Sick as a dog, but ultimately ok

[skywalker57]

I'd like to start this off by saying i've been sick as crap all weekend long, last nite, i slept from 8:30pm - 1:30 am, got up for 2hrs and then went back to sleep until 2:30pm. Scary, isn't it? Anyway, this week has been difficult because of the amount of work i've had to do, but I got it all done and everything's cool. My relationship with Emily improved about tenfold over this week because I had an epiphany that changed my whole perspective on this: I want her to be happy more than anything in the world. So, with this knowledge, I can let her go be the person she wants to be and still be her friend. We even talked about our thoughts on who we wanted to date and, for once, I didn't get jealous, I was happy that she wanted to be happy. We can talk now, like we talked over winter break. The ease of conversation gives me more hope for the future that someday, we can try again. I'm not expecting to, but it would be nice because I believe that she is one the very few real people out there and anyone who gets her is the luckiest man alive. So I think i've resolved at least partly, my confidence issue. The fact that I can go to a random party and get girls' screennames that I've never met before is contrary to my long held belief that I am not worth talking to. This is a hard change to make inside my head because i'm not used to it at all, i'm used to thinking that I'm in the background, talking to friends and basically staying out of the way. I like this. I was at a party on friday, I talked to a girl, got her screenname and liked her. That's cool, but I don't know if I'll ever get to the point that i'd make out with someone at a party. I don't know if I'd feel like that was too big of a step for me. Is that just my style? Am I that guy that tends to be more intellectually based? I'm not sure what I want at party. I've been in the mood to do physical stuff, but I just don't know if I could do it with someone I just met. I'm used to thinking that physical stuff is reserved for when you want to express your love for someone by action. Who knows, this may change the more I gain confidence and experience. I'm looking forward to the rest of the semester because it can only go up from here. I've never felt this way before, I'm not currently with someone but, I can feel that it will happen, and, I hope, soon. I have one real prospect at the moment, but if that doesn't work out, that's cool, she's a great person to just talk to. My last thought is this: Emily, I'm sorry for causing all your grief, I'm sorry for making you cry, and above all, I still care for you and want you to be happy.

Saving my life
I'm leaving you
Save me from
All that I have become
-The New Descent

--==ForDearLife==--