Comfort Yourself (fanfiction-Supernatural)
Title: Comfort Yourself
Author: slash4femme
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing/Category: pre-slash Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG-13
Warning: spoilers through to season 5 episode 1, talk of religion
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, I do not make money off of doing this. The only thing I'm getting out of this is pure unadulterated creative enjoyment and less hours for me to spend doing my real work.
Summary: Castiel is looking for God
Author Note: I've had this in my head for weeks so I finally wrote it. The translation of Rumi is by Daniel Landinsky.
there some position you want, some office, some acclaim, some award, some con, some lover, maybe two, maybe three, maybe four- all at once,
Maybe a relationship with God?
I know there is a gold mine in you, when you find it the wonderment of the Earth’s gifts you will lay aside as naturally as a child a doll
But, dear, how sweet you look to me kissing the unreal;
Comfort, fulfill yourself in any way possible-do that until you ache, until you ache,
Then come to me again.
~Rumi
Castiel is looking for his Father, looking for God, and this in itself is a problem. God is no longer in Heaven and some days Castiel doubts he ever was, but that leaves nowhere else that Castiel can go with any certainty and time is something he does not have. He goes to all the Holy places revered by humans first but once there he doesn’t not know what he is looking for. Castiel might be an angel of the Lord but he does not know what God looks like and he looks at the people there, looking at their hearts and their faces, looks at the builds or empty ground, looks at the sky and the trees and hills and desserts and the birds and other small animals. God might be any of these things and Castiel wonders if he would even know.
Castiel never used to wonder, not about anything, he knew what his superiors told him was just and that had been enough for longer then humans had numbers for. Now though, now he wonders and wonders, and he does not know, he does not know anything. It bothers him a lot.
Some days he doesn’t believe he’ll find God at all.
He wanders the cities of Earth, stretches his reach out to the mountaintops and to the seas, reaches out into space beyond Earth, but he feels nothings, there is no certainty there.
His Father exists Castiel knows this. His Father is the only power strong enough to have saved Dean and Sam from Lucifer, the only thing that could have resurrected him after his death at the hands of Raphael. These facts are the only hope Castiel has against world spinning faster and faster out of the control and the forces of Heaven and Hell arrayed against each other.
Castiel never used to hope for anything, because he knew and he was certain. These days though Castiel hopes for many, many things and more often then not hope is all he has.
Sam and Dean are sleeping when Castiel finds them. The hotel room is small and cramped and smells like something slightly unpleasant. Castiel sits on the edge of Deans bed and watches him sleep, thinks about Dean capacity to love which is something not even Hell could destroy. He thinks maybe one day Dean might come to love him, and he thinks he might like that. Angels were made to love everything equally, but Castiel knows that in reality this is not true. Too many angels love being angels more then they love each other, more then they love God’s creation, and Castiel now knows, more then they love God. Castiel loves God, and he loves Dean, and he’s very fond of other humans too. He brushes a hand across Dean’s forehead, brushes back Dean’s hair. Dean turns away from him in his sleep but doesn’t wake and Castiel sighs a little bit.
He leaves then and goes to a synagogue in a large city. He is just standing looking up when the Rabbi finds him.
“May I help you?”
Castiel turns towards him and sees that the man is very young and is smiling a small tentative smile. “I used to be so sure I knew God’s plan, but I don’t know.” Castiel tells him softly and does not mean for the pain, fear, and grief to come across in his voice but it does anyway. He looks way from the other man’s eyes, as he admits the worse weakness of all, “I do not know God’s will anymore.”
When he looks back the man’s eyes are kind with an understanding and compassion, Castiel still does not truly understand. The man reaches forward and grasps Castiel’s shoulder briefly. “Have faith,” the man tells him quietly, “and you will have clarity again.”
Castiel nods, squares his shoulders and tries.
Dean is still asleep when Castiel returns and Castiel does not sleep but he lies next to Dean anyway and curls around him. He thinks about what the young Rabbi had said. He thinks about the people, and the places and the birds and animals and the rivers and oceans and the stars that he has searched for God. He thinks of the soup kitchens and street corners, and shelters he traveled to. He thinks of the churches and temples and Holy places he has gone. He thinks that maybe God was there and he simply was unable to see clearly enough. He thinks about Dean’s love, Sam’s love, and his own love. He thinks maybe there is a better reason they all were saved then to fight and die in a war he knows is not God's.
He doesn’t know, he really, really doesn’t. Not now, not anymore, but Castiel has faith.
