Whether or no do my options flow.
It would be really fucking cool if i ever get the chance to work full time. I now have two casual jobs, and although neither is working out for me i dont have many options available.
Now one option is to be that i move to the coast and hope with some good hours at The Warehouse should be able to live, and perhaps also transfer my K-mart up there if its not enough.
Pros:
-I can live
-Ill start a new life
-I might be able to eventually get a job with a mate up there in internet caffe` lounges.
Cons:
-It will be very tight, there is no cheap rent there, being near a beach means there is only middle cost rentals (380+ for 2 bedroom) up to the apartments on the beach (far more then you can afford).
-Ill lose everything/everyone i have here. (But that isnt as much a worry as it was a week ago)
-I would be stuck in a crappy chain department retail store on my feet all day with no career whatsoever.
My other option is really to keep transporting up and down, maybe kill off one of my jobs (namely the one at k-mart) live down here (maybe bum off that dave charactor dependant on if he can even handle having me around much more) and try and strike it lucky with a job FULLTIME at something.
Pros:
-I will end up with a bit of a career, and will deffinately make independance in a year, meaning i can then take up study.
-I keep everyone i know and wont go insane without my friends.
Cons:
-Ill be broke as fuck
-Ill be worn out as hell from driving
-Ill be still invading Dave's privacy
-Ill be still invading Peter's (north coast peter) privacy
-If anything major happens ill have to ask for money from parents
Any discussion is appreciated.
Well Im struggling to see point in trying but im going through the motions to get everything done. Im not sure how i feel anymore about anything, i suppose this is numb. Im really glad of the friends that i have, especially dave who just keeps on giving me a roof under which to sleep. Despite the times he wants to be picked up at 3am when ive fallen asleep two or three times before he needs picking up, and hence some poor moods ive thrown at him, i really should give him more credit considering my life has rested so much upon him.
I hope that I just can get lucky with a job and be able to start my life again. Its tough mentally not to just cave in, because you know its not right for you to continue to take so much from your friends, but you dont have much of a choice. Ive managed to get through alot, so far. Ive managed to survive a PC upgrade taht went to disaster when my car's tyre blew up, meaning that the money i had in reserve wasnt really there. Not a smart decision, i had to borrow money from my parents ($100) which wasnt too bad considering the new tyres and rims cost $400 and the PC upgrade was a further $300. So really if i didnt spend the money i would have been fine. Now im surviving with a job that knows im dependant soley on it, and hence after every thing they ask of me, they say "and make sure you do it proper, else you will be wearing a sack!". Fucking exploiting company. K-mart is shit. Luckily they dont know im quitting. Luckily most of them dont know i have a second job and can ignore them.
My situation is hopefully slowly improving, and its a good sign. Im still applying for 5+ jobs every day (meaning 5 actual resume send-outs) and hence going through about 120 every day. Its really disapointing to see how many rejections i get, but i have had a couple of good ones.. and i hope with just trying i should be able to get lucky just from playing them long enough.
If we take another glance at me emotionally, im really fucked on. I cant really go for an hour without regretting losing my girlfriend. although everyone saw this comming there was always that part in me that was convinced that we were strong enough to work through the problem, find a solution, and id be able to work myself in with how she changed herself. Now that its over every time i see her my thoughts still jump to "Its going to be okay.. we will be okay." and then realisation "Its over. Its the only way." and I still cant begin to realise that internally. Its horrible.. I should have gone through this when i was younger so now i could be a little more used to it.. but every hour i wonder about it. Every time i get sidetracked its about how its over. I just dont know what to make of it. I feel so immature and confused. Its horrible.
Physically ive been losing weight. Now that may not seem like a big thing to most of you out there, but at current i weigh in at a heavy 55kg's. Now thats pretty bad. What that means is ive been losing all that muscle mass I had from soccer/volleyball/refereeing/skating and its gone to fat. You can see it. You take off my shirt and where there was once a kind of scrawny chest with toned ab's is now a scrawny chest with a flabby gut. Where my legs were once powerful and absolutely toned from hours of running each day. I now have a somewhat reduced version. No fat maybe, but the musclemass has been disappearing.
