fic: The Student Becomes the Master
Title: The Student Becomes the Master
Author: slacker_d
Pairing/Characters: Rachel/Santana, Puck, Brittany, Kurt, Mercedes, Tina, Artie, Finn, Will, Figgins, Sue, Emma
Rating: R
Summary: Puck tries to convince Rachel to be more bad ass. He succeeds a little too well.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: ~7,600
Spoilers: None really.
A/N: Follows Cuffed and Physics and Golf.
2nd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
"I'm just trying to help," Puck explains. "This bad assery will totally get you laid."
"Noah, trust me, that's definitely not a problem," Rachel replies. "Besides, Santana is bad ass enough for both of us, don't you think?"
"Hell, yeah, she is," Puck agrees. "But that doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy seeing it in others. Why do you think she slept with the Puckasauras?"
Rachel sighs. Even though it's old news that Santana and Noah were a thing, and that she herself briefly dated Noah, Rachel still hates when he brings up the fact that he slept with her girlfriend. Probably because he makes it sound so… lewd and dirty. She also hates that she's jealous of such an old and dysfunctional relationship.
"I don't know. Because you both like sex?"
"That too," Puck says. "But it's the bad boy image that drew her in."
"If you say so, Noah," Rachel replies.
"I still can't believe Santana let you come out and bro it up with me after last time," Puck says.
They're currently in Puck's truck drinking beers. Puck's had three to Rachel's less than one, but for once he's not giving her a hard time about it.
"Let me?" Rachel questions. "Just because Santana and I are dating, doesn’t mean she's my boss."
"Oh really? That's not what I heard."
"Noah, stop trying to stir up trouble," Rachel says. "It won't work."
Normally, Rachel would disapprove of drinking and driving, but Noah promised three was his limit and that once they accomplished their mission, they'd head back to her place. Besides, they're mostly just parked while Noah searches out the perfect target.
Of course, he still has to talk her into it. While admittedly, she's been up for many of the "bro" activities Noah's suggested, vandalism and stealing have always been a sticking point.
"C'mon Berry," Puck continues. "You can't go through high school without doing something stupid and juvenile."
"You say that every time, Noah," Rachel points out.
"That doesn’t mean it's not true. We live in an insanely small town," Puck says. "So we gotta do stupid shit to stop us from dying from boredom. Tell me, you've never been a little curious."
"Of course I have been," Rachel replies. "But it's more a curiosity of why you idiots continue your childish antics."
"Just this once," Puck says. "If you don't have fun, I won't suggest anything illegal ever again. Scout's honor."
"They kicked you out of scouts. For hitting on someone's 21 year old sister."
Puck shrugs. "Her loss. So?"
She's still not sure, but she does know that Noah keeps his promises. If she really hates it, it will never be an issue again. Rachel sighs. "Fine."
"Hell yeah."
…
"I was thinking this sign, here," Puck says. "Since it's your first time, it should be something easy. But I don't think the sign itself sends the right message."
They're in the Sack-n-Pack parking lot. The store's closed and the employees are trickling out.
"What message is that?" Rachel asks.
"Do not enter? C'mon, Berry."
"You cannot be serious."
"I am. Same reason a stop sign is out too."
"Or maybe it could be a sign that isn't red and white," Rachel tells him.
"Those are the McKinley colors."
"Noah, I abhor our school."
"Santana doesn't."
"Yes she does," Rachel replies. "She's just better at hiding it."
"Well, too bad," Puck says. "Because I know the perfect sign." He points to the other side of the parking lot.
"The Yield sign, really?"
"Yeah. It means slow down, but don't stop. And triangles are cool, especially equilateral ones."
"Are you trying to argue with geometry?"
"Yeah. So?" Puck is defensive.
"I just never thought you knew what geometry was."
"Shut up."
…
Puck hands Rachel the crescent wrench and she begins to loosen the bolts. She gets the bottom one off easily enough when they see head lights, so they duck down until the car passes. Once it's gone, Rachel loosens the top bolt and Puck catches the sign before it crashes to the ground.
They put it in the back of Puck's truck and speed off.
"So now what?" Rachel asks.
"Whadda mean?" Puck replies. "Give it to her. Put a bow or something on it, if you want."
"A bow?" Rachel asks. "I hardly think that's appropriate."
"You'll figure it out," Puck tells her. "C'mon. I've got to get my sign."
"And what sign would that be?"
"Mile marker 69, of course."
"Noah, that's like twenty miles out of town. I thought you said there wouldn't be that much driving."
"I did."
"Well, if I'd known you were planning on attempting highway driving, I wouldn't have let you drink."
"I know," Puck replies. "Why do you think I didn't tell you?"
"You're a real jerk weasel, Noah."
"Oooh. So mean. Words hurt, you know, Rach."
…
Noah's sign is much easier to procure. Being on the side of the highway at midnight is a bit creepy and Rachel is paranoid a car is going to come speeding along and hit them. But it's over quick; Noah has obviously done this before and they're back in his truck before Rachel really starts to panic.
"I'm not sure drinking agrees with you," Puck says on the way back. "You always get really weird when we do."
"Did you ever think it's because it's also because you're simultaneously trying to get me to do something insane?"
Puck pretends to think it over. "No. I'm pretty sure it's you."
They end up at Rachel's this time. Her dads are of course not home; workaholics are like that. After hiding the sign in her room, Rachel flops on the couch next to Puck. He's already finished a beer. Rachel grabs one out of the cooler at their feet and gingerly opens it.
"Just so you know," Rachel says. "I'm not letting you drive home drunk."
"That's fine. I can just crash in your bed," Puck leers.
"I'm sure that'll go over well."
Puck finally settles on crazy action movie. It's better than his usual horror movie choices, so Rachel just accepts it and slowly sips her beer.
"So things are going really well in the sex department?" Puck asks a bit later.
"Excuse me?"
"C'mon, Rach," Puck replies. "This is what bros do. Talk about chicks."
"Does that include talking to a former boyfriend of my current girlfriend?"
"Are you feeling threatened?" Puck mocks.
Rachel smirks. "My girl is more than satisfied, thank you very much."
"All I have to say is that it's a shame you and I didn't work out, you must be a freak in the sheets," Puck says.
"Excuse me?"
"Well, Santana has been such a pussy lately," Puck explains. "I figured you must be keeping her on a short leash. And since that girl has been around the block a few times, you must be something special."
"I'm not sure whether to be insulted or flattered."
"Definitely flattered, Rach, you know that," Puck answers. "It is my greatest regret that you never got to fully experience what's it like to be sexed by the Puckerone."
"I'm sure it's a momentous occasion," Rachel replies, dryly.
"You know the offer of a threesome is always on the table."
"Which is where it'll be staying," Rachel tells him. "When we have a threesome, it won't include you, I'm sorry to say bro."
"A shame, really. We would have some hot times."
They lapse back into silence.
Once again, it is Puck who breaks the silence. "But she treats you good?"
"She treats me very well, Noah, I promise," Rachel replies. "It's sweet of you to care."
"Yeah, well, us hot Jews have to stick together."
"I suppose that's true."
"But I've been meaning to ask you," Puck continues. "How come you don't make her walk you through the halls like we did?"
"Ah, well, that was my concession to her," Rachel explains.
"Your what?"
"I know how she feels about me," Rachel replies. "So if Santana wants to walk around the halls, pinkie linked with Brittany's, who am I to stop her?"
"You know everyone thinks the two of 'em are doing it behind your back, right?"
"As if I care what those cretins think," Rachel tells them. "They're just jealous."
"Can you blame them?" Puck asks. "You two are so hot together. And making out in the halls is just cruel."
Rachel just smirks.
…
Puck does end up crashing on the couch. Actually Rachel and Puck both fall asleep sometime into the second stupid movie Puck finds on cable.
Puck wakes up around four with the intense need to pee. He groans and tries to stretch only to find his movements completely restricted. Blinking a few times, he opens his eyes to find himself stretched out on the Berry couch with Rachel on top of him. Internally he curses; if Santana ever found out about this, she'd kick him in the nuts. He knows this for a fact; she's told him so.
"Rach," he tries. "Rachel. Wake up."
"No. Comfy," she murmurs.
"C'mon, I gotta pee."
"Sleeping."
Puck sighs and thinks. "And the Tony goes to Rachel Berry."
She sits up. "What?" She looks around. "We fell asleep." She slowly stands and stretches. "Come on," she says, pulling him up.
"Ah, you're not going to kick me out, are you?" Puck looks at the clock. It's like 4 a.m."
"We're going to bed."
"We are?" Puck leers. "That's hot. Too bad I'm so tired."
"To sleep, Noah," Rachel replies. "This couch is fine for an afternoon nap, but not for a proper night of sleep. My bed is huge. It's fine."
"Not according to your girlfriend," Puck says as Rachel pulls him up the stairs.
"What she doesn't know, won't hurt her," Rachel tells him. "Besides, we're not going to be doing anything other than sleeping."
Rachel pulls Puck into her fathers' bedroom. She opens a draw and hands him some black sweatpants and purple T-Shirt that reads Berry-rific Family Reunion 2005.
"You can change in here," she continues. "Come in whenever you're done." She leaves him alone.
He quickly strips down to his boxers and pulls on the offered clothes. Thankfully, Rachel's Daddy is about Puck's height, so the sweats fit just fine. The shirt he puts on feeling odd. If the shirt is to be believed, Rachel's entire extended family is crazy too. It would explain a lot actually.
After peeing, he heads towards Rachel's room and finds her pulling back the sheets, dressed in pink and black plaid flannel pants and a pink tank top with a gold star. He drops his clothes on his side of the bed as she slides in between the sheets. Puck groans as she sets her alarm clock.
