fic: A Rope of Sand
Title: A Rope of Sand
Author: slacker_d
Fandom: Clone High/glee
Pairing/Characters: Rachel/Quinn, Quinn/Finn, slight Puck/Quinn, one sided Rachel/Finn, Mike, Will, Sue, Matt
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It’s the first day of school at Clone High
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: 9,300
Spoilers: None for glee, minor for Clone High pilot
A/N: Does anyone remember this ridiculous cartoon? If you do, then you know what to expect from this fic. If not, I’m sorry in advance. See below the cut for more background info.
2nd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
I feel like the theme for Clone High by Abandoned Pools says it all:
Way, way back in the 1980's
Secret government employees
Dug up famous guys and ladies
And made amusing genetic copies
Now their clones are sexy teens
Now they're going to make it if they tried
Loving, learning, sharing, judging
Time to laugh, and shiver and cry
So I cast Finn as Abe Lincoln, Rachel as Joan of Arc, Mike as Gandhi, Quinn as Cleopatra, Puck as JFK, Will as Principal Scudsworth, Sue as the spokesperson for the Board of Shadowy Figures and Matt as Genghis Khan. In smaller roles we have Brittany as Marilyn Monroe, Kurt as Van Gogh, Ken as Mr. Sheepman, Artie as George Washington Carver, and Santana as Catherine the Great.
Also, Clone High was a cartoon, so remember cartoon rules apply here.
…
Tonight on a very special Clone High…
It’s the first day of school and Finn Abe Lincoln is walking to school with his best friend, Mike Gandhi.
“You know what, Mike?” Finn says. “This year is gonna be different. I feel it. I’ve finally had my growth spurt, my facial hair is really coming in…”
“I spent all summer working on my high fives and dance moves,” Mike tells Finn. “This year, I’ll finally have the acceptance I so crave.” Mike turns and sees Rachel of Arc walking up to them. “Up high, Rach,” he says holding up his right hand.
Rachel just walks right by. “Don’t touch me, Mike.”
“Too slow,” Mike replies as he hurries to catch up with them.
“Welcome back, Rachel,” Finn says.
“You got breasts,” Mike says, eyes locked firmly on her chest.
“Jeez, Finn, you got tall,” Rachel says, ignoring Mike.
“You got, like a pair of breasts,” Mike continues.
“Luckily,” Finn replies. “The extra height doesn’t feel so awkwa-” Finn is cut off when he slams his head into a tall tree branch. “I’m up.”
“It would’ve been nice to see you over the summer,” Rachel says. “But I was at camp.”
“Was it breast camp?” Mike asks.
“Okay, you get one more,” Rachel tells him.
They finally reach Clone High.
Finn sighs. “New school year. Same old faces.”
The three of them look around seeing the usual suspects. There’s John F. “Puck” Kennedy flirting with Marilyn “Brittany” Monroe. There’s “Kurt” Van Gogh looking pensive as always.
“Didn’t anyone change over the summer?” Rachel asks.
Mike just turns and locks his eyes on her chest again.
Rachel just punches him. He falls. “You were thinking it,” she tells him.
“I know,” he mumbles from the ground.
…
Inside, Rachel and Finn walk down the hallway.
“You know, Finn, I’ve been thinking,” Rachel says. “I’m gonna date a lot more this year.”
She’s already lost his attention as Cleo “Quinn” patra walks by.
“Yeah, I want to date Quinn,” Finn replies. “She’s attractive, smart, good looking, athletic, she’s hot, photogenic, takes pride in her appearance. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I admire her commitment to community service.”
“You don’t think that dating an old friend would be better?” Rachel asks. “Maybe someone who, you know, you take for granted?”
“Naw, I like Quinn.”
“But just think about it Finn,” Rachel continues. “An old friend-”
“Nope. Quinn. Only Quinn.”
Rachel sighs as Quinn approaches Finn.
“Hi Finn. Is that facial hair, I see?” Quinn asks.
All Finn can manage is choked gasps and smile. Rachel walks away in disgust as Mike saunters over to Quinn.
“Quinn, what up?” Mike says, hand ready for a high five.
“Do I know you?” Quinn asks.
“Mike. We had every class together last year.”
Nothing.
“I gave you one of my kidneys,” he continues, raising his shirt to show the scar.
Still nothing.
“I was your foster brother for ten years until you convinced our parents I wasn’t good for your image and had me transferred to another home.”
“Richard?” Quinn questions.
“Mike.”
“How great for you,” Quinn replies before turning back to Finn. “So listen, Finn, Puck’s having a party Friday night. I hope I see you there.” Grinning at him, she leaves him leaning against a wall.
“Hey Quinn,” Finn says finally. “Why yes, this is facial hair.”
Mike just glares at him.
…
“Now I know how awkward the first day of school can be,” Mr. Ken Sheepman says during homeroom. “I just want you to know, I can relate, as the first mostly human clone, spliced in a little sheep DNA. Which is fine with me.” He begins brushing lint off his wool suit.
“You can’t even tell, Mr. Sheepman,” Finn says.
“Thank you,” Ken says after he finishes chewing on his desk. “Now before you leave we have an announcement from Ms. Of Arc.”
Rachel stands and walks to the front of the classroom. She stands next to Mr. Sheepman and faces her peers.
“Now I know I don’t have to tell you how committed I am to community service,” she tells them. “That’s why I’m starting a teen crisis hotline. And we’re looking for volunteers.”
The classroom clears in record time.
…
From his office Dr. Will Scudsworth watches his student clones.
“Oh you young, unsuspecting clones. Little do they know that I control everything; the greatest minds the world as ever known. Because what is more powerful than a high school principal,” he cackles. His laughter is so boisterous, it almost knocks the paper pirate hat off his head.
