fic: Best Served Cold
Title: Best Served Cold
Author: slacker_d
Pairing/Characters: Brittany, Santana, Puck, Tina, Special Guest Star
Rating: R
Summary: Revenge.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: ~2,900
Spoilers: Season 1
A/N: Follows Organized Chaos Abound. That's right, no Rachel in this fic, but give it a chance anyway. Also, please vote in the poll at the end of the fic. Thanks in advance.
2nd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
Flow Charts Are Never Wrong | Revelations and Confrontations | Cuffed | Physics and Golf | The Student Becomes the Master | Breaking Into School is Easy to Do | Keeping Up Appearances | Games People Play | Ink and Gossip | Like That Movie, Open Water | Berry verses Lopez | Playing With Fire | Organized Chaos Abound
Brittany is running late. At least she's pretty sure she is. She's not sure what time it is, but she feels like she's late. She should really get another watch, except the number she's lost over the years is almost as high as the number of boys she's kissed. She could get one tattooed on, so she wouldn't lose it, but then it probably wouldn't keep time very well.
She's hustling down the street, lost in thoughts about watches and tattoos when she sees someone she never thought she'd see again, Jesse St. James.
Brittany thinks back to how upset Rachel was after Jesse dumped her and then how it got worse when Vocal Adrenaline egged her. Mr. Schue's idea of revenge was pathetic and weak. Brittany wasn't Rachel's biggest fan back then, but even she thought that.
Brittany decides she needs to get a proper sort of revenge for Rachel. Knowing now how awesome she is, Brittany figures Rachel deserves it. She pulls some tissue out of her purse and a small bottle. Soaking the tissue, she sneaks up behind Jesse and presses the soaked tissue against his nose and mouth.
Ten seconds later he's out and Brittany is half walking, half dragging him to the car. Except she doesn't know where to go. Her house has her little sister and her mom. San's mom is scary and she wants it to be a surprise for Rachel.
She decides to drive to Puck's. His mom works a lot and Puck's always said he wanted to punch Jesse in the face, among other things.
When she reaches the Puckerman residence, she calls Santana because she'll definitely want to join in the revenge.
Puck is of course surprised when Brittany shows up on his doorstep unannounced. Thankfully, his mother is at work and his little sister is at a friend's. When he sees Jesse in Brittany's front seat, he seems almost giddy. He helps Brittany get him inside and into the basement.
…
"Do I even want to know why you carry chloroform around?" Puck asks.
"No, you don't," Santana answers.
They're in Puck's basement staring at an unconscious Jesse St. James. He's bound at the wrists and ankles; Santana brought rope with her.
"Should we call Rach?" Puck asks.
"No way," Santana replies. "She doesn't believe in revenge, even if it's on her behalf and totally justified."
"Girl is too forgiving," Puck says.
"Lucky for us," Brittany volunteers. "We should blindfold him."
"He'll still recognize our voices, Britt," Santana points out.
"Yeah, but it'll totally freak him out if he can't see us," Brittany says.
"Should we gag him too?" Puck asks.
"Naw, but if he gets too freaked, we can threaten him with it," Brittany explains.
"He will get freaked," Santana says. "Wouldn't you?"
"I know, right?" Brittany smiles.
"You're really creeping me out right now," Puck announces.
Brittany's grin becomes almost sinister.
"Whoa!" Puck exclaims, backing up.
"Stop being a pussy and get something we can blindfold him with before he wakes up, Puckerman," Santana snaps.
"Sir, yes, sir," Puck replies, saluting Santana. He then bounds up the stairs.
Shaking her head at his antics, Santana pulls out her cell and begins taking pictures. She wants to capture the moment. "We should record this," Santana suggests.
"Yeah, but who would film?" Brittany questions. "None of us are that great with technology and I don't want to miss one moment."
"I suppose that's true."
"What about Artie?"
"Yeah, except how are we going to get his chair down the stairs?"
"True," Brittany agrees. "Maybe Tina."
"Yeah."
Puck returns, dashing back down the stairs. "I couldn't find anything so I just brought some tube socks." He throws them at Santana.
