Colorless (Section Thirty-Six)
Hoping the mood would stick with me the rest of the day, I headed off to school.
***
I stayed in study hall again. I had no desire to go to the library and think about how many people weren’t talking to me. To my dismay, Nick stayed too. I wanted to draw this hour, but I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to concentrate with him around. What would happen if I just crossed the room and sat next to him like nothing had happened? Would he get angry? Ignore me? Or just pretend everything was all fine?
I closed my eyes for a second. Now was not the time for this. If I talked to him now, it would be on his terms. He had to come to me, or, if I caved, we had to meet on neutral ground, somewhere that meant nothing to either of us.
Once I felt comfortable with that decision, I opened my eyes again. I still felt a pang of regret when I glanced in his direction, but it was ignorable. I knew we’d fix this soon, just not right now. I took out my notebook and my favorite pen.
I quickly discovered that there’s nothing more intimidating than a blank page. What did I want to draw? I glanced around the room for an idea, drawing endless loopy corkscrews on the top margin as I studied my classmates. My eyes caught on Nick-he was looking my way. My fingers froze. He met my eyes for a second. He looked like he was actually upset about this time, and for some reason this bothered me even more than his deliberate ignoring yesterday. My hand tightened around the pen, but I waited until he looked away to look at my paper again.
I stared at the corkscrews, tasting bile in the back of my mouth, and then I saw something else. A face. Rain’s face. It wasn’t her typical dead-eyed stare, though, and that was why I gave into the buzzing in my ears and let the image flow out of my head. She looked… like she was going to cry. Like she thought she would never be happy again.
Like Nick had finally told her flat-out how he felt.
I took more time with this one because I knew who it was and because I couldn’t smudge away the mistakes I made. I still made some, but when I was finished-again, it took less than five minutes-I had a pretty passable portrait of Rain. I touched the lines; I had pressed down so hard that there were deep grooves in the paper. He couldn’t have… had he? It would certainly explain why he looked so sad. I glanced Nick’s way again and wished I could confront him with the picture, ask him why he was thinking about it.
But I couldn’t. I put the cap back on my pen and tried not to scowl. Suddenly I wasn’t so pleased with the “it’ll get better in time” bit.
***
I got there first to lunch and sat down. I didn’t take anything to eat again. I was nervous, but it was the manageable sort, the every-day kind. The kind I’m used to. It was just because of what I had to talk to Andy about. I smiled as he sat down next to me. He looked a bit nervous, or maybe distracted, but he smiled back, just the same as always. I nudged him. “Hey, can I come over tonight? I need to talk to you about something.” His mouth full of food, Andy raised his eyebrows. “Nothing big, just some… stuff.”
Andy frowned a little. “Well, yeah, of course.” He rubbed his neck. “But I should warn you that my aunt Maripoza is visiting. She’s… a battle-axe, to say the least. Very intimidating, especially the first time you meet her.”
I shrugged. Dinners with my grandfather had basically inoculated me against anything involving creepy old people. I paused. “Oh. Elly wanted to know fis he could come too-she said something about getting away from Nick for a while.” Andy’s frown deepened. I shrugged a little. “I’m sorry-you know how she can be. She stops listening the second you try and tell her no.”
Andy shrugged. “Eh, it’s not a big deal. Aunt Maripoza doesn’t know yet, so it’s probably best if I act as straight as possible.” I cocked my head. “We haven’t dared tell her. She’s, um… traditionally minded, and she’s kind of the family boss.”
I raised my eyebrows, then jabbed him in the side with my elbow. “I always knew you were a member of the Spanish mafia.”
Andy looked at me for a second. “…Ben, I’m Mexican.”
***
As we were assigned something to draw in fifth hour, nothing odd happened. I’d expected to get nervous about my approaching confession, but… really, I wasn’t. I was almost positive that Andy was a werewolf, so it didn’t make sense to worry that he would freak out about my being a telepath-as long as I established I wasn’t a Tracker up front, of course. The only question was how to mention Nick and Elly… but since Elly would be there, I didn’t have to worry about that.
The lack of worry sort of… well, worried me at first, but I kept reminding myself that this was something I was doing by myself, for myself. Yeah, Elly’s news had changed my mind, but I had refused to do just this when she had mentioned it before-even when my parents had mentioned it.
I caught up with Andy, and we headed out to the bike rack to meet Elly. She was smoking, but in an off-hand, disinterested sort of way. She tossed the cigarette aside and walked up to join us. “So shall we go?” She scooted inbetween us and held out her arms.