“Will,” a voice calls from the shadows. “Sorry to disturb you, but there’s growing concern from the Secret Board of Shadowy figures that you may be completely insane.”
“Blasphemy!” Will quietly removes his hat and sets it in the “Pirate Hat” drawer with the others.
Colonel Sue Sylvester steps slightly out of the shadows to continue her confrontation.
“Yes, well you do have a robot butler named Mr. Butlertron,” she tells him.
A small 3 foot tall robot with 3 thin legs attached to wheels and wearing a bright red sweater vest and a navy blue bow tie enters. “Would anyone care for some scones?” he asks.
Will takes a scone. “Why creating a mechanical British servant is no more eccentric than that tie you’re wearing.”
Sue just stares at him since she’s not wearing a tie.
“Your tea, Wesley,” Mr. Butlertron says, holding up a tea cup.
“He calls everyone Wesley,” Will explains. “Don’t know why.”
“Yes, isn’t that fascinating?” Sue replies. “But we’re paying you to monitor these clones as closely as possible. So if you want to keep your job, you can either write a report saying you understand what it’s like to be a student at Clone High-”
“I’ll do no such thing,” Will interrupts.
“Or I’ll have to kill you,” Sue continues.
Will quickly sits down at his computer and begins to type. “I’ll title it, What It’s Like to Be a Teenaged Clone, colon, A Rope of Sand.”
“Good title,” Mr. Butlertron says. “It draws the reader in without giving too much away. Wesley.”
…
Finn is in the bathroom washing his hands when John F. “Puck” Kennedy storms in
“Lincoln,” he says. “I’ve got dibs on Quinn, so back off.”
Finn turns to face Puck.
“She’s number one and two on my list of 150 woman to bang this year,” Puck tells him.
The door swings open and Mike slides in.
“How’s it going Finn? Whatcha doing? Making a Lincoln log?” Mike high fives himself. “What up Puck? Party at your place, Friday? Hot.”
“Yeah, psyched for the rager, Puck,” Finn says.
“I will see you there,” Puck says. “And by will, I mean won’t.” He exits laughing. And then reenters. “Cause you’re not invited. I’m not sure if I was clear earlier. So you’re not. Invited that is.” And Puck exits again. “To my party,” he says, entering again and then slipping out. He enters one more time. “Forgot to wash my hands,” he tells them heading over to a sink.
…
After school finds most of the clones hanging out at The Grassy Knoll diner. Finn, Mike and Rachel all sit at one booth while Finn watches Quinn and Puck flirt at a nearby table.
“I have to get to that party,” Finn says.
“Dude, give it up,” Mike says. “We’re never going to get invited, sitting here, surrounded by geeks.”
“They’re not geeks, Mike,” Rachel says. “They’re just delightfully eccentric.”
“Hello there,” Artie Washington Carver says popping up from the booth behind them. “It is I. And I spent my summer bioengineering this antropomorphic peanut,” he tells them, holding up a jar with a peanut inside. The peanut has arms and legs, eyes and a mouth and is wearing a bowler hat.
“Hullo there, governor,” the peanut says. “I’d shake your hand, but you know, peanut arms.” He waves instead.
“Fine,” Rachel allows. “They’re geeks. But we have better things to do than worry about our image.”
“No,” Finn says, standing. “Mike’s right. This isn’t about who we hang with. This is about not having to put your hand on your own butt and pretending it’s a woman’s breast.”
Mike and Rachel just stare at him.
“All I’m saying,” Finn continues. “Is a girl is interested in me and I’m not going to ignore it.”
Rachel stands. “Finn, I want you.”
“You want me to what?”
“Um…um…”
“Forgot what you’re going to say?” Finn asks. “Happens to me all the time. Well, I’m off.” He turns to walk away. Mike stops him for a moment with a glare. “What?”
Finn makes his way over to Quinn and Puck’s table.
“Kennedy,” he says. “I have a proposition for you.”
Puck stands. “Mark my words, Lincoln, you and your friends are not coming to that party.”
“I’ll bring the beer,” he tells him.
“Be there at eight,” Puck replies, dragging Quinn away. The blonde smiles at Finn as they exit.
“Booya!” Mike says, sliding up to Finn. “We are in! Any ideas on where we’re going to get beer?”
“Nope.”
…
Friday in gym class is the Presidential Fitness Challenge. Finn, Rachel and Mike stand off to the side watching their teacher torture other students during each task.
“I can’t believe we got Eleanor Roosevelt as a gym teacher,” Finn says.
“Yeah he’s great,” Rachel says. “You know, Finn, tonight I finally have a night off from the teen hot line, which is community service, so I figured we could like, car pool to Puck’s party to save gas or whatever.”
And suddenly Roosevelt is in their faces. “You like talking, Of Arc?” she shouts. “Well you can talk your tight little buns into Principal Scudsworth’s office.”
Rachel sighs and exits the gym.
Roosevelt watches her leave. “Oh yeah.”
Finn watches her go as Quinn comes up behind him.
“Hey, big guy,” she says. “I hear you’re getting the beer tonight. I’m so excited. I just love underage drinking.”
Finn just makes more choking gasps as she walks away.
“Okay,” Finn says to Mike. “How the hell am I going to get that beer?”
“Easy,” Mike replies. “Just tell them that they heard you wrong. You said, I’ll get the beards.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Yeah, but it would still be a pretty bitchin’ party.”
Finn glares as Mike smiles imagining it.
…
After school Finn, Mike and Genghis “Matt” Khan are standing in the parking lot of the International House of Beer.
“All right, buddy, when the clerk asks you if you’re over 21, say yes, okay?” Finn tells him.
Matt nods. He enters the store and grabs some beer. At the counter the clerk asks him, “You over 21?”
