Because I Needed to Sleep
UPDATE:
I suppose I should clarify as to WHY I bothered to blog this at all, given the quite OBVIOUS flaws anyone, including myself, can point out in my actions --- like not calling the police to get this guy a ride, going to an ATM, talking to strangers, walking alone at night, etc.
Last night when I got home, I was full of adrenaline and emotion and could not sleep. I needed to put into words what had happened and what I was feeling so I could get my brain to Shut The **** Up. And, success! It worked. I got to sleep and everything I was feeling was gone.
Unfortunately, I made the horrible egregious error of posting a BLOG about this and left the ability for people to comment ON and I awoke to an inbox full of helpful "you shouldn't talk to strangers" advice from all corners of the universe. I don't want advice. I don't need advice. I don't want validation. I don't need validation. I just needed to sleep.
I apologize to anyone who may feel offended or put-off by the fact that I just deleted all your comments. Frankly, your comments were making me feel like a very bad person for waking up yesterday, let alone doing what I did. I know this is not your intent, but I feel it would be easier for everyone if there were no comments for me to misinterpret or take the wrong way. It makes me sad/angry and my responses will invariably make you all feel sad/angry.
Additionally, I'd like to contribute the following as I'm pretty sure after reading what I wrote in the dark hours of the night people are thoroughly convinced that I am nice but a total moron:
1. I would NEVER let someone follow me to an ATM. This never has and never will happen.
2. I would NEVER give a stranger a ride. This never has and never will happen.
3. I am well aware that I should be concerned about my safety at all times. And I am.
4. I know that 110% of everyone who asks for money is scamming me. I DON'T CARE. Frankly, if I give someone $1, I am GIVING it to them. It is a gift. I expect nothing in return. So what if they're scamming people for cash? I'm not going to lament the fact that I helped someone out. Yes, giving people money IS helping them, even if they're doing it under false pretenses. I'm not going to beat myself up over their dishonesty. I found a $20 bill on the street the other day. Best ****ing day ever.
I am only human, so please forgive my imperfections.
On my way home from watercolor class, I was stopped by a tall black man who was frantic, yelling sorta. Kinda loud. Anyway, his story: ran out of gas, has been walking for miles to get back to his wife who lives way the heck far away, needs money or something because he's trying to get to the hospital. Ok. Fine. Whatever. Seems nice enough, right? Constantly reassuring me that he's not a bad man or anything. I find this part annoying, but I try to help. So, first things first: check the wallet. I have $1. I give him the $1, which I know isn't enough to get you anything anywhere anymore --- not even a pack of gum. So, what's the next best thing? Let's go to the ATM and get a $20. I go to the ATM. I go to 2 ATMs... then I discover my ATM card expired last month and I haven't received a new one yet. AUGH! I feel like a total ass at this point because I really, honestly wanted to help this person.
So we parted ways and I walked home and felt generally horrible and still feel horrible. I really really wanted to help. If his story is true, then this guy has been walking for what is probably 10 miles and has to go probably another 10 miles just to get some money to put some gas in his tank so he can get to the hospital because he has a family emergency! I feel like I led him on a wild goose chase when I was attempting to get an ATM, any ATM, to give me $20. And my card is expired? I bet that went over well. Just pile it on him, why don't ya?
I thought about hopping in the car and driving back up Main street to see if he was still walking and pick him up and drive him to his car and pay for his gas. But it's dark. And I have this fear that everyone on the streets is going to kill me or steal my things or rape me after the sun sets. And as much as I wish I could put my faith in humanity and make grand assumptions that people are nice and no one would ever try to take advantage of me, I can't. So I can't get in the car and go find Mark, the tall frantic but nice black man who is a long way from everywhere and really needs to be somewhere but is facing resistance from everyone because we're all jaded. When you run into someone around every corner begging for free handouts, after a while you just shut off and walk faster hoping that you don't accidentally make eye contact or blink or breathe when you pass. Please. Let them think I'm deaf, blind, and poor. Maybe they'll leave me alone so I can go about my day without feeling bad that I lied about having no money. I really have $1, but I don't want to give it to you because I think you'll use it for booze and drugs. Or worse. You'll just mug me and take my things.
