In which I destroy sex for everyone...
In my Group Performance class, we very recently had to compile a script of multiple sources with a minimum of three genres...I came up with this monstrosity.
My sources were:
Jordan Shear
3, March 2009
Group Performance
Maria Vladimirovna, Grand Duchess of Russia
Woman: When do we start?
Man: We already have.
When their lips met, they were no longer a lady and a thief. Passion was a great equalizer. Together they rolled onto the soft forest floor.
Woman: She hadn't meant for it to happen, but she had no regrets. Attraction that she'd felt from the moment he'd removed the sunglasses in her elevator and looked at her with his clear, direct eyes had been edging toward something deeper, broader, more unsettling. He'd begun to touch something in her...he released a great deal more.
Man: Her mouth was hot and hungry as his. Her body stretched and arched at the touch of a man's...hands. She'd felt those sensations before. But this time, this first and only time-
Woman: -She let her mind go and experienced lovemaking as it was meant to be: Mindless, liberating pleasure.
Man: Flesh against flesh, warm-
Woman: -firm-
Man: -sleek.
Woman: Mouth against mouth, open-
Man: Hot-
Woman: -hungry. Her elegant, pampered fingers slid down to his hips.
Man: They both had their eyes open when he plunged into her.
Both: (moan loudly and obnoxiously)
Doctor 1: During pregnancy, the opening of the cervix is blocked by a thick plug of mucus to prevent bacteria from entering the uterus. During dilation, this plug is loosened. It may come out as one piece, or as thick mucus discharge from the vagina. When this occurs, it is an indication that the cervix is beginning to dilate, although not all women will notice this mucus plug being released.
Woman: His hands might run along her skin, clever, skilled, strong, but it was she who led. She knew a man was at his most vulnerable when in a woman's arms-mother, wife, or lover.
Man: He forgot anything but the need to be there. She melted into him, dangerously warm, dangerously soft, but he took and cursed the consequences.
Doctor 2: Bloody show is another indication that the cervix is dilating. Bloody show usually comes along with the mucus plug, and may continue throughout labor, making the mucus tinged pink, red or brown. Fresh, red blood is usually not associated with dilation, but rather serious complications such as placental abruption, or placenta previa. Red blood in small quantities often also follows an exam.
Woman: She couldn't get enough of him and tasted, touched, as if she'd never known a man before.
Man: He'd wanted women before, desperately...Or so he'd thought. Until now he hadn't known the full meaning of desperation. Until now, he hadn't known what it was to want.
Doctor 1: The pain experienced during dilation is similar to that of menstruation (although markedly more intense), as period pains are thought to be due to the passing of endometrium through the cervix. Most of the pain during labor is caused by the uterus contracting to dilate the cervix.
Woman: Her need was as great as his, as primitive, as overwhelming, as elemental.
Doctor 2: Cervical dilation may be induced mechanically by placing devices inside the cervix that will expand while in place. A balloon catheter may be used. Other products include laminaria (made of dried seaweed) or synthetic hydroscopic products, which expand when placed in a moist environment.
Man: Taking his time, he ran kisses down her face, forhead, nose, mouth, chin.
Woman: She felt his smile answer hers.
All: *sigh* Awwww....
Doctor 1: A contraction is a forceful and very painful motion of the uterus as part of the process of childbirth.
Doctor 2: The uterus also contracts during menstruation. These contractions may be uncomfortable or even painful, but they are generally significantly less painful than contractions during labour. Asparin can help with the pain.
Man: Lips warmed. Thoughts clouded. Priorities shifted.
Woman: Need became the leader, and desire, the map.
Doctor 1: At the beginning of the normal second stage, the head is fully engaged in the pelvis; the widest diameter of the head has successfully passed through the pelvic brim. Ideally it has successfully also passed below the interspinous diameter. This is the narrowest part of the pelvis.
