fic: A Cruel and Vengeful God
Title: A Cruel and Vengeful God
Author: slacker_d
Pairing/Characters: Rachel/Santana, Brittany/Marisa, Puck, Mike, Quinn, Kat, Figgins
Rating: PG-13
Summary: "I can't believe someone is stealing my prank ideas and ruining them."
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: ~4,230
Spoilers: previous stories
A/N: Follows Agree to Disagree
2nd A/N: Don't get used to this regular update schedule. It's only because I had no electricity yesterday and spent the day writing this out on a legal pad. Which probably says a lot about my productivity in relation to the amount of technology in the room, but that's a discussion for another day.
3rd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
series masterlist
The moment Rachel steps into McKinley Wednesday morning, she's pulled into Figgins' office.
"Ms. Berry," Figgins greets. "I think I may have overestimated you."
"All right."
"I thought you were an intelligent young woman," Figgins continues.
"And now you don't?" Rachel questions.
"I just don't understand why you would continue to pull pranks," Figgins tells her. "Coach Sylvester's... interference will be no help to you this time. I cannot let this go on without a much more severe punishment."
"Since I haven't pulled any pranks, I'm going to have to protest that," Rachel replies.
"You really expect me to believe that?"
"No," Rachel tells him. "So why don't you tell me about this prank that you think I've pulled."
"Not completely stupid then," Figgins says. "Apparently the diving board was removed and tossed into the swimming pool. It has "Save Me" spray painted on it."
"Well, that definitely wasn't me," Rachel says.
"And why should I believe you?"
"Because I pulled that prank last year and I don't repeat pranks."
Figgins is skeptical. "You don't?"
Rachel shakes her head. "Someone is trying to set me up."
"Surely you don't believe that Ms. Berry."
"Well then someone just wants to pull pranks, but can't think of their own," Rachel says. "Because I didn't do it, Principal Figgins."
Figgins studies Rachel for a few moments and she tries to continue her confident, yet innocent stare.
"I'll believe you for now, Ms. Berry," Figgins says. "But I'll be watching you."
"I am fully aware sir," Rachel says standing.
…
"I'm just appalled by the entire situation."
Santana watches in amusement as Rachel paces in front of her. She had just opened her locker, when Rachel grabbed her wrist and began dragging her down the hall. Thankfully, Santana was able to slam her locker door shut before being dragged into the choir room. Her girlfriend then sat her down and began to pace as she recounted her meeting with Figgins.
"At least he believed you," Santana says. "Sort of."
"That's not what I'm talking about," Rachel replies. "I can't believe someone is stealing my prank ideas and ruining them."
"How is the prank ruined?" Santana asks. "It's like one of the simplest ones you did."
"Yes," Rachel agrees. "Which is what makes it so appalling. I wrote, "I'm drowning" on the diving board. This pathetic substitute wrote, "Save me", which is completely different."
"Maybe it was a homage," Santana suggests.
"Then it was a horrible one," Rachel retorts. "I'm completely insulted."
"Babe, you don't think that you're taking this a little too seriously?"
"I take pride in everything I do, Santana," Rachel replies. "And this school is no longer allowed to... take a crap on my achievements."
"Fair enough," Santana says. "Do you want me to kick someone's ass?"
"Very tempting," Rachel replies. "But not yet."
…
Concerned that someone may be out to get Rachel, Santana seeks out Brittany. She pulls the blonde into the Cheerios’ locker room because it’s unlikely that they’ll be overheard.
“I think someone’s trying to screw over Rachy,” Brittany says before Santana can even begin.
Of course Brittany would already know.
“That’s what I was afraid of,” Santana replies.
“Why else would they be pulling pranks that Rachel’s already done?”
“Because they’re too stupid to think of their own?” Santana offers.
“Well that is a definite possibility,” Brittany agrees. “We’re doing something about this, right?”
Santana nods. “Though you might have to be the information gatherer. For some reason, people are reluctant to talk to me.”
“I don’t mind,” Brittany replies. “Anything for Rachel.”
…
To Santana's dismay, she hears all sorts of craziness about the so called copycat; what's surprisingly is that everyone seems to know it wasn't Rachel. Santana supposes she shouldn't be so surprised that her classmates know better than the administration.
"Do you think it's a wanna be or someone trying to fuck with my bro?" Puck asks Santana in second period.
"Probably someone going after Rach," Santana replies.
"I'm so kicking their ass," Puck growls.
"Down boy," Santana says. "We gotta find them first."
"How?"
"B's working on it."
"Oh. Good."
…
To Brittany's surprise, no one she talks to seems to know anything about the copycat. Is it possible that people at McKinley can actually keep a secret?
Changing tactics, Brittany makes a mental list of the possible suspects. She decides to investigate them because unlike Santana, people are still willing to talk to her. Another reason to be glad for her dumb blonde routine.
…
Santana feels bad that she's letting Britt handle finding out who the copycat prankster is. As Rachel's girlfriend, she kind of likes the idea of being able to save the day. Probably because Rachel is so self sufficient. Santana just wants things to be easier for her, which is why she's going to take care of it, no matter what it takes.
…
Thursday morning, the teachers come in to find all the furniture in the teacher's lounge nailed to the ceiling.
Figgins is enraged.
…
"I'm surprised Figgins didn't pull you into his office this morning," Puck says when he finds Rachel at her locker.
"Why is that?"
"Apparently the copycat struck again," Puck replies. "Stole one of my ideas this time."
"You mean your only idea?"
"Hey!"
Rachel sighs. "So now I have to worry about finding out who's behind-"
"Actually, bro," Puck interjects. "I think you should let me, Lopez and Britt handle this."
