(no subject)
I got woken up at 4.30 this morning by the sound of birds singing.. really. Being a light sleeper, there's no way I could have gotten back to sleep, so I came on the internet instead. However, instead of reaching out to the safe throes of LJ, I searched for information about what I'm doing to my body. I came across a site called www.skwigg.com, holding this article:
'My Sad Story of Starvation and Flab
Humor me for a minute while I tell you my sad tale.
I clearly remember sitting in the kitchen reading a magazine article about
anorexia and saying out loud to my horrified mother, "I wish I could get
that." Well, you've heard the old saying about being careful what you wish
for! I mustered up the willpower to cut my calories to 1,200 a day - then
1,000 - then 800 - then 500 - then none. Every time the weight loss stopped
I dropped it a little more. I was within the normal weight range for my
height when I started this but I dropped 30 lbs anyway.
Now, this was not a pretty state of affairs. I wasn't chic or beautiful. I
was dry-skinned, dull-haired, sunken eyed, and FLABBY. The calorie
restriction had cost me all of my muscle tone so I looked awful. I was
"thin" but I still had a sagging butt, cellulite, and a distended stomach. I
still wouldn't have worn a bathing suit or shorts in public if my life
depended on it. I didn't grasp that this was a direct result of the
starvation diet. I just thought that I was cursed with bad genes or some
drivel. I was really perplexed that I could be so thin and still be saggy
and dimpled.
I couldn't exercise because everything turned purple when I moved fast. I
was freezing cold all the time. I was always shaky and nauseous from low
blood sugar. Nothing like that pounding headache and nausea 24 hours a day!
I couldn't have endured this indefinitely. Every fiber of my being was
urging me to eat, so when I did eat, I totally lost control. I ate
everything that wasn't nailed to the floor. I ate until I hurt. I ate until
I puked. I ate until I felt *horrible* about myself. I mean, what a
weak-willed slug! What a failure! I would become more determined than ever
to starve and re-gain control. And then, of course, I would eventually cave
in and eat everything in sight.
I finally came to my senses and decided that I didn't like that ugly cycle.
I decided that was going to just eat a modest 800 calories every day. That
way I could keep the weight off and not feel so crazed... I thought. What
actually happened is that I had my metabolism so screwed up I began
*gaining* weight on only 800 calories a day. I gained 10 pounds in 2 weeks!
On 800 calories a day! I can't even tell you how much that scared me. What
does that mean? If I want to be thin, I can't eat at all now???
After I started eating again and I started gaining weight, I pretty much
gave up. I ate anything and everything. I quickly regained the 30 pounds and
then some. Only here's the real horror, when I lost weight, I lost a
combination of fat and muscle. What I gained back was *all fat.* Muscle is
metabolically active, the more of it you have the more calories you burn
around the clock and the easier it is to stay lean. And I now had, like,
*none*. NO MUSCLE. NO METABOLISM. Thanks to my brilliant brush with
starvation, I'd managed to transform myself from a normal athletic looking
teenager with a normal metabolism into a pudgy human dough girl with the
metabolism of a small snail.'
Basically, Renee (the author) looks absolutely gorgeous now. She is so toned and fit and HAPPY.
My 800cals or less just weren't sustainable, and although that was always in the back of my mind, I needed the above article to get me to think realistically. I'm upsetting my boyfriend aswell. Granted, he says some things that make me wanna stop eating sometimes... but he just doesn't understand properly, and I can give him that.
I know why I wasn't happy at my first goal weight, it's because i'm 'skinnyfat'. I look slim, skinny even, to other people when I've got my clothes on, but when I take them off, I can see a body covered in fat. That's why people don't understand when I complain i'm fat.
So I'm going to stop complaining, and just get on with it. I know what I need to do. I've made up a cardio and weights plan, and I'm going to cycle my calories from 1200 to 2000 to create my own metabolism. I'd rather put on weight and have it all be muscle, giving me a strong, lean body, than be a 98lb weakling. Um endet zum Tag, I just want to be happy. And the happiness that being 'skinny' gives me, just doesn't balance out with the sadness I'm subjected to when I can't eat what I want to.
I'm going to leave this entry on here, just so people can read where I've gone. It's a shame I won't be able to keep up with everyone in a way, but I'm going to join some more communities on recovery, eating healthily and becoming lean.