Doctor 2: If these have been accomplished, all that will remain is for the fetal head to pass below the pubic arch and out through the introitus. This is assisted by the additional maternal efforts of "bearing down". The fetal head is seen to 'crown' as the labia part. At this point the woman may feel a burning or stinging sensation.
Man and Woman: (Scream)
Doctor 1: Midwives often encourage refraining from screaming.
...Pause...
Doctor 2: But recommend moaning and grunting to relieve some pain.
Man and Woman: (Grunt and moan)
Woman: Her eyes half-closed as she matched him stroke for stroke, pulse for pulse. Speed built, needs whirled.
Man: As his thoughts began to tumble and skid, his last rational flash was that perhaps he'd already found the end of the rainbow.
(Man and Woman collapse on each other. The Doctor's enter the scene and the Man and Woman replace them. The female Doctor becomes Sarah Palin [or "Serra Paylin"] and the male Doctor becomes a man watching cheap porn. He pantomimes putting in a video and using a remote control.)
Sarah: I'd like to start by thanking you all for this opportunity to respond to some recent questions concerning my personal life. As you all know, I am just your average Suzie Six-Pack. I still drive a minivan, shop at the local mall, and buy all of my exercise equipment via infomercial. And I, just like you, put on my crotchless edible panties one leg at a time.
Doctor 3: Delivery of the fetal head signals the successful completion of the fourth mechanism of labour (delivery by extension), and is followed by the fifth and sixth mechanisms (restitution and external rotation).
Sarah: Recently there have been some accusations floating around that I have not been faithful to my hubby. We have an expression in Alaska. It's ok to let the wolves run wild, but if one of them's snooping around your house, you better err on the side of caution...and shoot it with a high-powered rifle. Then, continue to shoot the remaining wolves until there's none left on the planet.
Doctor 4: A newborn baby with umbilical cord ready to be clamped.
Sarah: Did I have an extramarital affair? Did I? (She winks) That's an interesting question that I can only answer on my terms. And for me, that means calmly asking myself, in my head if I did. And then answering secretly...but truthfully. Here goes. (She mentally asks herself).It's very theraputic...
Doctor 3: The second stage of labour will vary to some extent, depending on how successfully the preceding tasks have been accomplished.
Doctor 4: Even women who show little reaction to labor pains often show a reaction to crowning.
Sarah: Onto the next question...Did I engage in a frenzied threeway with Soviet soldiers that led to the removal and subsequent burning of my sofa?
Doctor 3: In this stage, the uterus expels the placenta. The placenta is usually delivered within 15-30 minutes of the baby being born.
Doctor 4: Maternal blood loss is limited by contraction of the uterus following delivery of the placenta. Normal blood loss is less than 600 mL.
Sarah: (Climbs out of the TV and begins to speak to the Skeezy Man) What'dya say, handsome. How about you and me take one of these babies out for a test drive, yeah?
Doctor 3: Expectant management allows the placenta to be expelled without medical assistance.
Skeezy Man: I dunno, Sarah. I mean, with your husband out of town, I'd just feel a little funny about it. I mean after all, the man's my business partner.
Doctor 4: Oxytocic agents augment uterine muscular contraction and the cord traction assists with rapid delivery of the placenta.
Sarah: Oh, for crimeny sake! Why don't you take your nuts out of your little Gucci purse, grab your noodle and act like a man!
Skeezy Man: I don't know, ok?
Sarah: Well before you and your boyfriend Lance Bass head off to the next Clay Aiken concert, why don't you feast your eyes on...mama's jugs!
Skeezy Man: (Mesmerized. He follows them wherever she moves)
Sarah: You ain't never seen high beams like this before, have you? Careful...you might go blind.
Doctor 3: Breastfeeding soon after birth and massaging of the top of the uterus causes uterine contractions that encourage delivery of the placenta.
Sarah: It's time to drill, baby! Drill hard and drill deep! (She moves in for the kill) Come on, you tree-hugging hippie! What're you waiting for? CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL!?
Doctor 4: Childbirth is the process at the end of a human pregnancy that results in a baby being born.