"Why?"
"Hey, we can take care of stuff," Puck defends.
"I didn't mean it like that," Rachel replies. "Though the last time you 'took care of stuff', I had to worry about you three being arrested."
"Yeah, but this time we-"
"Noah," Rachel says. "Please don't make promises you can't keep." She closes her locker slowly. "Fine. I'll stay out of it, for now. But be careful. I have very little leverage left to save you guys if need be."
"You don't always have to be the one saving people, Rach," Puck replies. "Let us do this for you. Okay?"
Rachel nods.
"Good. Now I'm walking you to class."
"Thank you, Noah."
…
The biggest problem with what Brittany finds out is what to do with the information. The take down and avenging will have to be perfect. Not only to make a statement, but also because no one crosses Santana Lopez without consequences. And going after her girlfriend is even worse. So whatever Santana does, it has to be big.
…
"You're awfully quiet," Rachel says as Santana drives her home after glee.
"Sorry."
"You might as well just tell me," Rachel says.
"Tell you what?"
"Whatever is weighing so heavily on your mind. It'll make for a more pleasant evening, wouldn't you agree?"
Santana sighs. "Don't be mad."
"Good start," Rachel says, rolling her eyes.
"Look," Santana starts. "I know you said you didn't want me to do anything about the copycat prankster, but after this morning, I have no choice."
"San..."
"I have to Rach," Santana replies. "It's not even completely about you, babe. By going after you, they're going after me too."
"And we can't have that, can we? Even though we're almost done with this place, you still can't handle not being top dog for one second?"
"No, I can't," Santana says. "Because if I'm not, then you get slushied. Or worse. And I promised you that you'd never be slushied again right?"
"Which I appreciate."
Santana pulls into Rachel's driveway and turns off the car. "I'm sorry. But I have to take care of this. Which means we won't be spending Saturday together. I need to figure this out and take care of this weekend."
Rachel studies Santana for a moment. "You already know who it is, don't you?"
Santana nods.
"And you're not going to tell me, are you?"
Santana shakes her head.
"Noah requested that I stay out of it, this morning, but I didn't really think he had anything. I should have know that you... Brittany found out, didn't she?"
Santana nods again. "I know you like to take care of these sort of things yourself, and I totally understand it. But I have to do this, babe. Please let me."
"Fine. I'll find something else to do on Saturday. But I'm not bailing you guys out of jail, so try not to get caught okay?"
Santana grins.
"What?"
"I remember a time that you would have told me not to do anything illegal, instead of telling me not to get caught."
"So you're saying my daddy's right?" Rachel questions. "You are a bad influence?"
"Now you're just trying to pick a fight."
"We're at least hanging out, tonight, like usual, right?"
Santana nods and quickly jumps out of the car. Before Rachel has her seatbelt off, Santana is on the other side, opening her door for her.
"M'lady."
Rachel can't help but giggle as she takes Santana's offered arm. Rachel can't really be mad at Santana; she knows why her girlfriend is doing all this and since Santana supported Rachel's need to keep pulling insane pranks until she got caught, Rachel should respect Santana's need to defend her position in the McKinley hierarchy.
…
Friday morning, the students of McKinley arrive to find a bright, neon pink stripe running down the hall. The janitors have already started working on removing it, but unlike the one that Rachel and Brittany created, this one is huge, at least a foot wide, though not terribly straight. It also just goes down every hallway; it's almost like whoever painted it, just wanted a stripe running down each hall. No one follows it, though everyone tries to make a friend follow it. Instead, it mostly gets ignored.
…
Rachel ends up hanging out with Mike Friday night. It's nice. She's been so busy lately, that she hasn't had time to really hang out with him.
"Aren't you worried about the rumors that will start when people see us together?" Mike asks as they stand in line for a movie.
"Aren't you worried that Santana will kick your ass for taking me out?" Rachel counters.
Mike shakes his head. "You'll protect me."
Rachel smirks. "You always seem to have the right answer."
…
When Santana hears that one of the hockey players is having a party Saturday night, she knows that's where she'll confront the copycat prankster. She, Brittany and Puck spend Friday night planning it out. It helps that Puck's actually been to Bester's house, so he kind of knows the layout. As Santana hands out jobs and sketches out a plan, she wonders if this is how Rachel felt as she was planning pranks. If so, then Santana definitely understand why her girl kept going until she was caught.
…
Since Santana apparently needed an entire day to plan her revenge, Rachel decides to spend Saturday with Kat. As she drives over to the Tyler house, Rachel decides it's actually a good thing that Santana has other plans. Rachel feels like she's let Kat down, not being around as much lately. The prankster thing was really quite time consuming.
…
Puck doesn't understand why having a truck means he has to go find the rotten fruit. Yes, it will be nice to not have it actually inside the truck with him, but it's not like Santana or Brittany's cars don't have trunks. And honestly, it'd probably be safer since his truck's shocks are almost shot. He cringes as he hits a pot hole and a few apples jump out of the truck bed and roll down the street. He wonders if that counts as littering. And then he wonders when he started caring about crap like that.
…
Since Brittany is with Santana, Marisa calls Rachel up and asks to hang out. Kat says she doesn't mind, so Rachel tells Marisa to come over and bring something to do. They then call up Kat's mom and ask if Kat can spend the night. When Mrs. Tyler agrees, Rachel drives Kat back home to pack a bag.
…
"This is better than that time we sought vengeance on Jesse St. James," Brittany says.
They're currently leaning against Puck's truck, watching the party at Bester's house. They're watching to make sure their target arrives, but are also waiting for just the right moment to strike.
