fic: Keeping Up Appearances
Title: Keeping Up Appearances
Author: slacker_d
Pairing/Characters: Rachel/Santana, Puck, New Directions, Will, Sue, Emma
Rating: R
Summary: Puck comes up with an idea for a week long prank. Insanely, Rachel agrees.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: ~9,650
Spoilers: Not really.
A/N: Follows Breaking Into School is Easy to Do
2nd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
It all starts because of some random channel flipping. Puck has decided that this week's bro night should just be at Rachel's, watching TV, drinking and mocking said TV. Thankful there's nothing terribly elaborate in store for them tonight, Rachel agrees.
It's not that she doesn't enjoy the bro antics, but it's been a long week and she's not really in the mood to trek through the woods or hop fences or whatever craziness Puck might come up with.
They're stretched out on the couch when they stumbled onto the movie Freaky Friday. Not the Lindsey Lohan remake, but the original with Jodie Foster; which is why Rachel makes Puck stop so they can watch it.
They're both drinking. Rachel's decided to give beer another chance, though she still doesn't understand the appeal. But at least Puck's been harassing her less about her need to not drink. It's partly because of this that she's decided to indulge tonight.
Perhaps that's why she actually agrees with Puck's proposal.
"We should do that," Puck exclaims.
"Rent Freaky Friday?"
"No, pretend that it happened to us. We go into school and you can swagger about and I'll over explain everything."
"You'd have to clean up your speech considerably, Noah," Rachel tells him. "I am an impeccable speaker."
"Shit, don't remind me. I'll have to actually study or whatever. But still, wouldn't it be awesome?"
"I don’t know," Rachel says. "I know I'm able to stay in character for hours at a time, but what about you?"
"Hey, the Puckasauras can do anything he sets his mind to," Puck replies.
"You sound like a self esteem seminar."
"C'mon on, it'll be fun."
Rachel sighs and takes another sip of beer. "Fine. But only if we plan things out before hand. I want to be prepared for every contingency."
"Of course you do."
…
So the pair spends the next week preparing. Puck actually reads the SAT prep books his mother bought and he usually uses as footrests. Rachel attempts to learn about the video games Puck talks about.
"You're also going to have to flirt more," Puck tells her.
"I can do that."
"With girls that aren't Santana."
Rachel sighs. "Yes, I was afraid of that. She's not going to be very happy."
"She'll get over it."
"Hopefully," Rachel agrees. "But you have to use a stall when you urinate."
"What? Why?"
"Because I would," Rachel tells him. "And you're going to have to actually study, so you can answer questions in class."
"Fine," Puck grouses. "As long as you keep your hand down and at least look like you're not paying attention."
"That won't be a problem, trust me," Rachel replies. "I'm actually ahead in each class by approximately three weeks."
Puck just stares at her.
"In case something comes up and I'm not able to study, I won't fall behind."
"You're a freak."
Rachel sinks onto her bed. "I don't know if this is such a good idea."
"Because I called you a freak?"
"Not exactly."
"C'mon, Rach," Puck tries. "You've pulled a lot of shit lately, this is just one more. It's just a bit more elaborate than most."
"Yes, that is true, but this one focuses on mainly fooling our friends. I warned everyone about the sprinklers and the bathroom…"
"This is different," Puck tells her. "It's a mini mind fuck. It'll be fun. Besides, maybe if people actually think we've switched, you can ask them things that they'd never tell you."
"I admit that does sound appealing," Rachel allows. "But Santana hates surprises or being tricked."
"Or maybe she'll be impressed with your acting skills."
"And once Santana starts to figure it out, I'll be cut off."
"Ha!" Puck says. "The real reason."
"There's nothing wrong with wanting sex, Noah," Rachel says.
"Maybe so, but you can survive a few days."
"Of course that's true, but I don't want to. Have you seen my girlfriend?"
"Rachel, please," Puck says. "This is the most epically awesome prank idea I've managed to have in a long time. And I finally have someone capable of helping me pull it off. Finn's great and all, but he could never commit to anything lengthy. It has to be you."
"Thank you, Noah, that's flattering, but I'm really not--"
"We can do karaoke for bro night sometimes this month," Puck interrupts.
Rachel can only gape at him.
"We can do Summer Nights from Grease, and Paradise By the Dashboard Light, if you agree to do this and give it your usual Rachel Berry 150% effort."
"You swear?"
Puck nods.
"On the stack of pornography under your bed?"
"I do."
"Fine, then, we're doing this."
"Damn straight we are."
Rachel goes to her desk and pulls out a notebook. "Okay, so I think we know enough about each other's family to fake our way through that. You're going to actually do your homework and I won't pay attention."
"I can't believe you made a list for something you weren't even sure about."
"I had a bit of free time in class today."
"You're going to have to be a bit meaner to people," Puck tells her.
"I know. But you're going to have to be nice," Rachel replies. "So it's an even trade off."
"I'm just glad you're not getting slushied anymore."
"Yes, that would be very inconvenient to this plan," Rachel agrees. "And you'll be more enthusiastic in glee?"
"If you'll be more laid back."
"And then there's clothing," Rachel says. She drags Puck to her closet. "If you were me, what would you wear?"
"The shortest skirt possible," Puck grins.
Rachel sighs. "I figured you'd say that. Do you know how to walk in a skirt?"
"There's a difference?"
"Do you have any sweaters?"
"Don't worry, Berry," Puck assures her. "I have a bunch of sweaters my mom bought that I never wear. And some khakis. I figure that'll be as close to dressing as Rachel Berry as possible." Puck then looks through her closet and pulls out a couple t-shirts. "Is this a flannel?"
"Yes," Rachel replies. "Brittany gave it to me when I started dating Santana."
Puck adds it to the pile. "I've been listening to musicals this week, too. I won't be able to sing them on cue or anything, but hopefully it'll be enough to fool everyone," Puck says. "Oh and I came up with a couple Puck like nicknames you could give yourself."
"I'm impressed, Noah," Rachel says. "Even though this was your idea, I still had concerns that you wouldn't give it the proper level of commitment I give every prank I pull. I apologize."
"Thanks, I guess."
…
By the time they fall asleep Friday night, they have everything figured out to Rachel's satisfaction. Though Puck vows to never undertake an elaborate prank with Rachel again. Bro or not, the girl is just too detailed orientated. He knows he should be thankful, and he is, because the whole thing will be awesome, but he's exhausted.
…
Monday morning, it's actually Finn that notices it first. He meets up with Puck at his locker before class. Now that he and Rachel have become bros, Finn's sees Puck a little less than he used to, so he tries to hang out a bit more at school.
"Hey dude, how was your weekend?"
"It was adequate, I suppose," Puck replies. "Rachel and I had a lovely, relaxing time on Friday and then I managed to sleep away most of Saturday. And you?"
"Mine was cool," Finn replies, trying not to be weirded out. "Kurt made me watch Gypsy and it wasn't too bad."
"I'm glad to hear that you and Kurt are getting along so well."
"Yeah…it's great. Our parents are happy about it too." Finn finally feels comfortable commenting on Puck's outfit. "Dude, what are you wearing?"
Puck looks down at himself before meeting Finn's eyes. "I thought I would attempt something new."
"Why?"
"Why not?"
"Uh…"
"Well, I must be off to class," Puck announces.
"Uh, yeah. Later, dude."
…
Santana receives a text from Rachel during first period, which isn't all that unusual. However, the context of the text is.
wanna b in u so bad rite now babe meet me usual
Rachel doesn't usually initiate the sex at school, so Santana is distracted enough to not notice how not like her girlfriend, the text sounds. Instead, she simply excuses herself, citing Coach Sylvester and hurries to find Rachel.
…
"Hey, Rachel," Finn greets after first period.
He's sort of weirded out by Puck's behavior today. He's in Finn's first period and the guy was raising his hand and answering questions. Finn wonders if this was motivated by Rachel. So he's sought her out after first.
"What up, dude."
Finn does a triple take.
"Yo, silent night," Rachel says when Finn just stands there gaping. "How's it going?"
"Uh, fine, I guess."
"Great. Later."
"Bye, Rachel."
Now Finn is really confused. He can only stare after Rachel. It isn't until the warning bell rings that he is able to move from his spot.
…
During second period, Quinn is quickly unnerved by the silence and apathy coming from her Chem lab partner.
She'd been rather reluctant when Berry had suggested it at the beginning of the year, but she couldn’t fault the logic. Sure, they had glee in common as well as a connection to Santana, but in Quinn's mind that isn't enough. However, in terms of Quinn's academics, Berry really was the only choice because the rest of the class either annoyed the shit out of Quinn or didn't care enough to put forth any effort.
And it hasn't been as bad as she pictured. Yes, Berry does ramble on and on, but if Quinn asks, Berry will stop talking. And Berry always does her share. Because of the partnership, they both have a solid A in the class. It's the one subject that Quinn never worries about.
However, today, Quinn is worried. Berry's doing just enough to get by and isn't talking at all. In fact, Quinn is pretty sure that she's said more today than Berry has. And the blonde is pretty sure that has never happened.
The outfit threw her off initially as well. She didn't comment, though; not really in the mood for a Rachel Berry rant about clothing. But now, with the added odd behavior, Quinn is insanely curious. She won't ask; Quinn's somewhat worried about the answer.
…
Artie has pinched himself over a dozen times already and fourth period is only half over.
He shares the class with Puck and today Artie finds his behavior shocking. Not only is Puck raising his hand and offering answers, he appears to be correct. In fact, everyone in the class is thrown off. Artie can see the teacher staring warily at Puck as if she's expecting him to jump up and attack someone.
What makes the whole thing even more unbelievable is the clothing that Puck is wearing. He's dressed in perfectly pressed khakis and a argyle sweater. Artie wonders if he lost a bet with Rachel.
Artie sort of wishes that he and Puck were closer, so he could ask. Maybe he'll ask Kurt if Finn mentioned Puck suffering a concussion or something.
…
"What are you wearing?" Kurt asks as Rachel sits down for lunch.
"Trying something different," she replies, not really looking at him as she begins eating her lunch.
"Well, it works for you, girl," Mercedes says. "I didn't think you even owned jeans."
"Just full of surprises, huh?"
"What's Santana think of the new look?" Kurt asks.
"Didn't ask."
"I can't figure the two of you out," Mercedes says. "I'm starting to think you're just using each other for sex."
"So what if we are?"
The other four occupants of the table just gasp and stare at her. Ignoring them, she keeps eating.
"Uh, Rachel?" Artie starts. "Are you feeling all right?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"No offensive," Tina says. "But you're acting kind of strange."
"You guys need to chill out, is all."
They just keep staring at her.
"Right. As much fun as this isn't," Rachel says, standing. "I'm gonna go find the gf for a quickie, then."
They all watch her walk out of the lunchroom.
"What the hell is going on?" Kurt asks.
…
It isn't until lunch that Santana notices that something is up. Brittany is actually the one to bring it up.
"Have you talked to Rachel today?"
"Sort of," Santana replies. "Why?"
"She's acting weird," Brittany tells her. "She didn't answer one question in fourth. She didn't even look like she was paying attention."
"Maybe she's preoccupied with some glee thing," Santana offers
"And she's wearing jeans."
"What?" Santana thinks back to their first period encounter. Her girlfriend had been wearing jeans and a T-shirt. She'd been distracted since Rachel had pounced on her immediately. Santana had been too focused on Rachel's head under her Cheerios skirt to notice what she'd been wearing. And there hadn't been time to reciprocate. In fact, Rachel had simply left a lingering kiss once Santana's breathing had slowed and hurried off. Very strange indeed.
…
Will is having lunch in his office when Puck knocks on the door.
"Oh, hey, Puck."
"Mr. Schue," Puck says. "I was hoping to have a moment of your time."
"Of course," Will says. "Have a seat."
"Now I realize I haven't been the most vocal in what we should do in glee, but I have a few ideas, so I was hoping, you'd be open to them?"
"I'm always up for new ideas, Puck, you know that."
"Yes, right then. I was thinking we should do something from Company because Sondheim is a musical theater staple. And while Into the Woods is probably the most well known, it doesn't lend itself to being sung out of context as well as Company does."
"Uh, well, I guess that's true."
"I was thinking either Getting Married Today or The Ladies Who Lunch. Rachel could do either Amy or Joanne beautifully and I think I'd be excellent as Paul if you chose to do Getting Married Today. I'm not sure about the celestial singer. Maybe Mercedes?"