"Please tell me you're not going to get up in two hours to exercise."
"Certainly not," Rachel replies. "However, I am supposed to meet Santana for brunch, and I hate to be late. Don’t worry. It's not early."
"It better not be," he grumbles as he settles in.
"Good night, Noah," Rachel says. "I had fun."
"Course you did, Berry," Puck replies. "I know how to show a girl a good time."
Rachel flicks the light off and they're plunged into darkness. Puck feels slightly awkward just sleeping with a girl, but he's tired and buzzed so it isn't too difficult for him to drift back to sleep.
…
The next day Rachel meets Santana for their usual Saturday brunch. Thankfully, Puck is willing to get up and go home to crash. She's lucky neither of her fathers saw Puck in her bed. Even if they know about her and Santana, Rachel isn't sure what they'd think of their little girl sharing her bed with an ex boyfriend.
Since Rachel usually spends Friday nights with Puck, Santana spends hers with Brittany. She knows everyone thinks she's too naïve and trusting, but since Santana's more than satisfied in the sexual aspect of their relationship, Rachel feels confident that if Santana says nothing is going on with Brittany, then nothing is.
Feeling stupid, she hands Santana the sign with a big white bow on it. She hopes that the bow aspect is cute and not insane.
"Is this what I think it is?"
"I don't know," Rachel replies. "Do you think it's a stolen Yield sign?"
"Yeah."
"Then it is what you think it is."
"Why?
"Noah says I need to be somewhat bad ass. He said it's required as your girlfriend. So he suggested this."
"He did, huh."
"And I'll admit, it was sort of cool. Knowing we could easily be seen and that we were taking something we weren't supposed to. I'll admit that I had more fun than I ever thought I would doing something so juvenile and stupid."
"God," Santana groaned. "Puck is going to corrupt you until you're throwing pee balloons at people."
"Santana, that's disgusting. I would never in a million years do that."
"I'm just saying he's a bad influence."
"Didn't you just say last week, I need to loosen up?" Rachel questions. "Well here's me loosening up."
Santana glances at the sign and then back up at her girlfriend. "So you had a good time, huh?"
Rachel nods.
"You planning on doing anything else illegal?"
"I don't know," Rachel shrugs. "Maybe."
"Well, then maybe we should skip pancakes and head back to your place."
"What? Why?"
"So I can properly thank you."
"Oh. Oh! Okay."
…
With Santana's very enthusiastic response to the stolen Yield sigh, Rachel decides to see if it applies to all acts of vandalism. She stays on the lookout for something to pull.
She's exiting the girls' bathroom when she notices the precarious way the signs are attached to the door.
The next day during first period, she excuses herself and makes her way to the bathrooms. Using a screwdriver she "borrowed" from Noah, she pries the two signs off and puts the girls' sign on the boys' door and vice versa. It'll be interesting to see who actually reads the door and who just walks in.
…
At lunch, everyone is talking about the bathroom mix up. Rachel just smiles and nods as people talk. It seems most people just walked in without looking at the signs. But those who did take the time to look, caused confusion for everyone else.
"I just don't understand the confusion," Kurt says. "The boys have urinals and the girls don't. So if you, Tina, were to walk in and see urinals, you would simply turn around and use the other one."
"This is McKinley," Artie says.
"Yeah," Mercedes agrees. "We're definitely not known for our Mensa members."
"I'm pretty sure we don't have anyone who would even qualify for Mensa," Rachel adds.
"We have people who can't even spell Mensa," Tina says.
"Anyone know who's behind it?" Artie asks.
"Not yet," Kurt answers. "But I'm sure it'll get around tomorrow. Someone will break down and brag."
…
Santana has an extended Cheerios' practice, so Rachel walks home by herself and begins her homework. Her house is quiet and so she turns on her iPod and fills her room with the songs of Andrew Lloyd Weber.
She's nearly done with her paper on WWII when a rock hits her bedroom window. Annoyed, she stands and opens it.
Only to be hit in the shoulder with a small rock. Rachel sighs. She really should have expected that after the last time.
"Why didn't you just ring the doorbell?" Rachel shouts down to Santana.
"I did," Santana snaps. "I rang it like fifty times. I even held it down for over a minute. You obviously couldn't hear it over the concert going on in your room."
Rachel just shakes her head and slams the window shut. She turns down the music and heads downstairs to open the door for Santana.
"I should just give you a key," Rachel throws, walking back up the stairs.
"No way," Santana replies. "That's way too…committed."
"Actually, I just don't want to be hit with rocks anymore."
"Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. Two times."
They both settle onto Rachel's bed and work on homework.
"So it seems that someone switched the bathroom signs at school today," Santana comments once they're done.
"Oh?" Rachel asks. "That's interesting."
"It was hilarious actually," Santana replies. "We go to school with a bunch of morons."
"Well, that's certainly true."
"No one's sure who's behind it," Santana continues. "Though I have a few ideas."
"You do?"
"Seems like my girlfriend has gotten in touch with her bad side," Santana says. "My only hope is that this is just the beginning."
"It might be," Rachel answers. "Depends on the response."
"Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I like it."
"Oh?"
"Definitely," Santana replies. "It's about time your kooky brain was put to good use."
"Hey. I prefer eccentric."
"If the shoe fits," Santana says. "How long do we have the house to ourselves?"
"Till ten at least," Rachel answers. "When do you have to be home?"
"Not for many, many hours."
…
Days later during fourth period, Santana receives a text from her girlfriend.
I just wanted to let you know that using the toilets in the girls' locker room this afternoon during Cheerio's practice isn't a good idea.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean, she thinks. What the hell is Rachel up to now?
…
She finds out that afternoon when she hears squeals of outrage coming from the stalls.
"What the hell?"
"Oh," Brittany replies. "Someone put Saran Wrap on all the toilets."
"Oh. You use 'em?"
"No. Becky and I got a text earlier telling us not to. So we went before."
"Interesting."
"It's like we have a fairy god mother for bathrooms."
"Maybe," Santana concedes. "Who was the text from?"
"Unknown number," Brittany replies.
"Why aren't you slackers on the field yet?!" Coach Sylvester's voice booms.
Her answer is shouting and bitching as they try to explain that they're wearing their own urine.
"Save it! You have five minutes to be out there and ready to go or else!"
Santana looks at Brittany who just shrugs and the pair head out of the locker room.
…
Rachel is in her usual place, leaning against the lockers outside by the locker room. Usually she practices in the auditorium while the Cheerios practice and they'll leave together after.
"You are in so much trouble," Santana tells her.
"Whatever for?" Rachel asks.
"You and your delinquent ways are very hot," Santana replies. "Plus that skirt is indecently short. Thank god your dads work late till tonight."
"Homework, first."
"How about sex, then homework, then sex?" Santana counters. "That skirt leaves nothing to the imagination babe. I would have jumped you during third if we didn't have that quiz."
"Well I appreciate both your restraint and your desire for me sexually."
"You're lucky that I find your vocabulary hot too."
…
A few days later the fire alarm goes off during sixth. It's not a drill, so everyone files out and stand in the parking lot. No one can see any smoke or fire and all the chemistry projects currently happening are all non flammable.
Fire trucks are soon filling the parking lot. Everyone watches as the firefighters run inside. Twenty minutes later, they exit having found nothing.
Everyone troupes back inside, but teachers' aren't able to maintain order for the rest of the day and most eventually give up. The last period of the day becomes a free period.
…
A few days later the hockey team finds every single puck in the school glued together and rolling down the halls like a runaway log. Of course, no one knows anything. Interestingly, everyone's first thought is a rival school, except McKinley's team isn't good enough to invite sabotage.
Figgins makes an announcement about it the next morning. It seems he's more pissed that he has to use his already floundering budget money on replacement pucks than he is about the prank itself. In homerooms, everyone glances around trying to pinpoint the culprit as he speaks. No one takes the credit though.
…
About a week later, Will receives a text from an unknown number. Figuring it can't hurt to read it, he opens it.
It would be advisable to stay out of the teacher's lounge today. Or if you must enter DO NOT sit. ---a friend
Having overheard the kids talks about these texts, he knows they're from the mysterious prankster. He'd been hoping the lack of incidents over the past week, meant the person had given up. Apparently not.
He decides there's no harm in mentioning it to Emma. His imagination has gone wild about what might be happening and he knows that Emma will want no part of it.
He knocks on her door. She looks up guiltily from her phone.
"Hey," Will says. "You got a sec?"
"I do," she nods.
"I just got the most interesting text," he explains. "I thought you should read it as well." He hands over his phone and watches her read it. She pales.
"I actually received this text as well," she tells him, holding up her phone.
Will's eyes make out, It would be advisable to stay out, before stopping. The situation just became even odder.
Not sure what to do, they both agree to never mention it again and separate to have lunch in their individual offices.
The squawks of outrage easily reach Emma's office, but with the door closed, she pretends to be unaware. She's just so thankful that whoever is behind all this seems to like her.
…
The pinnacle of the prank pulling is reached a week later when Figgins returns from his lunch meeting with the superintendent to find his glass office filled with a dozen chickens covered in red and white paint. The chicks are flying and squawking around and there is paint everywhere. No one knows how they got there, especially when the front office has never been empty.
The bell rings as he's trying to calm down and figure out what to do. It doesn't take long for everyone to notice something is up. And it takes even less time for the students to start gathering around Figgins' office, laughing, taking pictures and texting their friends to come see.
When the bell rings for sixth period, almost no one is in a classroom. The halls are packed with students, teachers, cafeteria staff, and janitors trying to get a glimpse of the office full of chickens.
