Why won't he let me love him?

[slackerchick]

So, i think Ryan and i got in a fight (?) because i'm sick. my body is still numb, today was a particularly bad day, although it hasn't been like this in quite some time which is definitely a good thing. anyways, "I" think it's because it scares him and for whatever reason he can't show me that he's worried/cares about me. I also was leaving the library today on my way to the chiropractor and somehow managed to step in a dip and fall face forward, scraped both my knees and arms fairly badly, twisted a toe and managed to fall out of my shoe and step on it. Needless to say i'm in a fair bit of pain from the whole ordeal, yet i get chastised for making references to being in pain and falling today. WTF... then we're kind of getting all kissy and working our way towards *ahem* other things,w hen he's kissing biting my back and i tell him i can't really feel it (due to the numbness) he immediately stops tells me i'm messed up, and that's the end of that, which leads to another one of our one way conversations of him getting upset, crying and not being able to tell me what's wrong or why he's upset... how long am i supposed to go on with allowing him to not let me in?. he's the one that makes a point out of the fact that i come from a family that doesn't communicate very well and expects me to be open and honest with him, yet he can't/won't extend the same courtesy to me, and when i try to hold him and kiss him when he's upset he tells me i'm smothering him, (that's if he lets me touch him in the first place). Mind you this scenario doesn't happen very often, but when it does how am i not supposed to feel like our relationship is a sham? All i know is this outer shell of him, how am i supposed to get to the gooey center if i can never break through the shell??? When i ask of ways to try and break through the shell all i get are comments like you must not know how to talk to me or bladdy bladdy... i mean seriously and then he suggests talking to him when he's not upset, only if he's not upset he wouldn't even have a clue as to what to talk about or what could possibly be making him upset as he buries the pain way down far and can't even get a grip on it if he wants to.
It's late, i'm tired, upset and oh yeah in pain (oooh i mentioned it twice in one post!).. i've probably managed to mangle half of this freaking scenario, but oh well.. such is life...