"Uh, maybe."
"There's also A Little Night Music," Puck continues. "Rachel would sing Send in the Clowns beautifully, don’t you think?"
"Well, I'm sure that Rachel appreciates the support, Puck," Will says. "But don't you have any ideas for something you want to do? A solo of your own?"
"Not at the moment, no," Puck replies. "Because I was uncertain how you would respond to a suggestion from me since I usually don't make them. Plus, I'm not really a solo type of guy."
"Right…" Will says. He's just noticed what Puck's wearing. The teen looks very preppy and un-Puck like. "My door is always open. I hope you'll remember that."
"Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Schue," Puck says, standing. "I must be off. I have several more things to accomplish before the end of lunch."
Will watches Puck exit his office and can only stare after him.
…
Santana receives another text from Rachel requesting sex. That alone is strange. She vows to pay more attention to what Rachel's wearing this time and not be distracted.
However, she is once again distracted. Rachel might be wearing jeans, but Santana can't be sure. Her girlfriend slams her against the bathroom wall of the handicap stall, while exposing whatever she feels is necessary. So despite being knuckle deep, Santana has no idea what Rachel was wearing below the waist.
Not that she's complaining. Rachel has three fingers thrusting into her as well and they're both desperately trying to get the other to come before the end of lunch bell rings.
They're both successful. The bell rings while they're catching their breath. Santana blinks, trying to remember what she wanted to ask Rachel, but is sidetracked by the sight of the diva sucking her fingers clean. Santana closes her eyes and groans; therefore missing Rachel redressing. She receives a quick, but tongue filled kiss and once again Rachel is gone before anything else can be said.
…
Standing at his locker, Kurt is pretty sure he's hallucinating. A few lockers down is Rachel Berry, shamelessly flirting with a freshman Cheerio. The girl is only an inch or two taller than Rachel, and the diva is leaning in closely as she smiles and winks. If the two were any closer, a piece of paper wouldn't fit in between them.
"Have I fallen into the twilight zone?" Kurt asks Mercedes when she approaches him.
Mercedes follows his line of sight. "Apparently we all have."
"Hope Santana doesn't see that," Kurt says.
"Who knows about those two? Remember what Rachel said at lunch?"
They watch as Rachel runs a finger down the freshman's uniform, stopping just above her breasts. Oddly, the girl doesn't seem to mind.
"It's like a car wreck," Kurt whispers. "I can't look away."
"What are you guys staring at?"
Mercedes and Kurt both jump in surprise. They turn to find Santana behind them.
"Nothing," Kurt mumbles.
"Whatever. Have you guys seen Rachel?" Santana asks. "I kinda need to talk to her."
"Rachel?"
"Uh…" Mercedes hems. "No, not recently."
"Is she wearing jeans today?"
It's an odd question, but Kurt just nods.
Santana scowls and stalks off.
When Kurt and Mercedes look back to the freshman, they find her alone, looking giddy.
"This is not good," Mercedes murmurs. "Not good at all."
…
Glad it's the end of the day, Finn is at his locker, getting rid of books when he notices Puck strolling down the hall. He still can't get over Puck's clothing choice for the day, but it's still not the strangest thing about him today.
Meanwhile Puck is making his way to his locker, totally ignoring two Cheerios very obviously trying to get his attention. Finn is flabbergasted. He's never seen Puck ignore two hot girls trying to get his attention. He once left Finn struggling with a couch the Puckerman's were getting rid of just to flirt with the cougar that was checking her mailbox.
Finn doesn't know what to think anymore.
…
Rachel is thankful that Santana isn't supposed to come over tonight. She knows she shouldn't, but Rachel realizes it will be more difficult to keep up the charade when it's just them one on one. So even though Rachel was at first annoyed that Santana had a family obligation she couldn't get out of, tonight it is a blessing.
However, the house is big and lonely. She's tempted to make Noah come over since he's the only one she doesn't have to keep up the act for. But she has homework to do and Rachel knows Noah would just be too distracting. Plus, since Santana will most likely be over tomorrow, Rachel knows she needs to either come up with another excuse or really work on being comfortable as Noah.
Or maybe she could just distract her with sex.
…
When he gets home, Puck quickly sheds his preppy clothing. Wearing it makes him feel dirty. He knows this whole thing was his brainchild, but he had no idea dressing like a male version of Rachel would feel so wrong.
The whole prank is exhausting; trying to keep his vocabulary perfect, answering questions in class while being peppy and upbeat is a lot of work. He doesn't know how Rachel does it every day. Because she's not like that on bro night. Well, the extensive vocabulary is the same, but the other stuff is different.
He's glad they're only going to keep this up for a week. He's not sure if he could do it much longer.
…
Tuesday, Artie is rolling down the halls when he notices Rachel, dressed again in jeans, flirting with a freshman theater geek. His shock is enough that he actually runs into someone. Thankfully, it's a teacher, so all that's necessary is an apology and he's not ruthlessly shoved into a wall.
Both girls are so focused on each other that Artie is able to wheel close enough to hear most of what's being said.
"…girlfriend won't mind?"
Rachel smirks. "Don't worry about her."
"You two are like the hottest couple in school."
"Well, I hate to do anything half way," Rachel says.
"Is it true that you two…" The geek stops, looks around and then leans in even closer, which Artie didn't think was possible. He strains, but he can't make out what she's whispering, but Rachel's grin in response is almost lewd.
Rachel nods. "It's why in some circles, I'm known as Rachosaurus Sex," Rachel murmurs.
Artie rolls his eyes, but the freshman giggles.
The bell rings and the two pull apart to a respectable distance.
"Bye Rachel."
"Later, baby."
Artie can only watch the pair walk away separately. He's insanely curious about what the freshman whispered that garnered such a reaction from Rachel, but at the same time, he figures he's better off not knowing. He shrugs and heads towards his first class.
…
Quinn is positive she's in the twilight zone. She's in her third period class and Puck has raised his hand and answered five questions correctly throughout the class discussion of the industrial revolution.
First Rachel yesterday in Chem and now Puck, Quinn's concerned there might be something in the water. Or maybe in the choir room.
Oh god, is she at risk?
What if Coach Sylvester is piping something in through the vents just to mess with Mr. Schue?
It makes sense. Rachel would be the most susceptible since she can't keep her mouth shut. While Puck sits in the back near the air vents. Quinn knows where they are because during her pregnancy, she was always hot and tried to never be near a vent blasting heat.
As Puck answers yet another question correctly, Quinn ponders if she has time over lunch to duck out and buy one of those bird flu masks to protect herself.
…
Mike and Finn are walking down the halls during lunch when they hear singing coming from the choir room. This isn't unusual. Rachel practices during lunch almost daily. However, this is a male voice.
Looking in the window on the door, they see Puck singing. He's sitting at the piano, playing with one hand as he sings.
Finn has to do a double take. He looks around the room for Rachel because that would be the only way Puck would be practicing at lunch. But Puck is alone.
They both listen to the words, but neither recognize the song. Though it does sound vaguely familiar to Finn and he wonders if it is one of over a dozen musicals Rachel made him listen to while lecturing him about its merits during their tenure as boyfriend and girlfriend.
"Puck's been hanging out way too much with Rachel," Mike says.
Finn definitely agrees.
…
Tina spends most of last period trying to figure Rachel out.
She's not the only one. Tina notices out of the corner of her eye, Santana staring at Rachel as well. She's still in her usual seat up front, but she's apparently doodling in her notebook and ignoring the teacher.
Mr. Kelvin keeps looking at Rachel whenever there's a lull in his speech, because usually the diva will take the opportunity to add something. Today, she just continues to draw.
Soon their classmates are starting to notice the odd behavior as well. The longer it goes on, the more unnerved everyone becomes.
Rachel had behavior similarly the day before, but Tina had been taking careful notes and had been somewhat distracted. Plus, she assumed, like everyone else did, that Rachel was just having an off day.
Apparently they were wrong.
…
Glee is where everyone really starts to become freaked out. Rachel is less than perfect and doesn't seem to care, while Puck is spot on and way too intense.
"Why don't we take a five minute breather?" Mr. Shue says after Rachel messes up for the third time.
Everyone gives a sigh of relief and relaxes. But it doesn't take long for them to become confused again. Puck goes to the piano and begins playing, while singing quietly under his breath. Rachel slumps into a chair, pulls out her cell phone and begins texting.
The rest of New Directions and Will are just staring when Santana phone beeps. She checks it; she has a text message from Rachel. Reading it, Santana blushes for the first time in a long time. Brittany notices and reads over her shoulder.
"You've really done that?" she asks Santana.
"Britt!" Santana quickly puts her phone away. However, it seems Rachel's not going to stop because Santana receives text after text until she turns it on vibrate.
u wld put it on vibrate, my dirty grl Santana reads just as Mr. Schue stands up.
"All right," Will says, clapping his hands. "Are we ready to try again?"
Everyone but Rachel stands up. She's still texting.
"Um, Rachel?" Will tries.
"You guys can start without me," she replies, waving them away.
This is technically true since it's a Kurt and Mercedes duet, but Rachel's never failed to participate even if she wasn't the lead.
"Rachel, don't be ridiculous," Puck says. "In order for us to properly practice, we need each and every one of us standing and giving our all. Or else we'll never be the best."
"Whatever."
"Rachel Berry," Puck continues. "I find your lack of enthusiasm to be extremely disconcerting. When one member of our team is so lackadaisical about rehearsal, we have no hopes of achieving anything."
"The Rachinator cares not."
Puck huffs, spins on his heel and performs a perfect diva storm out.
Silence falls over the room. They can only alternate their stares between where Puck, dressed in khakis and a polo, was and an apathetic and casually dressed Rachel Berry who seems more interested in her cell phone than her surroundings.
"Is this really happening?" Kurt says. "Or am I dreaming?"
"We're all dreaming then," Artie says.
"There must be something in the water," Tina mutters.
"We're all going to catch it," Quinn whispers loudly, but seemingly to herself. "I knew I should have gotten a mask."
Santana, Tina, Finn and Mike all look at Quinn in confusion. The rest follow suit when the blonde covers her mouth and slows her breathing.
Will, sensing he's lost control of the situation, ends glee practice early. Quinn hotfoots it out of the room while everyone else strolls out. Santana approaches her still texting girlfriend.
"So are we still on for tonight?" Santana asks.
"Sorry, babe, no can do," Rachel says. "Puck's coming over for some bro-ings on. You understand."
"Uh, sure , I guess," Santana replies. "It's just that you guys usually just do that on Fridays."
"Trying something new," Rachel shrugs.
"All right," Santana says. "It's just I kinda missed hanging with you last night."
"Me too, babe." Rachel is still texting.
"Tomorrow then?"
"Sure. Definitely. Whatever you want."
Santana is starting to feel like a third wheel in her own relationship.
…
Puck does go over to Rachel's that evening. They do homework and watch TV, purposely not talking about the situation they've created for themselves. Puck finds himself more worried about what it's doing to his rep, than he thought he would be. Rachel is very concerned about what this game playing is going to do to her relationship. But neither brings it up.
…
Rachel has been purposely avoiding having any real alone time with Santana for the duration of the prank. She figures it will be easier that way. Also, if she really had switched bodies with Puck, Rachel assumes he would also avoid Santana to avoid detection or something.
It's unfortunate though because she really misses Santana. Even if they don't see each other a lot at school, they still try to have some interaction. And having Santana over after dinner helps too.
Rachel wonders if she's becoming too codependent. She can barely stay away for a week to pull a prank. If her level of commitment wasn't so high, Rachel would have broke down and told Santana everything the night before; which is why she dissuaded Santana from hanging out. She hopes Santana isn't too pissed at her.
…
Brittany and Santana are walking towards their lockers before school when Santana stops short. There in the hall is her girlfriend, clearly and obviously flirting with a senior soccer player. Santana's eyes narrow in jealousy because she knows for a fact that Michelle Jamieson has been wanting to get into Rachel's pants since Santana started dating her. The Latina's never brought it up to Rachel because she hates playing the part of a jealous lover.
But seeing the two huddle together, whispering and giggling is enough to stir up anger and resentment in Santana. She clenches her fists to stop herself from marching over and breaking the soccer forward's leg. Santana wants to rip her arm off and beat her with it, but the bitch would still technically be able to play soccer.