Author: slash4femme
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing/Category: pre-slash Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG-13
Warning: spoilers through to season 5 episode 1, talk of religion
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, I do not make money off of doing this. The only thing I'm getting out of this is pure unadulterated creative enjoyment and less hours for me to spend doing my real work.
Summary: Castiel is looking for God
Author Note: I've had this in my head for weeks so I finally wrote it. The translation of Rumi is by Daniel Landinsky.
there some position you want, some office, some acclaim, some award, some con, some lover, maybe two, maybe three, maybe four- all at once,
Maybe a relationship with God?
I know there is a gold mine in you, when you find it the wonderment of the Earth’s gifts you will lay aside as naturally as a child a doll
But, dear, how sweet you look to me kissing the unreal;
Comfort, fulfill yourself in any way possible-do that until you ache, until you ache,
Then come to me again.
~Rumi
Castiel is looking for his Father, looking for God, and this in itself is a problem. God is no longer in Heaven and some days Castiel doubts he ever was, but that leaves nowhere else that Castiel can go with any certainty and time is something he does not have. He goes to all the Holy places revered by humans first but once there he doesn’t not know what he is looking for. Castiel might be an angel of the Lord but he does not know what God looks like and he looks at the people there, looking at their hearts and their faces, looks at the builds or empty ground, looks at the sky and the trees and hills and desserts and the birds and other small animals. God might be any of these things and Castiel wonders if he would even know.
Castiel never used to wonder, not about anything, he knew what his superiors told him was just and that had been enough for longer then humans had numbers for. Now though, now he wonders and wonders, and he does not know, he does not know anything. It bothers him a lot.
Some days he doesn’t believe he’ll find God at all.
He wanders the cities of Earth, stretches his reach out to the mountaintops and to the seas, reaches out into space beyond Earth, but he feels nothings, there is no certainty there.
His Father exists Castiel knows this. His Father is the only power strong enough to have saved Dean and Sam from Lucifer, the only thing that could have resurrected him after his death at the hands of Raphael. These facts are the only hope Castiel has against world spinning faster and faster out of the control and the forces of Heaven and Hell arrayed against each other.
Castiel never used to hope for anything, because he knew and he was certain. These days though Castiel hopes for many, many things and more often then not hope is all he has.
Sam and Dean are sleeping when Castiel finds them. The hotel room is small and cramped and smells like something slightly unpleasant. Castiel sits on the edge of Deans bed and watches him sleep, thinks about Dean capacity to love which is something not even Hell could destroy. He thinks maybe one day Dean might come to love him, and he thinks he might like that. Angels were made to love everything equally, but Castiel knows that in reality this is not true. Too many angels love being angels more then they love each other, more then they love God’s creation, and Castiel now knows, more then they love God. Castiel loves God, and he loves Dean, and he’s very fond of other humans too. He brushes a hand across Dean’s forehead, brushes back Dean’s hair. Dean turns away from him in his sleep but doesn’t wake and Castiel sighs a little bit.
He leaves then and goes to a synagogue in a large city. He is just standing looking up when the Rabbi finds him.
“May I help you?”
Castiel turns towards him and sees that the man is very young and is smiling a small tentative smile. “I used to be so sure I knew God’s plan, but I don’t know.” Castiel tells him softly and does not mean for the pain, fear, and grief to come across in his voice but it does anyway. He looks way from the other man’s eyes, as he admits the worse weakness of all, “I do not know God’s will anymore.”
When he looks back the man’s eyes are kind with an understanding and compassion, Castiel still does not truly understand. The man reaches forward and grasps Castiel’s shoulder briefly. “Have faith,” the man tells him quietly, “and you will have clarity again.”
Castiel nods, squares his shoulders and tries.
Dean is still asleep when Castiel returns and Castiel does not sleep but he lies next to Dean anyway and curls around him. He thinks about what the young Rabbi had said. He thinks about the people, and the places and the birds and animals and the rivers and oceans and the stars that he has searched for God. He thinks of the soup kitchens and street corners, and shelters he traveled to. He thinks of the churches and temples and Holy places he has gone. He thinks that maybe God was there and he simply was unable to see clearly enough. He thinks about Dean’s love, Sam’s love, and his own love. He thinks maybe there is a better reason they all were saved then to fight and die in a war he knows is not God's.
He doesn’t know, he really, really doesn’t. Not now, not anymore, but Castiel has faith.