I hope you girls find what you're looking for, because I haven't found what I've been looking for, and I think I've been looking in the wrong place.
♥
'My Sad Story of Starvation and Flab
Humor me for a minute while I tell you my sad tale.
I clearly remember sitting in the kitchen reading a magazine article about
anorexia and saying out loud to my horrified mother, "I wish I could get
that." Well, you've heard the old saying about being careful what you wish
for! I mustered up the willpower to cut my calories to 1,200 a day - then
1,000 - then 800 - then 500 - then none. Every time the weight loss stopped
I dropped it a little more. I was within the normal weight range for my
height when I started this but I dropped 30 lbs anyway.
Now, this was not a pretty state of affairs. I wasn't chic or beautiful. I
was dry-skinned, dull-haired, sunken eyed, and FLABBY. The calorie
restriction had cost me all of my muscle tone so I looked awful. I was
"thin" but I still had a sagging butt, cellulite, and a distended stomach. I
still wouldn't have worn a bathing suit or shorts in public if my life
depended on it. I didn't grasp that this was a direct result of the
starvation diet. I just thought that I was cursed with bad genes or some
drivel. I was really perplexed that I could be so thin and still be saggy
and dimpled.
I couldn't exercise because everything turned purple when I moved fast. I
was freezing cold all the time. I was always shaky and nauseous from low
blood sugar. Nothing like that pounding headache and nausea 24 hours a day!
I couldn't have endured this indefinitely. Every fiber of my being was
urging me to eat, so when I did eat, I totally lost control. I ate
everything that wasn't nailed to the floor. I ate until I hurt. I ate until
I puked. I ate until I felt *horrible* about myself. I mean, what a
weak-willed slug! What a failure! I would become more determined than ever
to starve and re-gain control. And then, of course, I would eventually cave
in and eat everything in sight.
I finally came to my senses and decided that I didn't like that ugly cycle.
I decided that was going to just eat a modest 800 calories every day. That
way I could keep the weight off and not feel so crazed... I thought. What
actually happened is that I had my metabolism so screwed up I began
*gaining* weight on only 800 calories a day. I gained 10 pounds in 2 weeks!
On 800 calories a day! I can't even tell you how much that scared me. What
does that mean? If I want to be thin, I can't eat at all now???
After I started eating again and I started gaining weight, I pretty much
gave up. I ate anything and everything. I quickly regained the 30 pounds and
then some. Only here's the real horror, when I lost weight, I lost a
combination of fat and muscle. What I gained back was *all fat.* Muscle is
metabolically active, the more of it you have the more calories you burn
around the clock and the easier it is to stay lean. And I now had, like,
*none*. NO MUSCLE. NO METABOLISM. Thanks to my brilliant brush with
starvation, I'd managed to transform myself from a normal athletic looking
teenager with a normal metabolism into a pudgy human dough girl with the
metabolism of a small snail.'
Basically, Renee (the author) looks absolutely gorgeous now. She is so toned and fit and HAPPY.
My 800cals or less just weren't sustainable, and although that was always in the back of my mind, I needed the above article to get me to think realistically. I'm upsetting my boyfriend aswell. Granted, he says some things that make me wanna stop eating sometimes... but he just doesn't understand properly, and I can give him that.
I know why I wasn't happy at my first goal weight, it's because i'm 'skinnyfat'. I look slim, skinny even, to other people when I've got my clothes on, but when I take them off, I can see a body covered in fat. That's why people don't understand when I complain i'm fat.
So I'm going to stop complaining, and just get on with it. I know what I need to do. I've made up a cardio and weights plan, and I'm going to cycle my calories from 1200 to 2000 to create my own metabolism. I'd rather put on weight and have it all be muscle, giving me a strong, lean body, than be a 98lb weakling. Um endet zum Tag, I just want to be happy. And the happiness that being 'skinny' gives me, just doesn't balance out with the sadness I'm subjected to when I can't eat what I want to.
I'm going to leave this entry on here, just so people can read where I've gone. It's a shame I won't be able to keep up with everyone in a way, but I'm going to join some more communities on recovery, eating healthily and becoming lean.
I hope you girls find what you're looking for, because I haven't found what I've been looking for, and I think I've been looking in the wrong place.
♥