After about ten minutes of attempting to usher everyone to their proper destination, Figgins gives up and has someone announce of the PA that school is cancelled for the rest of the day. This clears out most of the students. A few stay to take some pictures or videos before scrambling away.
…
Of course after all the paint has been wiped off and the chicken feathers picked up, Figgins starts vigorously searching for the culprit. The problem is that he has no leads. No one confesses. Not that he expected them to. He was instead hoping someone would look slightly guilty or extremely cocky, but they all appear innocent. Figgins is at a loss and the entire school anxiously waits to see what will happen next.
A week passes, then two and still nothing. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Maybe whoever it is has decided to stop.
Of course the moment people begin to relax, is the moment that something happens.
…
The halls of McKinley feel off to Kurt. The past two months have been filled with pranks and vandalism galore. First it was just simple things like the fire alarm being pulled. And no one minded that. Because getting out of class, even for a half hour is better than nothing.
But then it was blood coming out of the showers in the boys' locker room one afternoon after practice. Of course it wasn't actual blood, just ketchup and Kool-Aid mixed together, but at the time it seemed real. Kurt only wishes he had been to get pictures of them running out and screaming like little girls. Finn said, in hindsight, it was hilarious.
There was also grape jell-o in the pool. Kurt is still a bit puzzled about that one. He didn't think chlorine would be conductive to making jell-o. He wonders if they drained the pool and just used real water, except it seems like far too of a involved process.
All the usual suspects have been questions, but half the football team and most of the hockey team is too stupid to pull it off. Coach Sylvester is always an option, but since things have happened to the Cheerios, it was dismissed. Then there's Santana, who happened to have an alibi and Puck who was actually in Figgins' office when something happened elsewhere.
The entire school is stumped and waiting anxiously for the next axe to fall.
Kurt has a few ideas since nothing's happened to glee club; usually they're the first targets. He thinks Puck and Santana are working together. Both are much more mellow since the prolonged exposure to Rachel has begun. Kurt isn't complaining because it seems to have mellowed Rachel out too. Kurt figures it's a way to maintain their reputations without having to endure a Rachel Berry lecture, which Kurt doesn’t blame them for.
Just as he's about to enter the guys' bathroom, he receives a text. Sighing, he opens his phone figuring it's Mercedes with some more insane gossip.
Instead it's from an unknown number.
Apprehensive, Kurt reads the text. If you value your clothing, I would recommend not using the first floor boys' bathroom. --a friend
Well, now Kurt is very curious, but he also values his clothes. He wonders whom he can get to check it out. Maybe Finn. He sends a text.
Meet me by 1st flr bthrm ASAP
Moments later, Finn appears. "What's up?"
"I need you to go in there and check it out."
Finn looks confused. "Why? It's the same bathroom it's always been, right?"
"I don't know," Kurt answers. "Maybe. I'm not sure, so I need you to check."
"How could you not know?" Finn continues.
"I just don't. Okay?"
"Why me?"
"Because I trust you."
"I can't."
"Why not?" Kurt questions.
"I got a text before telling me to stay out or I'd regret it."
"You too, huh?"
"You got one?"
"It says if I value my clothes to stay out. But now I'm very curious."
"What are you guys doing?"
Finn and Kurt both jump. They turn to find Tina behind them.
"You wouldn't believe us if we told you," Kurt answers.
"Oh. Okay. Well, I'm going to the bathroom. See you guys later."
Kurt expects Tina to cross in front of them, but she instead waves and heads towards the stairs.
"Where are you going?"
"To the bathroom, like I just said," Tina replies.
"What's wrong with the one we're standing in front of?"
"Needed some exercise, so I'm using the one on the second floor," Tina explains and runs off.
"What do you suppose that's about?" Finn asks.
"A mystery for sure," Kurt says.
…
At lunch, there's talk everywhere of what's happening in the first floor bathroom. Some people are warning their friends off while others are telling them to go in and then laughing at their misfortune.
"This school becomes more and more crazy every day," Mercedes says, looking around.
"What is everyone gossiping about now?" Rachel asks, sitting. "No one's pregnant are they?"
"Have you gone to the bathroom today?" Mercedes asks.
"That's a bit personal, isn't it?"
"Have you been in the first floor bathroom today?" Kurt asks.
"No," Rachel replies. "Without the slushie facials, my bathroom visits are down considerably. Why?"
"Apparently it's prank central," Artie says.
"Oh." Rachel shrugs. "Well that explains the text I got earlier, warning me away."
"You got one too?" Kurt asks, excitedly.
"D you know who else got one?" Mercedes asks.
"I believe you two would know more than me," Rachel replies.
"Hi guys," Brittany says, sitting next to Rachel. "Santana wanted me to ask if you guys got the text today?"
"About the bathroom?" Tina asks.
"Yeah."
"Apparently we all did," Rachel answers.
"Did Santana send them?" Mercedes asks.
"I don't think so," Brittany replies. "We got them at the same time. And it didn't say Santana on my phone. None of the other Cheerios got them, except Becky. Santana wanted to know if you guys got one, so she can figure it out. Okay? Thanks. Bye." Brittany jumps up, pats Rachel on the head and skips off.
"See," Kurt says. "I told you it was Santana."
"What did she do now?" Rachel asks.
"Sent those texts."
"But Brittany just said she didn't," Tina points out.
"So?" Mercedes replies. "Santana probably told her to say that."
"What is the big deal if she sent the texts?" Rachel asks.
"Because that means she's behind all the pranks around here lately," Kurt explains.
"Didn't she have an alibi for the fire alarm and the jell-o in the pool?" Tina questions.
"So? That just means she has an accomplice," Kurt says.
Kurt, Mercedes, Tina and Artie all look at Rachel. After a couple minutes, Rachel can't stand it and says, "What?"
"You're not mad?" Mercedes asks.
"Why would I be mad?"
"At Santana for pulling all this stuff," Artie says.
"Look, you have no proof," Rachel points out. "And if she is, she's warning us out of the way. So who cares?"
"But--" Kurt tries.
"I'm not her keeper," Rachel replies. "That's Coach Sylvester."
"But you're dating," Kurt sputters.
"I am well aware of this."
"But you were so possessive with Finn and what's-his-name," Mercedes points out.
"And look how well those relationships worked out," Rachel replies.
"She's got a point," Artie says.
"I will never understand you, girl," Mercedes says.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Kurt mutters.
"As pleasant as this has been," Rachel says, standing. "You'll have to excuse me. I need to talk to Mr. Schuester." She turns and flounces out of the lunch room.
"She has to know," Kurt says.
"Kurt," Tina says. "I say this as a friend. Maybe you should just drop it."
"Spoil sport."
…
That afternoon in glee, everyone is still talking about the bathroom. It seems everyone in glee club received a warning text. Therefore, no one's quite sure what the joke was. And most people who experienced it, aren't willing to share. Tina thinks it's shame; Kurt thinks it's malice.
"They just want to be able to laugh at other people who go in," he tells everyone. "The students in this school are cruel jackasses."
No one disagrees with that.
"Rachel can you do me a favor?" Kurt asks.
"I don't know Kurt, what do you need?"
"Will you please, please convince your girlfriend to stop terrorizing the school? It's starting to get out of hand."
"But she's so good at it," Rachel protests.
"I think he's talking about the insane juvenile stunts, babe," Santana tells her.
"Juvenile, huh?"
"One might say that."
"Would you say that?" Rachel asks.
"Ladies, I believe we're getting off topic, here."
"Not really," Santana replies. "Since I'm not the one pulling shit."
"It has to be you," Mercedes insists. "Puck's not smart enough to have pulled off the chicken thing."
"Hey!"
"Well that's true," Santana allows.
"Hey!"
Everyone else mumbles agreements.
"You guys suck," Puck grumbles.
"But just because Puck takes the short bus, doesn't mean it's me. They are plenty of other capable people in this dump."
"Yeah," Brittany adds.
"Brittany," Kurt says. "Are you claiming responsibility for this?"
"What if she was?" Santana asks.
Because it's Brittany, everyone tries not to laugh; but there is definite snickering.
"Do we have to talk about this now?" Rachel interrupts. "As team captain, I believe we should be focusing more on practicing and not about the terror being brought down around us; especially since we seem to be immune."
Everyone just stares at her.
"What?"
"I would have thought that you of all people would want to know who's behind this," Artie says.
"Why?"
"Because you're Rachel Berry," Kurt sputters.
"Hmmm. That is a good reason," Rachel agrees. "But unfortunately, I don't."
Santana grabs Rachel and pulls her to the side. "Nice. Now they're still going to assume it's me," she hisses. "And we both know it's not."
"They wouldn't believe it's me for one second, darling," Rachel whispers sweetly.
Santana growls because she knows Rachel is right. Looking up, she finds everyone staring at them. Kurt and Mercedes especially, she feels like she can actually see them straining to listen in.
"I plead the fifth," Santana says.
"Hah! I knew it," Kurt exclaims.
"All right, guys," Mr. Schuester says, clapping his hands. "I hate to interrupt this little…"
"Interrogation?" Rachel volunteers.
"But we really need to be rehearsing for sectionals."
Everyone lines up for the first number as Brad begins playing.
…
Because of the extensive amount of time between incidents, everyone is constantly on edge. No one is immune, except the glee kids. Thankfully, no one else seems to notice this, but them. They agree to keep it to themselves; they don’t want the wrath of the school on them.
Both Santana and Puck deny doing it, but no one seems to believe them. Rachel, oddly, seems indifferent. She doesn't seem to believe they're doing it, but at the same time, she isn't saying they aren't. Kurt finds this strange. He supposes it's her way of showing loyalty to her girlfriend and bro even if she believes they're behind it all.
