(no subject)
Whats wrong with me? I gazed into the mirror.. and the reflection staring back out at me. My eyes how they we're laced with sadness.. confusion.. what was it I was so desperately seeking.. what was it that was slowly killing me.. my thoughts ran to where they always have.. back to ...., back to comfort.. comfort that I found and lost almost all at once.. I felt worthless, like I wasnt good enough for anyone.. like something was horribly wrong with me.. making me unworthy of even the shittest people. I think constantly everyone is wanting me to fail, every step I make toward sucess I feel is going to be trambled on by the jealously of someone.. I gave up so many chances at love for what? fucking nothing. The closest thing to love I've had lately is sex.. pointless sex.. with someone who doesnt even really care about me. Yea I do it just to feel something just to feel needed, and no I'm not desperate enough to through myself and fuck everyone. Still. No matter what anyone says.. I dont think sex should be something pointless "just to get off".. it should hold some meaning.. its the most intimate you can get with a person when it comes down to it.. why should it hold no importance.
Why do I have this obession with love? Always searching for it.. always needing it... always missing it. I see now I'm never gonna find it unless I find it within myself.. and I dont think I really love myself the way I should.. how can I think I love myself when I never feel good enough. You can say I've had some fucked up relationships.. and you can say I've done some shitty things also.. when it comes down to it, I've been as bad as the boys I hate.. everything that has happened in the past six months has taken a toll on me. A horrible toll. Here is the price for everything: me and myself
I just want to be alone. No matter how bad I feel I need someone to hold me every night I sleep. I know deep down, it's not who I really am. Its simply what I've become. And I'll get back to me. Someway. Somehow. I've taken the first steps toward, and a few steps back. I'll get there.
somehow..
Why do I have this obession with love? Always searching for it.. always needing it... always missing it. I see now I'm never gonna find it unless I find it within myself.. and I dont think I really love myself the way I should.. how can I think I love myself when I never feel good enough. You can say I've had some fucked up relationships.. and you can say I've done some shitty things also.. when it comes down to it, I've been as bad as the boys I hate.. everything that has happened in the past six months has taken a toll on me. A horrible toll. Here is the price for everything: me and myself
I just want to be alone. No matter how bad I feel I need someone to hold me every night I sleep. I know deep down, it's not who I really am. Its simply what I've become. And I'll get back to me. Someway. Somehow. I've taken the first steps toward, and a few steps back. I'll get there.
somehow..