So now im short, not toned and usually dirty because of work. Yay.
I really want to go to perhaps an indoor bath, one of those japanese style bathes, where i can just lay there for hours listening to crappy ambient music and forget myself. Thats all i wanted today. I wish i had the money.
Financially ive run out of money for the week (almost, i think i may ave $10). However, i DO have a full tank of BP's Premium. That 98octane stuff. That will last me a good 600km's and HOPEFULLY a week. (though unlikely). I should get a fair ammount of pay for working my two jobs. Tax wont be so good, aparently its not good practice to have two casual jobs in australia according to tax. =\ But my next big problem: I hit 60,000km's. That means i need a 60,000 km service. Thats not so great. Thats about $220. I really need to talk to PETER so that i know where isnt too bad to take it to. K-mart/colesmyer discount vouchers dont work on car services. That would be convenient.
My mood is really poor. One momment i can be happy, someone will mention something, i will think of something that Tam said, and ill pretty much reverse my mood. My longing sucks. I am jellous still.. im even freaking jellous of her cat. I hate myslef for so much, but i dont understand enough of what happened to know what to change. Im trying to grow to be a better person out of losing someone so dear to me, but i dont know what direction to take. Sometimes i just feel like crying. But it doesnt happen. It would be too easy to cry wouldnt it. Cry out, become physically and mentally totally drained.. sleep some and wake up more refreshed because emotionally and physically you are rested. Stupid male.
Umm.. i figure i should also mention this. Dear kat. Im not sure what i may have said, or done. Im sorry. I know im not going out with your best friend. I probably even upset her far more then i know. But the last thing i want is to lose anything i have. And i did at one stage recently regain a good friendship out of you. I know you are tired, sick and need rest, and i hope you get well soon. In fact i hope you get better instantanously. If you can chat to me at some time and tell me whats up or if im reading this wrong, please it would be appreciated. If you have even read this far.
Thats about all i have to say.. its about everything thats on my mind. I needed i think to clear it some so i could maybe sleep a little better tonight. I cant sleep well anymore. My mind just thinks about how horrible i was to Tam. How horrible my life is. How desprately im fighting.
Well i finished my crown larger anyhow. So g'night.
Now one option is to be that i move to the coast and hope with some good hours at The Warehouse should be able to live, and perhaps also transfer my K-mart up there if its not enough.
Pros:
-I can live
-Ill start a new life
-I might be able to eventually get a job with a mate up there in internet caffe` lounges.
Cons:
-It will be very tight, there is no cheap rent there, being near a beach means there is only middle cost rentals (380+ for 2 bedroom) up to the apartments on the beach (far more then you can afford).
-Ill lose everything/everyone i have here. (But that isnt as much a worry as it was a week ago)
-I would be stuck in a crappy chain department retail store on my feet all day with no career whatsoever.
My other option is really to keep transporting up and down, maybe kill off one of my jobs (namely the one at k-mart) live down here (maybe bum off that dave charactor dependant on if he can even handle having me around much more) and try and strike it lucky with a job FULLTIME at something.
Pros:
-I will end up with a bit of a career, and will deffinately make independance in a year, meaning i can then take up study.
-I keep everyone i know and wont go insane without my friends.
Cons:
-Ill be broke as fuck
-Ill be worn out as hell from driving
-Ill be still invading Dave's privacy
-Ill be still invading Peter's (north coast peter) privacy
-If anything major happens ill have to ask for money from parents
Any discussion is appreciated.
Well Im struggling to see point in trying but im going through the motions to get everything done. Im not sure how i feel anymore about anything, i suppose this is numb. Im really glad of the friends that i have, especially dave who just keeps on giving me a roof under which to sleep. Despite the times he wants to be picked up at 3am when ive fallen asleep two or three times before he needs picking up, and hence some poor moods ive thrown at him, i really should give him more credit considering my life has rested so much upon him.