"Considering that you were the one that chloroformed him," Puck says. "I pretty sure it was you who was seeking vengeance."
"Like you didn't help out Fuckerman," Santana quips.
"Do I even want to know what you guys are talking about?" Mike asks.
"It's probably safer if you don't," Brittany tells him.
"I still don't see why we had to make this a foursome," Puck grouses.
"That would be totally hot," Brittany says.
"I think part of the story was left out when you explained tonight to me, Britt," Mike says.
"Ignore him," Santana tells Mike. "He gets cranky if he thinks someone is encroaching on his territory."
"What?"
"Pucky is mad because he wants to be Rachy's sole savior and he can't be," Brittany explains.
"Oh. Okay."
…
For some reason, Marisa seems to think that Rachel will be able to explain how to play 3-D chess better than Brittany did. She can't. But Kat is so intrigued by it, that they spend the evening googling the rules and how to play in an attempt to teach Kat.
…
They wait until the party at Bester's is in full swing.
"Now you're sure that you saw them go inside and not come out, B?" Santana asks.
"Course, S," Brittany replies. "This is important. I'm not going to fuck it up."
"Right," Santana nods. "Of course. Sorry." She turns to Mike and Puck. "So Mike's going after Bender and Puck is going to get Willis. Right?"
They both nod.
"And then Britt and I will get set up in the backyard," Santana continues. "You got everything, B?"
Brittany nods as she throws the duffel bag onto her shoulder.
"Good," Santana says. "Then let's do this."
…
"Sorry about tonight."
Marisa half glances to her right at Rachel.
"What for?"
Rachel tries not to shrug since Kat is leaning against her right shoulder, asleep. "Britt's busy tonight because of me."
"Or because of Santana."
"Still my fault, though."
"Not necessarily," Marisa replies. "They're like beyond best friends. Sooner or later it was bound to happen."
"What?"
"Santana dragging Brittany off for some weird adventure."
"I suppose that's true."
"Besides, it's been a while since we've hung out," Marisa continues.
"Yeah, but I was already hanging out with Kat," Rachel points out.
"And now she's asleep," Marisa replies. "It's fine, Rachel. You worry too much."
…
The backyard is almost exactly as Puck described it and Santana is impressed with his drunken memory. They find the spot in the corner of the yard that has a picnic table in it and begin setting up. The two of them push it so it's standing on one end and then brace it at the top with the two by fours they brought. Brittany pulls out the rope and begins cutting pieces. Santana uses the first few pieces to tie the two by fours to the bench and then places two more smaller two by fours at the bottom of the braces so they don't slide around. She then begins tying the braces to the picnic table, using slip knots for ease.
By the time Mike appears leading a very drunk Shane Bender out into the yard, they're ready.
Bender is pretty drunk, so it doesn't take much to convince him that this is going to end differently and make him compliant enough to let them tie him to the picnic table.
Puck drags Willis outside a few minutes later and he fights back a bit, so Brittany pulls out the chloroform.
"Why'd you bring that?" Puck hisses.
"Because we needed it. Obviously," Brittany replies.
"Shut up, you two and help us," Santana orders.
They both stop glaring at each other and help Santana and Mike tie Jason Willis to the picnic table next to Bender.
Once everything's set up, Puck and Mike run back to the truck for the rotten fruit while Santana pulls out a bullhorn and begins shouting.
"Come one, come all and experience more fun than a barrel of monkeys!"
Brittany blows an air horn that appeared out of nowhere.
"Britt," Santana hisses, covering her left ear. "A little warning, next time?"
"Sorry, S."
…
Quinn really doesn't want to be at this party, but as the Cheerio captain she has to at least make an appearance. She fights the urge to roll her eyes at everyone in the room, when she hears Santana Lopez on a bullhorn outside.
Well this party just got a little more interesting.
…
Once there's enough of a crowd, Santana begins addressing the crowd.
"I know I don't have to introduce myself, but just in case, I'm Santana Lopez. As I'm sure all of you know, I've been dating Rachel Berry for the last two years. And I'm also sure that all of you know that last week, Rachel was outed as the prankster who has been terrorizing the administration these past couple years.
"However, in an obvious fit of insanity, someone decided to copy some of her easier pranks this past week. I presume to get my girl in more trouble with Figgins.
"This is unacceptable. After some investigation by Brittany, we've found the culprits." Santana steps aside and everyone notices Bender and Willis tied to the picnic table. "It seems these boys were upset that their buddy, Sanderson was treated harshly for a whole five minutes this past week and tried to retaliate. It's too bad that they went after the wrong person.
"Sure, I could just kick their asses, but where's the fun in that?" Santana asks. "So instead, I thought we could all join in the process of punishing the guilty party."
Someone calls out, "How?!" Santana is pretty sure that it's Quinn.
"Well I'm glad that you asked," Santana replies. "I just happened to find all this rotten fruit."
Puck and Mike push forward two large trolleys full of fruit boxes.
"And I figure the best way to dispose of it all is to throw it."
"Why?!" someone calls out.
"Why not," Santana retorts. "No one has to participate, of course. I just thought it would be fun. But if it helps, just imagine it's someone else you've always wanted to throw fruit at. Figgins. One of your teachers. Whoever." Santana pauses for a moment. "Come on, who's first?"
No one moves, though it's obvious that someone's pushing their way through the crowd. A moment later, Quinn Fabray holds out her hand. Grinning, Santana places a tomato in her palm.
"Captain," Santana salutes. "You get the first shot."
"Thank you Santana," Quinn replies. "I thought for sure, you'd want to take it."