Matt looks at him for a moment and shakes his head.
…
Finn, Mike and Matt are now standing outside the Gas-n-Save-n-Guzzle-n-Such.
“Okay, he used a very tricky line of questioning,” Finn tells Matt. “Let’s practice again. Are you over 21?”
Matt nods. He enters the station and grabs some beer. At the counter, the clerk asks him, “You over 21?”
Matt shakes his head.
…
This time Finn and Mike make a sign saying, “I Am 21” and have Matt wear it. They come inside with him and help him pick out a keg. They make their way to the counter.
“So,” the clerk says. “I guess you’re 21.”
Matt nods and hands over a wad of cash. She accepts it and sticks it in the till and the three of them move towards the exit. But before they can leave, Matt turns and races back to the counter.
“I’m not 21,” he tells the clerk.
Finn sighs as Matt sets down the keg and receives his money in return.
…
Meanwhile, Rachel finds herself tied to a chair in Will’s office.
“Ms. Of Arc,” he begins. “I’m willing to overlook your little gym class disruption if you help me on a little report I’m working on.” His fingers hover over his keyboard. “Tell me your likes and dislikes.”
“Well,” Rachel begins. “I dislike being tied to a chair.”
“Good,” Will replies, typing. “I’ll use a big font, move the margins in and I’ll be home in time for Lee-no.”
“Hah,” Rachel scoffs. “You would like Leno.”
Defensive, Will stands up. “How dare you mock that big chinned everyman and his various African-American Band leaders. Perhaps you will learn some respect by spending the rest of the afternoon in my…death maze!”
He hits the button on his desk marked, Death Maze and Rachel is sucked up into a gigantic tube as he laughs maniacally.
“This is useless. What I need to do is interact with the clones in their natural environment. I will be Diane Fossey and they the gorillas. But where can I find the mist?”
Leaving his office, Will finds a flyer on the floor. He picks it up and reads it. Kegger at Puck’s tonight! Students only! “Hmmm,” he says.
…
Ken and Mike are manning the phones at the Teen Crisis Hotline when Rachel drops in from Will’s Death Maze.
“Death maze, huh?” Mike asks as Rachel brushes herself off and stands.
“I was in the maze once,” Ken says. “It was hot. Very hot. Actually I’m feeling kinda hot now. Think I’ll take my shirt off.” He pulls out a electric razor and shears off his stomach wool. “Ah, much better. Ready for the weekend.”
“Mike,” Rachel says. “I think it’s really great of you to man the hotline and skip Puck’s party tonight.
Mike stops himself from sneaking out the door. “Uh, sure, of course. Sure I buckled under the pressure of living up to the original Gandhi’s reputation and became a non-stop partying machine, but damnit, I still care. So Rachel, you can count on me.”
…
Hours later, Mike is still working the hotline…at Puck’s party.
“No, of course I’m not at a party,” he says into the phone. “It’s just like super busy at the hotline.” He puts his hand over the mic. “Woo hoo. Brittany, Tina, you two should totally make out.” He returns to his cell phone. “So you’re depressed.”
…
Meanwhile, Finn arrives with a keg.
“Hey, everyone, it’s Finn,” he calls out. No one reacts. “Hey, everyone, it’s a keg of beer.”
“Finn!”
…
Later, Finn and Mike are drinking beer on Puck’s deck.
“I thought you were working the hotline tonight,” Finn says.
“I am,” Mike tells him. “I just forwarded the calls to my cell phone.” He puts it back to his ear. “Look, I’ll talk to you when you can stop crying.” And hangs up.
“And you’re not worried about Rachel finding out and hurting you?”
Mike finishes his beer. “Oh, I’m so scared. I better jump of this deck in case she shows up-oh my god!” He stuffs his phone in his pocket and runs off.
Rachel struts over a moment later.
“Well congratulations, Finn, the people were clamoring for a way to make asses of themselves and you gave them the means to do it.”
“Not really,” Finn replies. “I could only get non alcoholic beer. They’re gonna be able to tell.”
They watch their classmates for a few minutes as they drink. People are already acting drunkishly stupid. Nostradamus strips and begins rolling around in the grass. Marie Currie is break dancing while Gene Kelley watches and beat boxes.
“You’ll be fine,” Rachel tells him.
“Rachel,” Finn says. “You ever like someone so much you’re worried you’ll say something stupid?”
“I have a rash on my back.”
…
Will and Mr. Butlertron approach Puck’s house. Will is dressed in baggy pants, an emo band t-shirt and a backwards baseball cap. Mr. Butlertron has added a gaudy gold chain to his outfit.
“Are you sure this is a good idea, Wesley?” Mr. Butlertron asks. “Won’t they be able to tell we’re not students?”
“You underestimate me, my metal friend,” Will replies.
He opens the door and strolls in. “What up, my fellow clones? Who’s ready to raise the roof? Raise it!”
No one says anything, so Will nudges Mr. Butlertron.
“Where are my bitches?” the robot says.
…
Feeling down, Rachel sits on a swing, not swinging. Mr. Butlertron approaches her.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“You wouldn’t understand, Mr. B,” she tells him.
“Maybe you should just tell Finn how you feel.”
“What good would that do?” she asks.
“Maybe he just thinks you don’t think he doesn’t want to not ruin the friendship.”
“You make it sound so simple. Maybe one of us just has to make the first move.”
“Maybe that someone is you,” Mr. Butlertron replies.
Rachel jumps off the swing. “Thanks, Mr. B,” she says hugging him. “I love you.”
“Don’t mention it, Wesley.”
…
“You know, Finn,” Quinn says. “Maybe it’s the beer talking…”
“I doubt it.”
