nothing else I can say;
Or rather, I don't know what to say, which is funny, right, considering there never used to be this problem.
I am pretty upset, and I think it's getting into my focus on other things, which wasn't wholly expected, but not unexpected either, given my tendency to let emotions ruin my productivity, which I've obviously exhibited excessively over last year, but I never thought it would be over you, which just goes to show life is replete with little ironies like this, yeah? I don't even know what exactly happened, just that something did, and I'm not sure how long this can go on before I explode or something.
Sometimes I think I'm so incredibly lucky to have the people around me that I do, and I completely don't deserve them at all.
I have been discernably snappier these days, I think. Arrogant. I hate that word. I went into my sulky mood during Philo again; the shift was unconscious but impossibly compelling, and it is a very mean thing to do, but the class seems to be so much more willing to talk if I don't, so why not do us both a favour, right? Mr. Funelas is rapidly turning my distaste for the philo curriculum into outright antipathy, both for the way philo is 'conducted' and his teaching style, (which makes it incredibly hard for me to respect him), which is unfortunate -tragic, actually, because - philo! It's so sad that I alternately dread or get angry at/during philo lesson each week. Theoretically, if this was any other subject, I'll talk to the teacher about it, but I don't particularly want to talk to Funelas.
It isn't just philo, I think. My general ennui with the school system is swelling, and if I may stress the flood metaphor, it will overrun my dam of carefully cultivated propriety and pragmatism soon. It's a lot of disillusionment, I think, partly due to the multiple failures of my history and SS FAs, and of course, the chem PPA, all of which shouldn't matter as much as they do. I cannot afford to not-do well in SS/History, can I? It's both Jalleh/Law, my rep, and most importantly, my report card (metaphorically).
The more frustrated I get at RGS, the more I seek UWC as an escape, the more important leaving RGS, leaving RP, leaving Singapore means to me, and - the scarier it is if I don't actually manage to get into UWC, or worse still, if the reality UWC crashes through the lofty pedestral I hoisted it up onto. What if there isn't an education system for me? What if everything out there is just as rigid and oppressive as this? And RGS is already liberal when it comes to discussion and the people in it. It's the system I despair over. But what if all systems are the same?
I feel like I need counselling. Strange, huh?
I don't even know where all this angst is coming from. It's making all my 2008 emotional turmoil look like a pale shadow of the real thing.
Funny, that the Frustrated icon is the Microsoft Windows icon.