"Ewww, Puckerman."
"They're clean."
"It's perfect," Brittany says. "We can use one to blindfold him and the other as a gag."
Santana tosses one to Brittany, who wraps it around Jesse's head while Santana pockets the other. Puck just stares at them.
"I'll call Tina," Brittany volunteers, running up the stairs.
"Why are we calling Tina?" Puck asks.
"So we have someone document this momentous occasion," Santana replies. "I want to have something to show Rachel."
…
About ten minutes later, Brittany returns with Tina trailing behind her. It's perfect timing, because Jesse seems to be waking up.
Tina hold up a small hand held camera and waves.
"Hey," Puck says.
"She doesn't want to be recognized, which I said was fine, so she's not going to talk," Brittany explains.
"Sounds fair," Santana says.
With the camera rolling, they all turn and watch as Jesse wakes up and realizes something's wrong. His hands jerk first and when he realizes they're behind his back, the panic begins. Next, he tries his feet and find them tied as well. His head begins twitching around when he realizes he's blindfolded also.
"Who's there?" he asks. "I can hear you breathing. What the fuck is going on?"
"Jesse St. James," Santana says. "We meet again."
"Yeah," Puck adds. "Didn't think you'd see us again, did you?"
"Lopez? Puckerman?"
"That's right, buddy," Puck answers. "We have some unfinished business."
"What the fuck for? We won regionals fair and square. Besides that was last year, you guys need to let things go."
"You think this is about glee?" Santana asks. "You're way off, buddy. This is about Rachel."
"You really expect me to believe that you two are fighting her battles? And how the fuck did I get here?"
"A lot can change, Jesse. And Brittany brought you here."
"That crazy blonde?"
This earns hit a kick in the side, strangely enough from Tina.
"Maybe you shouldn't be bad mouthing someone who's about to decide your fate," Brittany says.
"Remember, we were trained by Sue Sylvester," Santana adds.
"So what? You're going to egg me as well?"
"Tempting," Santana admits. "We haven't decided yet."
"We were waiting for you to wake up," Brittany adds. "Get your input."
"Ha ha."
"So," Santana starts. "Thoughts?"
"A vat of blue raspberry slushie," Puck suggests.
"Or a vat of boiling oil," Brittany tries.
"Where would you get a vat of boiling oil?" Jesse asks.
"Coach Sylvester, obviously," Brittany answers.
"Obviously," Jesse mocks.
"We strip him naked, cover him with honey and put him by some ant hills," Santana says.
"That might be going a bit too far, S," Brittany replies.
"Plus, where would be find a bunch of ant hills?" Puck asks.
"What if we call that chick you know and have her tattoo something stupid on his forehead?" Santana asks. "And maybe other places too."
"Tramp stamp," Brittany says. "Like a butterfly or a smiley face."
"I was thinking a bar code on his forehead," Santana replies.
"Oooh, I like," Puck says.
Tina taps Brittany on the shoulder and hands her a piece of paper. The blonde opens and reads it before saying out loud, "We leave him naked, tied to a tree."
"I like it," Santana says.
"We shave his hair," Puck suggests. "And not just his head."
"No way," Jesse interjects.
"We could pierce stuff too," Brittany adds.
"Like I'm going to sit still for any of that," Jesse protests.
"We have ways of making you cooperate," Santana says.
Jesse scoffs. "Try to be a little more cliché, why don't you?"
"It's definitely a good idea to mock the people who tied you up, dude," Puck replies.
"You guys don't have the balls to do anything to me," Jesse snaps.
"A challenge?" Santana questions. "That wasn't a very good idea, Jesse."
"Please," Jesse sneers. "We egg your teammate, your captain, your lead, your best shot at winning and all you can do is sing a song? Pathetic."
"That's why you're here now, silly," Brittany says. "The egging we can let go. But not only did you use Rachel, you also used knowledge gained during your courtship to make her miserable. That is totally unacceptable."
Jesse just stares at Brittany or at least, they all assume he does through the blindfold.
"Aren't you supposed to be the dumb one?" he asks finally.