Quinn finishes her beer. “I always saw you as this honest guy. Boring. But now, I see you as this cool guy that just happens to be honest. It blows my mind.”
“That’s me.”
“Oh Finn, it’s like there’s a tin can phone from your brain to my heart.”
Quinn wraps her arms around him and pulls Finn closer. They lean in slowly and kiss.
Rachel walks up a moment later and gasps seeing the two of them locked together.
The gasp draws Puck’s attention away from Santana the Great, who he’s making out with on some lawn furniture. He looks over at Finn and Quinn. “That no good cheating slut,” he says.
He gets up and stalks over to Finn and Quinn.
“What the hell is going on?”
“Look Puck,” Finn says. “We kissed and I don’t want to overstate the importance of it, but we’re going to be together forever.”
“Oh please,” Puck replies. “She’s drunk. I heard she also kissed the talking peanut.”
“That’s different,” Finn says.
“So,” Puck addresses Quinn. “Who’s it going to be?”
“Quinn,” Finn says. “I care about you. And every moment we spend together makes me want to know you more.”
“Oh yeah, well, look at this.” Puck takes off his shirt and flexes.
“I don’t know how to choose. I need some time to be alone,” Quinn says before running off.
…
Rachel had wandered off upon seeing Finn and Quinn kissing. She meandered about the yard looking for a distraction.
Puck comes up to her and offers her a beer.
“Sure, maybe pretending to be drunk will ease the pain.”
They both sip in silence for a moment.
“So,” Puck starts, putting his arm around Rachel. “Are you drunk enough yet to sleep with me?”
She kicks him in the knee, sending him to the ground.
“Answer the question,” he says from the ground.
Rachel walks away, finishing her non alcoholic beer.
…
Will finds himself hanging upside down and being treated like a piñata by Matt. He’s even wearing a blindfold as he attempts to hit a swinging Will.
“I’m not a piñata,” Will tells Matt. “It’s me your loveable school chum, Cloney McStudent.”
“Piñata,” Matt says managing a hit, despite his blindfold.
…
There’s no one on the front porch, so Rachel sits on the steps and stares into the street. Even though Finn didn’t seem to notice her, she’d still figured she had more of a chance with him than he did with Quinn. But apparently she was wrong.
The front door opens and shuts and someone sits down on the steps.
“Oh, it’s you.”
Rachel looks over to find Quinn sitting next to her.
“I was here first, so I’m not moving.”
“I don’t care what you do, Arc. Just don’t talk to me,” Quinn snaps. She’s drinking from an actual liquor bottle. “I stole it from Puck’s parents liquor cabinet,” she says when she sees Rachel eying it. And then in a strange moment of niceness she says, “Want some?”
Rachel accepts the bottle and takes several swallows. It tastes awful, like unflavored cough syrup or gasoline. She hands it back.
They pass it back and forth until it’s empty. Neither speaks. Rachel doesn’t even want to contemplate why Quinn’s out here with her and not in back making out with Finn.
It doesn’t take long for Rachel to feel drunk. But all it really does is make her feel more depressed. Plus how is she getting home now? She’s in no state to drive. She curses her stereotypical teenage behavior. She thought she was above all that.
…
Quinn’s been gone for quite a while now, so Finn goes off in search of her. He tries looking by the keg, on the porch and even by the old swing way off in the corner. He finally tries the front yard, only to frozen in place by the sight of Quinn and Rachel wrapped up together, kissing.
“Oh my god!”
They jump apart as if on fire.
“What the hell is going on?” Finn shouts.
Rachel shrugs, attempting nonchalance. “We’re drunk. It just sort of happened.”
“How could that just happen? And how can you be drunk? I told you it’s non-alcoholic beer.”
“It’s non alcoholic?” Quinn shrieks. “You mean I made out with this…thing, sober? God, I have to get out of here.” She starts to head to the backyard, but turns. “Pathetic, Finn. Guess I was wrong about you.” And then she stalks off.
“Rachel, how could you?” Finn asks.
“Rach,” Mike says, suddenly appearing. “Saw the show. Your hotness factor just like tripled. Never would have thought you’d be the one to dabble with the ladies. Up top.” He raises his hand for a high five.
“I gotta get out of here,” Rachel says. She pushes past them.
“What just happened?” Finn asks Mike.
“I don’t know, but I gotta say this must be some great beer.”
“It’s non alcoholic, dude.”
Mike can only stare at him for a long minute. “Non alcoholic? So I’m not really drunk?”
“Probably not.”
Mike sighs. “Told you, you should’ve brought beards. That would’ve been a kicking party.”
A minute later, Puck shows up, dragging Rachel with him. “You get to leave now, since you brought me, non alcoholic beer.” He pushes Rachel towards them and stomps back around the house, muttering. “Can’t even trust nerds not to lie. What’s the world coming to?”
…
Monday morning, Will stumbles into his office looking like he went ten rounds with Diane Fossey’s gorillas and lost. Mr. Butlertron turns on the light to reveal Colonel Sylvester.
“Where’s my report?”
“Yipes,” Will gulps in surprise. “Colonel Sylvester, funny story. I was working on it and I tried to email it to myself, but it didn’t quite work out because my roommate-”
“That is a funny story,” the Colonel replies. “Mr. Butlertron, please lower the shades.” Sue cracks her knuckles. “So we can talk.”
“Okay, okay,” Will says. “I spent the entire weekend among the teenagers. I was humiliated, judged, degraded, I felt so alone.” Will curled into a fetal position remembering his weekend horrors. A moment later he looks up. “Where’d she go?”
“I guess you proved to her that you know what it’s like to be a teenager,” Mr. Butlertron answers. “And a piñata.”
“Excellent,” Will says. “Now I can continue with my diabolical plans for these little clones.”
