Well Shit.
So today I got an email from Nicole officially ending our friendship, for a lot of convoluted reasons that I don't really understand- apparently I'm not the funny, happy person she loves anymore, and sometimes even miserable to be around. But she loves me and doesn't know what will happen in her future, maybe she'll change her mind and want to be friends again someday. She hopes I'll understand and forgive her.
...I don't see how this makes any sense. I should probably refuse to ever even look at her again for this, but in all honesty, I'd accept her friendship again in a heartbeat. I guess now I just focus on not letting this ruin the end of my senior year (that's going to be a challenge at best) and from there, try to be a happier person(?). I can't really put into words how I feel about this. The analogy that keeps coming to mind is that there's some part of me, the part that controls my emotions and reactions, that is flickering on and off, like its battery is dying. Most of the time now it's off- I can go most of the day without even really feeling all of this. I can talk about it and I feel like I'm telling someone else's story. Sometimes it nudges me, flickering back to life for a minute before I smother it. Usually it comes on when I'm alone and let myself think about all of this for a while. Then the gears start turning again and before I know it, I'm sobbing. It's really weird. I feel like I'll be okay, get over this without too much trouble- maybe Nicole will change her mind, after all; but then I suddenly realize I don't have Nicole anymore, at all, and I feel like somebody's kicked my heart, and it's going to stay bruised.
So, waffling.
Ow.