This earns him a kick in the nuts from Santana. They ignore his gasps of pain as they try to figure something out.
"I vote tattoo," Brittany says.
"Yeah," Santana adds.
Tina nods.
"All right," Puck says. "I'll give Nikki a call." He digs out his cell phone and dials. "Hey, Nikki, it's Puck. Oh you know it. Listen, I have a weird question to ask. Would you be willing to tattoo someone who's unconscious? Why does that matter? Maybe. He deserves it. Yeah, well he does. No. Fine. Thanks anyhow. Later." Puck hangs up. "So that's a no."
"Ha!" Jesse comments from the floor.
"Yeah, keep taunting us," Santana says. "That'll end well for you."
"We should pierce stuff," Brittany suggest. "Awkward places."
"We can't take him to a piercer," Puck points out. "I assume they'd have ethics like Nikki does."
"We can just do it ourselves," Brittany replies. "We just need a big needle, a lighter and some ice."
"It's not a bad thought," Santana considers.
"Oh hell no," Jesses says. "I'm not getting some weird infection from Amateur Pierces 'R' Us or whatever you want to call yourselves."
"Too long of name," Santana replies. "Can we please gag him now?"
"What? There's no way in hell you're going to--garf mep."
Brittany looks triumphant as Jesse valiantly tries to remove the gag.
"It would have been better if they'd been dirty socks, don't you think?"
"Maybe so, B," Santana replies. "But there's no way in hell I'm touching one of Puckerman's dirty socks."
"Well, then maybe next time you'll bring your gimp mask instead, Lopez."
"I thought you said you got rid of that, San," Brittany says.
"Holy shit!" Puck exclaims. "Waaay too much information about someone I'm not allowed anymore to think about naked."
"You do know Britt is just messing with you, right Puckerman?" Santana asks.
"Am I?" Brittany asks, coyly.
"Yeah, you're really freaking me out, B," Puck comments.
Tina raises her hand in agreement.
Jesse's mumblings around the sock are becoming louder and louder.
Tina hands Brittany another note. She opens it and reads out loud, "What if he chokes?"
"Good," Santana says.
"Fine," Puck sighs. "We'll take it out."
"This is all very weird and creepy," Jesse says. "But could you losers just untie me so I can leave?"
"Please don't tell me you think this is just some scare tactic?" Santana questions. "Because it's definitely not."
"As if I'm scared," Jesse snaps back. "You freaks couldn't come up with decent revenge if it kicked you in the face."
"I should kick you in the face," Santana growls as she lunges at him.
"San," Brittany says, grabbing her arm. "He won't be so clever in about an hour will he?"
"No, I guess he won't."
"You New Directions are all talk," Jesse says. "I don't believe for one minute you're going to anything that horrible to me."
"God," Puck groans. "Can we just chloroform him now so he's quiet?"
"Britt?"
Brittany places a soaked paper towel against Jesse's face and all too soon he's unconscious.
"So do we know what we want to do to him?" Tina asks.
…
"I must like Rach even more than I thought," Puck comments.
"Why do you say that?" Tina asks.
"Because I'm stripping a dude naked just for her."
The two of them are now in the bathroom, stripping Jesse so they can shave him. Brittany and Santana are out buying supplies.
"I still think this would have been better downstairs," Tina says. "We could just do it on an old blanket and then throw it away after."
"No way," Puck answers. "If my mom came home and saw it, I'd have no explanation that wouldn't result in grounding and a possible police call. At least we can lock the bathroom door."
"I don't see how the four of us, plus him are going to fit in here," Tina replies.
"It should work if you just sit on the toilet and film."
"We're back, bitches," Santana says, entering.
"Okay, good, help me get him up," Puck tells her.
While the two of them get Jesse situated, Brittany gets out the scissors. She then throws a pair of yellow rubber gloves at Puck.
"What are these for?"
"You're shaving his junk," Brittany tells him.
"No way in hell."
"Don't bother, Puckerman," Santana says. "It's already been decided."
"Fine," Puck agrees. "But you're giving him an extra dose of chloroform before we start that."
"That's fair," Brittany says.