“Good for you. Wesley.”
Author: slacker_d
Fandom: Clone High/glee
Pairing/Characters: Rachel/Quinn, Quinn/Finn, slight Puck/Quinn, one sided Rachel/Finn, Mike, Will, Sue, Matt
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It’s the first day of school at Clone High
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: 9,300
Spoilers: None for glee, minor for Clone High pilot
A/N: Does anyone remember this ridiculous cartoon? If you do, then you know what to expect from this fic. If not, I’m sorry in advance. See below the cut for more background info.
2nd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
I feel like the theme for Clone High by Abandoned Pools says it all:
Way, way back in the 1980's
Secret government employees
Dug up famous guys and ladies
And made amusing genetic copies
Now their clones are sexy teens
Now they're going to make it if they tried
Loving, learning, sharing, judging
Time to laugh, and shiver and cry
So I cast Finn as Abe Lincoln, Rachel as Joan of Arc, Mike as Gandhi, Quinn as Cleopatra, Puck as JFK, Will as Principal Scudsworth, Sue as the spokesperson for the Board of Shadowy Figures and Matt as Genghis Khan. In smaller roles we have Brittany as Marilyn Monroe, Kurt as Van Gogh, Ken as Mr. Sheepman, Artie as George Washington Carver, and Santana as Catherine the Great.
Also, Clone High was a cartoon, so remember cartoon rules apply here.
…
Tonight on a very special Clone High…
It’s the first day of school and Finn Abe Lincoln is walking to school with his best friend, Mike Gandhi.
“You know what, Mike?” Finn says. “This year is gonna be different. I feel it. I’ve finally had my growth spurt, my facial hair is really coming in…”
“I spent all summer working on my high fives and dance moves,” Mike tells Finn. “This year, I’ll finally have the acceptance I so crave.” Mike turns and sees Rachel of Arc walking up to them. “Up high, Rach,” he says holding up his right hand.
Rachel just walks right by. “Don’t touch me, Mike.”
“Too slow,” Mike replies as he hurries to catch up with them.
“Welcome back, Rachel,” Finn says.
“You got breasts,” Mike says, eyes locked firmly on her chest.
“Jeez, Finn, you got tall,” Rachel says, ignoring Mike.
“You got, like a pair of breasts,” Mike continues.
“Luckily,” Finn replies. “The extra height doesn’t feel so awkwa-” Finn is cut off when he slams his head into a tall tree branch. “I’m up.”
“It would’ve been nice to see you over the summer,” Rachel says. “But I was at camp.”
“Was it breast camp?” Mike asks.
“Okay, you get one more,” Rachel tells him.
They finally reach Clone High.
Finn sighs. “New school year. Same old faces.”
The three of them look around seeing the usual suspects. There’s John F. “Puck” Kennedy flirting with Marilyn “Brittany” Monroe. There’s “Kurt” Van Gogh looking pensive as always.
“Didn’t anyone change over the summer?” Rachel asks.
Mike just turns and locks his eyes on her chest again.
Rachel just punches him. He falls. “You were thinking it,” she tells him.
“I know,” he mumbles from the ground.
…
Inside, Rachel and Finn walk down the hallway.
“You know, Finn, I’ve been thinking,” Rachel says. “I’m gonna date a lot more this year.”
She’s already lost his attention as Cleo “Quinn” patra walks by.
“Yeah, I want to date Quinn,” Finn replies. “She’s attractive, smart, good looking, athletic, she’s hot, photogenic, takes pride in her appearance. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I admire her commitment to community service.”
“You don’t think that dating an old friend would be better?” Rachel asks. “Maybe someone who, you know, you take for granted?”
“Naw, I like Quinn.”
“But just think about it Finn,” Rachel continues. “An old friend-”
“Nope. Quinn. Only Quinn.”
Rachel sighs as Quinn approaches Finn.
“Hi Finn. Is that facial hair, I see?” Quinn asks.
All Finn can manage is choked gasps and smile. Rachel walks away in disgust as Mike saunters over to Quinn.
“Quinn, what up?” Mike says, hand ready for a high five.
“Do I know you?” Quinn asks.
“Mike. We had every class together last year.”
Nothing.
“I gave you one of my kidneys,” he continues, raising his shirt to show the scar.
Still nothing.
“I was your foster brother for ten years until you convinced our parents I wasn’t good for your image and had me transferred to another home.”
“Richard?” Quinn questions.
“Mike.”
“How great for you,” Quinn replies before turning back to Finn. “So listen, Finn, Puck’s having a party Friday night. I hope I see you there.” Grinning at him, she leaves him leaning against a wall.
“Hey Quinn,” Finn says finally. “Why yes, this is facial hair.”
Mike just glares at him.
…
“Now I know how awkward the first day of school can be,” Mr. Ken Sheepman says during homeroom. “I just want you to know, I can relate, as the first mostly human clone, spliced in a little sheep DNA. Which is fine with me.” He begins brushing lint off his wool suit.
“You can’t even tell, Mr. Sheepman,” Finn says.
“Thank you,” Ken says after he finishes chewing on his desk. “Now before you leave we have an announcement from Ms. Of Arc.”
Rachel stands and walks to the front of the classroom. She stands next to Mr. Sheepman and faces her peers.
“Now I know I don’t have to tell you how committed I am to community service,” she tells them. “That’s why I’m starting a teen crisis hotline. And we’re looking for volunteers.”
The classroom clears in record time.
…
From his office Dr. Will Scudsworth watches his student clones.
“Oh you young, unsuspecting clones. Little do they know that I control everything; the greatest minds the world as ever known. Because what is more powerful than a high school principal,” he cackles. His laughter is so boisterous, it almost knocks the paper pirate hat off his head.