Brittany wisely leads Santana away before she can do any damage.
…
Santana decides to confront Rachel about her strange behavior the past couple days. The mystery of it all is driving her crazy. And seeing Rachel flirt with other girls is killing her. Besides, she misses her girlfriend.
She feels like a sap just thinking it. What started as something fun and carefree has actually become a real relationship, Santana is shocked to realize.
Santana had been annoyed at first that Rachel had demanded exclusivity despite them both agreeing to keep things causal. But Rachel promised to make it worth her wild and it definitely has been. She didn't think it was possible after seeing the disastrous relationship that was Finn and Rachel or even Jesse and Rachel, but dating Rachel Berry has turned out to be fun.
Santana wants to get that back.
…
Normally if Santana wanted Rachel's attention, she'd just text a booty call, but she has a feeling that it would end like the other meetings this week. She's not complaining, definitely not complaining, but she can't allow herself to be distracted this time.
Instead, she has Brittany text Rachel asking to meet at the second floor janitor's closet. This is where the couple have most of their arguments at school. Santana figures she'll have the edge enough to be able to dictate the meeting.
Santana arrives before Rachel, but stays quiet when her girlfriend enters.
"C'mon, S," Rachel says. "I know you were behind the text."
"We need to talk."
"If you say so, babe."
They stand in silence because Santana assumes Rachel will begin rambling immediately just as she usually does. When a while minute passes in silence, Santana lets out a frustrated groan.
"You have nothing to say?" she asks.
"Hey, you're the one that wanted to talk," Rachel points out.
"And you don't have a clue what about?"
"Naw," Rachel replies. "Way I see it, we're all good."
Incredulous, Santana's eyes widen as she stares at Rachel, trying to figure her out. "What the hell is going on with you this week?"
"No idea what you're talking about," Rachel replies.
"Don't play dumb, Berry," Santana says. "You're not good at it."
"You say the sweetest things, babe."
"So you're not going to tell me what the hell is up with you?"
"Like I said," Rachel answers. "No idea what you're talking about."
"And that soccer bitch you were flirting with this morning?"
"Harmless flirting," Rachel replies. "Means nothing. You do it."
"True," Santana agrees. "But you never have… And I just thought…"
Santana actually feels hurt by Rachel's nonchalant attitude. It's different than the usual casualness that's surrounded their relationship. It feels like Rachel doesn't care, but that can't be right, can it?
"Ah, babe, don't be like that," Rachel says.
"I, uh, I can't have this discussion at school," Santana tells her.
"Fair enough. Wanna fool around, instead?"
"Don't be an idiot," Santana snaps. "I'll talk to you later."
Santana stomps off leaving Rachel alone in the closet.
…
Wednesday at lunch, New Directions minus Puck and Rachel meet in the choir room to discuss the situation.
"We've all noticed it, right?" Kurt asks.
"It's rather impossible to miss," Artie says.
"Yeah, but what the fuck is going on?" Santana growls.
"We've fallen into some weird alternate dimension," Tina suggests.
"It's like Face/Off without the crazy surgery," Brittany says.
Everyone stops and looks at Brittany.
"Oh my god," Kurt says. "You're totally right."
"It is like they've switched bodies," Mercedes adds.
"So what do we do about it?" Quinn asks. "Because this new Rachel is messing up my Chem grade."
"Glee's suffering too," Mike says.
"Yeah, who knew that Rachel's insane focus is actually helping us," Mercedes says.
"Maybe they both need to be struck by lightning," Brittany suggests. "Like those guys in that movie. They wore underwear on their head."
Everyone pauses and tries to figure out what movie Brittany is talking about.
"I don't think that'll help, Britt," Santana says.
"So what do we do?" Finn asks.
"We confront them," Artie proposes. "Maybe they're aware of what happened and are working to fix it."
"What if they're not?" Tina asks.
"Then hopefully our confrontation will enlighten them and we can work towards a solution," Artie replies.
"I kinda feel reality slipping away," Quinn says.
"Join the club," Santana tells her.
…
Wednesday afternoon during Cheerios' practice, Santana finds herself distracted. Thankfully, after so long under Sue Sylvester's tutelage, she has enough muscle memory to be able to go through the motions. She knows she's not the perfection Coach Sylvester demands, but she hopes it's enough to slip by.
She just can't get her confrontation with Rachel earlier out of her head. The utter apathy that seemed to be oozing from her was more hurtful than she'd ever thought it be.
Maybe because Santana just realized today that she's in love with Rachel.
They haven't said the words yet. Santana knows this is more because of her than Rachel. However, she isn't a hundred percent sure that Rachel would use the L word about their relationship. For the most part, serious discussion isn't really a part of their repertoire. Once again, Santana feels this is more her doing than Rachel's.
"Sloppy, Lopez!" Coach yells into her bullhorn. "Stop thinking about Berry's ass and concentrate or you'll be doing suicides until you puke. And then you'll do one hundred more."
…
Rachel figures she better make an effort if she wants to salvage her relationship. Hopefully, Santana will understand if it's all for a prank. Rachel infers she will be since Santana's been more than okay with her prank playing side.
She sends Santana a text.
u stll stppng by 2nite
Rachel knows Santana is at Cheerios practice, currently, so she dives into her homework and waits for a reply.
…
Santana feels a bit more reassured when she receives the text from Rachel, but practice was especially brutal and she's too exhausted to argue anymore today, so she decides to put it off and hope that tomorrow morning Rachel will wake up and be her usual self. So she sends a text simply saying good night.
2 trd c u tmrw nite
…
Thursday morning, Rachel finds herself in Sue Sylvester's office.
"We need to talk Rizzo," Sue says.
Rachel slumps into a chair and puts a foot up on the desk.
Sue knocks it down and sits up a bit straighter.
"I believe I speak for everyone in this pathetic place when I ask, what game are you playing?"
Rachel ignores her.
"Don't play that game with me, Roxanne. I'm much better at it than you could ever hope to be."
Rachel continues to ignore her.
"And look at me when I'm talking," Sue continues. "One should always acknowledge one's superior."
"Whatever you say."
"Lopez's been sloppy this week," Sue explains. "And I feel confident in saying that it's your doing, Rochelle."
"Don’t see how," Rachel replies. "My job is to keep her happy in the sack. It's your job to keep her in line at practice."
"Well then you're not keeping up your end of the bargain," Sue tells her. "Because I'm doing nothing different. You're the one's that acting like a damn lunatic."
"People are just afraid of change," Rachel muses.
"Change is bad," Sue says. "Unless it's change I instigate. Change back and fix this. Or I'll be going after your precious little glee club with renewed focus. If you think it was bad before, you're very, very wrong, Rebecca."
Rachel still looks bored. "Can I go now?"
"Dismissed."
…
Brittany finds Rachel in between first and second period.
"Hey, Rachel," she says. "I got this for you." She hands Rachel a yard long metal pole.
"Uh, thanks, Britt," Rachel replies.
"It's to fix you and Puck."
"Fix?"
"Yeah, you guys are all mixed up and it's freaking people out. So I got this to fix you guys. I got one for Puck too." She holds up another metal pole.
"I don't know what to do with this."
"You guys each need to hold one," Brittany explains. "And then when it's lightning out, you guys hold hands and get struck by lightning. It'll fix you."
"Right," Rachel nods. "Can you hold onto these until it rains? And then we'll try it."
"Okay. Cool." Brittany accepts the metal pole back and marches down the hallway.
…
Will isn't sure what to expect for this afternoon's glee practice. With the personality switch that Puck and Rachel seem to have experienced, everything feels out of sync. It doesn't help that it's throwing the rest of the kids off as well.
He considers confronting them about it, but he isn't exactly sure what that would accomplish. Or more precisely, he doesn't know what he would say.
Because, truthfully, while he has concerns about glee and whatever Rachel and Puck are going through, he's mostly freaked out by it. Hearing Puck speak perfect, precise English is frightening while seeing Rachel's apathy and disinterest is unnerving. He never thought it possible but he'd much rather see Rachel pull a diva moment than sit idly in a chair, seemingly bored.
The only solution he can think of is to have Emma speak to them. Maybe she can figure out what exactly is happening. Especially since Will has the slight fear that this personality switch will begin a chain reaction of other switches. And if Mercedes starts acting like Kurt and vice versa, he might have to quit glee club.
…
Puck is dragged into Coach Sylvester's office after third period. He protests about missing class, but is easily ignored as he's pushed into a chair. Despite his grumbling, he sits attentively waiting for Sue to speak
Sue admits to herself that the apparent transformation is creepingly accurate. Perhaps this is some merit to the body swapping rumor that Brittany started. Though Sue is leaning more towards a Stepford Wives sort of moment.
She'd seen the girl walking around caring two metal poles. Despite not asking, Sue was treated to a monologue about how she was going to fix Mohawk and Streisand. She would normally tell her to save it for someone who cares, but instead found herself intrigued. The girl might have insane ideas, but Sue admires that imagination and determination. It's what makes her an excellent Cheerio.
"You and I need to talk," Sue begins. "Despite not caring about most of the miscreants roaming the halls of this pathetic institution, I couldn't help but notice the transformation that has occurred in you and your girlfriend."
"I don't have a girlfriend."
"Don't play stupid with me, Bobby Brown. Your and Whitney's change in behavior is slowly disturbing some of my best Cheerios. And we both know how unacceptable that is. So fix it."
"Coach Sylvester," Puck begins. "While I appreciate your peripheral concern, I hardly know how to respond to your accusations. Rachel and I are just fine; and frankly, I'm quite confused by what all the fuss is about."
"Oh you're good, Norman. I must confess to being mildly impressed. I would have thought your head too empty to properly execute such a feat."
"I don't have to sit here and be insulted," Puck says standing. "I supposed to be in English now, so I must be going." Puck hold out his hand for the pass Coach Sylvester promised him.
"If I don't hand over the pass, what are you going to do?"
"I have other means at my disposal to ensure I do not receive a tardy on my record," Puck informs her.
"I'm sure you do. Which is good because you're going to have to employ them." Sue pulls out her journal. "Dismissed."
Puck huffs and stomps out.
…
Emma isn't sure why she agreed to this. She's fairly certain she doesn't know how to counsel someone about a personality switch. If that's even what happened. She's really not qualified to make that diagnosis. But those were the words Will used to describe what happened to Puck and Rachel.
She'd seen them around school and noticed a clothing change, but actually seeing the pair in action so to speak is a whole other experience.
Puck is perched in one chair looking attentive and respectful. He's wearing khakis and a sweater vest. Meanwhile Rachel is slumped in her chair, texting. She's wearing jeans, converse sneakers and a gray hoodie. The image is a bit unnerving. Especially because the last time either of them were in her office, they were doing exactly what the other is doing.
Maybe Will is right about the swapping thing.
"Before we begin," Emma starts. "I would just like to say that no one is making accusations or criticizing. It's just that your fellow glee clubbers have noticed odd behavior from the two of you this week and I was asked to check in, make sure everything is all right."
"Everything is just fine," Puck says. "Thank you for asking."
"What he says," Rachel adds, not looking up.
"Be that as it may," Emma continues. "There are some concerns that I feel need to be addressed."
"Such as?" Puck asks.
"Your wardrobe changes, for one."
Puck looks down at his clothing. "What's wrong with it? Do I not look like a respectable young man?"
"Oh you do, you do," Emma assures him. "It's just a bit different than what we're used to seeing you in."
"You look like a douche bag," Rachel mutters.
"Rachel Berry, words can hurt," Puck tells her. "You apologize this instant."
Rachel sighs. "I'm sorry…you look like a douche bag."
"You aren't a very nice bro," Puck replies.
"Guys, please, we're getting off topic."
Puck crosses his arms and faces away from Rachel.
"And your clothing choices are different than your usual fare as well, Rachel."
"So?"
Emma doesn't have a response to this. She sighs. She definitely doesn't have the training for this.
"There's nothing either of you want to talk about? Problems at home?"
"I resent that," Puck says. "Just because I was raised in a single parent household and Rachel has two gay dads, doesn't automatically mean we're going to have problems at home. The implications of that question is quite insulting."
"I'm sorry, Puck," Emma replies. "That wasn't my intention. It's just that many of the students I talk to do have problems at home. It's usually an excellent jumping off point."
