(no subject)
you know youre right...i thought maybe it wasnt true but it is... there isnt a day that goes by where i can actually say it was all good. because something always fucks it up and things only get fucked up because of ME.
i was in a fine mood and then ALL of a sudden im upset/angry for no reason. or a stupid worry or obsession turns into a disaster and can ruin my entire day/night. its especially the nights that get so messed up. its like im drifting in this false reality, the tiredness, the emotions from the day resting on my shoulders, the want to sleep but inability. the restlessness.
im in a lot of pain all the time
i ache. i feel. i hear. i see it all.
everythings new, yet nothing is new. how the fuck does that work?
i love and i hate simultaneously. my entire being is one massive oxymoron. and im just a moron.
i question everything. why cant i just shut off this contraption that sits between my ears that is always hot and running and seems to control my heart and everything else in the wrong way.
what does it all mean? why does anything matter. i dont think ill ever find answers, but do i even want them?
look at this..im so fucking selfish. this is all about me. i dont seem to care about anyone else..maybe thats true..but id like to believe that these feelings are a result of how much i care about others...
i dont know if i want to get better. i dont think im ok with being ok.