Brittany then begins cutting off all the hair on Jesse's head. When it's almost buzz cut like, Santana pulls out an electric razor and shears off the rest.
"He looks good bald," Brittany says.
"He looks like a melon," Santana snarks.
"It's definitely different," Puck agrees.
Santana pulls out three cans of shaving cream and a pack of disposable razors while Brittany fills the sink with water. They smear the shaving cream everywhere and begin shaving all Jesse's body hair off. It takes some time, but soon he's as bare as a newborn.
"I still think one of you should do this," Puck says as Brittany and Santana reposition Jesse. "A dude shouldn’t shave another dude's package."
"Is that part of the bro code?" Santana asks.
"It's one of those implied things."
"Too bad, Pucky," Brittany says. "You were outvoted."
The girls take pity on him and each put on a yellow glove. They then cover the area with shaving cream before handing the gloves back over to Puck. Brittany rechloroforms Jesse as Puck prepares.
Looking pissed and grossed out, Puck grabs a new razor and goes to work. He's done quickly and it's a bit messy, but at least it's done.
Just to be malicious, Santana goes over the area with the electric razor to make sure they didn't miss anything.
"Why didn't we just use that for his whole body?" Puck asks.
"Because you didn't want to, remember?" Santana replies. "In case your mom comes home early and heard it? You said you didn't want to try to explain why you were in the bathroom with three chicks, a video camera and a naked dude."
"Oh. Yeah."
"So now what?"
"I still think we should pierce something," Brittany says. "I've got everything we need, including embarrassing earrings."
"Fine," Santana says. "While you're doing that, we can figure out where we're going to leave him."
They all watch as Brittany pulls out a large needle and a lighter. She runs the needle through the flame and pulls out a baggie of earrings.
First, she pierces both ears, putting in little snowmen with flashing red noses. Next, she pierces both nipples putting in small gold hoops. Finally, she pierces his nose, putting in a rainbow stud.
"That was… wow, Britt, I don't know what to say," Puck says. "How the hell did you learn to do that?"
"Learn? I didn't. I just did it."
"Whoa," Puck murmurs.
"There are no words for how I feel about you now," Tina says.
…
"I never would've pictured Jesse with plain old navy boxer briefs," Santana says as they're dressing him. "I was thinking something more pretentious like silk."
"Joke all you want, but silk feels really good around the junk," Puck says.
"A very important feature, I'm sure," Tina says.
"We need to figure out how we're going to get him out of here," Brittany interrupts.
"We've got one of those super large rolling suitcases," Puck replies. "We can probably squish him in there."
"Yeah, that could work."
…
The next morning the students of Carmel High are greet with the sight of a crucifixion blocking the front entrance.
It doesn't take long for a group to surround it. The duct tape over his mouth helps muffle his pleas for help. A lot of people recognize a pink polka dotted boxer clad Jesse St. James; it hasn't been that long, but no one seems willing to pull him down.
It might be because they're laughing at the sign around his neck.
I am a massive dickhead to make up for having a tiny penis.
The sign has a magnifying glass hanging from it; that was Santana's idea. There's also a smiley face on it; that was Brittany's idea.
Eventually someone gets a janitor who cuts him down and somehow manages to half catch him when he falls.
Everyone whoops and claps upon seeing this and goes inside.
Not knowing what else to do, Jesse borrows some gym clothes so he can get home without being arrested. He already has an idea of what those New Directions kids did to him, but he wants to fully examine himself in the privacy of his own home. So he thanks the janitor for pulling him down and the clothes and begins the long walk.
…
Rachel is at her locker getting her books for the day when Tina stops and hands her a DVD.
"It's not just from me," Tina tells her. "It's from Puck, Brittany and Santana too."
"Thanks Tina. What is it?"
"Something to make you smile when you're feeling down."
"Thanks." Rachel slips the DVD into her locker, closes it and heads to first period.
End
So the next fic is going to be Quinn throwing down the gauntlet and challenging Rachel, but I can't decide who should be the victor of such a confrontation, so tell me who you want to win.