…
Will doesn't know what to think. He agrees that the mastermind has to be in glee, especially after he and Emma received those warning texts, but he just can't figure out who it is. Puck and Santana, the most obvious candidates, have vehemently denied it, over and over again. Even after threats of all types, so he's inclined to believe them. But who else could it be? In his mind, the only other option is Quinn, but she seems to prefer having people knowing that she's terrorizing them.
So he simply hold his tongue at staff meetings. Sue tries blaming glee club, but Will counters that her Cheerios are far more cruel and devious.
"They probably learned it from you," he finishes.
This, of course, results in a massive argument that becomes a shouting match. It only ends because Figgins literally drags Will out of the room, still arguing the entire time.
Needless to say, the topic is tabled for the time being.
…
Rachel can admit she started this whole thing because Santana really seemed to like it; really, really seemed to. But now that she's almost holding the school figuratively hostage as they wait for her next move, she thinks there might be other reasons behind her continued antics. She finds it a bit intoxicating. It doesn't matter that no one except Santana knows it's her. Rachel knows and that's enough. It almost makes up for the really shitty way she's been treated at McKinley. Almost.
Everyone thinks that the varying amounts of time between incidents is to fuck with them. In reality, Rachel needs time to come up with ideas and then time to figure out how to pull them off. Plus lately, a lot of them require a bit of a set up time. Fucking with them is just a bonus.
…
About ten days after the bathroom incident, every single member of glee club receives a text ten minutes into second period.
You should excuse yourself from class and go outside. You have fifteen minutes. ---a friend
Each and every member gathers up their things and their hands shoot in the air. The girls mostly say it's their time of the month, though Brittany cites Coach Sylvester, as does Kurt. The boys just request bathroom passes. Thankfully, no teacher finds this suspicious.
They all end up in the parking lot, wondering and waiting. Finn has somehow gotten a hold of a football, so he and Puck play catch with Mike and Matt. Artie pulls wheelies while Brittany tries to copy him in her own wheelchair. No one knows where she got it. Mercedes and Kurt are leaning against a car watching. Tina's flipping through a magazine as Quinn draws something in her notebook. Santana and Rachel are behind the car, making out.
Initially, Kurt had tried to get everyone to discuss who the mysterious texter is, but weirdly no one seemed interested. They seemed to content to simply reap the benefits.
A moment later, Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury exit the school. Everyone, except Rachel and Santana look for a place to hide.
"I assume everyone got a text?" Mr. Schuester says as he approaches them.
"You don't think the school is going to explode, do you?" Ms. Pillsbury asks.
"That seems a bit extreme," Mr. Schuester replies.
"Yes, but why else would we be asked to exit the building?"
"Apparently the sprinklers are going off."
Everyone whips around to find Coach Sylvester behind them.
"Sue," Mr. Schuester says. "What are you doing here?"
"It seems that someone out there likes me," Coach Sylvester replies. "Received a little text moments ago advising me to exit immediately. Normally, I don't follow the advice of strangers, but since the last text about the teacher's lounge proved to be accurate, I figured it would be wise to obey this one as well. Just as I was stepping outside, the fire alarms went off and the sprinklers began spraying water everywhere. Quite a mess. And imagine my surprise to find you out here with your little glee freaks. Very suspicious William, very suspicious."
"Wait a minute," Mr. Schuester says. "You were warned away from the fly paper in the teacher's lounge too?"
"I was indeed," Coach Sylvester replies. "It seems that the gods are smiling on me. I always knew it, but having such blatant evidence sometimes makes everything shine a bit brighter."
The rest of the school has joined them outside, all looking like wet dogs. When questioned why they aren't soaked, everyone says they're having a glee club meeting outside. The timing is just a coincidence. Luckily, everyone is too distracted to really analyze that statement.
Because no one can get the sprinklers to stop, school is cancelled for the rest of the day.
…
"Not that I'm criticizing," Santana says later in Rachel's bedroom. "But I don't understand why you texted Coach too."
"So she wouldn't take her anger out on you," Rachel replies.
Santana shakes her head in amusement.
"What?"
"Only you could manage to be adorably sweet and smokin' hot at the same time," Santana tells her.
"Well, I am very talented."
"Thank god for that."
…
Puck is getting sick of being blamed for the chaos in McKinley. Especially since he's not behind it. He has no problem accepting responsibility for the shit he has pulled. But being falsely accused, repeatedly? Sucks out loud.
He had a feeling he knows who's behind everything, but he has no real evidence. It's finding out that Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury are receiving warnings too that convinces him it's Rachel.
He was content to let it go. Everyone thinking he's behind it all is doing wonders for his rep. Girls actually approach him now and ask him out. He has to do almost no work to get laid. It's been awesome.
But after the sprinklers, Figgins pulls Puck into his office and tells them it has to stop.
"Like I told you before and before that, I'm not doing it," Puck tells him.
"I don't care," Figgins replies. "This entire situation is getting out of hand. If they don’t stop, I will have to expel you."
"What?!" Puck jumps up. "That's not fucking fair."
"Language, Mr. Puckerman. And I am well aware how unfair it is," Figgins continues. "But I have no choice. The culprit must be found. And I'm beginning to agree with Coach Sylvester that it has to be someone in glee. Since you're the most likely candidate, you're the one that will be expelled."
Puck stomps out of the office and exits the school. He goes to the parking lot and sits in his truck. He can't be expelled, it would break his mother's heart. Not to mention it would mean he's never getting out of this loser town.
It seems a confrontation is in order.
…
Puck decides it's easier to confront Rachel without Santana around. He figures she'll be easier to convince that way.
He literally grabs her during lunch, knowing Santana won't be looking for her since the pair don't sit together at lunch. So as Rachel walks by, Puck seizes her arm and pulls her into a corner of the lunch room.
"Noah, what is the meaning of this?" Rachel demands.
"We need to talk," he tells her.
"And you couldn't have just told me that? Must you be so secretive and aggressive?"
"Yeah, I must."
"So what do we need to discuss?"
"I know it's you."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"C'mon Rach," Puck replies. "We've been bros for a while now; I know you. You're the only one who could have pulled off all this insanity without anyone catching you. And I know you know how to keep a secret."
"Even if you were correct," Rachel allows. "Why would I stop?"
"Because your bro asked."
"But you were right, Noah," Rachel says. "Santana definitely loves me being a bad ass."
"So? You told me before that you had no problems in that department."
"I did," Rachel agrees. "But now? It's even hotter. There are days I can't even sit without being reminded of what happened the night before. Just last week, I almost stayed home because I could barely walk. And my wrists are definitely getting sore; thank god for toys. Not to mention my tongue is getting so much exercise. It's great for my singing."
"Oh my fucking god! You're killing me, Berry," Puck groans. "Don't tell me that shit. I've been trying to be a good bro and not think about you naked anymore. That is so not helping."
"Ah, Noah, that is so sweet," Rachel coos.
"Don't start with me, Berry," Puck growls. "It's because I like my nuts where they are and your girlfriend threatened to ripe them off unless I take the two of you out of my spank bank."
"I do admire her follow through," Rachel muses. "It's still sweet of you, though."
"Does this mean you'll stop?" Puck asks.
"I don't know," Rachel replies. "What's in it for me?"
"Helping out your bro, of course."
"I've been warning you beforehand," Rachel points out. "Isn't that enough?"
"Don't make me beg, Rachel."
"You mean you'd be willing to?"
"Figgins is going to expel me," Puck hisses. "He says he doesn't care if I'm behind it or not. Someone has to pay."
"He can't do that," Rachel protests. "He can't punish you just because you did stupid things in the past."
"But he is," Puck tells her. "So you have to stop."
"But I'm having fun. I finally understand the lure of delinquency, Noah."
"Awesome. Can you just limit it to bro night?" Puck asks.
Rachel sighs. She's been having fun, but the responsible side of her knows she should stop. Eventually she will be caught; her pranks are becoming too elaborate. And she's running low on ideas. But the rush of adrenaline when she's setting things up to the pride she feels when something happens without a hitch to the power she feels as the school cowers, waiting for her to strike; it's all so intoxicating.
"All right," she says finally. "But only because I don't want you get be expelled."
"Thanks."
"I have no idea where we'd find a twelfth person to fit your spot in glee before sectionals."
"Your concern for me is overwhelming."
…
"You should have just let him get expelled," Santana grumbles that night.
Homework first is still the rule, so they're both stretched out on Rachel's bed, studying.
"Santana," Rachel says scandalized. "Education is vital to one's survival. I couldn’t let him be deprived of that."
"Yeah, but it's not your fault he's dumb enough to get caught."
"Maybe so, but I already promised, so you can't talk me out of it," Rachel replies.
"Really?" Santana leers. "There's nothing I can do to change your mind?"
Before her brain can completely register that statement, Santana has removed her Cheerio's uniform.
"Should I be worried about how quickly you're able to undress?" Rachel finally manages to ask.
"It benefits you quite nicely."
Rachel feels herself getting wet staring at her seductively posed girlfriend. "However your attempts to change my mind about Noah will not work. I promised him and I always keep my promises."
"Fine," Santana huffs. She rolls onto her stomach and resumes working on her math homework.
"You can't possibly expect me to concentrate on Great Expectations with you lying there like that?" Rachel squeaks.
"This is how I want to study," Santana replies. "You're the one that insists we do our homework first."
"You are so evil," Rachel grumbles, opening her book back up.
"And you love it."
"You're lucky you're hot," Rachel gripes as she attempts to read.
