Life hurts sometimes
So, i've come to the realization that i'm mourning the loss of my mother (she's still alive mind you). I haven't spoken to her in months, i believe it was September or October since we last spoke. This time feels different than all the other times where we stopped speaking for a couple months. Whereas, i have the desire to pick up the phone and call her, yet i have not done so. I think i miss more of the idea of her, than her. That's so sad and terrible to say, but i can't help but feel its true. I watch these shows where people interact with their parents and i get all sad and depressed that my mom is no longer a part of my life, but then i have to remind myself that even if she were, i would not be one of those happy smiling people on tv. I would have to deal with the constant guilt of how she's paying her bills, getting food or medical attention. To worry that she's going to kill herself because the depression will finally do her in, or that she has another life threatening health condition the she's keeping from me. I think ahead to my wedding day, and know that deep down she won't even be happy for me, because she'll be too consumed by her own bitterness to see past it. When i spoke to her of everyone going on a cruise for my wedding (a hypothetical wedding), she wanted nothing to do with it, and was adamantly against it. She couldn't even be a good sport and support me in the type of wedding i wanted at the time, what would make me think that she could handle hearing me talk about all the arrangements and sometimes the cost of things without being jealous or bitter. I'm on the fence in some ways, sometimes i wonder if i'll regret it down the road, not talking to her anymore.
I worry that someday when i have children i may be making a grave mistake in not letting them know her, but i don't know that i want my children exposed to someone in such a dark place. I mean granted the few times i've seen her interact with kids she's been great, but i don't think i could ever let my child stay with her overnight. At least not where she lives now, and not if she's going to continue to smoke, i don't want my child in that kind of environment.
I think about how every time we actually have an in-depth conversation all she does is make me feel like shit about myself and the decisions i've have made in my life, from the minute i moved in with my father she's held a grudge against me. Even brings it up from time to time how my moving out broke her heart. She gives me a huge guilt trip about how i'm a terrible daughter and i wasn't there for her while she was sick, and she's right. There would be times i'd call to check on her and she would literally hang up on me, the medicine she was on was making her so angry and mean, who would want to be around that? Why would i take the chance of making the hour drive to see her if all she's going to do is slam the door in my face and tell me to go home? I know that would happen, she did it to my brother.
I don't believe that we have to take this crap from people just because we're related, there is nothing saying that i have to take care of my mother while she cusses up and down at me and calls me names and tells me i'm a failure. Give me one good reason why i would want someone like that in my life?
I think i've finally made the decision, that she's no longer going to be a part of my life, now i have to live with it. I don't think it's going to be easy by any means, this will be my first holiday season without her and it's already taking a toll on me. I just have to try and keep my chin up and keep reminding myself of the reasons i'm making this decision. The fact that this is even something i've thought about, that i have to make a decision about speaks volumes on it's own. So forgive me if i seem distant or lost, because i have a lot on my mind i feel like a little girl wandering through the woods without even any breadcrumbs to help find my way. The way towards what is the important part. I think it's leaving behind a huge chapter of my life that i would like to seal away and try to move on from, to try and heal the proverbial wounds that hurt me daily. I just hope that i have the strength to go through with this, and if not then maybe the time apart will give both of us new perspective on our relationship. Though i'm not banking on it, i've had my hopes crushed too many times by her, i'll still never forget that she missed seeing me at prom... i spent the first 10 minutes of prom sobbing because my mom didn't show up at hines to take pictures of us with all the rest of the parents. I know that sounds silly and its not like i haven't let her down either. It's funny the things that you remember about the people that are supposed to love you the most and be there for you through everything.
I remember not being able to have the things other kids had because we couldn't afford it. I remember having to stand in line for hours with my mom to get food stamps, and hours in line at welfare filling out paperwork to be eligible to get the food stamps. I remember the numerous times we had to go to active faith, where they let us pick out canned food and other dry good items so that we had enough food to eat, because we were one of "those" families. At Christmas we had some guy dressed as santa bring us boxes of clothes that other people had donated because we couldn't afford to buy them. I got made fun of at school because we lived in a trailer park and didn't have much money, my clothes were old and out of date, i got made fun of because we got reduced lunch and only poor kids got that. I remember feeling all alone because my brother would lock himself in his room and play his card games and paint his statues and not give a damn about anything i had to say. Every time i tried to talk to him all i would get is so what? She gave away my favorite kitten in a litter that our cat had, i don't know that i ever forgave her for that, the people that took him were mean to him and caused him to have a heart attack.