Poll Rachel vs. Quinn: Thunderdome Style
Author: slacker_d
Pairing/Characters: Brittany, Santana, Puck, Tina, Special Guest Star
Rating: R
Summary: Revenge.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: ~2,900
Spoilers: Season 1
A/N: Follows Organized Chaos Abound. That's right, no Rachel in this fic, but give it a chance anyway. Also, please vote in the poll at the end of the fic. Thanks in advance.
2nd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
Flow Charts Are Never Wrong | Revelations and Confrontations | Cuffed | Physics and Golf | The Student Becomes the Master | Breaking Into School is Easy to Do | Keeping Up Appearances | Games People Play | Ink and Gossip | Like That Movie, Open Water | Berry verses Lopez | Playing With Fire | Organized Chaos Abound
Brittany is running late. At least she's pretty sure she is. She's not sure what time it is, but she feels like she's late. She should really get another watch, except the number she's lost over the years is almost as high as the number of boys she's kissed. She could get one tattooed on, so she wouldn't lose it, but then it probably wouldn't keep time very well.
She's hustling down the street, lost in thoughts about watches and tattoos when she sees someone she never thought she'd see again, Jesse St. James.
Brittany thinks back to how upset Rachel was after Jesse dumped her and then how it got worse when Vocal Adrenaline egged her. Mr. Schue's idea of revenge was pathetic and weak. Brittany wasn't Rachel's biggest fan back then, but even she thought that.
Brittany decides she needs to get a proper sort of revenge for Rachel. Knowing now how awesome she is, Brittany figures Rachel deserves it. She pulls some tissue out of her purse and a small bottle. Soaking the tissue, she sneaks up behind Jesse and presses the soaked tissue against his nose and mouth.
Ten seconds later he's out and Brittany is half walking, half dragging him to the car. Except she doesn't know where to go. Her house has her little sister and her mom. San's mom is scary and she wants it to be a surprise for Rachel.
She decides to drive to Puck's. His mom works a lot and Puck's always said he wanted to punch Jesse in the face, among other things.
When she reaches the Puckerman residence, she calls Santana because she'll definitely want to join in the revenge.
Puck is of course surprised when Brittany shows up on his doorstep unannounced. Thankfully, his mother is at work and his little sister is at a friend's. When he sees Jesse in Brittany's front seat, he seems almost giddy. He helps Brittany get him inside and into the basement.
…
"Do I even want to know why you carry chloroform around?" Puck asks.
"No, you don't," Santana answers.
They're in Puck's basement staring at an unconscious Jesse St. James. He's bound at the wrists and ankles; Santana brought rope with her.
"Should we call Rach?" Puck asks.
"No way," Santana replies. "She doesn't believe in revenge, even if it's on her behalf and totally justified."
"Girl is too forgiving," Puck says.
"Lucky for us," Brittany volunteers. "We should blindfold him."
"He'll still recognize our voices, Britt," Santana points out.
"Yeah, but it'll totally freak him out if he can't see us," Brittany says.
"Should we gag him too?" Puck asks.
"Naw, but if he gets too freaked, we can threaten him with it," Brittany explains.
"He will get freaked," Santana says. "Wouldn't you?"
"I know, right?" Brittany smiles.
"You're really creeping me out right now," Puck announces.
Brittany's grin becomes almost sinister.
"Whoa!" Puck exclaims, backing up.
"Stop being a pussy and get something we can blindfold him with before he wakes up, Puckerman," Santana snaps.
"Sir, yes, sir," Puck replies, saluting Santana. He then bounds up the stairs.
Shaking her head at his antics, Santana pulls out her cell and begins taking pictures. She wants to capture the moment. "We should record this," Santana suggests.
"Yeah, but who would film?" Brittany questions. "None of us are that great with technology and I don't want to miss one moment."
"I suppose that's true."
"What about Artie?"
"Yeah, except how are we going to get his chair down the stairs?"
"True," Brittany agrees. "Maybe Tina."
"Yeah."
Puck returns, dashing back down the stairs. "I couldn't find anything so I just brought some tube socks." He throws them at Santana.
