(no subject)
Another morning. I don’t feel like I have much to say, but I’ll try to get it out anyway. Maybe I should wait until coffee time. I could make my own pot, in fact, I should make my own pot, but I don’t want to. I want to go out for coffee. I like going out for coffee. Is the economy that bad? The last time I remember it being bad was after September 11 and before that was the late 1990s. But it didn’t seem that bad. This time, they’re talking about it like it’s the worst. Headlines read, “Worst Economic Challenge since Great Depression”. That’s kind of a big deal. But are we just flirting around the edges of this “worst ever”? Because I still see people going out, and shopping and all that stuff. There aren’t soup lines for average Americans or regular guys fighting over shifts at the docks. So how bad is it really? Am I going to get a job? I don’t know. I seem to have plenty to say, but I want it to be more focused, but who do I think I am? I think I can wake up at 4:00 AM, no coffee, after drinking a bottle of wine the night previous, and start writing the great American novel? How about some realistic expectations. I’m doing fine. I think I might wait for coffee for other thoughts on life. I suppose I’ll do dishes instead. That was another great part of vacation. No dishes. The good life. But of course if we were that rich, I might wish I could be normal and “do dishes”. Isn’t that the funny part about life?
I’m back with my coffee. I began to think about the fact that I haven’t a clue what the future holds for me. I want to know what I should be doing. Isn’t that the mystery that plagues many of us? Some of our brothers and sisters, and I have not yet decided whether or not to count them among the lucky, do not trouble themselves with the greater questions of what, or even more furrowing, why. They just do whatever comes. Plumber, real estate agent, hair stylist, whatever comes along to pay the bills. Working for the weekend. I also think that we like to believe that the “professionals” like doctors and lawyers, answer to some higher calling, but I suspect that they too may have drifted into their “chosen” careers. They were just fortunate enough to have the talent, resources, or societal pressure to push them in a direction. But not me. I’m not necessarily happy where I’m at. I like what I do, or more apt, I like where I do it. I enjoy food and beverages, being around it, and communing with others in the form of conversation, performance, and hosting. But it isn’t quite enough anymore. I want more.
So on my walk home from Peet’s Coffee House, here in Sacramento on this lovely 5:00 AM morning, I began to ponder the “where should I be?” question that perhaps the more or less providential among us asks from time to time. Some of us more than less. Is more, more blessed? The jury is still deliberating. Anyway, I know, heavy stuff for an morning when even the sun hasn’t cracked an eyelid. But I started remembering a quote that my dear friend Aaron used always say. I remember he would say, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any way will do.” He always credited Song of the South. That was almost twenty years ago. It always stuck with me. So as I was repeating this mantra, “if you don’t know where you’re going…” It seemed topical to me. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m not sold on it. You can lose yourself if you don’t look at the road you’re on. I googled it. But it did not come up. That is not to say that Song of the South did not contain that line. But Alice in Wonderland, at least the Lewis Carroll version, contained the quote, “If you don’t know where you are going, and road will get you there.” That seems far more apt. Any road will get you lost if you do not know your destination. But of course on the same page read, from Lord of the Rings, “Not all those who wander are lost.” I like that. But while one thought implies fate, (Tolkien) the other is more determinist (Carroll) There is comfort in fate, isn’t there? If I continue to wander, but crave adventure and importance, if it was meant to be, the ethereal Ring will eventually fall into my hands, or I will at least play some vital role in the affairs of man. Whereas the other idea, the more deterministic one, says you can wander purposelessly, and you will wind up somewhere, but who knows where that will be? There may be some important and satisfying journey down that road, there may be a double-wide trailer down by the river. Who knows? Which is the big gamble. But it’s always a gamble, but wouldn’t you want to improve your odds.
I write because I have to. I never really got that before. If fact, that idea put an enormous amount of pressure on me before. I always wanted to be a writer, even before I knew I wanted to be a writer. Then I thought I wanted to be a writer, but was afraid I didn’t have anything to say. I’d hear that thought, “You must write because you have a burning passion to, not because you want to, but because you have to.” Jesus. Talk about pressure. You have to? I didn’t feel like there was passion to do anything at all. And yet I’ve always known I was passionate. Yes I write, even if it’ only in livejournal.com. And I feel better when I do it. But can I make enough money for Lesley and I doing it? Do I have the passion to do something else? Where should I be? Am I wandering? Or am I lost?