“Will,” a voice calls from the shadows. “Sorry to disturb you, but there’s growing concern from the Secret Board of Shadowy figures that you may be completely insane.”
“Blasphemy!” Will quietly removes his hat and sets it in the “Pirate Hat” drawer with the others.
Colonel Sue Sylvester steps slightly out of the shadows to continue her confrontation.
“Yes, well you do have a robot butler named Mr. Butlertron,” she tells him.
A small 3 foot tall robot with 3 thin legs attached to wheels and wearing a bright red sweater vest and a navy blue bow tie enters. “Would anyone care for some scones?” he asks.
Will takes a scone. “Why creating a mechanical British servant is no more eccentric than that tie you’re wearing.”
Sue just stares at him since she’s not wearing a tie.
“Your tea, Wesley,” Mr. Butlertron says, holding up a tea cup.
“He calls everyone Wesley,” Will explains. “Don’t know why.”
“Yes, isn’t that fascinating?” Sue replies. “But we’re paying you to monitor these clones as closely as possible. So if you want to keep your job, you can either write a report saying you understand what it’s like to be a student at Clone High-”
“I’ll do no such thing,” Will interrupts.
“Or I’ll have to kill you,” Sue continues.
Will quickly sits down at his computer and begins to type. “I’ll title it, What It’s Like to Be a Teenaged Clone, colon, A Rope of Sand.”
“Good title,” Mr. Butlertron says. “It draws the reader in without giving too much away. Wesley.”
…
Finn is in the bathroom washing his hands when John F. “Puck” Kennedy storms in
“Lincoln,” he says. “I’ve got dibs on Quinn, so back off.”
Finn turns to face Puck.
“She’s number one and two on my list of 150 woman to bang this year,” Puck tells him.
The door swings open and Mike slides in.
“How’s it going Finn? Whatcha doing? Making a Lincoln log?” Mike high fives himself. “What up Puck? Party at your place, Friday? Hot.”
“Yeah, psyched for the rager, Puck,” Finn says.
“I will see you there,” Puck says. “And by will, I mean won’t.” He exits laughing. And then reenters. “Cause you’re not invited. I’m not sure if I was clear earlier. So you’re not. Invited that is.” And Puck exits again. “To my party,” he says, entering again and then slipping out. He enters one more time. “Forgot to wash my hands,” he tells them heading over to a sink.
…
After school finds most of the clones hanging out at The Grassy Knoll diner. Finn, Mike and Rachel all sit at one booth while Finn watches Quinn and Puck flirt at a nearby table.
“I have to get to that party,” Finn says.
“Dude, give it up,” Mike says. “We’re never going to get invited, sitting here, surrounded by geeks.”
“They’re not geeks, Mike,” Rachel says. “They’re just delightfully eccentric.”
“Hello there,” Artie Washington Carver says popping up from the booth behind them. “It is I. And I spent my summer bioengineering this antropomorphic peanut,” he tells them, holding up a jar with a peanut inside. The peanut has arms and legs, eyes and a mouth and is wearing a bowler hat.
“Hullo there, governor,” the peanut says. “I’d shake your hand, but you know, peanut arms.” He waves instead.
“Fine,” Rachel allows. “They’re geeks. But we have better things to do than worry about our image.”
“No,” Finn says, standing. “Mike’s right. This isn’t about who we hang with. This is about not having to put your hand on your own butt and pretending it’s a woman’s breast.”
Mike and Rachel just stare at him.
“All I’m saying,” Finn continues. “Is a girl is interested in me and I’m not going to ignore it.”
Rachel stands. “Finn, I want you.”
“You want me to what?”
“Um…um…”
“Forgot what you’re going to say?” Finn asks. “Happens to me all the time. Well, I’m off.” He turns to walk away. Mike stops him for a moment with a glare. “What?”
Finn makes his way over to Quinn and Puck’s table.
“Kennedy,” he says. “I have a proposition for you.”
Puck stands. “Mark my words, Lincoln, you and your friends are not coming to that party.”
“I’ll bring the beer,” he tells him.
“Be there at eight,” Puck replies, dragging Quinn away. The blonde smiles at Finn as they exit.
“Booya!” Mike says, sliding up to Finn. “We are in! Any ideas on where we’re going to get beer?”
“Nope.”
…
Friday in gym class is the Presidential Fitness Challenge. Finn, Rachel and Mike stand off to the side watching their teacher torture other students during each task.
“I can’t believe we got Eleanor Roosevelt as a gym teacher,” Finn says.
“Yeah he’s great,” Rachel says. “You know, Finn, tonight I finally have a night off from the teen hot line, which is community service, so I figured we could like, car pool to Puck’s party to save gas or whatever.”
And suddenly Roosevelt is in their faces. “You like talking, Of Arc?” she shouts. “Well you can talk your tight little buns into Principal Scudsworth’s office.”
Rachel sighs and exits the gym.
Roosevelt watches her leave. “Oh yeah.”
Finn watches her go as Quinn comes up behind him.
“Hey, big guy,” she says. “I hear you’re getting the beer tonight. I’m so excited. I just love underage drinking.”
Finn just makes more choking gasps as she walks away.
“Okay,” Finn says to Mike. “How the hell am I going to get that beer?”
“Easy,” Mike replies. “Just tell them that they heard you wrong. You said, I’ll get the beards.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Yeah, but it would still be a pretty bitchin’ party.”
Finn glares as Mike smiles imagining it.
…
After school Finn, Mike and Genghis “Matt” Khan are standing in the parking lot of the International House of Beer.
“All right, buddy, when the clerk asks you if you’re over 21, say yes, okay?” Finn tells him.
Matt nods. He enters the store and grabs some beer. At the counter the clerk asks him, “You over 21?”