"Ewww, Puckerman."
"They're clean."
"It's perfect," Brittany says. "We can use one to blindfold him and the other as a gag."
Santana tosses one to Brittany, who wraps it around Jesse's head while Santana pockets the other. Puck just stares at them.
"I'll call Tina," Brittany volunteers, running up the stairs.
"Why are we calling Tina?" Puck asks.
"So we have someone document this momentous occasion," Santana replies. "I want to have something to show Rachel."
…
About ten minutes later, Brittany returns with Tina trailing behind her. It's perfect timing, because Jesse seems to be waking up.
Tina hold up a small hand held camera and waves.
"Hey," Puck says.
"She doesn't want to be recognized, which I said was fine, so she's not going to talk," Brittany explains.
"Sounds fair," Santana says.
With the camera rolling, they all turn and watch as Jesse wakes up and realizes something's wrong. His hands jerk first and when he realizes they're behind his back, the panic begins. Next, he tries his feet and find them tied as well. His head begins twitching around when he realizes he's blindfolded also.
"Who's there?" he asks. "I can hear you breathing. What the fuck is going on?"
"Jesse St. James," Santana says. "We meet again."
"Yeah," Puck adds. "Didn't think you'd see us again, did you?"
"Lopez? Puckerman?"
"That's right, buddy," Puck answers. "We have some unfinished business."
"What the fuck for? We won regionals fair and square. Besides that was last year, you guys need to let things go."
"You think this is about glee?" Santana asks. "You're way off, buddy. This is about Rachel."
"You really expect me to believe that you two are fighting her battles? And how the fuck did I get here?"
"A lot can change, Jesse. And Brittany brought you here."
"That crazy blonde?"
This earns hit a kick in the side, strangely enough from Tina.
"Maybe you shouldn't be bad mouthing someone who's about to decide your fate," Brittany says.
"Remember, we were trained by Sue Sylvester," Santana adds.
"So what? You're going to egg me as well?"
"Tempting," Santana admits. "We haven't decided yet."
"We were waiting for you to wake up," Brittany adds. "Get your input."
"Ha ha."
"So," Santana starts. "Thoughts?"
"A vat of blue raspberry slushie," Puck suggests.
"Or a vat of boiling oil," Brittany tries.
"Where would you get a vat of boiling oil?" Jesse asks.
"Coach Sylvester, obviously," Brittany answers.
"Obviously," Jesse mocks.
"We strip him naked, cover him with honey and put him by some ant hills," Santana says.
"That might be going a bit too far, S," Brittany replies.
"Plus, where would be find a bunch of ant hills?" Puck asks.
"What if we call that chick you know and have her tattoo something stupid on his forehead?" Santana asks. "And maybe other places too."
"Tramp stamp," Brittany says. "Like a butterfly or a smiley face."
"I was thinking a bar code on his forehead," Santana replies.
"Oooh, I like," Puck says.
Tina taps Brittany on the shoulder and hands her a piece of paper. The blonde opens and reads it before saying out loud, "We leave him naked, tied to a tree."
"I like it," Santana says.
"We shave his hair," Puck suggests. "And not just his head."
"No way," Jesse interjects.
"We could pierce stuff too," Brittany adds.
"Like I'm going to sit still for any of that," Jesse protests.
"We have ways of making you cooperate," Santana says.
Jesse scoffs. "Try to be a little more cliché, why don't you?"
"It's definitely a good idea to mock the people who tied you up, dude," Puck replies.
"You guys don't have the balls to do anything to me," Jesse snaps.
"A challenge?" Santana questions. "That wasn't a very good idea, Jesse."
"Please," Jesse sneers. "We egg your teammate, your captain, your lead, your best shot at winning and all you can do is sing a song? Pathetic."
"That's why you're here now, silly," Brittany says. "The egging we can let go. But not only did you use Rachel, you also used knowledge gained during your courtship to make her miserable. That is totally unacceptable."
Jesse just stares at Brittany or at least, they all assume he does through the blindfold.
"Aren't you supposed to be the dumb one?" he asks finally.
