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well it's been a while but the need to update struck me this morning.without talking to anyone i have been struggling to gain a few pounds,i miss my curves and well my boobs.so i put on about six pounds recently.i was feeling pretty good about it then i hear suddenly,"hey bony gain some weight,your nasty".this from who other than mr.wonderful!or hubby!how gut wrenching to hear.not only have i gained weight for ME i have quit smoking the mean green,and only smoke two packs of cigs every seven or more days.IT IS SO HARD!my son and myself are just lingering.ya think i'd catch a mental break from my worse half.but nope he still hates me as much as ever.i wake up today to be told how much i am like my mother and that he only married me because he thought i would get a disability check month to month.well i don't!so now i am a mooch and a worthless bitch like my mom.the thing is i am so completely different than her it's ridiculous.i just want some affection.i get no hugs no kisses no i love yous.when i get locked out or smacked around i never get an i'm sorry,or a "are you hurt"?i just get a you make me this way,and if you'd just leave.how painful.my son is imitating everything that we do so now he bites me smacks me and kicks me hard!he grabbed my throat and put tiny nail prints in it because i made him come in the house as it got dark outside.i know my kid loves me.although it makes me sick he lashes out this way.so the thing is my shit is bagged up and i'm packing his stuff to with not a soul to turn to.i mean i have three diapers till jeremy gets off work nine hours from now.
i always thought if i was pretty and not stuck up and cooked,cleaned ,maintained being mom and wifey,that i would be considered.i'm not though.so the other night he runs after me and i ran and hid outside.my son was calling me and crying and i was too scared to go to him.i rubbed a hole right through my arm.literally a hole!SICK!!!so i have been packing things secretly now it's done and i draw a blank.no roach infested salvation army for my two year old.i think everyone who knows me knows i am on the virge of suicide.though i don't speak it i know it shows.i hate everything that i have become and my life hurts.and my son deserves more than me.death scares.but this life scares me more.my family in michigan so far away.my mother could care less,she only calls to cry for herself and when i mention these things to her,the focus quickly changes to her own grief.but she is a alcoholic and i am not so her problems are self induced and i have grown calis to her situations.my brother too busy with his life to notice,my baby sister to brain washed to care.and that sums it up as far as who i have.something has to give...but it never does.i'm hurt and well i just ache!i don't have the heart to disrupt little mans life as mine was as a kid.but i can't imagine life without him,actually i can't imagine life anymore.i waited four days for my pops to call me and just to talk to him because i have missed him alot.first thing he does is ask for my brothers number and says love you and i'll call back.how hurtful!my brother may be his biologically,but i was the first child he raised.now i feel as if i am back-burner bitch to all.i wish my head on collision would have killed me.now i just die slowly instead.i don't want to handle it anymore.no more trying to fight this anorexia thats for sure it's already way hard without being reminded i'm to thin.hell six pounds made me proud,now it just makes me sick.i miss being a teenager,boyfriends popularity,parties,health,friends....i have to roll out i am exhausted.sorry for the emotional killer.peace homies.
i always thought if i was pretty and not stuck up and cooked,cleaned ,maintained being mom and wifey,that i would be considered.i'm not though.so the other night he runs after me and i ran and hid outside.my son was calling me and crying and i was too scared to go to him.i rubbed a hole right through my arm.literally a hole!SICK!!!so i have been packing things secretly now it's done and i draw a blank.no roach infested salvation army for my two year old.i think everyone who knows me knows i am on the virge of suicide.though i don't speak it i know it shows.i hate everything that i have become and my life hurts.and my son deserves more than me.death scares.but this life scares me more.my family in michigan so far away.my mother could care less,she only calls to cry for herself and when i mention these things to her,the focus quickly changes to her own grief.but she is a alcoholic and i am not so her problems are self induced and i have grown calis to her situations.my brother too busy with his life to notice,my baby sister to brain washed to care.and that sums it up as far as who i have.something has to give...but it never does.i'm hurt and well i just ache!i don't have the heart to disrupt little mans life as mine was as a kid.but i can't imagine life without him,actually i can't imagine life anymore.i waited four days for my pops to call me and just to talk to him because i have missed him alot.first thing he does is ask for my brothers number and says love you and i'll call back.how hurtful!my brother may be his biologically,but i was the first child he raised.now i feel as if i am back-burner bitch to all.i wish my head on collision would have killed me.now i just die slowly instead.i don't want to handle it anymore.no more trying to fight this anorexia thats for sure it's already way hard without being reminded i'm to thin.hell six pounds made me proud,now it just makes me sick.i miss being a teenager,boyfriends popularity,parties,health,friends....i have to roll out i am exhausted.sorry for the emotional killer.peace homies.