Santana's grin becomes a bit sinister as she says, "Don't worry, I have my own version of justice for them."
"You're really kind of scary right now, Lopez."
"Just throw the fruit, Fabray."
…
Rachel ends up putting Kat in her dads' bed because she feels weird putting her in the guest room. Even though the sheets have been changed, it still feels weird putting her in the same bed that her older sister most likely had sex in.
"What do you think they're doing?" Marisa asks when Rachel joins her on the couch.
"Knowing Santana," Rachel says. "Something humiliating."
"She's defending your honor," Marisa says. "It's nice."
"I just can't believe that I didn't consider the fact that some of our peers would want to retaliate against me," Rachel sighs.
"Considering how many balls you were juggling, it seems understandable that you'd overlook something."
…
It takes a bit of coaxing, but their drunken classmates eventually give in and begin hurling the rotten fruit at the picnic table. There's also alcohol thrown, but thankfully only in red plastic cups. For whatever reason, there appears to be absolutely no bottles or cans at this party and for that, Santana is eternally grateful, because taking these two douche bags to the hospital was not part of the plan.
Once people have run out of things to throw and become bored, they begin shuffling back inside to drink more. Mike locates the hose and turns it. He sprays all the fruit and beer off Bender and Willis before Puck and Santana untie them.
They then lower the picnic table back into place and toss everything back into the duffel bag. They leave Bender and Willis half leaning against it, dripping wet, drunk and sore, smelling of fruit and beer.
"I can't believe you're going to leave them like that," Quinn says.
"Don't worry, Q," Brittany replies. "We're not."
Santana pulls out a couple boxes of baking soda and hands one to Brittany. They rip open the boxes and then precede to cover Bender and Willis with it. Because they're still soaked, it sticks easily.
"Okay, that's... weird."
"Don't worry, that's not all," Santana warns.
"I'm not sure, worried, is what I am," Quinn retorts.
Next Brittany pulls out two tins of Altoids. Quinn watches in amusement as she empties one tin down Bender's pants and then the other down Willis'. However, she's definitely not laughing when Santana pulls out two bottles of soda and hands one to Brittany. They each twist off the top and then shove the mouth of the bottle down Willis and Bender's pants.
While Quinn is watching Willis and Bender suffer through that, though they're both drunk enough that they probably don't completely feel it, Santana continues to dig through the duffel bag.
"What else could you possibly do to them?"
Santana grins as she pulls out a bottle of glue.
"Seriously?"
Santana nods and then places pours thick amounts of glue onto each of their palms and then presses their hands together. Brittany then hands her two long strips of duct table and Santana tapes their hands together.
"There," Santana says, standing. "That should be good."
"You are unbelievable," Quinn comments.
"A cruel and vengeful god, that's for sure," Puck adds.
"Yeah, seriously, Santana," Mike says. "I can't tell who I'm more afraid of, you or Rach."
"You say the nicest things, Mikey."
…
Not wanting to make Marisa uncomfortable, Rachel offers to sleep on the floor. Marisa counters that since it's Rachel's room, Marisa should be the one to sleep on the floor.
"Or we could share the bed?" Rachel offers. "It's big enough."
"Really? Are you sure?" Marisa asks.
Rachel nods. "Are you?"
Taking a moment to consider the situation, her old feelings verse what she currently feels for Rachel, Marisa nods.
"Okay," Rachel says, with a soft smile. "I'm glad that's settled then."
…
Santana considers heading over to Rachel's since it's not quite midnight, but decides against it. Once Puck drops her and B off at Britt's house, the exhaustion hits her.
"Can I crash here?" she asks Brittany.
"Of course," the blonde replies.
…
Marisa knows she should probably be mad to find Santana and Brittany in bed, curled up together, but she's not. Even more than she trusts Brittany, Marisa trust that Santana wouldn't do that to Rachel.
Still it was a bit of a shock to walk into her girlfriend's room and find her wrapped around someone else, so Marisa decides a bit of fun is in order. She slowly backs out of the room and calls Rachel, who thankfully is only a block away.
As she waits for Rachel, Marisa worries that maybe she's overstepping some boundaries, but decides against it since Rachel was heading over to the Lopez house to see Santana anyway.
Marisa meets Rachel at the front door and explains the situation upstairs. Rachel grins and Marisa follows her up the stairs to Brittany's room.
…
After checking that Brittany's parents are indeed gone and that she won't be waking anyone else up, Rachel bursts into Brittany's room.
"What the hell?!"
Both Santana and Brittany sit up and blink at an irate looking Rachel Berry.
Hands on her hips, Rachel taps her foot on the ground. "Well?"
Brittany waves. "Hi Rachy."
"What?" Santana questions. "It's Britt."
"Well that back fired," Rachel tells Marisa. "Guess I should have just gone with the bucket of water, huh?"
Marisa shrugs.
"You guys are up early," Brittany says.
"No reason to stay in bed," Rachel replies.
Brittany smirks and beckons Marisa over.
Santana, in turn, climbs out of bed and begins looking for her shoes.
"See you guys later?" Rachel says as she dragged out of the room by Santana.
…
On Monday, at school, everyone gives Rachel a wide berth. It makes her wonder if Santana went too far on Saturday night. Rachel understands why she did what she did; her girlfriend is a student of the 'go big or go home' philosophy. And Rachel usually follows a similar line of thought. She just wishes she wasn't back to feeling like a leaper.
Oh well, at least they're not throwing slushies, Rachel thinks. It reminds her that things could be worse; plus in six months, she'll be heading to New York.