This earns him a kick in the nuts from Santana. They ignore his gasps of pain as they try to figure something out.
"I vote tattoo," Brittany says.
"Yeah," Santana adds.
Tina nods.
"All right," Puck says. "I'll give Nikki a call." He digs out his cell phone and dials. "Hey, Nikki, it's Puck. Oh you know it. Listen, I have a weird question to ask. Would you be willing to tattoo someone who's unconscious? Why does that matter? Maybe. He deserves it. Yeah, well he does. No. Fine. Thanks anyhow. Later." Puck hangs up. "So that's a no."
"Ha!" Jesse comments from the floor.
"Yeah, keep taunting us," Santana says. "That'll end well for you."
"We should pierce stuff," Brittany suggest. "Awkward places."
"We can't take him to a piercer," Puck points out. "I assume they'd have ethics like Nikki does."
"We can just do it ourselves," Brittany replies. "We just need a big needle, a lighter and some ice."
"It's not a bad thought," Santana considers.
"Oh hell no," Jesses says. "I'm not getting some weird infection from Amateur Pierces 'R' Us or whatever you want to call yourselves."
"Too long of name," Santana replies. "Can we please gag him now?"
"What? There's no way in hell you're going to--garf mep."
Brittany looks triumphant as Jesse valiantly tries to remove the gag.
"It would have been better if they'd been dirty socks, don't you think?"
"Maybe so, B," Santana replies. "But there's no way in hell I'm touching one of Puckerman's dirty socks."
"Well, then maybe next time you'll bring your gimp mask instead, Lopez."
"I thought you said you got rid of that, San," Brittany says.
"Holy shit!" Puck exclaims. "Waaay too much information about someone I'm not allowed anymore to think about naked."
"You do know Britt is just messing with you, right Puckerman?" Santana asks.
"Am I?" Brittany asks, coyly.
"Yeah, you're really freaking me out, B," Puck comments.
Tina raises her hand in agreement.
Jesse's mumblings around the sock are becoming louder and louder.
Tina hands Brittany another note. She opens it and reads out loud, "What if he chokes?"
"Good," Santana says.
"Fine," Puck sighs. "We'll take it out."
"This is all very weird and creepy," Jesse says. "But could you losers just untie me so I can leave?"
"Please don't tell me you think this is just some scare tactic?" Santana questions. "Because it's definitely not."
"As if I'm scared," Jesse snaps back. "You freaks couldn't come up with decent revenge if it kicked you in the face."
"I should kick you in the face," Santana growls as she lunges at him.
"San," Brittany says, grabbing her arm. "He won't be so clever in about an hour will he?"
"No, I guess he won't."
"You New Directions are all talk," Jesse says. "I don't believe for one minute you're going to anything that horrible to me."
"God," Puck groans. "Can we just chloroform him now so he's quiet?"
"Britt?"
Brittany places a soaked paper towel against Jesse's face and all too soon he's unconscious.
"So do we know what we want to do to him?" Tina asks.
…
"I must like Rach even more than I thought," Puck comments.
"Why do you say that?" Tina asks.
"Because I'm stripping a dude naked just for her."
The two of them are now in the bathroom, stripping Jesse so they can shave him. Brittany and Santana are out buying supplies.
"I still think this would have been better downstairs," Tina says. "We could just do it on an old blanket and then throw it away after."
"No way," Puck answers. "If my mom came home and saw it, I'd have no explanation that wouldn't result in grounding and a possible police call. At least we can lock the bathroom door."
"I don't see how the four of us, plus him are going to fit in here," Tina replies.
"It should work if you just sit on the toilet and film."
"We're back, bitches," Santana says, entering.
"Okay, good, help me get him up," Puck tells her.
While the two of them get Jesse situated, Brittany gets out the scissors. She then throws a pair of yellow rubber gloves at Puck.
"What are these for?"
"You're shaving his junk," Brittany tells him.
"No way in hell."
"Don't bother, Puckerman," Santana says. "It's already been decided."
"Fine," Puck agrees. "But you're giving him an extra dose of chloroform before we start that."
"That's fair," Brittany says.