"Apology accepted, I suppose."
"Rachel," Emma says. "Anything you'd like to discuss?"
"Nope."
Emma sighs again. "Fine. You both can go." She hands them hall passes. "But my door is always open if you ever want to talk. I'm always ready to listen."
"Thank you, Ms. Pillsbury," Puck says. "Though I don't foresee myself visiting you, I appreciate the sentiment."
He accepts the pass and walks out.
Rachel just grabs the pass and leaves.
Unsure what to think, Emma can only stare after them.
…
In glee, Puck and Rachel find themselves surrounded by the others.
"We know what's going on," Artie says.
Rachel looks up from her cell phone, bored.
"What are you guys talking about?" Puck asks.
"You guys have been acting like each other all week," Kurt says.
"It's creepy," Mercedes adds.
"You guys are creepy," Rachel says. "What is this? An intervention?"
Everyone looks at each other.
"Yeah, it's an intervention," Quinn says.
"I still think we should use lightning," Brittany offers.
"It's not raining out, Britt," Rachel tells her.
"Oh, well, then when it does rain."
"I can't wait that long," Quinn announces.
"Neither can we," Kurt agrees.
"There's nothing that needs to be fixed," Puck says.
"Says you," Finn counters. "You're weirding us all out dude."
"Yeah."
"We just miss the old Rachel and Puck," Tina says.
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Kurt pipes up. "But I agree with Tina. I miss the old Rachel."
"Your support is overwhelming, Hummel," Rachel replies.
"We should really be rehearsing," Puck interjects. "All that matters at the moment is that we're here to sing. We're losing valuable practice time right now debating this inconsequential issue. Where's Mr. Schue?"
"He's staying out of it," Mercedes says.
"He seems to be having the worst reaction out of all us," Mike says. "Maybe we should be concerned about that too."
"One crisis at a time," Tina says.
"Maybe we need to hit them both over the head," Santana suggests. "Knock some sense back into them."
"Whoa," Puck says. "Violence is never the answer."
"The first person that tries to hit me is going to be very sorry," Rachel growls.
Everyone, including Puck, takes a step back.
"Okay, so no violence then," Kurt agrees.
No one volunteers another idea.
"It seems we're at an impasse," Puck says. "I propose we all internally ponder a solution at a later date and work on our material for Regionals."
"No," Santana says. "We have to figure this out."
"Don't be like that, babe," Rachel tells her. "It's all good. The Rachosaurus Rex is doing just fine."
Mike, Kurt, Mercedes, Quinn and Santana all do an actual double take at those words. Finn's jaw actually drops, while Tina and Artie pinch each other to make sure they're awake. Brittany fist bumps Rachel.
Will then choose this moment to peek in. "Everything worked out?"
"I believe so, Mr. Schue," Puck says. "Though I have a feeling you wouldn't agree. Nonetheless I suggest we move onto more important issues. Regionals for example."
Will sighs in defeat. "Fine. Let's get to work."
…
Rachel is surprised when the doorbell rings that night. It's Santana for their usual after dinner routine. Rachel's worried about being able to keep up the façade while arguing. She's fully expecting Santana to keep pressing the issue.
Instead, they watch TV and make out on the couch. And when Rachel's hand strays into Santana's spankies, Santana simply grins and pulls Rachel up to her room.
…
Friday is the last day of this personality switch prank and for that, Rachel is extremely grateful. This has been an exhausting week. It has definitely put her acting skills to the test. She's certainly never agreeing to a week long prank again, no matter what Noah promises.
Though she is looking forward to collecting.
She's also glad this is the last day she'll be wearing jeans to school for a while. She misses her skirts.
…
Puck is more relieved than he'll ever admit that he's glad this whole prank is almost over. He knows it was his idea and he definitely thinks it's been epic, but he can admit, at least to himself, that he's worn out. Pretending to be someone else is tiring.
Maybe he should have picked someone more laid back. Being Rachel Berry is strenuous. He loves her like a bro, but walking a week in her shoes was just a little too much for him.
Next time he'll just have to settle with a one time prank; nothing long and drawn out.
…
At lunch, Santana decides to just embrace this new Rachel. She doesn't know what else to do. So she starts sexting during fourth and Rachel eagerly seeks her out during lunch.
They don't talk and Santana tries not to be too weirded out by the wardrobe or inelegant speech. She instead attempts to focus on the benefits of this 180; such as the apparent need of Rachel's to get her off multiple times before lunch is over. Santana certainly has no complaints about that.
…
Friday night is a relief. Puck and Rachel are once again hanging out at her house. Tonight they're comparing notes on the week and the success of the prank. Puck is more enthusiastic about everything than Rachel is. She's mostly worried about her girlfriend.
"It'll be fine, Rach," Puck assures her. "Once you tell her what it was all about. She's never minded your pranks before."
"Because she was exempt from them," Rachel reminds him. "This is very different."
"You worry too much, Berry. The cool thing about you guys is how you go with the flow or whatever. You need to relax and not worry about it. You're seeing her in the morning still, right?"
Rachel nods.
"Maybe you should meet her here so you can talk."
"That's not a bad idea, Noah," Rachel agrees. "That way when she yells at me, we won't have any spectators."
"That's the spirit."
"Or witnesses when she assaults me."
"She wouldn't do that," Puck protests.
"Perhaps not," Rachel replies. "But one like to be prepared for all contingencies."
Rachel texts Santana while she knows her girlfriend is still awake. She's relieved she can return to her normal mode of texting.
Can we meet at my place tomorrow instead?
She receives a response almost immediately.
k
"Excellent," Rachel says. "One more thing settled. So what are we doing tonight? Because I don't think I'm up for just hanging."
"Glad to hear it," Puck tells her. "Because I have an idea for a prank. Sort of a culmination to the week."
"Fine, let's hear it."
…
Rachel's thankful that Puck suggested another prank. She could use the distraction. She easily picks the lock and they're back in McKinley.
Rachel'll admit she's not entirely sure about this prank. And not just because it was Noah's idea. It sounds like a lot more work than her usual pranks, but it sounds like he has it all planned out, so Rachel's going to try and go with the flow.
It's a week of firsts for her already. What's one more?
…
Hours later, they're done. Rachel vows not to agree to anything Noah suggests ever again. She wouldn't have thought it, but his ideas are more complicated than hers. If it wasn't for her daily regimen of exercise every morning, Rachel isn't sure she'd been able to pull this one off. Thank god, Noah actually took the time to plan the whole thing out. And god bless whoever came up with the idea of the nail gun. Because otherwise, Rachel has a feeling, they'd still be working. And she could use some sleep.
They quickly clean up and evacuate.
"You know we spend a lot of additional time at a place we claim to hate, Noah," Rachel says.
"It's a different place at night."
"I suppose that's true," Rachel allows. "But it's something to ponder."
"Well, now that you're Rachel Berry again, I guess you can do that."
"Yes, I believe I can."
…
Saturday morning, Puck is gone by the time Santana arrives. Even though they've seemed to reach a tentative accord about her sharing a bed with Noah, Rachel doesn't want to push her boundaries more than she already has this week.
Rachel is sipping coffee in the kitchen when Santana walks in. She goes to the cupboard and gets her own mug. Rachel just watches her pour herself a cup.
"I owe you a massive apology," Rachel says once Santana's sitting across from her.
"Do you?"
"Just let me explain."
Santana nods.
"Noah wanted to attempt what he called an epic prank. He's apparently never had someone to do so with."
"What about Hudson?"
"Evidently Finn wasn't a proper candidate."
Santana snorts. "I could have told you that."
Rachel ignores her. "So he suggested we act as if we experienced a freaky Friday type moment for the week. We'd pretend to be each other and see how everyone reacts. And then we'll go in on Monday like last week never happened."
Santana doesn't say anything.
"I realize that I should have spoken to you about it, but I didn't want to chance the prank. As I'm sure you are aware, when I commit to something, I do it fully."
Santana nods.
"However, I also realize I may have inadvertently done some damage to our relationship, which of course was never my intention. There were multiple moments throughout the week where I was desperate to tell you, but I promised Noah that I would give it the full Rachel Berry intensity and so I couldn’t."
"What did Puck promise you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I know you, Rach," Santana says. "You would have had a lot of concerns about this. So the only way Puck would be able to convince you is a bribe. So I ask again, what did Puck promise you?"
"A karaoke bro night."
"That would do it."
"You understand, I couldn’t say no after he offered that," Rachel explains.
"You wouldn’t be the girl I love if you did."
"Exactly. I wouldn't be--I'm sorry, what did you just say?" Rachel asks.
Santana winces. That wasn't how she'd planned on telling Rachel. "I love you."
Rachel just stares. Seconds become minutes.
"I can't stay here," Santana says, standing. "I shouldn't have--I need to go."
"No wait," Rachel says, grabbing Santana's arm. "I love you too. I just didn't expect you to say it out loud."
"Ever?"
"I've known for a while, Santana," Rachel replies. "You might not say it, but you show it plenty. Trust me."
"Yeah?"
"You do."
"So you weren't flirting with those girls to teach me a lesson?"
"Of course not," Rachel tells her. "That's not how Rachosaurus Rex rolls." Rachel chuckles at Santana's horrified look. "Sorry. Couldn't resist. But no, I wasn't trying to teach you a lesson. I was just playing a part. I'm sorry about Michelle Jamieson, but she approached me and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity."
"You know?"
"Santana, please," Rachel says. "Do you know how many times she's shoved her cleavage in my face this past month?"
Santana growls.
"Neither do I," Rachel continues. "Because I've lost track. That's how many times she's done it."
"She's dead," Santana says.
"Leave it be," Rachel replies. "It'll piss her off more to know her efforts are still unsuccessful. She prides herself on having the best rack in McKinley, you know."
"I'm starting to regret leaving you alone with Puck so often."
…
Monday morning Rachel shows up at McKinley wearing her usual sweater and skirt ensemble. She walks to her locker as if nothing's different.
"Rachel!"
Rachel turns just in time to receive a full tackling hug from Brittany. They slam into the bank of lockers.
"Morning, Britt," she manages to wheeze out. "Problems breathing."
Brittany releases her and claps her hands. "It worked. There wasn’t any lightning this weekend, but I knew it'd work anyhow."
"I suppose it did."
"I'm glad you're back, Rach," Brittany continues. "S missed you. A lot."
"She did?"
"Yeah, she was really sad Friday night, but now that you're back, she'll be happy again. Right?"
"I believe so, Britt," Rachel replies. "I plan on making it up to her. I promise."
"Good. I knew you would," Brittany says. "Cause you're a really nice girlfriend."
"Thanks Brittany."
…
Puck is back in jeans and a t-shirt as he struts through the halls. He stops to flirt with some Cheerios.
"Hey, dude," Finn says, approaching.
"Hudson, can't you see I'm busy?"
Finn eyes the giggling Cheerios. "Yeah, I can see that. But did you hear? Someone nailed all the furniture in the teacher's lounge to the ceiling."
"Really? Awesome."
"Didn't you always want to do that?"
"Yeah and you said it wasn't possible," Puck replied. "So now I can say, I told you so. Cause it so obvious is."
"Yeah. Yeah. Too bad you didn't pull it off yourself."
"Yeah, too bad," Puck says. "Now scram. Cindy, Brandi and I were having a very important discussion."
"Whatever, dude."
…
"I'm impressed with your carpentry skills," Santana tells Rachel between third and fourth.
"That was all Noah," Rachel replies. "I was just along for the ride."
"I figured as much," Santana says. "For some reason, this one just didn't feel like you."
"I didn't realize my pranks had personality."
"Well, they do."
"Hmmm," Rachel replies. "That's an interesting concept. I suppose if inanimate objects can seemingly have personalities than actions could as well. Or more specifically concepts that require the follow up of actions. Either way, it begs the question, do my pranks have a certain flavor that is unique to me. And if so, does that change when I'm exposed to other influences? And will Noah's ideas be affected by mine?"
Santana leans in for a kiss. Rachel tangles her tongue with Santana's and when the pair finally break apart, they once again have an audience that they easily ignore.
"I've missed those rants," Santana tells her.
Rachel grins. "I've missed them too."
"Walk you to class?"
Rachel nods and curls their fingers together. Linking pinkies is strictly a BrittanyandSantana thing. Disregarding the stares, Santana walks Rachel to class.