"Yeah, I am."
Author: slacker_d
Pairing/Characters: Rachel/Santana, Puck, Brittany, Kurt, Mercedes, Tina, Artie, Finn, Will, Figgins, Sue, Emma
Rating: R
Summary: Puck tries to convince Rachel to be more bad ass. He succeeds a little too well.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: ~7,600
Spoilers: None really.
A/N: Follows Cuffed and Physics and Golf.
2nd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
"I'm just trying to help," Puck explains. "This bad assery will totally get you laid."
"Noah, trust me, that's definitely not a problem," Rachel replies. "Besides, Santana is bad ass enough for both of us, don't you think?"
"Hell, yeah, she is," Puck agrees. "But that doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy seeing it in others. Why do you think she slept with the Puckasauras?"
Rachel sighs. Even though it's old news that Santana and Noah were a thing, and that she herself briefly dated Noah, Rachel still hates when he brings up the fact that he slept with her girlfriend. Probably because he makes it sound so… lewd and dirty. She also hates that she's jealous of such an old and dysfunctional relationship.
"I don't know. Because you both like sex?"
"That too," Puck says. "But it's the bad boy image that drew her in."
"If you say so, Noah," Rachel replies.
"I still can't believe Santana let you come out and bro it up with me after last time," Puck says.
They're currently in Puck's truck drinking beers. Puck's had three to Rachel's less than one, but for once he's not giving her a hard time about it.
"Let me?" Rachel questions. "Just because Santana and I are dating, doesn’t mean she's my boss."
"Oh really? That's not what I heard."
"Noah, stop trying to stir up trouble," Rachel says. "It won't work."
Normally, Rachel would disapprove of drinking and driving, but Noah promised three was his limit and that once they accomplished their mission, they'd head back to her place. Besides, they're mostly just parked while Noah searches out the perfect target.
Of course, he still has to talk her into it. While admittedly, she's been up for many of the "bro" activities Noah's suggested, vandalism and stealing have always been a sticking point.
"C'mon Berry," Puck continues. "You can't go through high school without doing something stupid and juvenile."
"You say that every time, Noah," Rachel points out.
"That doesn’t mean it's not true. We live in an insanely small town," Puck says. "So we gotta do stupid shit to stop us from dying from boredom. Tell me, you've never been a little curious."
"Of course I have been," Rachel replies. "But it's more a curiosity of why you idiots continue your childish antics."
"Just this once," Puck says. "If you don't have fun, I won't suggest anything illegal ever again. Scout's honor."
"They kicked you out of scouts. For hitting on someone's 21 year old sister."
Puck shrugs. "Her loss. So?"
She's still not sure, but she does know that Noah keeps his promises. If she really hates it, it will never be an issue again. Rachel sighs. "Fine."
"Hell yeah."
…
"I was thinking this sign, here," Puck says. "Since it's your first time, it should be something easy. But I don't think the sign itself sends the right message."
They're in the Sack-n-Pack parking lot. The store's closed and the employees are trickling out.
"What message is that?" Rachel asks.
"Do not enter? C'mon, Berry."
"You cannot be serious."
"I am. Same reason a stop sign is out too."
"Or maybe it could be a sign that isn't red and white," Rachel tells him.
"Those are the McKinley colors."
"Noah, I abhor our school."
"Santana doesn't."
"Yes she does," Rachel replies. "She's just better at hiding it."
"Well, too bad," Puck says. "Because I know the perfect sign." He points to the other side of the parking lot.
"The Yield sign, really?"
"Yeah. It means slow down, but don't stop. And triangles are cool, especially equilateral ones."
"Are you trying to argue with geometry?"
"Yeah. So?" Puck is defensive.
"I just never thought you knew what geometry was."
"Shut up."
…
Puck hands Rachel the crescent wrench and she begins to loosen the bolts. She gets the bottom one off easily enough when they see head lights, so they duck down until the car passes. Once it's gone, Rachel loosens the top bolt and Puck catches the sign before it crashes to the ground.
They put it in the back of Puck's truck and speed off.
"So now what?" Rachel asks.
"Whadda mean?" Puck replies. "Give it to her. Put a bow or something on it, if you want."
"A bow?" Rachel asks. "I hardly think that's appropriate."
"You'll figure it out," Puck tells her. "C'mon. I've got to get my sign."
"And what sign would that be?"
"Mile marker 69, of course."
"Noah, that's like twenty miles out of town. I thought you said there wouldn't be that much driving."
"I did."
"Well, if I'd known you were planning on attempting highway driving, I wouldn't have let you drink."
"I know," Puck replies. "Why do you think I didn't tell you?"
"You're a real jerk weasel, Noah."
"Oooh. So mean. Words hurt, you know, Rach."
…
Noah's sign is much easier to procure. Being on the side of the highway at midnight is a bit creepy and Rachel is paranoid a car is going to come speeding along and hit them. But it's over quick; Noah has obviously done this before and they're back in his truck before Rachel really starts to panic.
"I'm not sure drinking agrees with you," Puck says on the way back. "You always get really weird when we do."
"Did you ever think it's because it's also because you're simultaneously trying to get me to do something insane?"
Puck pretends to think it over. "No. I'm pretty sure it's you."
They end up at Rachel's this time. Her dads are of course not home; workaholics are like that. After hiding the sign in her room, Rachel flops on the couch next to Puck. He's already finished a beer. Rachel grabs one out of the cooler at their feet and gingerly opens it.
"Just so you know," Rachel says. "I'm not letting you drive home drunk."
"That's fine. I can just crash in your bed," Puck leers.
"I'm sure that'll go over well."
Puck finally settles on crazy action movie. It's better than his usual horror movie choices, so Rachel just accepts it and slowly sips her beer.
"So things are going really well in the sex department?" Puck asks a bit later.
"Excuse me?"
"C'mon, Rach," Puck replies. "This is what bros do. Talk about chicks."
"Does that include talking to a former boyfriend of my current girlfriend?"
"Are you feeling threatened?" Puck mocks.
Rachel smirks. "My girl is more than satisfied, thank you very much."
"All I have to say is that it's a shame you and I didn't work out, you must be a freak in the sheets," Puck says.
"Excuse me?"
"Well, Santana has been such a pussy lately," Puck explains. "I figured you must be keeping her on a short leash. And since that girl has been around the block a few times, you must be something special."
"I'm not sure whether to be insulted or flattered."
"Definitely flattered, Rach, you know that," Puck answers. "It is my greatest regret that you never got to fully experience what's it like to be sexed by the Puckerone."
"I'm sure it's a momentous occasion," Rachel replies, dryly.
"You know the offer of a threesome is always on the table."
"Which is where it'll be staying," Rachel tells him. "When we have a threesome, it won't include you, I'm sorry to say bro."
"A shame, really. We would have some hot times."
They lapse back into silence.
Once again, it is Puck who breaks the silence. "But she treats you good?"
"She treats me very well, Noah, I promise," Rachel replies. "It's sweet of you to care."
"Yeah, well, us hot Jews have to stick together."
"I suppose that's true."
"But I've been meaning to ask you," Puck continues. "How come you don't make her walk you through the halls like we did?"
"Ah, well, that was my concession to her," Rachel explains.
"Your what?"
"I know how she feels about me," Rachel replies. "So if Santana wants to walk around the halls, pinkie linked with Brittany's, who am I to stop her?"
"You know everyone thinks the two of 'em are doing it behind your back, right?"
"As if I care what those cretins think," Rachel tells them. "They're just jealous."
"Can you blame them?" Puck asks. "You two are so hot together. And making out in the halls is just cruel."
Rachel just smirks.
…
Puck does end up crashing on the couch. Actually Rachel and Puck both fall asleep sometime into the second stupid movie Puck finds on cable.
Puck wakes up around four with the intense need to pee. He groans and tries to stretch only to find his movements completely restricted. Blinking a few times, he opens his eyes to find himself stretched out on the Berry couch with Rachel on top of him. Internally he curses; if Santana ever found out about this, she'd kick him in the nuts. He knows this for a fact; she's told him so.
"Rach," he tries. "Rachel. Wake up."
"No. Comfy," she murmurs.
"C'mon, I gotta pee."
"Sleeping."
Puck sighs and thinks. "And the Tony goes to Rachel Berry."
She sits up. "What?" She looks around. "We fell asleep." She slowly stands and stretches. "Come on," she says, pulling him up.
"Ah, you're not going to kick me out, are you?" Puck looks at the clock. It's like 4 a.m."
"We're going to bed."
"We are?" Puck leers. "That's hot. Too bad I'm so tired."
"To sleep, Noah," Rachel replies. "This couch is fine for an afternoon nap, but not for a proper night of sleep. My bed is huge. It's fine."
"Not according to your girlfriend," Puck says as Rachel pulls him up the stairs.
"What she doesn't know, won't hurt her," Rachel tells him. "Besides, we're not going to be doing anything other than sleeping."
Rachel pulls Puck into her fathers' bedroom. She opens a draw and hands him some black sweatpants and purple T-Shirt that reads Berry-rific Family Reunion 2005.
"You can change in here," she continues. "Come in whenever you're done." She leaves him alone.
He quickly strips down to his boxers and pulls on the offered clothes. Thankfully, Rachel's Daddy is about Puck's height, so the sweats fit just fine. The shirt he puts on feeling odd. If the shirt is to be believed, Rachel's entire extended family is crazy too. It would explain a lot actually.
After peeing, he heads towards Rachel's room and finds her pulling back the sheets, dressed in pink and black plaid flannel pants and a pink tank top with a gold star. He drops his clothes on his side of the bed as she slides in between the sheets. Puck groans as she sets her alarm clock.