Rachel lets those thoughts comfort her as she strolls down the hall towards her locker.
Author: slacker_d
Pairing/Characters: Rachel/Santana, Brittany/Marisa, Puck, Mike, Quinn, Kat, Figgins
Rating: PG-13
Summary: "I can't believe someone is stealing my prank ideas and ruining them."
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: ~4,230
Spoilers: previous stories
A/N: Follows Agree to Disagree
2nd A/N: Don't get used to this regular update schedule. It's only because I had no electricity yesterday and spent the day writing this out on a legal pad. Which probably says a lot about my productivity in relation to the amount of technology in the room, but that's a discussion for another day.
3rd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
series masterlist
The moment Rachel steps into McKinley Wednesday morning, she's pulled into Figgins' office.
"Ms. Berry," Figgins greets. "I think I may have overestimated you."
"All right."
"I thought you were an intelligent young woman," Figgins continues.
"And now you don't?" Rachel questions.
"I just don't understand why you would continue to pull pranks," Figgins tells her. "Coach Sylvester's... interference will be no help to you this time. I cannot let this go on without a much more severe punishment."
"Since I haven't pulled any pranks, I'm going to have to protest that," Rachel replies.
"You really expect me to believe that?"
"No," Rachel tells him. "So why don't you tell me about this prank that you think I've pulled."
"Not completely stupid then," Figgins says. "Apparently the diving board was removed and tossed into the swimming pool. It has "Save Me" spray painted on it."
"Well, that definitely wasn't me," Rachel says.
"And why should I believe you?"
"Because I pulled that prank last year and I don't repeat pranks."
Figgins is skeptical. "You don't?"
Rachel shakes her head. "Someone is trying to set me up."
"Surely you don't believe that Ms. Berry."
"Well then someone just wants to pull pranks, but can't think of their own," Rachel says. "Because I didn't do it, Principal Figgins."
Figgins studies Rachel for a few moments and she tries to continue her confident, yet innocent stare.
"I'll believe you for now, Ms. Berry," Figgins says. "But I'll be watching you."
"I am fully aware sir," Rachel says standing.
…
"I'm just appalled by the entire situation."
Santana watches in amusement as Rachel paces in front of her. She had just opened her locker, when Rachel grabbed her wrist and began dragging her down the hall. Thankfully, Santana was able to slam her locker door shut before being dragged into the choir room. Her girlfriend then sat her down and began to pace as she recounted her meeting with Figgins.
"At least he believed you," Santana says. "Sort of."
"That's not what I'm talking about," Rachel replies. "I can't believe someone is stealing my prank ideas and ruining them."
"How is the prank ruined?" Santana asks. "It's like one of the simplest ones you did."
"Yes," Rachel agrees. "Which is what makes it so appalling. I wrote, "I'm drowning" on the diving board. This pathetic substitute wrote, "Save me", which is completely different."
"Maybe it was a homage," Santana suggests.
"Then it was a horrible one," Rachel retorts. "I'm completely insulted."
"Babe, you don't think that you're taking this a little too seriously?"
"I take pride in everything I do, Santana," Rachel replies. "And this school is no longer allowed to... take a crap on my achievements."
"Fair enough," Santana says. "Do you want me to kick someone's ass?"
"Very tempting," Rachel replies. "But not yet."
…
Concerned that someone may be out to get Rachel, Santana seeks out Brittany. She pulls the blonde into the Cheerios’ locker room because it’s unlikely that they’ll be overheard.
“I think someone’s trying to screw over Rachy,” Brittany says before Santana can even begin.
Of course Brittany would already know.
“That’s what I was afraid of,” Santana replies.
“Why else would they be pulling pranks that Rachel’s already done?”
“Because they’re too stupid to think of their own?” Santana offers.
“Well that is a definite possibility,” Brittany agrees. “We’re doing something about this, right?”
Santana nods. “Though you might have to be the information gatherer. For some reason, people are reluctant to talk to me.”
“I don’t mind,” Brittany replies. “Anything for Rachel.”
…
To Santana's dismay, she hears all sorts of craziness about the so called copycat; what's surprisingly is that everyone seems to know it wasn't Rachel. Santana supposes she shouldn't be so surprised that her classmates know better than the administration.
"Do you think it's a wanna be or someone trying to fuck with my bro?" Puck asks Santana in second period.
"Probably someone going after Rach," Santana replies.
"I'm so kicking their ass," Puck growls.
"Down boy," Santana says. "We gotta find them first."
"How?"
"B's working on it."
"Oh. Good."
…
To Brittany's surprise, no one she talks to seems to know anything about the copycat. Is it possible that people at McKinley can actually keep a secret?
Changing tactics, Brittany makes a mental list of the possible suspects. She decides to investigate them because unlike Santana, people are still willing to talk to her. Another reason to be glad for her dumb blonde routine.
…
Santana feels bad that she's letting Britt handle finding out who the copycat prankster is. As Rachel's girlfriend, she kind of likes the idea of being able to save the day. Probably because Rachel is so self sufficient. Santana just wants things to be easier for her, which is why she's going to take care of it, no matter what it takes.
…
Thursday morning, the teachers come in to find all the furniture in the teacher's lounge nailed to the ceiling.
Figgins is enraged.
…
"I'm surprised Figgins didn't pull you into his office this morning," Puck says when he finds Rachel at her locker.
"Why is that?"
"Apparently the copycat struck again," Puck replies. "Stole one of my ideas this time."
"You mean your only idea?"
"Hey!"
Rachel sighs. "So now I have to worry about finding out who's behind-"
"Actually, bro," Puck interjects. "I think you should let me, Lopez and Britt handle this."
