this huge blowout for me regarding them, and somehow, I feel as though we aren't doing right by them, that their first impressions of ELDS are not ideal. What is really getting me, though, are the authority figures, because I used to trust one, and at least saw the other as non-threatening and well-meaning, but I''m just being proven wrong over and over again, because they can both say such unreasonable and blatantly contradictory things to us without batting an eyelid, or realizing the sheer brazenness in their attitudes towards us. How is it that I can get to Sec Four and still feel as though I have no control over our SYF results? I feel like a hapless passenger of an imminent train wreck.
Another thing about CCA is that SYF is losing me all the creative theatre work I enjoy. Conceptualising, directing, writing - all the joys I associate with drama the way an actor naturally would acting are faded amongst the drudge work of SYF. Nancy asked me last night why I referred to drama as CCA, instead of drama, and - I realized that that's because it's precious little more than a CCA to me now. I'll be so, so damn glad when SYF is over, it almost makes me guilty.
Moving on, there is of course, the French immersion trip. Somehow, there is no graceful way to admit that I wasn't selected for the program - and there's the lingering feeling that every single thing I say after that dreadful sentence would be an excuse. I am not - indignant. I have full respect for our meritocratic system, and since I am so often a vocal proponent of meritocracy, it would obviously be grievously hypocritical to start thrashing it now after I've experienced the inevitable negative side effect of it. I cannot say I'm not upset; I was, last night, immediately after finding out - with the potential for tears, I say, but I didn't cry, and after talking to several people, the intensity of the disappointment faded, leaving a strange confusion as to why I'm upset. What comes into my mind now are only the reactions of the people I have to tell, how this would impact their opinions of me, and the regret at not being able to go to France and experience the French culture, that is palpable, but perhaps only as an afterthought - and if that's the case, perhaps MOELC was right? Meritocracy is built on results, not potential. I have to get used to rejection, particularly justified ones. It will just take time to get over it - like CAP, I presume, and mentions of that barely leaves a pang now, so - do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself? I would have liked to go, that's for sure, but I'll get over it. I always do.
I don't know how to talk about the other thing that's been bothering me, so I won't.
The culmination of all these was the overwhelming urge to go run this afternoon, so I gratefully embraced it (my running muse has been in hibernation since February) and I hit the treadmill, and for the first time ever, running felt so good I didn't want to stop. Usually, running feels good for the first km or two, and then I start flagging and cursing. But today I just kept running and running, faster and faster (and using the most cliched line ever: as though I was running away from something) with thoughts flitting through my head - the best kind of mindlessness, when you can't think because you're so focused on running, but the beginnings of thoughts help take your mind off running enough that you don't feel tired. Awesome symbiosis, isn't that? I cooled off after 4 and a little more km, tired, but a good kind of tired. The rush faded quickly, though and then it turned sour, the kind which discourages me from homework and productivity and instead leaves me on my couch staring at the drifting clouds in the sky -
And I'm worried, okay. Despair has never had me this thoroughly in his grip before.
I don't know what's happening. I don't usually need a week to shake clouds of unproductivity off, and right now I just can't afford to!, but my - mind just isn't listening to me. This is not usual, harmless fanfic-addicted slacking off. This is - this is dropping out of school slacking off! Only moments seem to mean anything to me now.
RAWR. This sounds so stupid and angst-y. I need Chinese foolscap so I can get my head into Chinese and forget all these rubbish.