Author: slacker_d
Pairing/Characters: Rachel/Santana, Puck, New Directions, Will, Sue, Emma
Rating: R
Summary: Puck comes up with an idea for a week long prank. Insanely, Rachel agrees.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: ~9,650
Spoilers: Not really.
A/N: Follows Breaking Into School is Easy to Do
2nd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
It all starts because of some random channel flipping. Puck has decided that this week's bro night should just be at Rachel's, watching TV, drinking and mocking said TV. Thankful there's nothing terribly elaborate in store for them tonight, Rachel agrees.
It's not that she doesn't enjoy the bro antics, but it's been a long week and she's not really in the mood to trek through the woods or hop fences or whatever craziness Puck might come up with.
They're stretched out on the couch when they stumbled onto the movie Freaky Friday. Not the Lindsey Lohan remake, but the original with Jodie Foster; which is why Rachel makes Puck stop so they can watch it.
They're both drinking. Rachel's decided to give beer another chance, though she still doesn't understand the appeal. But at least Puck's been harassing her less about her need to not drink. It's partly because of this that she's decided to indulge tonight.
Perhaps that's why she actually agrees with Puck's proposal.
"We should do that," Puck exclaims.
"Rent Freaky Friday?"
"No, pretend that it happened to us. We go into school and you can swagger about and I'll over explain everything."
"You'd have to clean up your speech considerably, Noah," Rachel tells him. "I am an impeccable speaker."
"Shit, don't remind me. I'll have to actually study or whatever. But still, wouldn't it be awesome?"
"I don’t know," Rachel says. "I know I'm able to stay in character for hours at a time, but what about you?"
"Hey, the Puckasauras can do anything he sets his mind to," Puck replies.
"You sound like a self esteem seminar."
"C'mon on, it'll be fun."
Rachel sighs and takes another sip of beer. "Fine. But only if we plan things out before hand. I want to be prepared for every contingency."
"Of course you do."
…
So the pair spends the next week preparing. Puck actually reads the SAT prep books his mother bought and he usually uses as footrests. Rachel attempts to learn about the video games Puck talks about.
"You're also going to have to flirt more," Puck tells her.
"I can do that."
"With girls that aren't Santana."
Rachel sighs. "Yes, I was afraid of that. She's not going to be very happy."
"She'll get over it."
"Hopefully," Rachel agrees. "But you have to use a stall when you urinate."
"What? Why?"
"Because I would," Rachel tells him. "And you're going to have to actually study, so you can answer questions in class."
"Fine," Puck grouses. "As long as you keep your hand down and at least look like you're not paying attention."
"That won't be a problem, trust me," Rachel replies. "I'm actually ahead in each class by approximately three weeks."
Puck just stares at her.
"In case something comes up and I'm not able to study, I won't fall behind."
"You're a freak."
Rachel sinks onto her bed. "I don't know if this is such a good idea."
"Because I called you a freak?"
"Not exactly."
"C'mon, Rach," Puck tries. "You've pulled a lot of shit lately, this is just one more. It's just a bit more elaborate than most."
"Yes, that is true, but this one focuses on mainly fooling our friends. I warned everyone about the sprinklers and the bathroom…"
"This is different," Puck tells her. "It's a mini mind fuck. It'll be fun. Besides, maybe if people actually think we've switched, you can ask them things that they'd never tell you."
"I admit that does sound appealing," Rachel allows. "But Santana hates surprises or being tricked."
"Or maybe she'll be impressed with your acting skills."
"And once Santana starts to figure it out, I'll be cut off."
"Ha!" Puck says. "The real reason."
"There's nothing wrong with wanting sex, Noah," Rachel says.
"Maybe so, but you can survive a few days."
"Of course that's true, but I don't want to. Have you seen my girlfriend?"
"Rachel, please," Puck says. "This is the most epically awesome prank idea I've managed to have in a long time. And I finally have someone capable of helping me pull it off. Finn's great and all, but he could never commit to anything lengthy. It has to be you."
"Thank you, Noah, that's flattering, but I'm really not--"
"We can do karaoke for bro night sometimes this month," Puck interrupts.
Rachel can only gape at him.
"We can do Summer Nights from Grease, and Paradise By the Dashboard Light, if you agree to do this and give it your usual Rachel Berry 150% effort."
"You swear?"
Puck nods.
"On the stack of pornography under your bed?"
"I do."
"Fine, then, we're doing this."
"Damn straight we are."
Rachel goes to her desk and pulls out a notebook. "Okay, so I think we know enough about each other's family to fake our way through that. You're going to actually do your homework and I won't pay attention."
"I can't believe you made a list for something you weren't even sure about."
"I had a bit of free time in class today."
"You're going to have to be a bit meaner to people," Puck tells her.
"I know. But you're going to have to be nice," Rachel replies. "So it's an even trade off."
"I'm just glad you're not getting slushied anymore."
"Yes, that would be very inconvenient to this plan," Rachel agrees. "And you'll be more enthusiastic in glee?"
"If you'll be more laid back."
"And then there's clothing," Rachel says. She drags Puck to her closet. "If you were me, what would you wear?"
"The shortest skirt possible," Puck grins.
Rachel sighs. "I figured you'd say that. Do you know how to walk in a skirt?"
"There's a difference?"
"Do you have any sweaters?"
"Don't worry, Berry," Puck assures her. "I have a bunch of sweaters my mom bought that I never wear. And some khakis. I figure that'll be as close to dressing as Rachel Berry as possible." Puck then looks through her closet and pulls out a couple t-shirts. "Is this a flannel?"
"Yes," Rachel replies. "Brittany gave it to me when I started dating Santana."
Puck adds it to the pile. "I've been listening to musicals this week, too. I won't be able to sing them on cue or anything, but hopefully it'll be enough to fool everyone," Puck says. "Oh and I came up with a couple Puck like nicknames you could give yourself."
"I'm impressed, Noah," Rachel says. "Even though this was your idea, I still had concerns that you wouldn't give it the proper level of commitment I give every prank I pull. I apologize."
"Thanks, I guess."
…
By the time they fall asleep Friday night, they have everything figured out to Rachel's satisfaction. Though Puck vows to never undertake an elaborate prank with Rachel again. Bro or not, the girl is just too detailed orientated. He knows he should be thankful, and he is, because the whole thing will be awesome, but he's exhausted.
…
Monday morning, it's actually Finn that notices it first. He meets up with Puck at his locker before class. Now that he and Rachel have become bros, Finn's sees Puck a little less than he used to, so he tries to hang out a bit more at school.
"Hey dude, how was your weekend?"
"It was adequate, I suppose," Puck replies. "Rachel and I had a lovely, relaxing time on Friday and then I managed to sleep away most of Saturday. And you?"
"Mine was cool," Finn replies, trying not to be weirded out. "Kurt made me watch Gypsy and it wasn't too bad."
"I'm glad to hear that you and Kurt are getting along so well."
"Yeah…it's great. Our parents are happy about it too." Finn finally feels comfortable commenting on Puck's outfit. "Dude, what are you wearing?"
Puck looks down at himself before meeting Finn's eyes. "I thought I would attempt something new."
"Why?"
"Why not?"
"Uh…"
"Well, I must be off to class," Puck announces.
"Uh, yeah. Later, dude."
…
Santana receives a text from Rachel during first period, which isn't all that unusual. However, the context of the text is.
wanna b in u so bad rite now babe meet me usual
Rachel doesn't usually initiate the sex at school, so Santana is distracted enough to not notice how not like her girlfriend, the text sounds. Instead, she simply excuses herself, citing Coach Sylvester and hurries to find Rachel.
…
"Hey, Rachel," Finn greets after first period.
He's sort of weirded out by Puck's behavior today. He's in Finn's first period and the guy was raising his hand and answering questions. Finn wonders if this was motivated by Rachel. So he's sought her out after first.
"What up, dude."
Finn does a triple take.
"Yo, silent night," Rachel says when Finn just stands there gaping. "How's it going?"
"Uh, fine, I guess."
"Great. Later."
"Bye, Rachel."
Now Finn is really confused. He can only stare after Rachel. It isn't until the warning bell rings that he is able to move from his spot.
…
During second period, Quinn is quickly unnerved by the silence and apathy coming from her Chem lab partner.
She'd been rather reluctant when Berry had suggested it at the beginning of the year, but she couldn’t fault the logic. Sure, they had glee in common as well as a connection to Santana, but in Quinn's mind that isn't enough. However, in terms of Quinn's academics, Berry really was the only choice because the rest of the class either annoyed the shit out of Quinn or didn't care enough to put forth any effort.
And it hasn't been as bad as she pictured. Yes, Berry does ramble on and on, but if Quinn asks, Berry will stop talking. And Berry always does her share. Because of the partnership, they both have a solid A in the class. It's the one subject that Quinn never worries about.
However, today, Quinn is worried. Berry's doing just enough to get by and isn't talking at all. In fact, Quinn is pretty sure that she's said more today than Berry has. And the blonde is pretty sure that has never happened.
The outfit threw her off initially as well. She didn't comment, though; not really in the mood for a Rachel Berry rant about clothing. But now, with the added odd behavior, Quinn is insanely curious. She won't ask; Quinn's somewhat worried about the answer.
…
Artie has pinched himself over a dozen times already and fourth period is only half over.
He shares the class with Puck and today Artie finds his behavior shocking. Not only is Puck raising his hand and offering answers, he appears to be correct. In fact, everyone in the class is thrown off. Artie can see the teacher staring warily at Puck as if she's expecting him to jump up and attack someone.
What makes the whole thing even more unbelievable is the clothing that Puck is wearing. He's dressed in perfectly pressed khakis and a argyle sweater. Artie wonders if he lost a bet with Rachel.
Artie sort of wishes that he and Puck were closer, so he could ask. Maybe he'll ask Kurt if Finn mentioned Puck suffering a concussion or something.
…
"What are you wearing?" Kurt asks as Rachel sits down for lunch.
"Trying something different," she replies, not really looking at him as she begins eating her lunch.
"Well, it works for you, girl," Mercedes says. "I didn't think you even owned jeans."
"Just full of surprises, huh?"
"What's Santana think of the new look?" Kurt asks.
"Didn't ask."
"I can't figure the two of you out," Mercedes says. "I'm starting to think you're just using each other for sex."
"So what if we are?"
The other four occupants of the table just gasp and stare at her. Ignoring them, she keeps eating.
"Uh, Rachel?" Artie starts. "Are you feeling all right?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"No offensive," Tina says. "But you're acting kind of strange."
"You guys need to chill out, is all."
They just keep staring at her.
"Right. As much fun as this isn't," Rachel says, standing. "I'm gonna go find the gf for a quickie, then."
They all watch her walk out of the lunchroom.
"What the hell is going on?" Kurt asks.
…
It isn't until lunch that Santana notices that something is up. Brittany is actually the one to bring it up.
"Have you talked to Rachel today?"
"Sort of," Santana replies. "Why?"
"She's acting weird," Brittany tells her. "She didn't answer one question in fourth. She didn't even look like she was paying attention."
"Maybe she's preoccupied with some glee thing," Santana offers
"And she's wearing jeans."
"What?" Santana thinks back to their first period encounter. Her girlfriend had been wearing jeans and a T-shirt. She'd been distracted since Rachel had pounced on her immediately. Santana had been too focused on Rachel's head under her Cheerios skirt to notice what she'd been wearing. And there hadn't been time to reciprocate. In fact, Rachel had simply left a lingering kiss once Santana's breathing had slowed and hurried off. Very strange indeed.
…
Will is having lunch in his office when Puck knocks on the door.
"Oh, hey, Puck."
"Mr. Schue," Puck says. "I was hoping to have a moment of your time."
"Of course," Will says. "Have a seat."
"Now I realize I haven't been the most vocal in what we should do in glee, but I have a few ideas, so I was hoping, you'd be open to them?"
"I'm always up for new ideas, Puck, you know that."
"Yes, right then. I was thinking we should do something from Company because Sondheim is a musical theater staple. And while Into the Woods is probably the most well known, it doesn't lend itself to being sung out of context as well as Company does."
"Uh, well, I guess that's true."
"I was thinking either Getting Married Today or The Ladies Who Lunch. Rachel could do either Amy or Joanne beautifully and I think I'd be excellent as Paul if you chose to do Getting Married Today. I'm not sure about the celestial singer. Maybe Mercedes?"