Matt looks at him for a moment and shakes his head.
…
Finn, Mike and Matt are now standing outside the Gas-n-Save-n-Guzzle-n-Such.
“Okay, he used a very tricky line of questioning,” Finn tells Matt. “Let’s practice again. Are you over 21?”
Matt nods. He enters the station and grabs some beer. At the counter, the clerk asks him, “You over 21?”
Matt shakes his head.
…
This time Finn and Mike make a sign saying, “I Am 21” and have Matt wear it. They come inside with him and help him pick out a keg. They make their way to the counter.
“So,” the clerk says. “I guess you’re 21.”
Matt nods and hands over a wad of cash. She accepts it and sticks it in the till and the three of them move towards the exit. But before they can leave, Matt turns and races back to the counter.
“I’m not 21,” he tells the clerk.
Finn sighs as Matt sets down the keg and receives his money in return.
…
Meanwhile, Rachel finds herself tied to a chair in Will’s office.
“Ms. Of Arc,” he begins. “I’m willing to overlook your little gym class disruption if you help me on a little report I’m working on.” His fingers hover over his keyboard. “Tell me your likes and dislikes.”
“Well,” Rachel begins. “I dislike being tied to a chair.”
“Good,” Will replies, typing. “I’ll use a big font, move the margins in and I’ll be home in time for Lee-no.”
“Hah,” Rachel scoffs. “You would like Leno.”
Defensive, Will stands up. “How dare you mock that big chinned everyman and his various African-American Band leaders. Perhaps you will learn some respect by spending the rest of the afternoon in my…death maze!”
He hits the button on his desk marked, Death Maze and Rachel is sucked up into a gigantic tube as he laughs maniacally.
“This is useless. What I need to do is interact with the clones in their natural environment. I will be Diane Fossey and they the gorillas. But where can I find the mist?”
Leaving his office, Will finds a flyer on the floor. He picks it up and reads it. Kegger at Puck’s tonight! Students only! “Hmmm,” he says.
…
Ken and Mike are manning the phones at the Teen Crisis Hotline when Rachel drops in from Will’s Death Maze.
“Death maze, huh?” Mike asks as Rachel brushes herself off and stands.
“I was in the maze once,” Ken says. “It was hot. Very hot. Actually I’m feeling kinda hot now. Think I’ll take my shirt off.” He pulls out a electric razor and shears off his stomach wool. “Ah, much better. Ready for the weekend.”
“Mike,” Rachel says. “I think it’s really great of you to man the hotline and skip Puck’s party tonight.
Mike stops himself from sneaking out the door. “Uh, sure, of course. Sure I buckled under the pressure of living up to the original Gandhi’s reputation and became a non-stop partying machine, but damnit, I still care. So Rachel, you can count on me.”
…
Hours later, Mike is still working the hotline…at Puck’s party.
“No, of course I’m not at a party,” he says into the phone. “It’s just like super busy at the hotline.” He puts his hand over the mic. “Woo hoo. Brittany, Tina, you two should totally make out.” He returns to his cell phone. “So you’re depressed.”
…
Meanwhile, Finn arrives with a keg.
“Hey, everyone, it’s Finn,” he calls out. No one reacts. “Hey, everyone, it’s a keg of beer.”
“Finn!”
…
Later, Finn and Mike are drinking beer on Puck’s deck.
“I thought you were working the hotline tonight,” Finn says.
“I am,” Mike tells him. “I just forwarded the calls to my cell phone.” He puts it back to his ear. “Look, I’ll talk to you when you can stop crying.” And hangs up.
“And you’re not worried about Rachel finding out and hurting you?”
Mike finishes his beer. “Oh, I’m so scared. I better jump of this deck in case she shows up-oh my god!” He stuffs his phone in his pocket and runs off.
Rachel struts over a moment later.
“Well congratulations, Finn, the people were clamoring for a way to make asses of themselves and you gave them the means to do it.”
“Not really,” Finn replies. “I could only get non alcoholic beer. They’re gonna be able to tell.”
They watch their classmates for a few minutes as they drink. People are already acting drunkishly stupid. Nostradamus strips and begins rolling around in the grass. Marie Currie is break dancing while Gene Kelley watches and beat boxes.
“You’ll be fine,” Rachel tells him.
“Rachel,” Finn says. “You ever like someone so much you’re worried you’ll say something stupid?”
“I have a rash on my back.”
…
Will and Mr. Butlertron approach Puck’s house. Will is dressed in baggy pants, an emo band t-shirt and a backwards baseball cap. Mr. Butlertron has added a gaudy gold chain to his outfit.
“Are you sure this is a good idea, Wesley?” Mr. Butlertron asks. “Won’t they be able to tell we’re not students?”
“You underestimate me, my metal friend,” Will replies.
He opens the door and strolls in. “What up, my fellow clones? Who’s ready to raise the roof? Raise it!”
No one says anything, so Will nudges Mr. Butlertron.
“Where are my bitches?” the robot says.
…
Feeling down, Rachel sits on a swing, not swinging. Mr. Butlertron approaches her.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“You wouldn’t understand, Mr. B,” she tells him.
“Maybe you should just tell Finn how you feel.”
“What good would that do?” she asks.
“Maybe he just thinks you don’t think he doesn’t want to not ruin the friendship.”
“You make it sound so simple. Maybe one of us just has to make the first move.”
“Maybe that someone is you,” Mr. Butlertron replies.
Rachel jumps off the swing. “Thanks, Mr. B,” she says hugging him. “I love you.”
“Don’t mention it, Wesley.”
…
“You know, Finn,” Quinn says. “Maybe it’s the beer talking…”
“I doubt it.”