My sources were:
- Hot Ice by Nora Roberts
- The Wikipedia entry on Childbirth
- Hustler's Who's Nailin' Paylin
Jordan Shear
3, March 2009
Group Performance
Maria Vladimirovna, Grand Duchess of Russia
Woman: When do we start?
Man: We already have.
When their lips met, they were no longer a lady and a thief. Passion was a great equalizer. Together they rolled onto the soft forest floor.
Woman: She hadn't meant for it to happen, but she had no regrets. Attraction that she'd felt from the moment he'd removed the sunglasses in her elevator and looked at her with his clear, direct eyes had been edging toward something deeper, broader, more unsettling. He'd begun to touch something in her...he released a great deal more.
Man: Her mouth was hot and hungry as his. Her body stretched and arched at the touch of a man's...hands. She'd felt those sensations before. But this time, this first and only time-
Woman: -She let her mind go and experienced lovemaking as it was meant to be: Mindless, liberating pleasure.
Man: Flesh against flesh, warm-
Woman: -firm-
Man: -sleek.
Woman: Mouth against mouth, open-
Man: Hot-
Woman: -hungry. Her elegant, pampered fingers slid down to his hips.
Man: They both had their eyes open when he plunged into her.
Both: (moan loudly and obnoxiously)
Doctor 1: During pregnancy, the opening of the cervix is blocked by a thick plug of mucus to prevent bacteria from entering the uterus. During dilation, this plug is loosened. It may come out as one piece, or as thick mucus discharge from the vagina. When this occurs, it is an indication that the cervix is beginning to dilate, although not all women will notice this mucus plug being released.
Woman: His hands might run along her skin, clever, skilled, strong, but it was she who led. She knew a man was at his most vulnerable when in a woman's arms-mother, wife, or lover.
Man: He forgot anything but the need to be there. She melted into him, dangerously warm, dangerously soft, but he took and cursed the consequences.
Doctor 2: Bloody show is another indication that the cervix is dilating. Bloody show usually comes along with the mucus plug, and may continue throughout labor, making the mucus tinged pink, red or brown. Fresh, red blood is usually not associated with dilation, but rather serious complications such as placental abruption, or placenta previa. Red blood in small quantities often also follows an exam.
Woman: She couldn't get enough of him and tasted, touched, as if she'd never known a man before.
Man: He'd wanted women before, desperately...Or so he'd thought. Until now he hadn't known the full meaning of desperation. Until now, he hadn't known what it was to want.
Doctor 1: The pain experienced during dilation is similar to that of menstruation (although markedly more intense), as period pains are thought to be due to the passing of endometrium through the cervix. Most of the pain during labor is caused by the uterus contracting to dilate the cervix.
Woman: Her need was as great as his, as primitive, as overwhelming, as elemental.
Doctor 2: Cervical dilation may be induced mechanically by placing devices inside the cervix that will expand while in place. A balloon catheter may be used. Other products include laminaria (made of dried seaweed) or synthetic hydroscopic products, which expand when placed in a moist environment.
Man: Taking his time, he ran kisses down her face, forhead, nose, mouth, chin.
Woman: She felt his smile answer hers.
All: *sigh* Awwww....
Doctor 1: A contraction is a forceful and very painful motion of the uterus as part of the process of childbirth.
Doctor 2: The uterus also contracts during menstruation. These contractions may be uncomfortable or even painful, but they are generally significantly less painful than contractions during labour. Asparin can help with the pain.
Man: Lips warmed. Thoughts clouded. Priorities shifted.
Woman: Need became the leader, and desire, the map.
Doctor 1: At the beginning of the normal second stage, the head is fully engaged in the pelvis; the widest diameter of the head has successfully passed through the pelvic brim. Ideally it has successfully also passed below the interspinous diameter. This is the narrowest part of the pelvis.