"Uh, maybe."
"There's also A Little Night Music," Puck continues. "Rachel would sing Send in the Clowns beautifully, don’t you think?"
"Well, I'm sure that Rachel appreciates the support, Puck," Will says. "But don't you have any ideas for something you want to do? A solo of your own?"
"Not at the moment, no," Puck replies. "Because I was uncertain how you would respond to a suggestion from me since I usually don't make them. Plus, I'm not really a solo type of guy."
"Right…" Will says. He's just noticed what Puck's wearing. The teen looks very preppy and un-Puck like. "My door is always open. I hope you'll remember that."
"Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Schue," Puck says, standing. "I must be off. I have several more things to accomplish before the end of lunch."
Will watches Puck exit his office and can only stare after him.
…
Santana receives another text from Rachel requesting sex. That alone is strange. She vows to pay more attention to what Rachel's wearing this time and not be distracted.
However, she is once again distracted. Rachel might be wearing jeans, but Santana can't be sure. Her girlfriend slams her against the bathroom wall of the handicap stall, while exposing whatever she feels is necessary. So despite being knuckle deep, Santana has no idea what Rachel was wearing below the waist.
Not that she's complaining. Rachel has three fingers thrusting into her as well and they're both desperately trying to get the other to come before the end of lunch bell rings.
They're both successful. The bell rings while they're catching their breath. Santana blinks, trying to remember what she wanted to ask Rachel, but is sidetracked by the sight of the diva sucking her fingers clean. Santana closes her eyes and groans; therefore missing Rachel redressing. She receives a quick, but tongue filled kiss and once again Rachel is gone before anything else can be said.
…
Standing at his locker, Kurt is pretty sure he's hallucinating. A few lockers down is Rachel Berry, shamelessly flirting with a freshman Cheerio. The girl is only an inch or two taller than Rachel, and the diva is leaning in closely as she smiles and winks. If the two were any closer, a piece of paper wouldn't fit in between them.
"Have I fallen into the twilight zone?" Kurt asks Mercedes when she approaches him.
Mercedes follows his line of sight. "Apparently we all have."
"Hope Santana doesn't see that," Kurt says.
"Who knows about those two? Remember what Rachel said at lunch?"
They watch as Rachel runs a finger down the freshman's uniform, stopping just above her breasts. Oddly, the girl doesn't seem to mind.
"It's like a car wreck," Kurt whispers. "I can't look away."
"What are you guys staring at?"
Mercedes and Kurt both jump in surprise. They turn to find Santana behind them.
"Nothing," Kurt mumbles.
"Whatever. Have you guys seen Rachel?" Santana asks. "I kinda need to talk to her."
"Rachel?"
"Uh…" Mercedes hems. "No, not recently."
"Is she wearing jeans today?"
It's an odd question, but Kurt just nods.
Santana scowls and stalks off.
When Kurt and Mercedes look back to the freshman, they find her alone, looking giddy.
"This is not good," Mercedes murmurs. "Not good at all."
…
Glad it's the end of the day, Finn is at his locker, getting rid of books when he notices Puck strolling down the hall. He still can't get over Puck's clothing choice for the day, but it's still not the strangest thing about him today.
Meanwhile Puck is making his way to his locker, totally ignoring two Cheerios very obviously trying to get his attention. Finn is flabbergasted. He's never seen Puck ignore two hot girls trying to get his attention. He once left Finn struggling with a couch the Puckerman's were getting rid of just to flirt with the cougar that was checking her mailbox.
Finn doesn't know what to think anymore.
…
Rachel is thankful that Santana isn't supposed to come over tonight. She knows she shouldn't, but Rachel realizes it will be more difficult to keep up the charade when it's just them one on one. So even though Rachel was at first annoyed that Santana had a family obligation she couldn't get out of, tonight it is a blessing.
However, the house is big and lonely. She's tempted to make Noah come over since he's the only one she doesn't have to keep up the act for. But she has homework to do and Rachel knows Noah would just be too distracting. Plus, since Santana will most likely be over tomorrow, Rachel knows she needs to either come up with another excuse or really work on being comfortable as Noah.
Or maybe she could just distract her with sex.
…
When he gets home, Puck quickly sheds his preppy clothing. Wearing it makes him feel dirty. He knows this whole thing was his brainchild, but he had no idea dressing like a male version of Rachel would feel so wrong.
The whole prank is exhausting; trying to keep his vocabulary perfect, answering questions in class while being peppy and upbeat is a lot of work. He doesn't know how Rachel does it every day. Because she's not like that on bro night. Well, the extensive vocabulary is the same, but the other stuff is different.
He's glad they're only going to keep this up for a week. He's not sure if he could do it much longer.
…
Tuesday, Artie is rolling down the halls when he notices Rachel, dressed again in jeans, flirting with a freshman theater geek. His shock is enough that he actually runs into someone. Thankfully, it's a teacher, so all that's necessary is an apology and he's not ruthlessly shoved into a wall.
Both girls are so focused on each other that Artie is able to wheel close enough to hear most of what's being said.
"…girlfriend won't mind?"
Rachel smirks. "Don't worry about her."
"You two are like the hottest couple in school."
"Well, I hate to do anything half way," Rachel says.
"Is it true that you two…" The geek stops, looks around and then leans in even closer, which Artie didn't think was possible. He strains, but he can't make out what she's whispering, but Rachel's grin in response is almost lewd.
Rachel nods. "It's why in some circles, I'm known as Rachosaurus Sex," Rachel murmurs.
Artie rolls his eyes, but the freshman giggles.
The bell rings and the two pull apart to a respectable distance.
"Bye Rachel."
"Later, baby."
Artie can only watch the pair walk away separately. He's insanely curious about what the freshman whispered that garnered such a reaction from Rachel, but at the same time, he figures he's better off not knowing. He shrugs and heads towards his first class.
…
Quinn is positive she's in the twilight zone. She's in her third period class and Puck has raised his hand and answered five questions correctly throughout the class discussion of the industrial revolution.
First Rachel yesterday in Chem and now Puck, Quinn's concerned there might be something in the water. Or maybe in the choir room.
Oh god, is she at risk?
What if Coach Sylvester is piping something in through the vents just to mess with Mr. Schue?
It makes sense. Rachel would be the most susceptible since she can't keep her mouth shut. While Puck sits in the back near the air vents. Quinn knows where they are because during her pregnancy, she was always hot and tried to never be near a vent blasting heat.
As Puck answers yet another question correctly, Quinn ponders if she has time over lunch to duck out and buy one of those bird flu masks to protect herself.
…
Mike and Finn are walking down the halls during lunch when they hear singing coming from the choir room. This isn't unusual. Rachel practices during lunch almost daily. However, this is a male voice.
Looking in the window on the door, they see Puck singing. He's sitting at the piano, playing with one hand as he sings.
Finn has to do a double take. He looks around the room for Rachel because that would be the only way Puck would be practicing at lunch. But Puck is alone.
They both listen to the words, but neither recognize the song. Though it does sound vaguely familiar to Finn and he wonders if it is one of over a dozen musicals Rachel made him listen to while lecturing him about its merits during their tenure as boyfriend and girlfriend.
"Puck's been hanging out way too much with Rachel," Mike says.
Finn definitely agrees.
…
Tina spends most of last period trying to figure Rachel out.
She's not the only one. Tina notices out of the corner of her eye, Santana staring at Rachel as well. She's still in her usual seat up front, but she's apparently doodling in her notebook and ignoring the teacher.
Mr. Kelvin keeps looking at Rachel whenever there's a lull in his speech, because usually the diva will take the opportunity to add something. Today, she just continues to draw.
Soon their classmates are starting to notice the odd behavior as well. The longer it goes on, the more unnerved everyone becomes.
Rachel had behavior similarly the day before, but Tina had been taking careful notes and had been somewhat distracted. Plus, she assumed, like everyone else did, that Rachel was just having an off day.
Apparently they were wrong.
…
Glee is where everyone really starts to become freaked out. Rachel is less than perfect and doesn't seem to care, while Puck is spot on and way too intense.
"Why don't we take a five minute breather?" Mr. Shue says after Rachel messes up for the third time.
Everyone gives a sigh of relief and relaxes. But it doesn't take long for them to become confused again. Puck goes to the piano and begins playing, while singing quietly under his breath. Rachel slumps into a chair, pulls out her cell phone and begins texting.
The rest of New Directions and Will are just staring when Santana phone beeps. She checks it; she has a text message from Rachel. Reading it, Santana blushes for the first time in a long time. Brittany notices and reads over her shoulder.
"You've really done that?" she asks Santana.
"Britt!" Santana quickly puts her phone away. However, it seems Rachel's not going to stop because Santana receives text after text until she turns it on vibrate.
u wld put it on vibrate, my dirty grl Santana reads just as Mr. Schue stands up.
"All right," Will says, clapping his hands. "Are we ready to try again?"
Everyone but Rachel stands up. She's still texting.
"Um, Rachel?" Will tries.
"You guys can start without me," she replies, waving them away.
This is technically true since it's a Kurt and Mercedes duet, but Rachel's never failed to participate even if she wasn't the lead.
"Rachel, don't be ridiculous," Puck says. "In order for us to properly practice, we need each and every one of us standing and giving our all. Or else we'll never be the best."
"Whatever."
"Rachel Berry," Puck continues. "I find your lack of enthusiasm to be extremely disconcerting. When one member of our team is so lackadaisical about rehearsal, we have no hopes of achieving anything."
"The Rachinator cares not."
Puck huffs, spins on his heel and performs a perfect diva storm out.
Silence falls over the room. They can only alternate their stares between where Puck, dressed in khakis and a polo, was and an apathetic and casually dressed Rachel Berry who seems more interested in her cell phone than her surroundings.
"Is this really happening?" Kurt says. "Or am I dreaming?"
"We're all dreaming then," Artie says.
"There must be something in the water," Tina mutters.
"We're all going to catch it," Quinn whispers loudly, but seemingly to herself. "I knew I should have gotten a mask."
Santana, Tina, Finn and Mike all look at Quinn in confusion. The rest follow suit when the blonde covers her mouth and slows her breathing.
Will, sensing he's lost control of the situation, ends glee practice early. Quinn hotfoots it out of the room while everyone else strolls out. Santana approaches her still texting girlfriend.
"So are we still on for tonight?" Santana asks.
"Sorry, babe, no can do," Rachel says. "Puck's coming over for some bro-ings on. You understand."
"Uh, sure , I guess," Santana replies. "It's just that you guys usually just do that on Fridays."
"Trying something new," Rachel shrugs.
"All right," Santana says. "It's just I kinda missed hanging with you last night."
"Me too, babe." Rachel is still texting.
"Tomorrow then?"
"Sure. Definitely. Whatever you want."
Santana is starting to feel like a third wheel in her own relationship.
…
Puck does go over to Rachel's that evening. They do homework and watch TV, purposely not talking about the situation they've created for themselves. Puck finds himself more worried about what it's doing to his rep, than he thought he would be. Rachel is very concerned about what this game playing is going to do to her relationship. But neither brings it up.
…
Rachel has been purposely avoiding having any real alone time with Santana for the duration of the prank. She figures it will be easier that way. Also, if she really had switched bodies with Puck, Rachel assumes he would also avoid Santana to avoid detection or something.
It's unfortunate though because she really misses Santana. Even if they don't see each other a lot at school, they still try to have some interaction. And having Santana over after dinner helps too.
Rachel wonders if she's becoming too codependent. She can barely stay away for a week to pull a prank. If her level of commitment wasn't so high, Rachel would have broke down and told Santana everything the night before; which is why she dissuaded Santana from hanging out. She hopes Santana isn't too pissed at her.
…
Brittany and Santana are walking towards their lockers before school when Santana stops short. There in the hall is her girlfriend, clearly and obviously flirting with a senior soccer player. Santana's eyes narrow in jealousy because she knows for a fact that Michelle Jamieson has been wanting to get into Rachel's pants since Santana started dating her. The Latina's never brought it up to Rachel because she hates playing the part of a jealous lover.
But seeing the two huddle together, whispering and giggling is enough to stir up anger and resentment in Santana. She clenches her fists to stop herself from marching over and breaking the soccer forward's leg. Santana wants to rip her arm off and beat her with it, but the bitch would still technically be able to play soccer.