I hope that I just can get lucky with a job and be able to start my life again. Its tough mentally not to just cave in, because you know its not right for you to continue to take so much from your friends, but you dont have much of a choice. Ive managed to get through alot, so far. Ive managed to survive a PC upgrade taht went to disaster when my car's tyre blew up, meaning that the money i had in reserve wasnt really there. Not a smart decision, i had to borrow money from my parents ($100) which wasnt too bad considering the new tyres and rims cost $400 and the PC upgrade was a further $300. So really if i didnt spend the money i would have been fine. Now im surviving with a job that knows im dependant soley on it, and hence after every thing they ask of me, they say "and make sure you do it proper, else you will be wearing a sack!". Fucking exploiting company. K-mart is shit. Luckily they dont know im quitting. Luckily most of them dont know i have a second job and can ignore them.
My situation is hopefully slowly improving, and its a good sign. Im still applying for 5+ jobs every day (meaning 5 actual resume send-outs) and hence going through about 120 every day. Its really disapointing to see how many rejections i get, but i have had a couple of good ones.. and i hope with just trying i should be able to get lucky just from playing them long enough.
If we take another glance at me emotionally, im really fucked on. I cant really go for an hour without regretting losing my girlfriend. although everyone saw this comming there was always that part in me that was convinced that we were strong enough to work through the problem, find a solution, and id be able to work myself in with how she changed herself. Now that its over every time i see her my thoughts still jump to "Its going to be okay.. we will be okay." and then realisation "Its over. Its the only way." and I still cant begin to realise that internally. Its horrible.. I should have gone through this when i was younger so now i could be a little more used to it.. but every hour i wonder about it. Every time i get sidetracked its about how its over. I just dont know what to make of it. I feel so immature and confused. Its horrible.
Physically ive been losing weight. Now that may not seem like a big thing to most of you out there, but at current i weigh in at a heavy 55kg's. Now thats pretty bad. What that means is ive been losing all that muscle mass I had from soccer/volleyball/refereeing/skating and its gone to fat. You can see it. You take off my shirt and where there was once a kind of scrawny chest with toned ab's is now a scrawny chest with a flabby gut. Where my legs were once powerful and absolutely toned from hours of running each day. I now have a somewhat reduced version. No fat maybe, but the musclemass has been disappearing.
So now im short, not toned and usually dirty because of work. Yay.
I really want to go to perhaps an indoor bath, one of those japanese style bathes, where i can just lay there for hours listening to crappy ambient music and forget myself. Thats all i wanted today. I wish i had the money.
Financially ive run out of money for the week (almost, i think i may ave $10). However, i DO have a full tank of BP's Premium. That 98octane stuff. That will last me a good 600km's and HOPEFULLY a week. (though unlikely). I should get a fair ammount of pay for working my two jobs. Tax wont be so good, aparently its not good practice to have two casual jobs in australia according to tax. =\ But my next big problem: I hit 60,000km's. That means i need a 60,000 km service. Thats not so great. Thats about $220. I really need to talk to PETER so that i know where isnt too bad to take it to. K-mart/colesmyer discount vouchers dont work on car services. That would be convenient.
My mood is really poor. One momment i can be happy, someone will mention something, i will think of something that Tam said, and ill pretty much reverse my mood. My longing sucks. I am jellous still.. im even freaking jellous of her cat. I hate myslef for so much, but i dont understand enough of what happened to know what to change. Im trying to grow to be a better person out of losing someone so dear to me, but i dont know what direction to take. Sometimes i just feel like crying. But it doesnt happen. It would be too easy to cry wouldnt it. Cry out, become physically and mentally totally drained.. sleep some and wake up more refreshed because emotionally and physically you are rested. Stupid male.
Umm.. i figure i should also mention this. Dear kat. Im not sure what i may have said, or done. Im sorry. I know im not going out with your best friend. I probably even upset her far more then i know. But the last thing i want is to lose anything i have. And i did at one stage recently regain a good friendship out of you. I know you are tired, sick and need rest, and i hope you get well soon. In fact i hope you get better instantanously. If you can chat to me at some time and tell me whats up or if im reading this wrong, please it would be appreciated. If you have even read this far.
Thats about all i have to say.. its about everything thats on my mind. I needed i think to clear it some so i could maybe sleep a little better tonight. I cant sleep well anymore. My mind just thinks about how horrible i was to Tam. How horrible my life is. How desprately im fighting.
Well i finished my crown larger anyhow. So g'night.