I remember a few good times, building igloos in the front yard with colored water that my mom gave us in ketchup bottles. I remember planting a garden with her and taking walks around the cemetery, and staying outside on the porch with her reading. As we got older those nights turned into her drinking nights where she would go to escape and be alone.
I know that she made a lot of mistakes when she was younger, and lord knows she's paying for them still, but are we supposed to pay for her mistakes as well? I think at some point she stopped trying to better her life and started only trying to hang on.
I know a lot of this doesn't make much sense, i'm hoping to post more on the subject as i go along in hopes of clearing things up in my head and trying to gain a sense of understanding so i can move on with this part of my life.
I worry that someday when i have children i may be making a grave mistake in not letting them know her, but i don't know that i want my children exposed to someone in such a dark place. I mean granted the few times i've seen her interact with kids she's been great, but i don't think i could ever let my child stay with her overnight. At least not where she lives now, and not if she's going to continue to smoke, i don't want my child in that kind of environment.
I think about how every time we actually have an in-depth conversation all she does is make me feel like shit about myself and the decisions i've have made in my life, from the minute i moved in with my father she's held a grudge against me. Even brings it up from time to time how my moving out broke her heart. She gives me a huge guilt trip about how i'm a terrible daughter and i wasn't there for her while she was sick, and she's right. There would be times i'd call to check on her and she would literally hang up on me, the medicine she was on was making her so angry and mean, who would want to be around that? Why would i take the chance of making the hour drive to see her if all she's going to do is slam the door in my face and tell me to go home? I know that would happen, she did it to my brother.
I don't believe that we have to take this crap from people just because we're related, there is nothing saying that i have to take care of my mother while she cusses up and down at me and calls me names and tells me i'm a failure. Give me one good reason why i would want someone like that in my life?
I think i've finally made the decision, that she's no longer going to be a part of my life, now i have to live with it. I don't think it's going to be easy by any means, this will be my first holiday season without her and it's already taking a toll on me. I just have to try and keep my chin up and keep reminding myself of the reasons i'm making this decision. The fact that this is even something i've thought about, that i have to make a decision about speaks volumes on it's own. So forgive me if i seem distant or lost, because i have a lot on my mind i feel like a little girl wandering through the woods without even any breadcrumbs to help find my way. The way towards what is the important part. I think it's leaving behind a huge chapter of my life that i would like to seal away and try to move on from, to try and heal the proverbial wounds that hurt me daily. I just hope that i have the strength to go through with this, and if not then maybe the time apart will give both of us new perspective on our relationship. Though i'm not banking on it, i've had my hopes crushed too many times by her, i'll still never forget that she missed seeing me at prom... i spent the first 10 minutes of prom sobbing because my mom didn't show up at hines to take pictures of us with all the rest of the parents. I know that sounds silly and its not like i haven't let her down either. It's funny the things that you remember about the people that are supposed to love you the most and be there for you through everything.
I remember not being able to have the things other kids had because we couldn't afford it. I remember having to stand in line for hours with my mom to get food stamps, and hours in line at welfare filling out paperwork to be eligible to get the food stamps. I remember the numerous times we had to go to active faith, where they let us pick out canned food and other dry good items so that we had enough food to eat, because we were one of "those" families. At Christmas we had some guy dressed as santa bring us boxes of clothes that other people had donated because we couldn't afford to buy them. I got made fun of at school because we lived in a trailer park and didn't have much money, my clothes were old and out of date, i got made fun of because we got reduced lunch and only poor kids got that. I remember feeling all alone because my brother would lock himself in his room and play his card games and paint his statues and not give a damn about anything i had to say. Every time i tried to talk to him all i would get is so what? She gave away my favorite kitten in a litter that our cat had, i don't know that i ever forgave her for that, the people that took him were mean to him and caused him to have a heart attack.
I remember a few good times, building igloos in the front yard with colored water that my mom gave us in ketchup bottles. I remember planting a garden with her and taking walks around the cemetery, and staying outside on the porch with her reading. As we got older those nights turned into her drinking nights where she would go to escape and be alone.
I know that she made a lot of mistakes when she was younger, and lord knows she's paying for them still, but are we supposed to pay for her mistakes as well? I think at some point she stopped trying to better her life and started only trying to hang on.
I know a lot of this doesn't make much sense, i'm hoping to post more on the subject as i go along in hopes of clearing things up in my head and trying to gain a sense of understanding so i can move on with this part of my life.