Brittany wisely leads Santana away before she can do any damage.
…
Santana decides to confront Rachel about her strange behavior the past couple days. The mystery of it all is driving her crazy. And seeing Rachel flirt with other girls is killing her. Besides, she misses her girlfriend.
She feels like a sap just thinking it. What started as something fun and carefree has actually become a real relationship, Santana is shocked to realize.
Santana had been annoyed at first that Rachel had demanded exclusivity despite them both agreeing to keep things causal. But Rachel promised to make it worth her wild and it definitely has been. She didn't think it was possible after seeing the disastrous relationship that was Finn and Rachel or even Jesse and Rachel, but dating Rachel Berry has turned out to be fun.
Santana wants to get that back.
…
Normally if Santana wanted Rachel's attention, she'd just text a booty call, but she has a feeling that it would end like the other meetings this week. She's not complaining, definitely not complaining, but she can't allow herself to be distracted this time.
Instead, she has Brittany text Rachel asking to meet at the second floor janitor's closet. This is where the couple have most of their arguments at school. Santana figures she'll have the edge enough to be able to dictate the meeting.
Santana arrives before Rachel, but stays quiet when her girlfriend enters.
"C'mon, S," Rachel says. "I know you were behind the text."
"We need to talk."
"If you say so, babe."
They stand in silence because Santana assumes Rachel will begin rambling immediately just as she usually does. When a while minute passes in silence, Santana lets out a frustrated groan.
"You have nothing to say?" she asks.
"Hey, you're the one that wanted to talk," Rachel points out.
"And you don't have a clue what about?"
"Naw," Rachel replies. "Way I see it, we're all good."
Incredulous, Santana's eyes widen as she stares at Rachel, trying to figure her out. "What the hell is going on with you this week?"
"No idea what you're talking about," Rachel replies.
"Don't play dumb, Berry," Santana says. "You're not good at it."
"You say the sweetest things, babe."
"So you're not going to tell me what the hell is up with you?"
"Like I said," Rachel answers. "No idea what you're talking about."
"And that soccer bitch you were flirting with this morning?"
"Harmless flirting," Rachel replies. "Means nothing. You do it."
"True," Santana agrees. "But you never have… And I just thought…"
Santana actually feels hurt by Rachel's nonchalant attitude. It's different than the usual casualness that's surrounded their relationship. It feels like Rachel doesn't care, but that can't be right, can it?
"Ah, babe, don't be like that," Rachel says.
"I, uh, I can't have this discussion at school," Santana tells her.
"Fair enough. Wanna fool around, instead?"
"Don't be an idiot," Santana snaps. "I'll talk to you later."
Santana stomps off leaving Rachel alone in the closet.
…
Wednesday at lunch, New Directions minus Puck and Rachel meet in the choir room to discuss the situation.
"We've all noticed it, right?" Kurt asks.
"It's rather impossible to miss," Artie says.
"Yeah, but what the fuck is going on?" Santana growls.
"We've fallen into some weird alternate dimension," Tina suggests.
"It's like Face/Off without the crazy surgery," Brittany says.
Everyone stops and looks at Brittany.
"Oh my god," Kurt says. "You're totally right."
"It is like they've switched bodies," Mercedes adds.
"So what do we do about it?" Quinn asks. "Because this new Rachel is messing up my Chem grade."
"Glee's suffering too," Mike says.
"Yeah, who knew that Rachel's insane focus is actually helping us," Mercedes says.
"Maybe they both need to be struck by lightning," Brittany suggests. "Like those guys in that movie. They wore underwear on their head."
Everyone pauses and tries to figure out what movie Brittany is talking about.
"I don't think that'll help, Britt," Santana says.
"So what do we do?" Finn asks.
"We confront them," Artie proposes. "Maybe they're aware of what happened and are working to fix it."
"What if they're not?" Tina asks.
"Then hopefully our confrontation will enlighten them and we can work towards a solution," Artie replies.
"I kinda feel reality slipping away," Quinn says.
"Join the club," Santana tells her.
…
Wednesday afternoon during Cheerios' practice, Santana finds herself distracted. Thankfully, after so long under Sue Sylvester's tutelage, she has enough muscle memory to be able to go through the motions. She knows she's not the perfection Coach Sylvester demands, but she hopes it's enough to slip by.
She just can't get her confrontation with Rachel earlier out of her head. The utter apathy that seemed to be oozing from her was more hurtful than she'd ever thought it be.
Maybe because Santana just realized today that she's in love with Rachel.
They haven't said the words yet. Santana knows this is more because of her than Rachel. However, she isn't a hundred percent sure that Rachel would use the L word about their relationship. For the most part, serious discussion isn't really a part of their repertoire. Once again, Santana feels this is more her doing than Rachel's.
"Sloppy, Lopez!" Coach yells into her bullhorn. "Stop thinking about Berry's ass and concentrate or you'll be doing suicides until you puke. And then you'll do one hundred more."
…
Rachel figures she better make an effort if she wants to salvage her relationship. Hopefully, Santana will understand if it's all for a prank. Rachel infers she will be since Santana's been more than okay with her prank playing side.
She sends Santana a text.
u stll stppng by 2nite
Rachel knows Santana is at Cheerios practice, currently, so she dives into her homework and waits for a reply.
…
Santana feels a bit more reassured when she receives the text from Rachel, but practice was especially brutal and she's too exhausted to argue anymore today, so she decides to put it off and hope that tomorrow morning Rachel will wake up and be her usual self. So she sends a text simply saying good night.
2 trd c u tmrw nite
…
Thursday morning, Rachel finds herself in Sue Sylvester's office.
"We need to talk Rizzo," Sue says.
Rachel slumps into a chair and puts a foot up on the desk.
Sue knocks it down and sits up a bit straighter.
"I believe I speak for everyone in this pathetic place when I ask, what game are you playing?"
Rachel ignores her.
"Don't play that game with me, Roxanne. I'm much better at it than you could ever hope to be."
Rachel continues to ignore her.
"And look at me when I'm talking," Sue continues. "One should always acknowledge one's superior."
"Whatever you say."
"Lopez's been sloppy this week," Sue explains. "And I feel confident in saying that it's your doing, Rochelle."
"Don’t see how," Rachel replies. "My job is to keep her happy in the sack. It's your job to keep her in line at practice."
"Well then you're not keeping up your end of the bargain," Sue tells her. "Because I'm doing nothing different. You're the one's that acting like a damn lunatic."
"People are just afraid of change," Rachel muses.
"Change is bad," Sue says. "Unless it's change I instigate. Change back and fix this. Or I'll be going after your precious little glee club with renewed focus. If you think it was bad before, you're very, very wrong, Rebecca."
Rachel still looks bored. "Can I go now?"
"Dismissed."
…
Brittany finds Rachel in between first and second period.
"Hey, Rachel," she says. "I got this for you." She hands Rachel a yard long metal pole.
"Uh, thanks, Britt," Rachel replies.
"It's to fix you and Puck."
"Fix?"
"Yeah, you guys are all mixed up and it's freaking people out. So I got this to fix you guys. I got one for Puck too." She holds up another metal pole.
"I don't know what to do with this."
"You guys each need to hold one," Brittany explains. "And then when it's lightning out, you guys hold hands and get struck by lightning. It'll fix you."
"Right," Rachel nods. "Can you hold onto these until it rains? And then we'll try it."
"Okay. Cool." Brittany accepts the metal pole back and marches down the hallway.
…
Will isn't sure what to expect for this afternoon's glee practice. With the personality switch that Puck and Rachel seem to have experienced, everything feels out of sync. It doesn't help that it's throwing the rest of the kids off as well.
He considers confronting them about it, but he isn't exactly sure what that would accomplish. Or more precisely, he doesn't know what he would say.
Because, truthfully, while he has concerns about glee and whatever Rachel and Puck are going through, he's mostly freaked out by it. Hearing Puck speak perfect, precise English is frightening while seeing Rachel's apathy and disinterest is unnerving. He never thought it possible but he'd much rather see Rachel pull a diva moment than sit idly in a chair, seemingly bored.
The only solution he can think of is to have Emma speak to them. Maybe she can figure out what exactly is happening. Especially since Will has the slight fear that this personality switch will begin a chain reaction of other switches. And if Mercedes starts acting like Kurt and vice versa, he might have to quit glee club.
…
Puck is dragged into Coach Sylvester's office after third period. He protests about missing class, but is easily ignored as he's pushed into a chair. Despite his grumbling, he sits attentively waiting for Sue to speak
Sue admits to herself that the apparent transformation is creepingly accurate. Perhaps this is some merit to the body swapping rumor that Brittany started. Though Sue is leaning more towards a Stepford Wives sort of moment.
She'd seen the girl walking around caring two metal poles. Despite not asking, Sue was treated to a monologue about how she was going to fix Mohawk and Streisand. She would normally tell her to save it for someone who cares, but instead found herself intrigued. The girl might have insane ideas, but Sue admires that imagination and determination. It's what makes her an excellent Cheerio.
"You and I need to talk," Sue begins. "Despite not caring about most of the miscreants roaming the halls of this pathetic institution, I couldn't help but notice the transformation that has occurred in you and your girlfriend."
"I don't have a girlfriend."
"Don't play stupid with me, Bobby Brown. Your and Whitney's change in behavior is slowly disturbing some of my best Cheerios. And we both know how unacceptable that is. So fix it."
"Coach Sylvester," Puck begins. "While I appreciate your peripheral concern, I hardly know how to respond to your accusations. Rachel and I are just fine; and frankly, I'm quite confused by what all the fuss is about."
"Oh you're good, Norman. I must confess to being mildly impressed. I would have thought your head too empty to properly execute such a feat."
"I don't have to sit here and be insulted," Puck says standing. "I supposed to be in English now, so I must be going." Puck hold out his hand for the pass Coach Sylvester promised him.
"If I don't hand over the pass, what are you going to do?"
"I have other means at my disposal to ensure I do not receive a tardy on my record," Puck informs her.
"I'm sure you do. Which is good because you're going to have to employ them." Sue pulls out her journal. "Dismissed."
Puck huffs and stomps out.
…
Emma isn't sure why she agreed to this. She's fairly certain she doesn't know how to counsel someone about a personality switch. If that's even what happened. She's really not qualified to make that diagnosis. But those were the words Will used to describe what happened to Puck and Rachel.
She'd seen them around school and noticed a clothing change, but actually seeing the pair in action so to speak is a whole other experience.
Puck is perched in one chair looking attentive and respectful. He's wearing khakis and a sweater vest. Meanwhile Rachel is slumped in her chair, texting. She's wearing jeans, converse sneakers and a gray hoodie. The image is a bit unnerving. Especially because the last time either of them were in her office, they were doing exactly what the other is doing.
Maybe Will is right about the swapping thing.
"Before we begin," Emma starts. "I would just like to say that no one is making accusations or criticizing. It's just that your fellow glee clubbers have noticed odd behavior from the two of you this week and I was asked to check in, make sure everything is all right."
"Everything is just fine," Puck says. "Thank you for asking."
"What he says," Rachel adds, not looking up.
"Be that as it may," Emma continues. "There are some concerns that I feel need to be addressed."
"Such as?" Puck asks.
"Your wardrobe changes, for one."
Puck looks down at his clothing. "What's wrong with it? Do I not look like a respectable young man?"
"Oh you do, you do," Emma assures him. "It's just a bit different than what we're used to seeing you in."
"You look like a douche bag," Rachel mutters.
"Rachel Berry, words can hurt," Puck tells her. "You apologize this instant."
Rachel sighs. "I'm sorry…you look like a douche bag."
"You aren't a very nice bro," Puck replies.
"Guys, please, we're getting off topic."
Puck crosses his arms and faces away from Rachel.
"And your clothing choices are different than your usual fare as well, Rachel."
"So?"
Emma doesn't have a response to this. She sighs. She definitely doesn't have the training for this.
"There's nothing either of you want to talk about? Problems at home?"
"I resent that," Puck says. "Just because I was raised in a single parent household and Rachel has two gay dads, doesn't automatically mean we're going to have problems at home. The implications of that question is quite insulting."
"I'm sorry, Puck," Emma replies. "That wasn't my intention. It's just that many of the students I talk to do have problems at home. It's usually an excellent jumping off point."
