i'm loosing it
today something was relized. the past has returned. the need, the blood lust from other and or my self the need for pain and suffering. the longing for dissapointment and disfuntion the relization of hatred and wrath. the thing that opened the doors to the asylum both figurativly and litterally. the path so intentionally avioded. a past unfortunatly not forgoted. a person bearing a resmlbelece to a old figure a old shadow that once loomed. a urge once supressed but still it lingers the shadow the darkness creaming in through all the cracks, the walls once holding it captive. a urge no longer held at bay. the presence of others. the echoing crys once again at a defining pitch screaming begging pleading commanding. blood is all that can be seen is it there or is that only a wish . scattered thoughts. loss of time. a possible relapse? uncontrolable rage and deppresion a longing to let it all release and free it all free it all from it's host. it's cage, it's victim. when there is no way of telling relaity from fantasy or fantasy from nightmare. where happyness is so close and in reach but still getis pushed away and incinerated by the flames that burn from the inside. when the reflection seen in the mirror doesn't belong, when all that is seen is the darkess darkness in the faces of all.(no exaderation)
there is a reason that the words me my and i were not included bc i don't know if this is me or not i don't know whats going on i can't stop screaming, i can't see anything clear it's not that i want to die it's that i don't want to be alive. why am i going through this did i do something wrong well i know i've fucked up in the past but didn't i already pay haven't i suffered enough i mean i've been suffering everyday as long as i can remember. even before that fatefull day. the day under the moon when i first became lost. i try to walk the path i see but i can't i can't even function i am on cruise control. i'm trying to not revert not twist into the person i hate and fear i'm trying with every fiber. and still i manage to hide it all i'm able to hide the scars and the switches. i joke and try to keep it light b/c i need to be strong i can't let them all see whats inside of me somany have already been pushed away. i need to be strong and carry everyone else. i need to be the angel of mercy not the phoenix of fury, burning all those around me. who am i i don't know. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME WHO AM I LOOKING AT WHO IS TALKING WHY IS THIS HAPPENING WHY DOES MY NOSE KEEP BLEEDING WHAT IS THIS CANCER INSIDE ME. WHEN WILL IT STOP FEEDING. I NEED TO APEASE IT I NEED TO MAKE IT ALL STOP I NEED TOEND IT ALL. BUT I CAN'T I CAN'T DIE I WANT TO BUT I CAN'T WHY CAN'T I WHY WON'T DEATH FUCKING TAKE ME I'VE TRIED AND TRIED EVEN AS LATLY AS 4 DAYS AGO. BUT STILL NUTHING. WHAT IS IT THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. SOME ONE PLEASE......................H___ M_
there is a reason that the words me my and i were not included bc i don't know if this is me or not i don't know whats going on i can't stop screaming, i can't see anything clear it's not that i want to die it's that i don't want to be alive. why am i going through this did i do something wrong well i know i've fucked up in the past but didn't i already pay haven't i suffered enough i mean i've been suffering everyday as long as i can remember. even before that fatefull day. the day under the moon when i first became lost. i try to walk the path i see but i can't i can't even function i am on cruise control. i'm trying to not revert not twist into the person i hate and fear i'm trying with every fiber. and still i manage to hide it all i'm able to hide the scars and the switches. i joke and try to keep it light b/c i need to be strong i can't let them all see whats inside of me somany have already been pushed away. i need to be strong and carry everyone else. i need to be the angel of mercy not the phoenix of fury, burning all those around me. who am i i don't know. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME WHO AM I LOOKING AT WHO IS TALKING WHY IS THIS HAPPENING WHY DOES MY NOSE KEEP BLEEDING WHAT IS THIS CANCER INSIDE ME. WHEN WILL IT STOP FEEDING. I NEED TO APEASE IT I NEED TO MAKE IT ALL STOP I NEED TOEND IT ALL. BUT I CAN'T I CAN'T DIE I WANT TO BUT I CAN'T WHY CAN'T I WHY WON'T DEATH FUCKING TAKE ME I'VE TRIED AND TRIED EVEN AS LATLY AS 4 DAYS AGO. BUT STILL NUTHING. WHAT IS IT THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. SOME ONE PLEASE......................H___ M_