Brittany then begins cutting off all the hair on Jesse's head. When it's almost buzz cut like, Santana pulls out an electric razor and shears off the rest.
"He looks good bald," Brittany says.
"He looks like a melon," Santana snarks.
"It's definitely different," Puck agrees.
Santana pulls out three cans of shaving cream and a pack of disposable razors while Brittany fills the sink with water. They smear the shaving cream everywhere and begin shaving all Jesse's body hair off. It takes some time, but soon he's as bare as a newborn.
"I still think one of you should do this," Puck says as Brittany and Santana reposition Jesse. "A dude shouldn’t shave another dude's package."
"Is that part of the bro code?" Santana asks.
"It's one of those implied things."
"Too bad, Pucky," Brittany says. "You were outvoted."
The girls take pity on him and each put on a yellow glove. They then cover the area with shaving cream before handing the gloves back over to Puck. Brittany rechloroforms Jesse as Puck prepares.
Looking pissed and grossed out, Puck grabs a new razor and goes to work. He's done quickly and it's a bit messy, but at least it's done.
Just to be malicious, Santana goes over the area with the electric razor to make sure they didn't miss anything.
"Why didn't we just use that for his whole body?" Puck asks.
"Because you didn't want to, remember?" Santana replies. "In case your mom comes home early and heard it? You said you didn't want to try to explain why you were in the bathroom with three chicks, a video camera and a naked dude."
"Oh. Yeah."
"So now what?"
"I still think we should pierce something," Brittany says. "I've got everything we need, including embarrassing earrings."
"Fine," Santana says. "While you're doing that, we can figure out where we're going to leave him."
They all watch as Brittany pulls out a large needle and a lighter. She runs the needle through the flame and pulls out a baggie of earrings.
First, she pierces both ears, putting in little snowmen with flashing red noses. Next, she pierces both nipples putting in small gold hoops. Finally, she pierces his nose, putting in a rainbow stud.
"That was… wow, Britt, I don't know what to say," Puck says. "How the hell did you learn to do that?"
"Learn? I didn't. I just did it."
"Whoa," Puck murmurs.
"There are no words for how I feel about you now," Tina says.
…
"I never would've pictured Jesse with plain old navy boxer briefs," Santana says as they're dressing him. "I was thinking something more pretentious like silk."
"Joke all you want, but silk feels really good around the junk," Puck says.
"A very important feature, I'm sure," Tina says.
"We need to figure out how we're going to get him out of here," Brittany interrupts.
"We've got one of those super large rolling suitcases," Puck replies. "We can probably squish him in there."
"Yeah, that could work."
…
The next morning the students of Carmel High are greet with the sight of a crucifixion blocking the front entrance.
It doesn't take long for a group to surround it. The duct tape over his mouth helps muffle his pleas for help. A lot of people recognize a pink polka dotted boxer clad Jesse St. James; it hasn't been that long, but no one seems willing to pull him down.
It might be because they're laughing at the sign around his neck.
I am a massive dickhead to make up for having a tiny penis.
The sign has a magnifying glass hanging from it; that was Santana's idea. There's also a smiley face on it; that was Brittany's idea.
Eventually someone gets a janitor who cuts him down and somehow manages to half catch him when he falls.
Everyone whoops and claps upon seeing this and goes inside.
Not knowing what else to do, Jesse borrows some gym clothes so he can get home without being arrested. He already has an idea of what those New Directions kids did to him, but he wants to fully examine himself in the privacy of his own home. So he thanks the janitor for pulling him down and the clothes and begins the long walk.
…
Rachel is at her locker getting her books for the day when Tina stops and hands her a DVD.
"It's not just from me," Tina tells her. "It's from Puck, Brittany and Santana too."
"Thanks Tina. What is it?"
"Something to make you smile when you're feeling down."
"Thanks." Rachel slips the DVD into her locker, closes it and heads to first period.
End
So the next fic is going to be Quinn throwing down the gauntlet and challenging Rachel, but I can't decide who should be the victor of such a confrontation, so tell me who you want to win.
Poll Rachel vs. Quinn: Thunderdome Style