Living again.

[skywalker57]

I suppose i should start by saying that i'm home, which is good and bad I suppose. I think its true what they say, that you can never go home again, because I'm different. I can't feel the warmth that I once did, but I can't tell if that's because of the break up or not. It's been a month now, and i'm alone, feeling the same as I did on d-day. I don't want to think anymore, i don't want to feel this emptiness anymore. God, what was I supposed to do differently? I'm so confused all the time, everything I thought was secure has come loose and is rattling around in my head. A good friend told me that the best way to get over this is to not think about it at all, but I don't think that I can do that. It's as if my brain is working on overdrive and shows no signs of stopping; i overanalyze, overthink, and worry about everything. I worry about how I look at all times, i'm self conscious at all times. I haven't been comfortable in a very long time...it's like i'm trying to impress everyone i meet and get nowhere. In my little "clique" if you could call it that, i'm the "quiet" one who, if he disappeared for a few days, no one would even notice. I can't figure out why this is, it's not that I like being quiet, and I do talk, but I just never have anything unimportant to say. I feel like speech is wasted on so many idiots in the world that I feel like it should be conserved, saved for things that needed to be said instead of idle conversation that no one will remember five minutes from now. This "quiet" trait is something I get from my dad i think, seeing as how I seem talkative compared to him. I have so many regrets, and a lot of them stem from my inability to just go with the flow. This may be why I drink so much at parties, because i'm so much more talkative after I do. That's so goddamn depressing, I don't care to think about it, I have enough problems without thinking about an alcohol problem. I just want a breath of fresh air, a place where I can call home and be comfortable, a soul mate, a group of friends that care. I know my friends care, especially a select few, and you know who you are. I hate how the world moves on with or without you, it's the most callous thing to just pick up and move on and act like what you had meant nothing, but if you don't, you get left behind and no one gives a shit. I'm not usually the one to mope around and drag my feet when something goes wrong, but this brought me to my knees, shaking the very ground I step on. What do I do for the rest of my life? Does it even matter anymore? What is the most important thing in life? It can't be love, as I once thought, with all other things being in support of that. I wrack my brain all day, secretly trying to find hope again, something that will tell me that this life isn't pointless and that I shouldn't go on. When I look 10 years down the road, what do I see? A boring job that gives me ample time to be with my...and there's nothing there anymore. If I become one of those people who drift through life without finding someone to share their life with....well, suffice it to say that it won't get that far. Faith. God, this is the hardest thing for me. Growing up a Roman Catholic, it's supposed to guide my every move, i'm supposed to never have doubts, and trust in God. When I met her, I knew, not thought, that God was there with me, guiding me, with a hand on my shoulder and a smile on his face. This boost in faith was brought on by a single person, and I thanked God every day for the gift that he gave me. So much of my faith hinged on her, it was like they had become one, faith in God meant faith in the relationship. This was probably wrong somehow, but it seemed fitting, because I always felt as if I had God's approval of everything that she and I shared together. The things we did together were done out of love for each other and our desire to see each other happy. Then college happened. The distance, the mistakes we made, the changes made inside ourselves, the unhappiness all culminated into a giant emotional balloon, fragile, ready to break at any time. When it happened, I lost all contact with God that day. I've wanted to cry almost every day, but can't, there's something holding it back and I didn't know what it was for the longest time. It was the lack of warmth, that feeling that comes over you when you know you're completely safe and the people around you love you and won't ever judge you. I had only one person in my life who did that for me, and she was the only person i've ever cried in front of for a little less than ten years. With her gone, who was I to go to? God was gone, she was gone, I was in college, so my family can't help. My friends have no idea what this is like, at least not close enough to realize what this type of thing does to a person. I realized sometime afterwards that God was still with me, even though my faith wavered, which makes me feel guilty. I hate that I get so affected by the most minute thing that I do wrong. I blame myself for every problem that she and I had. If only's crowd my brain. The guilt lingers too, its not as if I can forgive myself either. Faith. I just hope that God can forgive me for screwing things up so badly. Some people might think i'm being overdramatic, or depressed, well, then i say that you don't know me at all. These are the things that I think are important, and should be talked about in our daily lives. Friendship, love, anger, Faith, morals, God, support, help, and similar things. I have a sense of humor...there are a lot of people who either don't understand my type of humor, don't understand my references, or just plain don't like my type of humor. I like joking around too, its not as if I don't talk about unimportant things, but when these things become your main topic of conversation, and you don't have anything else to say, then you aren't giving what God gave you: your heart and your mind. I can't tell what I use more, but i know that think way too much, so maybe its time to turn off both for a while. Stop caring about anything and just coast. I wish. I'd feel guilty again for doing that, so i have no idea what to do. I know my logic is circular, but welcome to my life. I don't have many beliefs, because they are liquid, constantly shifting depending on who i'm talking to. Am I destined to be the eternal listener? All I do is argue the devil's point when i'm talking to someone. I hate that about myself because I know why I do it: I try to make myself feel better by showing how intelligent I am. I have no problem admitting that I'm intelligent, that doesn't make me feel guilty. Why? Because its not mine, it's God's, i'm simply utilizing the gift. There's so much, so much that I wish I could go back and change, i'm struggling to keep it down. The water's rising and I don't know if I remember how to swim.

Please come back to me
You are what I need
'Cause it hurts so bad right now
You are lost to me
-The New Descent

-==For Dear Life==--