When did we all become soulless husks?
I suppose I should clarify as to WHY I bothered to blog this at all, given the quite OBVIOUS flaws anyone, including myself, can point out in my actions --- like not calling the police to get this guy a ride, going to an ATM, talking to strangers, walking alone at night, etc.
Last night when I got home, I was full of adrenaline and emotion and could not sleep. I needed to put into words what had happened and what I was feeling so I could get my brain to Shut The **** Up. And, success! It worked. I got to sleep and everything I was feeling was gone.
Unfortunately, I made the horrible egregious error of posting a BLOG about this and left the ability for people to comment ON and I awoke to an inbox full of helpful "you shouldn't talk to strangers" advice from all corners of the universe. I don't want advice. I don't need advice. I don't want validation. I don't need validation. I just needed to sleep.
I apologize to anyone who may feel offended or put-off by the fact that I just deleted all your comments. Frankly, your comments were making me feel like a very bad person for waking up yesterday, let alone doing what I did. I know this is not your intent, but I feel it would be easier for everyone if there were no comments for me to misinterpret or take the wrong way. It makes me sad/angry and my responses will invariably make you all feel sad/angry.
Additionally, I'd like to contribute the following as I'm pretty sure after reading what I wrote in the dark hours of the night people are thoroughly convinced that I am nice but a total moron:
1. I would NEVER let someone follow me to an ATM. This never has and never will happen.
2. I would NEVER give a stranger a ride. This never has and never will happen.
3. I am well aware that I should be concerned about my safety at all times. And I am.
4. I know that 110% of everyone who asks for money is scamming me. I DON'T CARE. Frankly, if I give someone $1, I am GIVING it to them. It is a gift. I expect nothing in return. So what if they're scamming people for cash? I'm not going to lament the fact that I helped someone out. Yes, giving people money IS helping them, even if they're doing it under false pretenses. I'm not going to beat myself up over their dishonesty. I found a $20 bill on the street the other day. Best ****ing day ever.
I am only human, so please forgive my imperfections.
On my way home from watercolor class, I was stopped by a tall black man who was frantic, yelling sorta. Kinda loud. Anyway, his story: ran out of gas, has been walking for miles to get back to his wife who lives way the heck far away, needs money or something because he's trying to get to the hospital. Ok. Fine. Whatever. Seems nice enough, right? Constantly reassuring me that he's not a bad man or anything. I find this part annoying, but I try to help. So, first things first: check the wallet. I have $1. I give him the $1, which I know isn't enough to get you anything anywhere anymore --- not even a pack of gum. So, what's the next best thing? Let's go to the ATM and get a $20. I go to the ATM. I go to 2 ATMs... then I discover my ATM card expired last month and I haven't received a new one yet. AUGH! I feel like a total ass at this point because I really, honestly wanted to help this person.
So we parted ways and I walked home and felt generally horrible and still feel horrible. I really really wanted to help. If his story is true, then this guy has been walking for what is probably 10 miles and has to go probably another 10 miles just to get some money to put some gas in his tank so he can get to the hospital because he has a family emergency! I feel like I led him on a wild goose chase when I was attempting to get an ATM, any ATM, to give me $20. And my card is expired? I bet that went over well. Just pile it on him, why don't ya?
I thought about hopping in the car and driving back up Main street to see if he was still walking and pick him up and drive him to his car and pay for his gas. But it's dark. And I have this fear that everyone on the streets is going to kill me or steal my things or rape me after the sun sets. And as much as I wish I could put my faith in humanity and make grand assumptions that people are nice and no one would ever try to take advantage of me, I can't. So I can't get in the car and go find Mark, the tall frantic but nice black man who is a long way from everywhere and really needs to be somewhere but is facing resistance from everyone because we're all jaded. When you run into someone around every corner begging for free handouts, after a while you just shut off and walk faster hoping that you don't accidentally make eye contact or blink or breathe when you pass. Please. Let them think I'm deaf, blind, and poor. Maybe they'll leave me alone so I can go about my day without feeling bad that I lied about having no money. I really have $1, but I don't want to give it to you because I think you'll use it for booze and drugs. Or worse. You'll just mug me and take my things.
When did we all become soulless husks?