Quinn finishes her beer. “I always saw you as this honest guy. Boring. But now, I see you as this cool guy that just happens to be honest. It blows my mind.”
“That’s me.”
“Oh Finn, it’s like there’s a tin can phone from your brain to my heart.”
Quinn wraps her arms around him and pulls Finn closer. They lean in slowly and kiss.
Rachel walks up a moment later and gasps seeing the two of them locked together.
The gasp draws Puck’s attention away from Santana the Great, who he’s making out with on some lawn furniture. He looks over at Finn and Quinn. “That no good cheating slut,” he says.
He gets up and stalks over to Finn and Quinn.
“What the hell is going on?”
“Look Puck,” Finn says. “We kissed and I don’t want to overstate the importance of it, but we’re going to be together forever.”
“Oh please,” Puck replies. “She’s drunk. I heard she also kissed the talking peanut.”
“That’s different,” Finn says.
“So,” Puck addresses Quinn. “Who’s it going to be?”
“Quinn,” Finn says. “I care about you. And every moment we spend together makes me want to know you more.”
“Oh yeah, well, look at this.” Puck takes off his shirt and flexes.
“I don’t know how to choose. I need some time to be alone,” Quinn says before running off.
…
Rachel had wandered off upon seeing Finn and Quinn kissing. She meandered about the yard looking for a distraction.
Puck comes up to her and offers her a beer.
“Sure, maybe pretending to be drunk will ease the pain.”
They both sip in silence for a moment.
“So,” Puck starts, putting his arm around Rachel. “Are you drunk enough yet to sleep with me?”
She kicks him in the knee, sending him to the ground.
“Answer the question,” he says from the ground.
Rachel walks away, finishing her non alcoholic beer.
…
Will finds himself hanging upside down and being treated like a piñata by Matt. He’s even wearing a blindfold as he attempts to hit a swinging Will.
“I’m not a piñata,” Will tells Matt. “It’s me your loveable school chum, Cloney McStudent.”
“Piñata,” Matt says managing a hit, despite his blindfold.
…
There’s no one on the front porch, so Rachel sits on the steps and stares into the street. Even though Finn didn’t seem to notice her, she’d still figured she had more of a chance with him than he did with Quinn. But apparently she was wrong.
The front door opens and shuts and someone sits down on the steps.
“Oh, it’s you.”
Rachel looks over to find Quinn sitting next to her.
“I was here first, so I’m not moving.”
“I don’t care what you do, Arc. Just don’t talk to me,” Quinn snaps. She’s drinking from an actual liquor bottle. “I stole it from Puck’s parents liquor cabinet,” she says when she sees Rachel eying it. And then in a strange moment of niceness she says, “Want some?”
Rachel accepts the bottle and takes several swallows. It tastes awful, like unflavored cough syrup or gasoline. She hands it back.
They pass it back and forth until it’s empty. Neither speaks. Rachel doesn’t even want to contemplate why Quinn’s out here with her and not in back making out with Finn.
It doesn’t take long for Rachel to feel drunk. But all it really does is make her feel more depressed. Plus how is she getting home now? She’s in no state to drive. She curses her stereotypical teenage behavior. She thought she was above all that.
…
Quinn’s been gone for quite a while now, so Finn goes off in search of her. He tries looking by the keg, on the porch and even by the old swing way off in the corner. He finally tries the front yard, only to frozen in place by the sight of Quinn and Rachel wrapped up together, kissing.
“Oh my god!”
They jump apart as if on fire.
“What the hell is going on?” Finn shouts.
Rachel shrugs, attempting nonchalance. “We’re drunk. It just sort of happened.”
“How could that just happen? And how can you be drunk? I told you it’s non-alcoholic beer.”
“It’s non alcoholic?” Quinn shrieks. “You mean I made out with this…thing, sober? God, I have to get out of here.” She starts to head to the backyard, but turns. “Pathetic, Finn. Guess I was wrong about you.” And then she stalks off.
“Rachel, how could you?” Finn asks.
“Rach,” Mike says, suddenly appearing. “Saw the show. Your hotness factor just like tripled. Never would have thought you’d be the one to dabble with the ladies. Up top.” He raises his hand for a high five.
“I gotta get out of here,” Rachel says. She pushes past them.
“What just happened?” Finn asks Mike.
“I don’t know, but I gotta say this must be some great beer.”
“It’s non alcoholic, dude.”
Mike can only stare at him for a long minute. “Non alcoholic? So I’m not really drunk?”
“Probably not.”
Mike sighs. “Told you, you should’ve brought beards. That would’ve been a kicking party.”
A minute later, Puck shows up, dragging Rachel with him. “You get to leave now, since you brought me, non alcoholic beer.” He pushes Rachel towards them and stomps back around the house, muttering. “Can’t even trust nerds not to lie. What’s the world coming to?”
…
Monday morning, Will stumbles into his office looking like he went ten rounds with Diane Fossey’s gorillas and lost. Mr. Butlertron turns on the light to reveal Colonel Sylvester.
“Where’s my report?”
“Yipes,” Will gulps in surprise. “Colonel Sylvester, funny story. I was working on it and I tried to email it to myself, but it didn’t quite work out because my roommate-”
“That is a funny story,” the Colonel replies. “Mr. Butlertron, please lower the shades.” Sue cracks her knuckles. “So we can talk.”
“Okay, okay,” Will says. “I spent the entire weekend among the teenagers. I was humiliated, judged, degraded, I felt so alone.” Will curled into a fetal position remembering his weekend horrors. A moment later he looks up. “Where’d she go?”
“I guess you proved to her that you know what it’s like to be a teenager,” Mr. Butlertron answers. “And a piñata.”
“Excellent,” Will says. “Now I can continue with my diabolical plans for these little clones.”
“Good for you. Wesley.”