"Why?"
"Hey, we can take care of stuff," Puck defends.
"I didn't mean it like that," Rachel replies. "Though the last time you 'took care of stuff', I had to worry about you three being arrested."
"Yeah, but this time we-"
"Noah," Rachel says. "Please don't make promises you can't keep." She closes her locker slowly. "Fine. I'll stay out of it, for now. But be careful. I have very little leverage left to save you guys if need be."
"You don't always have to be the one saving people, Rach," Puck replies. "Let us do this for you. Okay?"
Rachel nods.
"Good. Now I'm walking you to class."
"Thank you, Noah."
…
The biggest problem with what Brittany finds out is what to do with the information. The take down and avenging will have to be perfect. Not only to make a statement, but also because no one crosses Santana Lopez without consequences. And going after her girlfriend is even worse. So whatever Santana does, it has to be big.
…
"You're awfully quiet," Rachel says as Santana drives her home after glee.
"Sorry."
"You might as well just tell me," Rachel says.
"Tell you what?"
"Whatever is weighing so heavily on your mind. It'll make for a more pleasant evening, wouldn't you agree?"
Santana sighs. "Don't be mad."
"Good start," Rachel says, rolling her eyes.
"Look," Santana starts. "I know you said you didn't want me to do anything about the copycat prankster, but after this morning, I have no choice."
"San..."
"I have to Rach," Santana replies. "It's not even completely about you, babe. By going after you, they're going after me too."
"And we can't have that, can we? Even though we're almost done with this place, you still can't handle not being top dog for one second?"
"No, I can't," Santana says. "Because if I'm not, then you get slushied. Or worse. And I promised you that you'd never be slushied again right?"
"Which I appreciate."
Santana pulls into Rachel's driveway and turns off the car. "I'm sorry. But I have to take care of this. Which means we won't be spending Saturday together. I need to figure this out and take care of this weekend."
Rachel studies Santana for a moment. "You already know who it is, don't you?"
Santana nods.
"And you're not going to tell me, are you?"
Santana shakes her head.
"Noah requested that I stay out of it, this morning, but I didn't really think he had anything. I should have know that you... Brittany found out, didn't she?"
Santana nods again. "I know you like to take care of these sort of things yourself, and I totally understand it. But I have to do this, babe. Please let me."
"Fine. I'll find something else to do on Saturday. But I'm not bailing you guys out of jail, so try not to get caught okay?"
Santana grins.
"What?"
"I remember a time that you would have told me not to do anything illegal, instead of telling me not to get caught."
"So you're saying my daddy's right?" Rachel questions. "You are a bad influence?"
"Now you're just trying to pick a fight."
"We're at least hanging out, tonight, like usual, right?"
Santana nods and quickly jumps out of the car. Before Rachel has her seatbelt off, Santana is on the other side, opening her door for her.
"M'lady."
Rachel can't help but giggle as she takes Santana's offered arm. Rachel can't really be mad at Santana; she knows why her girlfriend is doing all this and since Santana supported Rachel's need to keep pulling insane pranks until she got caught, Rachel should respect Santana's need to defend her position in the McKinley hierarchy.
…
Friday morning, the students of McKinley arrive to find a bright, neon pink stripe running down the hall. The janitors have already started working on removing it, but unlike the one that Rachel and Brittany created, this one is huge, at least a foot wide, though not terribly straight. It also just goes down every hallway; it's almost like whoever painted it, just wanted a stripe running down each hall. No one follows it, though everyone tries to make a friend follow it. Instead, it mostly gets ignored.
…
Rachel ends up hanging out with Mike Friday night. It's nice. She's been so busy lately, that she hasn't had time to really hang out with him.
"Aren't you worried about the rumors that will start when people see us together?" Mike asks as they stand in line for a movie.
"Aren't you worried that Santana will kick your ass for taking me out?" Rachel counters.
Mike shakes his head. "You'll protect me."
Rachel smirks. "You always seem to have the right answer."
…
When Santana hears that one of the hockey players is having a party Saturday night, she knows that's where she'll confront the copycat prankster. She, Brittany and Puck spend Friday night planning it out. It helps that Puck's actually been to Bester's house, so he kind of knows the layout. As Santana hands out jobs and sketches out a plan, she wonders if this is how Rachel felt as she was planning pranks. If so, then Santana definitely understand why her girl kept going until she was caught.
…
Since Santana apparently needed an entire day to plan her revenge, Rachel decides to spend Saturday with Kat. As she drives over to the Tyler house, Rachel decides it's actually a good thing that Santana has other plans. Rachel feels like she's let Kat down, not being around as much lately. The prankster thing was really quite time consuming.
…
Puck doesn't understand why having a truck means he has to go find the rotten fruit. Yes, it will be nice to not have it actually inside the truck with him, but it's not like Santana or Brittany's cars don't have trunks. And honestly, it'd probably be safer since his truck's shocks are almost shot. He cringes as he hits a pot hole and a few apples jump out of the truck bed and roll down the street. He wonders if that counts as littering. And then he wonders when he started caring about crap like that.
…
Since Brittany is with Santana, Marisa calls Rachel up and asks to hang out. Kat says she doesn't mind, so Rachel tells Marisa to come over and bring something to do. They then call up Kat's mom and ask if Kat can spend the night. When Mrs. Tyler agrees, Rachel drives Kat back home to pack a bag.
…
"This is better than that time we sought vengeance on Jesse St. James," Brittany says.
They're currently leaning against Puck's truck, watching the party at Bester's house. They're watching to make sure their target arrives, but are also waiting for just the right moment to strike.