Andy glanced at me over the top of her head; I shrugged. After a moment, we both took an arm and started walking.
***
I stayed in study hall again. I had no desire to go to the library and think about how many people weren’t talking to me. To my dismay, Nick stayed too. I wanted to draw this hour, but I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to concentrate with him around. What would happen if I just crossed the room and sat next to him like nothing had happened? Would he get angry? Ignore me? Or just pretend everything was all fine?
I closed my eyes for a second. Now was not the time for this. If I talked to him now, it would be on his terms. He had to come to me, or, if I caved, we had to meet on neutral ground, somewhere that meant nothing to either of us.
Once I felt comfortable with that decision, I opened my eyes again. I still felt a pang of regret when I glanced in his direction, but it was ignorable. I knew we’d fix this soon, just not right now. I took out my notebook and my favorite pen.
I quickly discovered that there’s nothing more intimidating than a blank page. What did I want to draw? I glanced around the room for an idea, drawing endless loopy corkscrews on the top margin as I studied my classmates. My eyes caught on Nick-he was looking my way. My fingers froze. He met my eyes for a second. He looked like he was actually upset about this time, and for some reason this bothered me even more than his deliberate ignoring yesterday. My hand tightened around the pen, but I waited until he looked away to look at my paper again.
I stared at the corkscrews, tasting bile in the back of my mouth, and then I saw something else. A face. Rain’s face. It wasn’t her typical dead-eyed stare, though, and that was why I gave into the buzzing in my ears and let the image flow out of my head. She looked… like she was going to cry. Like she thought she would never be happy again.
Like Nick had finally told her flat-out how he felt.
I took more time with this one because I knew who it was and because I couldn’t smudge away the mistakes I made. I still made some, but when I was finished-again, it took less than five minutes-I had a pretty passable portrait of Rain. I touched the lines; I had pressed down so hard that there were deep grooves in the paper. He couldn’t have… had he? It would certainly explain why he looked so sad. I glanced Nick’s way again and wished I could confront him with the picture, ask him why he was thinking about it.
But I couldn’t. I put the cap back on my pen and tried not to scowl. Suddenly I wasn’t so pleased with the “it’ll get better in time” bit.
***
I got there first to lunch and sat down. I didn’t take anything to eat again. I was nervous, but it was the manageable sort, the every-day kind. The kind I’m used to. It was just because of what I had to talk to Andy about. I smiled as he sat down next to me. He looked a bit nervous, or maybe distracted, but he smiled back, just the same as always. I nudged him. “Hey, can I come over tonight? I need to talk to you about something.” His mouth full of food, Andy raised his eyebrows. “Nothing big, just some… stuff.”
Andy frowned a little. “Well, yeah, of course.” He rubbed his neck. “But I should warn you that my aunt Maripoza is visiting. She’s… a battle-axe, to say the least. Very intimidating, especially the first time you meet her.”
I shrugged. Dinners with my grandfather had basically inoculated me against anything involving creepy old people. I paused. “Oh. Elly wanted to know fis he could come too-she said something about getting away from Nick for a while.” Andy’s frown deepened. I shrugged a little. “I’m sorry-you know how she can be. She stops listening the second you try and tell her no.”
Andy shrugged. “Eh, it’s not a big deal. Aunt Maripoza doesn’t know yet, so it’s probably best if I act as straight as possible.” I cocked my head. “We haven’t dared tell her. She’s, um… traditionally minded, and she’s kind of the family boss.”
I raised my eyebrows, then jabbed him in the side with my elbow. “I always knew you were a member of the Spanish mafia.”
Andy looked at me for a second. “…Ben, I’m Mexican.”
***
As we were assigned something to draw in fifth hour, nothing odd happened. I’d expected to get nervous about my approaching confession, but… really, I wasn’t. I was almost positive that Andy was a werewolf, so it didn’t make sense to worry that he would freak out about my being a telepath-as long as I established I wasn’t a Tracker up front, of course. The only question was how to mention Nick and Elly… but since Elly would be there, I didn’t have to worry about that.
The lack of worry sort of… well, worried me at first, but I kept reminding myself that this was something I was doing by myself, for myself. Yeah, Elly’s news had changed my mind, but I had refused to do just this when she had mentioned it before-even when my parents had mentioned it.
I caught up with Andy, and we headed out to the bike rack to meet Elly. She was smoking, but in an off-hand, disinterested sort of way. She tossed the cigarette aside and walked up to join us. “So shall we go?” She scooted inbetween us and held out her arms.
Andy glanced at me over the top of her head; I shrugged. After a moment, we both took an arm and started walking.