you better find somebody to love
life has been pretty grim, as usual when i decide to post on this.. many of my thoughts from my past post still apply...i thought this was suppose to get easier not harder? Dramatic situations have made it almost impossible to be with the one i love, one of the few that actually understand me sometimes, but it does not really matter because she does not want me anyway.
I am stuck without happiness. Why live if u cannot enjoy it. Some people are just naturally happy or joyful or whatever on the outside, which is nice because it can bring up the morale of people around them, but it is a gift in itself, just is happy-style personality. I do not think im very naturally content with much of anything, and i need things to make me feel ok. Certain drugs can achieve that, as i learned from a young age (opiates) but the point is you should not rely on those types of things b/c in the long term it just backfires. im trying really hard not to do these drugs to get by but when u don't have an alternative anything is better then being in misery. Waking up depressed, thinking the only reason i have to get up out of bed is gone. I may seem weak that i cannot just easily overcome these things like some people, but i just cannot. I got that feeling of well being from opiates, before i ever met a girl i was interested in or experienced any emotions of that sort. It is an insult to love to compare it to a chemical feeling. The way a person can make you feel is beyond it all.
I didn't truly feel connected with someone until much later in life but once you realize what is possible, where do you go from here? (the words are coming out all weird where are you now when i need you) just find someone new? no one can compare...certainly don't want to rely on drugs for escaping reality....that's the difference is with love, your embracing reality, being part of it and enjoying it not being discontent with it constantly (why should i get out of bed this morning) and having to escape to get by and forget about your miseries to get to the next shitty day. So no escape, no content ness with life...misery. Im sick of escaping. Maybe i am just new at this, but i do not understand how u can just stop having feelings for someone u once felt so strongly for. I could not talk to her or hear from her for two weeks and i felt even worse, i thought i might never hear her voice again, ever. i guess i just care more about her then vice versa, hopelessly attached...i hope that coping with this shit gets easier then with your first love...(feels depressing saying 'first') finding someone that cares about you and you can care about deeply and knowing that they do, in your mind, is a beautiful happiness and content ness. (Feels like a fading memory now) i need to be loved. I need to feel like someone cares about me. I do not have enough self-esteem to make it just on my own. No one gives a shit about me
Everyone has there way of getting it somehow throughout their day... there are very few things that make me genuinely happy anymore
looks like i am at another one of those crossroads at life where things change a lot...i guess i am kind of scared of major change in a way b/c i am not sure if i am going to like it better then what im already used to but given the current situation it cant get much worse i guess...i got to find a way to make me feel ALIVE again, have felt literally dead for a very long time, get an interest or something... i miss how i used to feel when i would really get into playing guitar.. That pure serotonin release from your body. b/c i have no interesting things to preoccupy myself i am constantly thinking about negative shit, and even if u do that the issue is still there just you are escaping it temporary..
i don't meet new people, and im shy as it is...my group of friends has slowly and slowly lowered as i lost contact with people and people left town... i know plenty of people in this town but i feel i have very very few true friends.. i can't really see myself making many new connections, especially relationship-wise... plus i didn't end up in a serious relationship until i was out of high school...based back on my whole personality thing... so that doesn't really give much hope for 'there's plenty of fish in the sea' or whatever, if it took me this long to find someone i really liked... :( i don't know. I wanted to escape New York and the bs here and start together new with someone special... that seems like such a beautiful solution...why cant things just go back to the way they were, why must everything get so fucked up...
Felt good to at least get this all out of me, even though i stayed up all night, hopefully someone will read it and understand how i feel a littler better now...i rarely write journals anymore, funny how my problems changed from my early journals to now...oh how things change... fuck change
so i guess im back to killing time...
I am stuck without happiness. Why live if u cannot enjoy it. Some people are just naturally happy or joyful or whatever on the outside, which is nice because it can bring up the morale of people around them, but it is a gift in itself, just is happy-style personality. I do not think im very naturally content with much of anything, and i need things to make me feel ok. Certain drugs can achieve that, as i learned from a young age (opiates) but the point is you should not rely on those types of things b/c in the long term it just backfires. im trying really hard not to do these drugs to get by but when u don't have an alternative anything is better then being in misery. Waking up depressed, thinking the only reason i have to get up out of bed is gone. I may seem weak that i cannot just easily overcome these things like some people, but i just cannot. I got that feeling of well being from opiates, before i ever met a girl i was interested in or experienced any emotions of that sort. It is an insult to love to compare it to a chemical feeling. The way a person can make you feel is beyond it all.
I didn't truly feel connected with someone until much later in life but once you realize what is possible, where do you go from here? (the words are coming out all weird where are you now when i need you) just find someone new? no one can compare...certainly don't want to rely on drugs for escaping reality....that's the difference is with love, your embracing reality, being part of it and enjoying it not being discontent with it constantly (why should i get out of bed this morning) and having to escape to get by and forget about your miseries to get to the next shitty day. So no escape, no content ness with life...misery. Im sick of escaping. Maybe i am just new at this, but i do not understand how u can just stop having feelings for someone u once felt so strongly for. I could not talk to her or hear from her for two weeks and i felt even worse, i thought i might never hear her voice again, ever. i guess i just care more about her then vice versa, hopelessly attached...i hope that coping with this shit gets easier then with your first love...(feels depressing saying 'first') finding someone that cares about you and you can care about deeply and knowing that they do, in your mind, is a beautiful happiness and content ness. (Feels like a fading memory now) i need to be loved. I need to feel like someone cares about me. I do not have enough self-esteem to make it just on my own. No one gives a shit about me
Everyone has there way of getting it somehow throughout their day... there are very few things that make me genuinely happy anymore
looks like i am at another one of those crossroads at life where things change a lot...i guess i am kind of scared of major change in a way b/c i am not sure if i am going to like it better then what im already used to but given the current situation it cant get much worse i guess...i got to find a way to make me feel ALIVE again, have felt literally dead for a very long time, get an interest or something... i miss how i used to feel when i would really get into playing guitar.. That pure serotonin release from your body. b/c i have no interesting things to preoccupy myself i am constantly thinking about negative shit, and even if u do that the issue is still there just you are escaping it temporary..
i don't meet new people, and im shy as it is...my group of friends has slowly and slowly lowered as i lost contact with people and people left town... i know plenty of people in this town but i feel i have very very few true friends.. i can't really see myself making many new connections, especially relationship-wise... plus i didn't end up in a serious relationship until i was out of high school...based back on my whole personality thing... so that doesn't really give much hope for 'there's plenty of fish in the sea' or whatever, if it took me this long to find someone i really liked... :( i don't know. I wanted to escape New York and the bs here and start together new with someone special... that seems like such a beautiful solution...why cant things just go back to the way they were, why must everything get so fucked up...
Felt good to at least get this all out of me, even though i stayed up all night, hopefully someone will read it and understand how i feel a littler better now...i rarely write journals anymore, funny how my problems changed from my early journals to now...oh how things change... fuck change
so i guess im back to killing time...