"Please tell me you're not going to get up in two hours to exercise."
"Certainly not," Rachel replies. "However, I am supposed to meet Santana for brunch, and I hate to be late. Don’t worry. It's not early."
"It better not be," he grumbles as he settles in.
"Good night, Noah," Rachel says. "I had fun."
"Course you did, Berry," Puck replies. "I know how to show a girl a good time."
Rachel flicks the light off and they're plunged into darkness. Puck feels slightly awkward just sleeping with a girl, but he's tired and buzzed so it isn't too difficult for him to drift back to sleep.
…
The next day Rachel meets Santana for their usual Saturday brunch. Thankfully, Puck is willing to get up and go home to crash. She's lucky neither of her fathers saw Puck in her bed. Even if they know about her and Santana, Rachel isn't sure what they'd think of their little girl sharing her bed with an ex boyfriend.
Since Rachel usually spends Friday nights with Puck, Santana spends hers with Brittany. She knows everyone thinks she's too naïve and trusting, but since Santana's more than satisfied in the sexual aspect of their relationship, Rachel feels confident that if Santana says nothing is going on with Brittany, then nothing is.
Feeling stupid, she hands Santana the sign with a big white bow on it. She hopes that the bow aspect is cute and not insane.
"Is this what I think it is?"
"I don't know," Rachel replies. "Do you think it's a stolen Yield sign?"
"Yeah."
"Then it is what you think it is."
"Why?
"Noah says I need to be somewhat bad ass. He said it's required as your girlfriend. So he suggested this."
"He did, huh."
"And I'll admit, it was sort of cool. Knowing we could easily be seen and that we were taking something we weren't supposed to. I'll admit that I had more fun than I ever thought I would doing something so juvenile and stupid."
"God," Santana groaned. "Puck is going to corrupt you until you're throwing pee balloons at people."
"Santana, that's disgusting. I would never in a million years do that."
"I'm just saying he's a bad influence."
"Didn't you just say last week, I need to loosen up?" Rachel questions. "Well here's me loosening up."
Santana glances at the sign and then back up at her girlfriend. "So you had a good time, huh?"
Rachel nods.
"You planning on doing anything else illegal?"
"I don't know," Rachel shrugs. "Maybe."
"Well, then maybe we should skip pancakes and head back to your place."
"What? Why?"
"So I can properly thank you."
"Oh. Oh! Okay."
…
With Santana's very enthusiastic response to the stolen Yield sigh, Rachel decides to see if it applies to all acts of vandalism. She stays on the lookout for something to pull.
She's exiting the girls' bathroom when she notices the precarious way the signs are attached to the door.
The next day during first period, she excuses herself and makes her way to the bathrooms. Using a screwdriver she "borrowed" from Noah, she pries the two signs off and puts the girls' sign on the boys' door and vice versa. It'll be interesting to see who actually reads the door and who just walks in.
…
At lunch, everyone is talking about the bathroom mix up. Rachel just smiles and nods as people talk. It seems most people just walked in without looking at the signs. But those who did take the time to look, caused confusion for everyone else.
"I just don't understand the confusion," Kurt says. "The boys have urinals and the girls don't. So if you, Tina, were to walk in and see urinals, you would simply turn around and use the other one."
"This is McKinley," Artie says.
"Yeah," Mercedes agrees. "We're definitely not known for our Mensa members."
"I'm pretty sure we don't have anyone who would even qualify for Mensa," Rachel adds.
"We have people who can't even spell Mensa," Tina says.
"Anyone know who's behind it?" Artie asks.
"Not yet," Kurt answers. "But I'm sure it'll get around tomorrow. Someone will break down and brag."
…
Santana has an extended Cheerios' practice, so Rachel walks home by herself and begins her homework. Her house is quiet and so she turns on her iPod and fills her room with the songs of Andrew Lloyd Weber.
She's nearly done with her paper on WWII when a rock hits her bedroom window. Annoyed, she stands and opens it.
Only to be hit in the shoulder with a small rock. Rachel sighs. She really should have expected that after the last time.
"Why didn't you just ring the doorbell?" Rachel shouts down to Santana.
"I did," Santana snaps. "I rang it like fifty times. I even held it down for over a minute. You obviously couldn't hear it over the concert going on in your room."
Rachel just shakes her head and slams the window shut. She turns down the music and heads downstairs to open the door for Santana.
"I should just give you a key," Rachel throws, walking back up the stairs.
"No way," Santana replies. "That's way too…committed."
"Actually, I just don't want to be hit with rocks anymore."
"Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. Two times."
They both settle onto Rachel's bed and work on homework.
"So it seems that someone switched the bathroom signs at school today," Santana comments once they're done.
"Oh?" Rachel asks. "That's interesting."
"It was hilarious actually," Santana replies. "We go to school with a bunch of morons."
"Well, that's certainly true."
"No one's sure who's behind it," Santana continues. "Though I have a few ideas."
"You do?"
"Seems like my girlfriend has gotten in touch with her bad side," Santana says. "My only hope is that this is just the beginning."
"It might be," Rachel answers. "Depends on the response."
"Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I like it."
"Oh?"
"Definitely," Santana replies. "It's about time your kooky brain was put to good use."
"Hey. I prefer eccentric."
"If the shoe fits," Santana says. "How long do we have the house to ourselves?"
"Till ten at least," Rachel answers. "When do you have to be home?"
"Not for many, many hours."
…
Days later during fourth period, Santana receives a text from her girlfriend.
I just wanted to let you know that using the toilets in the girls' locker room this afternoon during Cheerio's practice isn't a good idea.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean, she thinks. What the hell is Rachel up to now?
…
She finds out that afternoon when she hears squeals of outrage coming from the stalls.
"What the hell?"
"Oh," Brittany replies. "Someone put Saran Wrap on all the toilets."
"Oh. You use 'em?"
"No. Becky and I got a text earlier telling us not to. So we went before."
"Interesting."
"It's like we have a fairy god mother for bathrooms."
"Maybe," Santana concedes. "Who was the text from?"
"Unknown number," Brittany replies.
"Why aren't you slackers on the field yet?!" Coach Sylvester's voice booms.
Her answer is shouting and bitching as they try to explain that they're wearing their own urine.
"Save it! You have five minutes to be out there and ready to go or else!"
Santana looks at Brittany who just shrugs and the pair head out of the locker room.
…
Rachel is in her usual place, leaning against the lockers outside by the locker room. Usually she practices in the auditorium while the Cheerios practice and they'll leave together after.
"You are in so much trouble," Santana tells her.
"Whatever for?" Rachel asks.
"You and your delinquent ways are very hot," Santana replies. "Plus that skirt is indecently short. Thank god your dads work late till tonight."
"Homework, first."
"How about sex, then homework, then sex?" Santana counters. "That skirt leaves nothing to the imagination babe. I would have jumped you during third if we didn't have that quiz."
"Well I appreciate both your restraint and your desire for me sexually."
"You're lucky that I find your vocabulary hot too."
…
A few days later the fire alarm goes off during sixth. It's not a drill, so everyone files out and stand in the parking lot. No one can see any smoke or fire and all the chemistry projects currently happening are all non flammable.
Fire trucks are soon filling the parking lot. Everyone watches as the firefighters run inside. Twenty minutes later, they exit having found nothing.
Everyone troupes back inside, but teachers' aren't able to maintain order for the rest of the day and most eventually give up. The last period of the day becomes a free period.
…
A few days later the hockey team finds every single puck in the school glued together and rolling down the halls like a runaway log. Of course, no one knows anything. Interestingly, everyone's first thought is a rival school, except McKinley's team isn't good enough to invite sabotage.
Figgins makes an announcement about it the next morning. It seems he's more pissed that he has to use his already floundering budget money on replacement pucks than he is about the prank itself. In homerooms, everyone glances around trying to pinpoint the culprit as he speaks. No one takes the credit though.
…
About a week later, Will receives a text from an unknown number. Figuring it can't hurt to read it, he opens it.
It would be advisable to stay out of the teacher's lounge today. Or if you must enter DO NOT sit. ---a friend
Having overheard the kids talks about these texts, he knows they're from the mysterious prankster. He'd been hoping the lack of incidents over the past week, meant the person had given up. Apparently not.
He decides there's no harm in mentioning it to Emma. His imagination has gone wild about what might be happening and he knows that Emma will want no part of it.
He knocks on her door. She looks up guiltily from her phone.
"Hey," Will says. "You got a sec?"
"I do," she nods.
"I just got the most interesting text," he explains. "I thought you should read it as well." He hands over his phone and watches her read it. She pales.
"I actually received this text as well," she tells him, holding up her phone.
Will's eyes make out, It would be advisable to stay out, before stopping. The situation just became even odder.
Not sure what to do, they both agree to never mention it again and separate to have lunch in their individual offices.
The squawks of outrage easily reach Emma's office, but with the door closed, she pretends to be unaware. She's just so thankful that whoever is behind all this seems to like her.
…
The pinnacle of the prank pulling is reached a week later when Figgins returns from his lunch meeting with the superintendent to find his glass office filled with a dozen chickens covered in red and white paint. The chicks are flying and squawking around and there is paint everywhere. No one knows how they got there, especially when the front office has never been empty.
The bell rings as he's trying to calm down and figure out what to do. It doesn't take long for everyone to notice something is up. And it takes even less time for the students to start gathering around Figgins' office, laughing, taking pictures and texting their friends to come see.
When the bell rings for sixth period, almost no one is in a classroom. The halls are packed with students, teachers, cafeteria staff, and janitors trying to get a glimpse of the office full of chickens.