Doctor 2: If these have been accomplished, all that will remain is for the fetal head to pass below the pubic arch and out through the introitus. This is assisted by the additional maternal efforts of "bearing down". The fetal head is seen to 'crown' as the labia part. At this point the woman may feel a burning or stinging sensation.
Man and Woman: (Scream)
Doctor 1: Midwives often encourage refraining from screaming.
...Pause...
Doctor 2: But recommend moaning and grunting to relieve some pain.
Man and Woman: (Grunt and moan)
Woman: Her eyes half-closed as she matched him stroke for stroke, pulse for pulse. Speed built, needs whirled.
Man: As his thoughts began to tumble and skid, his last rational flash was that perhaps he'd already found the end of the rainbow.
(Man and Woman collapse on each other. The Doctor's enter the scene and the Man and Woman replace them. The female Doctor becomes Sarah Palin [or "Serra Paylin"] and the male Doctor becomes a man watching cheap porn. He pantomimes putting in a video and using a remote control.)
Sarah: I'd like to start by thanking you all for this opportunity to respond to some recent questions concerning my personal life. As you all know, I am just your average Suzie Six-Pack. I still drive a minivan, shop at the local mall, and buy all of my exercise equipment via infomercial. And I, just like you, put on my crotchless edible panties one leg at a time.
Doctor 3: Delivery of the fetal head signals the successful completion of the fourth mechanism of labour (delivery by extension), and is followed by the fifth and sixth mechanisms (restitution and external rotation).
Sarah: Recently there have been some accusations floating around that I have not been faithful to my hubby. We have an expression in Alaska. It's ok to let the wolves run wild, but if one of them's snooping around your house, you better err on the side of caution...and shoot it with a high-powered rifle. Then, continue to shoot the remaining wolves until there's none left on the planet.
Doctor 4: A newborn baby with umbilical cord ready to be clamped.
Sarah: Did I have an extramarital affair? Did I? (She winks) That's an interesting question that I can only answer on my terms. And for me, that means calmly asking myself, in my head if I did. And then answering secretly...but truthfully. Here goes. (She mentally asks herself).It's very theraputic...
Doctor 3: The second stage of labour will vary to some extent, depending on how successfully the preceding tasks have been accomplished.
Doctor 4: Even women who show little reaction to labor pains often show a reaction to crowning.
Sarah: Onto the next question...Did I engage in a frenzied threeway with Soviet soldiers that led to the removal and subsequent burning of my sofa?
Doctor 3: In this stage, the uterus expels the placenta. The placenta is usually delivered within 15-30 minutes of the baby being born.
Doctor 4: Maternal blood loss is limited by contraction of the uterus following delivery of the placenta. Normal blood loss is less than 600 mL.
Sarah: (Climbs out of the TV and begins to speak to the Skeezy Man) What'dya say, handsome. How about you and me take one of these babies out for a test drive, yeah?
Doctor 3: Expectant management allows the placenta to be expelled without medical assistance.
Skeezy Man: I dunno, Sarah. I mean, with your husband out of town, I'd just feel a little funny about it. I mean after all, the man's my business partner.
Doctor 4: Oxytocic agents augment uterine muscular contraction and the cord traction assists with rapid delivery of the placenta.
Sarah: Oh, for crimeny sake! Why don't you take your nuts out of your little Gucci purse, grab your noodle and act like a man!
Skeezy Man: I don't know, ok?
Sarah: Well before you and your boyfriend Lance Bass head off to the next Clay Aiken concert, why don't you feast your eyes on...mama's jugs!
Skeezy Man: (Mesmerized. He follows them wherever she moves)
Sarah: You ain't never seen high beams like this before, have you? Careful...you might go blind.
Doctor 3: Breastfeeding soon after birth and massaging of the top of the uterus causes uterine contractions that encourage delivery of the placenta.
Sarah: It's time to drill, baby! Drill hard and drill deep! (She moves in for the kill) Come on, you tree-hugging hippie! What're you waiting for? CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL!?
Doctor 4: Childbirth is the process at the end of a human pregnancy that results in a baby being born.