"Considering that you were the one that chloroformed him," Puck says. "I pretty sure it was you who was seeking vengeance."
"Like you didn't help out Fuckerman," Santana quips.
"Do I even want to know what you guys are talking about?" Mike asks.
"It's probably safer if you don't," Brittany tells him.
"I still don't see why we had to make this a foursome," Puck grouses.
"That would be totally hot," Brittany says.
"I think part of the story was left out when you explained tonight to me, Britt," Mike says.
"Ignore him," Santana tells Mike. "He gets cranky if he thinks someone is encroaching on his territory."
"What?"
"Pucky is mad because he wants to be Rachy's sole savior and he can't be," Brittany explains.
"Oh. Okay."
…
For some reason, Marisa seems to think that Rachel will be able to explain how to play 3-D chess better than Brittany did. She can't. But Kat is so intrigued by it, that they spend the evening googling the rules and how to play in an attempt to teach Kat.
…
They wait until the party at Bester's is in full swing.
"Now you're sure that you saw them go inside and not come out, B?" Santana asks.
"Course, S," Brittany replies. "This is important. I'm not going to fuck it up."
"Right," Santana nods. "Of course. Sorry." She turns to Mike and Puck. "So Mike's going after Bender and Puck is going to get Willis. Right?"
They both nod.
"And then Britt and I will get set up in the backyard," Santana continues. "You got everything, B?"
Brittany nods as she throws the duffel bag onto her shoulder.
"Good," Santana says. "Then let's do this."
…
"Sorry about tonight."
Marisa half glances to her right at Rachel.
"What for?"
Rachel tries not to shrug since Kat is leaning against her right shoulder, asleep. "Britt's busy tonight because of me."
"Or because of Santana."
"Still my fault, though."
"Not necessarily," Marisa replies. "They're like beyond best friends. Sooner or later it was bound to happen."
"What?"
"Santana dragging Brittany off for some weird adventure."
"I suppose that's true."
"Besides, it's been a while since we've hung out," Marisa continues.
"Yeah, but I was already hanging out with Kat," Rachel points out.
"And now she's asleep," Marisa replies. "It's fine, Rachel. You worry too much."
…
The backyard is almost exactly as Puck described it and Santana is impressed with his drunken memory. They find the spot in the corner of the yard that has a picnic table in it and begin setting up. The two of them push it so it's standing on one end and then brace it at the top with the two by fours they brought. Brittany pulls out the rope and begins cutting pieces. Santana uses the first few pieces to tie the two by fours to the bench and then places two more smaller two by fours at the bottom of the braces so they don't slide around. She then begins tying the braces to the picnic table, using slip knots for ease.
By the time Mike appears leading a very drunk Shane Bender out into the yard, they're ready.
Bender is pretty drunk, so it doesn't take much to convince him that this is going to end differently and make him compliant enough to let them tie him to the picnic table.
Puck drags Willis outside a few minutes later and he fights back a bit, so Brittany pulls out the chloroform.
"Why'd you bring that?" Puck hisses.
"Because we needed it. Obviously," Brittany replies.
"Shut up, you two and help us," Santana orders.
They both stop glaring at each other and help Santana and Mike tie Jason Willis to the picnic table next to Bender.
Once everything's set up, Puck and Mike run back to the truck for the rotten fruit while Santana pulls out a bullhorn and begins shouting.
"Come one, come all and experience more fun than a barrel of monkeys!"
Brittany blows an air horn that appeared out of nowhere.
"Britt," Santana hisses, covering her left ear. "A little warning, next time?"
"Sorry, S."
…
Quinn really doesn't want to be at this party, but as the Cheerio captain she has to at least make an appearance. She fights the urge to roll her eyes at everyone in the room, when she hears Santana Lopez on a bullhorn outside.
Well this party just got a little more interesting.
…
Once there's enough of a crowd, Santana begins addressing the crowd.
"I know I don't have to introduce myself, but just in case, I'm Santana Lopez. As I'm sure all of you know, I've been dating Rachel Berry for the last two years. And I'm also sure that all of you know that last week, Rachel was outed as the prankster who has been terrorizing the administration these past couple years.
"However, in an obvious fit of insanity, someone decided to copy some of her easier pranks this past week. I presume to get my girl in more trouble with Figgins.
"This is unacceptable. After some investigation by Brittany, we've found the culprits." Santana steps aside and everyone notices Bender and Willis tied to the picnic table. "It seems these boys were upset that their buddy, Sanderson was treated harshly for a whole five minutes this past week and tried to retaliate. It's too bad that they went after the wrong person.
"Sure, I could just kick their asses, but where's the fun in that?" Santana asks. "So instead, I thought we could all join in the process of punishing the guilty party."
Someone calls out, "How?!" Santana is pretty sure that it's Quinn.
"Well I'm glad that you asked," Santana replies. "I just happened to find all this rotten fruit."
Puck and Mike push forward two large trolleys full of fruit boxes.
"And I figure the best way to dispose of it all is to throw it."
"Why?!" someone calls out.
"Why not," Santana retorts. "No one has to participate, of course. I just thought it would be fun. But if it helps, just imagine it's someone else you've always wanted to throw fruit at. Figgins. One of your teachers. Whoever." Santana pauses for a moment. "Come on, who's first?"
No one moves, though it's obvious that someone's pushing their way through the crowd. A moment later, Quinn Fabray holds out her hand. Grinning, Santana places a tomato in her palm.
"Captain," Santana salutes. "You get the first shot."
"Thank you Santana," Quinn replies. "I thought for sure, you'd want to take it."