After about ten minutes of attempting to usher everyone to their proper destination, Figgins gives up and has someone announce of the PA that school is cancelled for the rest of the day. This clears out most of the students. A few stay to take some pictures or videos before scrambling away.
…
Of course after all the paint has been wiped off and the chicken feathers picked up, Figgins starts vigorously searching for the culprit. The problem is that he has no leads. No one confesses. Not that he expected them to. He was instead hoping someone would look slightly guilty or extremely cocky, but they all appear innocent. Figgins is at a loss and the entire school anxiously waits to see what will happen next.
A week passes, then two and still nothing. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Maybe whoever it is has decided to stop.
Of course the moment people begin to relax, is the moment that something happens.
…
The halls of McKinley feel off to Kurt. The past two months have been filled with pranks and vandalism galore. First it was just simple things like the fire alarm being pulled. And no one minded that. Because getting out of class, even for a half hour is better than nothing.
But then it was blood coming out of the showers in the boys' locker room one afternoon after practice. Of course it wasn't actual blood, just ketchup and Kool-Aid mixed together, but at the time it seemed real. Kurt only wishes he had been to get pictures of them running out and screaming like little girls. Finn said, in hindsight, it was hilarious.
There was also grape jell-o in the pool. Kurt is still a bit puzzled about that one. He didn't think chlorine would be conductive to making jell-o. He wonders if they drained the pool and just used real water, except it seems like far too of a involved process.
All the usual suspects have been questions, but half the football team and most of the hockey team is too stupid to pull it off. Coach Sylvester is always an option, but since things have happened to the Cheerios, it was dismissed. Then there's Santana, who happened to have an alibi and Puck who was actually in Figgins' office when something happened elsewhere.
The entire school is stumped and waiting anxiously for the next axe to fall.
Kurt has a few ideas since nothing's happened to glee club; usually they're the first targets. He thinks Puck and Santana are working together. Both are much more mellow since the prolonged exposure to Rachel has begun. Kurt isn't complaining because it seems to have mellowed Rachel out too. Kurt figures it's a way to maintain their reputations without having to endure a Rachel Berry lecture, which Kurt doesn’t blame them for.
Just as he's about to enter the guys' bathroom, he receives a text. Sighing, he opens his phone figuring it's Mercedes with some more insane gossip.
Instead it's from an unknown number.
Apprehensive, Kurt reads the text. If you value your clothing, I would recommend not using the first floor boys' bathroom. --a friend
Well, now Kurt is very curious, but he also values his clothes. He wonders whom he can get to check it out. Maybe Finn. He sends a text.
Meet me by 1st flr bthrm ASAP
Moments later, Finn appears. "What's up?"
"I need you to go in there and check it out."
Finn looks confused. "Why? It's the same bathroom it's always been, right?"
"I don't know," Kurt answers. "Maybe. I'm not sure, so I need you to check."
"How could you not know?" Finn continues.
"I just don't. Okay?"
"Why me?"
"Because I trust you."
"I can't."
"Why not?" Kurt questions.
"I got a text before telling me to stay out or I'd regret it."
"You too, huh?"
"You got one?"
"It says if I value my clothes to stay out. But now I'm very curious."
"What are you guys doing?"
Finn and Kurt both jump. They turn to find Tina behind them.
"You wouldn't believe us if we told you," Kurt answers.
"Oh. Okay. Well, I'm going to the bathroom. See you guys later."
Kurt expects Tina to cross in front of them, but she instead waves and heads towards the stairs.
"Where are you going?"
"To the bathroom, like I just said," Tina replies.
"What's wrong with the one we're standing in front of?"
"Needed some exercise, so I'm using the one on the second floor," Tina explains and runs off.
"What do you suppose that's about?" Finn asks.
"A mystery for sure," Kurt says.
…
At lunch, there's talk everywhere of what's happening in the first floor bathroom. Some people are warning their friends off while others are telling them to go in and then laughing at their misfortune.
"This school becomes more and more crazy every day," Mercedes says, looking around.
"What is everyone gossiping about now?" Rachel asks, sitting. "No one's pregnant are they?"
"Have you gone to the bathroom today?" Mercedes asks.
"That's a bit personal, isn't it?"
"Have you been in the first floor bathroom today?" Kurt asks.
"No," Rachel replies. "Without the slushie facials, my bathroom visits are down considerably. Why?"
"Apparently it's prank central," Artie says.
"Oh." Rachel shrugs. "Well that explains the text I got earlier, warning me away."
"You got one too?" Kurt asks, excitedly.
"D you know who else got one?" Mercedes asks.
"I believe you two would know more than me," Rachel replies.
"Hi guys," Brittany says, sitting next to Rachel. "Santana wanted me to ask if you guys got the text today?"
"About the bathroom?" Tina asks.
"Yeah."
"Apparently we all did," Rachel answers.
"Did Santana send them?" Mercedes asks.
"I don't think so," Brittany replies. "We got them at the same time. And it didn't say Santana on my phone. None of the other Cheerios got them, except Becky. Santana wanted to know if you guys got one, so she can figure it out. Okay? Thanks. Bye." Brittany jumps up, pats Rachel on the head and skips off.
"See," Kurt says. "I told you it was Santana."
"What did she do now?" Rachel asks.
"Sent those texts."
"But Brittany just said she didn't," Tina points out.
"So?" Mercedes replies. "Santana probably told her to say that."
"What is the big deal if she sent the texts?" Rachel asks.
"Because that means she's behind all the pranks around here lately," Kurt explains.
"Didn't she have an alibi for the fire alarm and the jell-o in the pool?" Tina questions.
"So? That just means she has an accomplice," Kurt says.
Kurt, Mercedes, Tina and Artie all look at Rachel. After a couple minutes, Rachel can't stand it and says, "What?"
"You're not mad?" Mercedes asks.
"Why would I be mad?"
"At Santana for pulling all this stuff," Artie says.
"Look, you have no proof," Rachel points out. "And if she is, she's warning us out of the way. So who cares?"
"But--" Kurt tries.
"I'm not her keeper," Rachel replies. "That's Coach Sylvester."
"But you're dating," Kurt sputters.
"I am well aware of this."
"But you were so possessive with Finn and what's-his-name," Mercedes points out.
"And look how well those relationships worked out," Rachel replies.
"She's got a point," Artie says.
"I will never understand you, girl," Mercedes says.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Kurt mutters.
"As pleasant as this has been," Rachel says, standing. "You'll have to excuse me. I need to talk to Mr. Schuester." She turns and flounces out of the lunch room.
"She has to know," Kurt says.
"Kurt," Tina says. "I say this as a friend. Maybe you should just drop it."
"Spoil sport."
…
That afternoon in glee, everyone is still talking about the bathroom. It seems everyone in glee club received a warning text. Therefore, no one's quite sure what the joke was. And most people who experienced it, aren't willing to share. Tina thinks it's shame; Kurt thinks it's malice.
"They just want to be able to laugh at other people who go in," he tells everyone. "The students in this school are cruel jackasses."
No one disagrees with that.
"Rachel can you do me a favor?" Kurt asks.
"I don't know Kurt, what do you need?"
"Will you please, please convince your girlfriend to stop terrorizing the school? It's starting to get out of hand."
"But she's so good at it," Rachel protests.
"I think he's talking about the insane juvenile stunts, babe," Santana tells her.
"Juvenile, huh?"
"One might say that."
"Would you say that?" Rachel asks.
"Ladies, I believe we're getting off topic, here."
"Not really," Santana replies. "Since I'm not the one pulling shit."
"It has to be you," Mercedes insists. "Puck's not smart enough to have pulled off the chicken thing."
"Hey!"
"Well that's true," Santana allows.
"Hey!"
Everyone else mumbles agreements.
"You guys suck," Puck grumbles.
"But just because Puck takes the short bus, doesn't mean it's me. They are plenty of other capable people in this dump."
"Yeah," Brittany adds.
"Brittany," Kurt says. "Are you claiming responsibility for this?"
"What if she was?" Santana asks.
Because it's Brittany, everyone tries not to laugh; but there is definite snickering.
"Do we have to talk about this now?" Rachel interrupts. "As team captain, I believe we should be focusing more on practicing and not about the terror being brought down around us; especially since we seem to be immune."
Everyone just stares at her.
"What?"
"I would have thought that you of all people would want to know who's behind this," Artie says.
"Why?"
"Because you're Rachel Berry," Kurt sputters.
"Hmmm. That is a good reason," Rachel agrees. "But unfortunately, I don't."
Santana grabs Rachel and pulls her to the side. "Nice. Now they're still going to assume it's me," she hisses. "And we both know it's not."
"They wouldn't believe it's me for one second, darling," Rachel whispers sweetly.
Santana growls because she knows Rachel is right. Looking up, she finds everyone staring at them. Kurt and Mercedes especially, she feels like she can actually see them straining to listen in.
"I plead the fifth," Santana says.
"Hah! I knew it," Kurt exclaims.
"All right, guys," Mr. Schuester says, clapping his hands. "I hate to interrupt this little…"
"Interrogation?" Rachel volunteers.
"But we really need to be rehearsing for sectionals."
Everyone lines up for the first number as Brad begins playing.
…
Because of the extensive amount of time between incidents, everyone is constantly on edge. No one is immune, except the glee kids. Thankfully, no one else seems to notice this, but them. They agree to keep it to themselves; they don’t want the wrath of the school on them.
Both Santana and Puck deny doing it, but no one seems to believe them. Rachel, oddly, seems indifferent. She doesn't seem to believe they're doing it, but at the same time, she isn't saying they aren't. Kurt finds this strange. He supposes it's her way of showing loyalty to her girlfriend and bro even if she believes they're behind it all.