"Apology accepted, I suppose."
"Rachel," Emma says. "Anything you'd like to discuss?"
"Nope."
Emma sighs again. "Fine. You both can go." She hands them hall passes. "But my door is always open if you ever want to talk. I'm always ready to listen."
"Thank you, Ms. Pillsbury," Puck says. "Though I don't foresee myself visiting you, I appreciate the sentiment."
He accepts the pass and walks out.
Rachel just grabs the pass and leaves.
Unsure what to think, Emma can only stare after them.
…
In glee, Puck and Rachel find themselves surrounded by the others.
"We know what's going on," Artie says.
Rachel looks up from her cell phone, bored.
"What are you guys talking about?" Puck asks.
"You guys have been acting like each other all week," Kurt says.
"It's creepy," Mercedes adds.
"You guys are creepy," Rachel says. "What is this? An intervention?"
Everyone looks at each other.
"Yeah, it's an intervention," Quinn says.
"I still think we should use lightning," Brittany offers.
"It's not raining out, Britt," Rachel tells her.
"Oh, well, then when it does rain."
"I can't wait that long," Quinn announces.
"Neither can we," Kurt agrees.
"There's nothing that needs to be fixed," Puck says.
"Says you," Finn counters. "You're weirding us all out dude."
"Yeah."
"We just miss the old Rachel and Puck," Tina says.
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Kurt pipes up. "But I agree with Tina. I miss the old Rachel."
"Your support is overwhelming, Hummel," Rachel replies.
"We should really be rehearsing," Puck interjects. "All that matters at the moment is that we're here to sing. We're losing valuable practice time right now debating this inconsequential issue. Where's Mr. Schue?"
"He's staying out of it," Mercedes says.
"He seems to be having the worst reaction out of all us," Mike says. "Maybe we should be concerned about that too."
"One crisis at a time," Tina says.
"Maybe we need to hit them both over the head," Santana suggests. "Knock some sense back into them."
"Whoa," Puck says. "Violence is never the answer."
"The first person that tries to hit me is going to be very sorry," Rachel growls.
Everyone, including Puck, takes a step back.
"Okay, so no violence then," Kurt agrees.
No one volunteers another idea.
"It seems we're at an impasse," Puck says. "I propose we all internally ponder a solution at a later date and work on our material for Regionals."
"No," Santana says. "We have to figure this out."
"Don't be like that, babe," Rachel tells her. "It's all good. The Rachosaurus Rex is doing just fine."
Mike, Kurt, Mercedes, Quinn and Santana all do an actual double take at those words. Finn's jaw actually drops, while Tina and Artie pinch each other to make sure they're awake. Brittany fist bumps Rachel.
Will then choose this moment to peek in. "Everything worked out?"
"I believe so, Mr. Schue," Puck says. "Though I have a feeling you wouldn't agree. Nonetheless I suggest we move onto more important issues. Regionals for example."
Will sighs in defeat. "Fine. Let's get to work."
…
Rachel is surprised when the doorbell rings that night. It's Santana for their usual after dinner routine. Rachel's worried about being able to keep up the façade while arguing. She's fully expecting Santana to keep pressing the issue.
Instead, they watch TV and make out on the couch. And when Rachel's hand strays into Santana's spankies, Santana simply grins and pulls Rachel up to her room.
…
Friday is the last day of this personality switch prank and for that, Rachel is extremely grateful. This has been an exhausting week. It has definitely put her acting skills to the test. She's certainly never agreeing to a week long prank again, no matter what Noah promises.
Though she is looking forward to collecting.
She's also glad this is the last day she'll be wearing jeans to school for a while. She misses her skirts.
…
Puck is more relieved than he'll ever admit that he's glad this whole prank is almost over. He knows it was his idea and he definitely thinks it's been epic, but he can admit, at least to himself, that he's worn out. Pretending to be someone else is tiring.
Maybe he should have picked someone more laid back. Being Rachel Berry is strenuous. He loves her like a bro, but walking a week in her shoes was just a little too much for him.
Next time he'll just have to settle with a one time prank; nothing long and drawn out.
…
At lunch, Santana decides to just embrace this new Rachel. She doesn't know what else to do. So she starts sexting during fourth and Rachel eagerly seeks her out during lunch.
They don't talk and Santana tries not to be too weirded out by the wardrobe or inelegant speech. She instead attempts to focus on the benefits of this 180; such as the apparent need of Rachel's to get her off multiple times before lunch is over. Santana certainly has no complaints about that.
…
Friday night is a relief. Puck and Rachel are once again hanging out at her house. Tonight they're comparing notes on the week and the success of the prank. Puck is more enthusiastic about everything than Rachel is. She's mostly worried about her girlfriend.
"It'll be fine, Rach," Puck assures her. "Once you tell her what it was all about. She's never minded your pranks before."
"Because she was exempt from them," Rachel reminds him. "This is very different."
"You worry too much, Berry. The cool thing about you guys is how you go with the flow or whatever. You need to relax and not worry about it. You're seeing her in the morning still, right?"
Rachel nods.
"Maybe you should meet her here so you can talk."
"That's not a bad idea, Noah," Rachel agrees. "That way when she yells at me, we won't have any spectators."
"That's the spirit."
"Or witnesses when she assaults me."
"She wouldn't do that," Puck protests.
"Perhaps not," Rachel replies. "But one like to be prepared for all contingencies."
Rachel texts Santana while she knows her girlfriend is still awake. She's relieved she can return to her normal mode of texting.
Can we meet at my place tomorrow instead?
She receives a response almost immediately.
k
"Excellent," Rachel says. "One more thing settled. So what are we doing tonight? Because I don't think I'm up for just hanging."
"Glad to hear it," Puck tells her. "Because I have an idea for a prank. Sort of a culmination to the week."
"Fine, let's hear it."
…
Rachel's thankful that Puck suggested another prank. She could use the distraction. She easily picks the lock and they're back in McKinley.
Rachel'll admit she's not entirely sure about this prank. And not just because it was Noah's idea. It sounds like a lot more work than her usual pranks, but it sounds like he has it all planned out, so Rachel's going to try and go with the flow.
It's a week of firsts for her already. What's one more?
…
Hours later, they're done. Rachel vows not to agree to anything Noah suggests ever again. She wouldn't have thought it, but his ideas are more complicated than hers. If it wasn't for her daily regimen of exercise every morning, Rachel isn't sure she'd been able to pull this one off. Thank god, Noah actually took the time to plan the whole thing out. And god bless whoever came up with the idea of the nail gun. Because otherwise, Rachel has a feeling, they'd still be working. And she could use some sleep.
They quickly clean up and evacuate.
"You know we spend a lot of additional time at a place we claim to hate, Noah," Rachel says.
"It's a different place at night."
"I suppose that's true," Rachel allows. "But it's something to ponder."
"Well, now that you're Rachel Berry again, I guess you can do that."
"Yes, I believe I can."
…
Saturday morning, Puck is gone by the time Santana arrives. Even though they've seemed to reach a tentative accord about her sharing a bed with Noah, Rachel doesn't want to push her boundaries more than she already has this week.
Rachel is sipping coffee in the kitchen when Santana walks in. She goes to the cupboard and gets her own mug. Rachel just watches her pour herself a cup.
"I owe you a massive apology," Rachel says once Santana's sitting across from her.
"Do you?"
"Just let me explain."
Santana nods.
"Noah wanted to attempt what he called an epic prank. He's apparently never had someone to do so with."
"What about Hudson?"
"Evidently Finn wasn't a proper candidate."
Santana snorts. "I could have told you that."
Rachel ignores her. "So he suggested we act as if we experienced a freaky Friday type moment for the week. We'd pretend to be each other and see how everyone reacts. And then we'll go in on Monday like last week never happened."
Santana doesn't say anything.
"I realize that I should have spoken to you about it, but I didn't want to chance the prank. As I'm sure you are aware, when I commit to something, I do it fully."
Santana nods.
"However, I also realize I may have inadvertently done some damage to our relationship, which of course was never my intention. There were multiple moments throughout the week where I was desperate to tell you, but I promised Noah that I would give it the full Rachel Berry intensity and so I couldn’t."
"What did Puck promise you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I know you, Rach," Santana says. "You would have had a lot of concerns about this. So the only way Puck would be able to convince you is a bribe. So I ask again, what did Puck promise you?"
"A karaoke bro night."
"That would do it."
"You understand, I couldn’t say no after he offered that," Rachel explains.
"You wouldn’t be the girl I love if you did."
"Exactly. I wouldn't be--I'm sorry, what did you just say?" Rachel asks.
Santana winces. That wasn't how she'd planned on telling Rachel. "I love you."
Rachel just stares. Seconds become minutes.
"I can't stay here," Santana says, standing. "I shouldn't have--I need to go."
"No wait," Rachel says, grabbing Santana's arm. "I love you too. I just didn't expect you to say it out loud."
"Ever?"
"I've known for a while, Santana," Rachel replies. "You might not say it, but you show it plenty. Trust me."
"Yeah?"
"You do."
"So you weren't flirting with those girls to teach me a lesson?"
"Of course not," Rachel tells her. "That's not how Rachosaurus Rex rolls." Rachel chuckles at Santana's horrified look. "Sorry. Couldn't resist. But no, I wasn't trying to teach you a lesson. I was just playing a part. I'm sorry about Michelle Jamieson, but she approached me and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity."
"You know?"
"Santana, please," Rachel says. "Do you know how many times she's shoved her cleavage in my face this past month?"
Santana growls.
"Neither do I," Rachel continues. "Because I've lost track. That's how many times she's done it."
"She's dead," Santana says.
"Leave it be," Rachel replies. "It'll piss her off more to know her efforts are still unsuccessful. She prides herself on having the best rack in McKinley, you know."
"I'm starting to regret leaving you alone with Puck so often."
…
Monday morning Rachel shows up at McKinley wearing her usual sweater and skirt ensemble. She walks to her locker as if nothing's different.
"Rachel!"
Rachel turns just in time to receive a full tackling hug from Brittany. They slam into the bank of lockers.
"Morning, Britt," she manages to wheeze out. "Problems breathing."
Brittany releases her and claps her hands. "It worked. There wasn’t any lightning this weekend, but I knew it'd work anyhow."
"I suppose it did."
"I'm glad you're back, Rach," Brittany continues. "S missed you. A lot."
"She did?"
"Yeah, she was really sad Friday night, but now that you're back, she'll be happy again. Right?"
"I believe so, Britt," Rachel replies. "I plan on making it up to her. I promise."
"Good. I knew you would," Brittany says. "Cause you're a really nice girlfriend."
"Thanks Brittany."
…
Puck is back in jeans and a t-shirt as he struts through the halls. He stops to flirt with some Cheerios.
"Hey, dude," Finn says, approaching.
"Hudson, can't you see I'm busy?"
Finn eyes the giggling Cheerios. "Yeah, I can see that. But did you hear? Someone nailed all the furniture in the teacher's lounge to the ceiling."
"Really? Awesome."
"Didn't you always want to do that?"
"Yeah and you said it wasn't possible," Puck replied. "So now I can say, I told you so. Cause it so obvious is."
"Yeah. Yeah. Too bad you didn't pull it off yourself."
"Yeah, too bad," Puck says. "Now scram. Cindy, Brandi and I were having a very important discussion."
"Whatever, dude."
…
"I'm impressed with your carpentry skills," Santana tells Rachel between third and fourth.
"That was all Noah," Rachel replies. "I was just along for the ride."
"I figured as much," Santana says. "For some reason, this one just didn't feel like you."
"I didn't realize my pranks had personality."
"Well, they do."
"Hmmm," Rachel replies. "That's an interesting concept. I suppose if inanimate objects can seemingly have personalities than actions could as well. Or more specifically concepts that require the follow up of actions. Either way, it begs the question, do my pranks have a certain flavor that is unique to me. And if so, does that change when I'm exposed to other influences? And will Noah's ideas be affected by mine?"
Santana leans in for a kiss. Rachel tangles her tongue with Santana's and when the pair finally break apart, they once again have an audience that they easily ignore.
"I've missed those rants," Santana tells her.
Rachel grins. "I've missed them too."
"Walk you to class?"
Rachel nods and curls their fingers together. Linking pinkies is strictly a BrittanyandSantana thing. Disregarding the stares, Santana walks Rachel to class.