Santana's grin becomes a bit sinister as she says, "Don't worry, I have my own version of justice for them."
"You're really kind of scary right now, Lopez."
"Just throw the fruit, Fabray."
…
Rachel ends up putting Kat in her dads' bed because she feels weird putting her in the guest room. Even though the sheets have been changed, it still feels weird putting her in the same bed that her older sister most likely had sex in.
"What do you think they're doing?" Marisa asks when Rachel joins her on the couch.
"Knowing Santana," Rachel says. "Something humiliating."
"She's defending your honor," Marisa says. "It's nice."
"I just can't believe that I didn't consider the fact that some of our peers would want to retaliate against me," Rachel sighs.
"Considering how many balls you were juggling, it seems understandable that you'd overlook something."
…
It takes a bit of coaxing, but their drunken classmates eventually give in and begin hurling the rotten fruit at the picnic table. There's also alcohol thrown, but thankfully only in red plastic cups. For whatever reason, there appears to be absolutely no bottles or cans at this party and for that, Santana is eternally grateful, because taking these two douche bags to the hospital was not part of the plan.
Once people have run out of things to throw and become bored, they begin shuffling back inside to drink more. Mike locates the hose and turns it. He sprays all the fruit and beer off Bender and Willis before Puck and Santana untie them.
They then lower the picnic table back into place and toss everything back into the duffel bag. They leave Bender and Willis half leaning against it, dripping wet, drunk and sore, smelling of fruit and beer.
"I can't believe you're going to leave them like that," Quinn says.
"Don't worry, Q," Brittany replies. "We're not."
Santana pulls out a couple boxes of baking soda and hands one to Brittany. They rip open the boxes and then precede to cover Bender and Willis with it. Because they're still soaked, it sticks easily.
"Okay, that's... weird."
"Don't worry, that's not all," Santana warns.
"I'm not sure, worried, is what I am," Quinn retorts.
Next Brittany pulls out two tins of Altoids. Quinn watches in amusement as she empties one tin down Bender's pants and then the other down Willis'. However, she's definitely not laughing when Santana pulls out two bottles of soda and hands one to Brittany. They each twist off the top and then shove the mouth of the bottle down Willis and Bender's pants.
While Quinn is watching Willis and Bender suffer through that, though they're both drunk enough that they probably don't completely feel it, Santana continues to dig through the duffel bag.
"What else could you possibly do to them?"
Santana grins as she pulls out a bottle of glue.
"Seriously?"
Santana nods and then places pours thick amounts of glue onto each of their palms and then presses their hands together. Brittany then hands her two long strips of duct table and Santana tapes their hands together.
"There," Santana says, standing. "That should be good."
"You are unbelievable," Quinn comments.
"A cruel and vengeful god, that's for sure," Puck adds.
"Yeah, seriously, Santana," Mike says. "I can't tell who I'm more afraid of, you or Rach."
"You say the nicest things, Mikey."
…
Not wanting to make Marisa uncomfortable, Rachel offers to sleep on the floor. Marisa counters that since it's Rachel's room, Marisa should be the one to sleep on the floor.
"Or we could share the bed?" Rachel offers. "It's big enough."
"Really? Are you sure?" Marisa asks.
Rachel nods. "Are you?"
Taking a moment to consider the situation, her old feelings verse what she currently feels for Rachel, Marisa nods.
"Okay," Rachel says, with a soft smile. "I'm glad that's settled then."
…
Santana considers heading over to Rachel's since it's not quite midnight, but decides against it. Once Puck drops her and B off at Britt's house, the exhaustion hits her.
"Can I crash here?" she asks Brittany.
"Of course," the blonde replies.
…
Marisa knows she should probably be mad to find Santana and Brittany in bed, curled up together, but she's not. Even more than she trusts Brittany, Marisa trust that Santana wouldn't do that to Rachel.
Still it was a bit of a shock to walk into her girlfriend's room and find her wrapped around someone else, so Marisa decides a bit of fun is in order. She slowly backs out of the room and calls Rachel, who thankfully is only a block away.
As she waits for Rachel, Marisa worries that maybe she's overstepping some boundaries, but decides against it since Rachel was heading over to the Lopez house to see Santana anyway.
Marisa meets Rachel at the front door and explains the situation upstairs. Rachel grins and Marisa follows her up the stairs to Brittany's room.
…
After checking that Brittany's parents are indeed gone and that she won't be waking anyone else up, Rachel bursts into Brittany's room.
"What the hell?!"
Both Santana and Brittany sit up and blink at an irate looking Rachel Berry.
Hands on her hips, Rachel taps her foot on the ground. "Well?"
Brittany waves. "Hi Rachy."
"What?" Santana questions. "It's Britt."
"Well that back fired," Rachel tells Marisa. "Guess I should have just gone with the bucket of water, huh?"
Marisa shrugs.
"You guys are up early," Brittany says.
"No reason to stay in bed," Rachel replies.
Brittany smirks and beckons Marisa over.
Santana, in turn, climbs out of bed and begins looking for her shoes.
"See you guys later?" Rachel says as she dragged out of the room by Santana.
…
On Monday, at school, everyone gives Rachel a wide berth. It makes her wonder if Santana went too far on Saturday night. Rachel understands why she did what she did; her girlfriend is a student of the 'go big or go home' philosophy. And Rachel usually follows a similar line of thought. She just wishes she wasn't back to feeling like a leaper.
Oh well, at least they're not throwing slushies, Rachel thinks. It reminds her that things could be worse; plus in six months, she'll be heading to New York.
Rachel lets those thoughts comfort her as she strolls down the hall towards her locker.