…
Will doesn't know what to think. He agrees that the mastermind has to be in glee, especially after he and Emma received those warning texts, but he just can't figure out who it is. Puck and Santana, the most obvious candidates, have vehemently denied it, over and over again. Even after threats of all types, so he's inclined to believe them. But who else could it be? In his mind, the only other option is Quinn, but she seems to prefer having people knowing that she's terrorizing them.
So he simply hold his tongue at staff meetings. Sue tries blaming glee club, but Will counters that her Cheerios are far more cruel and devious.
"They probably learned it from you," he finishes.
This, of course, results in a massive argument that becomes a shouting match. It only ends because Figgins literally drags Will out of the room, still arguing the entire time.
Needless to say, the topic is tabled for the time being.
…
Rachel can admit she started this whole thing because Santana really seemed to like it; really, really seemed to. But now that she's almost holding the school figuratively hostage as they wait for her next move, she thinks there might be other reasons behind her continued antics. She finds it a bit intoxicating. It doesn't matter that no one except Santana knows it's her. Rachel knows and that's enough. It almost makes up for the really shitty way she's been treated at McKinley. Almost.
Everyone thinks that the varying amounts of time between incidents is to fuck with them. In reality, Rachel needs time to come up with ideas and then time to figure out how to pull them off. Plus lately, a lot of them require a bit of a set up time. Fucking with them is just a bonus.
…
About ten days after the bathroom incident, every single member of glee club receives a text ten minutes into second period.
You should excuse yourself from class and go outside. You have fifteen minutes. ---a friend
Each and every member gathers up their things and their hands shoot in the air. The girls mostly say it's their time of the month, though Brittany cites Coach Sylvester, as does Kurt. The boys just request bathroom passes. Thankfully, no teacher finds this suspicious.
They all end up in the parking lot, wondering and waiting. Finn has somehow gotten a hold of a football, so he and Puck play catch with Mike and Matt. Artie pulls wheelies while Brittany tries to copy him in her own wheelchair. No one knows where she got it. Mercedes and Kurt are leaning against a car watching. Tina's flipping through a magazine as Quinn draws something in her notebook. Santana and Rachel are behind the car, making out.
Initially, Kurt had tried to get everyone to discuss who the mysterious texter is, but weirdly no one seemed interested. They seemed to content to simply reap the benefits.
A moment later, Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury exit the school. Everyone, except Rachel and Santana look for a place to hide.
"I assume everyone got a text?" Mr. Schuester says as he approaches them.
"You don't think the school is going to explode, do you?" Ms. Pillsbury asks.
"That seems a bit extreme," Mr. Schuester replies.
"Yes, but why else would we be asked to exit the building?"
"Apparently the sprinklers are going off."
Everyone whips around to find Coach Sylvester behind them.
"Sue," Mr. Schuester says. "What are you doing here?"
"It seems that someone out there likes me," Coach Sylvester replies. "Received a little text moments ago advising me to exit immediately. Normally, I don't follow the advice of strangers, but since the last text about the teacher's lounge proved to be accurate, I figured it would be wise to obey this one as well. Just as I was stepping outside, the fire alarms went off and the sprinklers began spraying water everywhere. Quite a mess. And imagine my surprise to find you out here with your little glee freaks. Very suspicious William, very suspicious."
"Wait a minute," Mr. Schuester says. "You were warned away from the fly paper in the teacher's lounge too?"
"I was indeed," Coach Sylvester replies. "It seems that the gods are smiling on me. I always knew it, but having such blatant evidence sometimes makes everything shine a bit brighter."
The rest of the school has joined them outside, all looking like wet dogs. When questioned why they aren't soaked, everyone says they're having a glee club meeting outside. The timing is just a coincidence. Luckily, everyone is too distracted to really analyze that statement.
Because no one can get the sprinklers to stop, school is cancelled for the rest of the day.
…
"Not that I'm criticizing," Santana says later in Rachel's bedroom. "But I don't understand why you texted Coach too."
"So she wouldn't take her anger out on you," Rachel replies.
Santana shakes her head in amusement.
"What?"
"Only you could manage to be adorably sweet and smokin' hot at the same time," Santana tells her.
"Well, I am very talented."
"Thank god for that."
…
Puck is getting sick of being blamed for the chaos in McKinley. Especially since he's not behind it. He has no problem accepting responsibility for the shit he has pulled. But being falsely accused, repeatedly? Sucks out loud.
He had a feeling he knows who's behind everything, but he has no real evidence. It's finding out that Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury are receiving warnings too that convinces him it's Rachel.
He was content to let it go. Everyone thinking he's behind it all is doing wonders for his rep. Girls actually approach him now and ask him out. He has to do almost no work to get laid. It's been awesome.
But after the sprinklers, Figgins pulls Puck into his office and tells them it has to stop.
"Like I told you before and before that, I'm not doing it," Puck tells him.
"I don't care," Figgins replies. "This entire situation is getting out of hand. If they don’t stop, I will have to expel you."
"What?!" Puck jumps up. "That's not fucking fair."
"Language, Mr. Puckerman. And I am well aware how unfair it is," Figgins continues. "But I have no choice. The culprit must be found. And I'm beginning to agree with Coach Sylvester that it has to be someone in glee. Since you're the most likely candidate, you're the one that will be expelled."
Puck stomps out of the office and exits the school. He goes to the parking lot and sits in his truck. He can't be expelled, it would break his mother's heart. Not to mention it would mean he's never getting out of this loser town.
It seems a confrontation is in order.
…
Puck decides it's easier to confront Rachel without Santana around. He figures she'll be easier to convince that way.
He literally grabs her during lunch, knowing Santana won't be looking for her since the pair don't sit together at lunch. So as Rachel walks by, Puck seizes her arm and pulls her into a corner of the lunch room.
"Noah, what is the meaning of this?" Rachel demands.
"We need to talk," he tells her.
"And you couldn't have just told me that? Must you be so secretive and aggressive?"
"Yeah, I must."
"So what do we need to discuss?"
"I know it's you."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"C'mon Rach," Puck replies. "We've been bros for a while now; I know you. You're the only one who could have pulled off all this insanity without anyone catching you. And I know you know how to keep a secret."
"Even if you were correct," Rachel allows. "Why would I stop?"
"Because your bro asked."
"But you were right, Noah," Rachel says. "Santana definitely loves me being a bad ass."
"So? You told me before that you had no problems in that department."
"I did," Rachel agrees. "But now? It's even hotter. There are days I can't even sit without being reminded of what happened the night before. Just last week, I almost stayed home because I could barely walk. And my wrists are definitely getting sore; thank god for toys. Not to mention my tongue is getting so much exercise. It's great for my singing."
"Oh my fucking god! You're killing me, Berry," Puck groans. "Don't tell me that shit. I've been trying to be a good bro and not think about you naked anymore. That is so not helping."
"Ah, Noah, that is so sweet," Rachel coos.
"Don't start with me, Berry," Puck growls. "It's because I like my nuts where they are and your girlfriend threatened to ripe them off unless I take the two of you out of my spank bank."
"I do admire her follow through," Rachel muses. "It's still sweet of you, though."
"Does this mean you'll stop?" Puck asks.
"I don't know," Rachel replies. "What's in it for me?"
"Helping out your bro, of course."
"I've been warning you beforehand," Rachel points out. "Isn't that enough?"
"Don't make me beg, Rachel."
"You mean you'd be willing to?"
"Figgins is going to expel me," Puck hisses. "He says he doesn't care if I'm behind it or not. Someone has to pay."
"He can't do that," Rachel protests. "He can't punish you just because you did stupid things in the past."
"But he is," Puck tells her. "So you have to stop."
"But I'm having fun. I finally understand the lure of delinquency, Noah."
"Awesome. Can you just limit it to bro night?" Puck asks.
Rachel sighs. She's been having fun, but the responsible side of her knows she should stop. Eventually she will be caught; her pranks are becoming too elaborate. And she's running low on ideas. But the rush of adrenaline when she's setting things up to the pride she feels when something happens without a hitch to the power she feels as the school cowers, waiting for her to strike; it's all so intoxicating.
"All right," she says finally. "But only because I don't want you get be expelled."
"Thanks."
"I have no idea where we'd find a twelfth person to fit your spot in glee before sectionals."
"Your concern for me is overwhelming."
…
"You should have just let him get expelled," Santana grumbles that night.
Homework first is still the rule, so they're both stretched out on Rachel's bed, studying.
"Santana," Rachel says scandalized. "Education is vital to one's survival. I couldn’t let him be deprived of that."
"Yeah, but it's not your fault he's dumb enough to get caught."
"Maybe so, but I already promised, so you can't talk me out of it," Rachel replies.
"Really?" Santana leers. "There's nothing I can do to change your mind?"
Before her brain can completely register that statement, Santana has removed her Cheerio's uniform.
"Should I be worried about how quickly you're able to undress?" Rachel finally manages to ask.
"It benefits you quite nicely."
Rachel feels herself getting wet staring at her seductively posed girlfriend. "However your attempts to change my mind about Noah will not work. I promised him and I always keep my promises."
"Fine," Santana huffs. She rolls onto her stomach and resumes working on her math homework.
"You can't possibly expect me to concentrate on Great Expectations with you lying there like that?" Rachel squeaks.
"This is how I want to study," Santana replies. "You're the one that insists we do our homework first."
"You are so evil," Rachel grumbles, opening her book back up.
"And you love it."
"You're lucky you're hot," Rachel gripes as she attempts to read.
"Yeah, I am."