January 3, 2014
So, hey there! Today my friends and I went tubing, which was to say in the least extraordinary. I had a really, really good time, but some stuff happened later that kind of spoiled the mood of the day. Whatever. There'll be more under the cut, and I'll make up for the ficlet I forgot to write sometime later. I dunno.
It (tubing) was pretty terrifying at first because we had to go headfirst down the mountain, but it turned out to be awesome. We all really liked it, and after an hour or so of tubing we decided to go back inside for hot chocolate to warm up.
We all sat down (I think I forgot to mention this earlier: by "we", I mean my two friends Izzy and Lauren, and myself. Both of them are older than me, but Izzy's younger than Lauren.) and had some food along with our hot chocolate, which consisted of two plates of over-salted French fries and a couple of mango smoothies. Which, by the way, were fanTASTIC.
Anyways, one of my friend's mom's friends (her name's Jen, she's quite nice actually) came over and asked us if we wanted to go in the hot tub. We hadn't remembered to pack bathing suits- oh, how stupid of us to forget our bathing suits to go tubing down a ski hill. We were wearing layers, though, so we decided to go for it. The one thing, though, was that the hot tub was outside. In the snow and 20 degree weather. Which, actually, didn't turn out to be too unpleasant. The walks back and forth between the hot tub were quite chilly, as walking around in the middle of winter, soaking wet, in nothing but your underwear isn't usually very warming.
The hot tub was actually pretty hot. I'm talking like, almost burning your skin off kind of hot. The heat sort of compensated for the harsh winter around us, so while the snow piled up around the tub we were toasty-warm.
I guess I can cross catching snowflakes in your mouth while swimming off my bucket list.
So, we left for home after that and went to this amazing Chinese buffet restaurant. I'm still freakin' stuffed from that place, I ate so much. It was a nice addition to a nice (at least, so far) day.
However, when we got home Izzy and I decided to play this stupid freakin' game on my Wii, Mario Kart, again. We'd been at it for the past few days, and she'd gotten pretty good for just having started. I was one of those weird loner kids when I was younger, so my friends were video game characters. Being this kid, I'd played every single racetrack on every single setting, and could pretty easily get in the top rankings most of the time. So, we're playing, and everything's going well until we're about a half an hour in, and my sister (Casey) and the older friend (Lauren) decide to start watching us race.
I've got pretty bad social anxiety as it is, and being in a room with this many people had put me on edge. It certainly didn't help that I'm really competitive when playing games, and I take shit personally. This is why I like to play alone: if I win, it's only video game characters. They're fine. And if I lose, and I make a big deal, there's not anyone else's fun to ruin. Simple, and easy. But that's not the situation. I'm sitting here with three or four other people in the room, and I'm stressing about that while stressing about the game and you can probably see where this is going.
(Sorry for the rant, I just can't bring myself to tell people face-to-face about this)
There's this thing my previous counselor told me about: intrusive thoughts. If you've ever heard of auditory hallucinations, or listened to a recreation of one, then it's a *bit* like that. But it's in your own head, it's not a hallucination. It's just really, really unpleasant thoughts that, well, intrude.
So, I'm playing this game, and I feel pretty okay. I've had a few of those brandy beans, and the mixture of the sugar and edge from the brandy make me feel a bit more comfortable in the situation. Which is usually good. But as I'm playing, there's a few cars that pass me, a few obstacles I run into and have to take time to get around. I get pretty vocal when I'm playing, it's just how I am, and everyone thought it was kind of amusing at first. But later, I was getting really frustrated and cursed at one of the characters as they passed me. So Izzy and I are talking, and she makes some comment about how I get mad (actually, upset when I play video games. I'm like, yeah, I do, I get road-rage from this game. And then she goes on to talk about how obnoxious it is, and I'm like, well I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. Just, that's what I do when I play video games. She's known me for years at this point. I'm starting to just realize at this point that she's not being rude, that I was, and just. Everything stopped.
I just...realized how silly I'd been acting. Yelling at the TV, cursing at the characters, being disappointed when I get second place instead of first. I feel like absolute shit for the way I'd acted, and it reminded me of how I used to act. When I was like, 11. The little kid who didn't have friends.
I thought I'd changed, but apparently not. I'd fucking blown it. I apologized, but it wasn't like they actually cared. Izzy's not the type to be sensitive. And so, these intrusive thoughts? Yep. They started flooding my mind.
At this point the frustration and anxiety and loss of control was getting to be too much, so I excused myself to the bathroom and I just...fell apart.
It's been a long time since I went to the bathroom to let myself cry. I'd gone through some pretty severe depression and anxiety over the past few years, and didn't have much support other than one or two of my friends, but I've found ways to get past it. I thought I was better. I thought I was done with screwing something up, and the thoughts getting so awful and accusative that I couldn't handle it and had to excuse myself.
They're awful. They're the reason I can't do anything right. I mess something up, and I don't feel too bad about it. I know I can make it better. But the thoughts, they just come back and say You're not good enough. You can't do anything right. You should be ashamed of yourself.
They just shouted at me, telling me I'm obnoxious and stupid and that I shouldn't even try anymore because my friends hate me and pity me and that's why they just like me. Most of the time I can just ignore the thoughts, but they always find their way into me. Always.
I can't feel anything much right now. I've cried myself dry, and now it's 3 in the morning and I don't know what do to. I feel like shit. I feel like I've messed up their visit, and it's my fault that I won't be normal and okay and myself tomorrow, but. I know deep in me that it's not. I know it's the thoughts. But I just keep blaming myself, that's what they want. I need to stop. I'm sorry if you're reading this, I probably scarred you with my disgusting mind. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry
It (tubing) was pretty terrifying at first because we had to go headfirst down the mountain, but it turned out to be awesome. We all really liked it, and after an hour or so of tubing we decided to go back inside for hot chocolate to warm up.
We all sat down (I think I forgot to mention this earlier: by "we", I mean my two friends Izzy and Lauren, and myself. Both of them are older than me, but Izzy's younger than Lauren.) and had some food along with our hot chocolate, which consisted of two plates of over-salted French fries and a couple of mango smoothies. Which, by the way, were fanTASTIC.
Anyways, one of my friend's mom's friends (her name's Jen, she's quite nice actually) came over and asked us if we wanted to go in the hot tub. We hadn't remembered to pack bathing suits- oh, how stupid of us to forget our bathing suits to go tubing down a ski hill. We were wearing layers, though, so we decided to go for it. The one thing, though, was that the hot tub was outside. In the snow and 20 degree weather. Which, actually, didn't turn out to be too unpleasant. The walks back and forth between the hot tub were quite chilly, as walking around in the middle of winter, soaking wet, in nothing but your underwear isn't usually very warming.
The hot tub was actually pretty hot. I'm talking like, almost burning your skin off kind of hot. The heat sort of compensated for the harsh winter around us, so while the snow piled up around the tub we were toasty-warm.
I guess I can cross catching snowflakes in your mouth while swimming off my bucket list.
So, we left for home after that and went to this amazing Chinese buffet restaurant. I'm still freakin' stuffed from that place, I ate so much. It was a nice addition to a nice (at least, so far) day.
However, when we got home Izzy and I decided to play this stupid freakin' game on my Wii, Mario Kart, again. We'd been at it for the past few days, and she'd gotten pretty good for just having started. I was one of those weird loner kids when I was younger, so my friends were video game characters. Being this kid, I'd played every single racetrack on every single setting, and could pretty easily get in the top rankings most of the time. So, we're playing, and everything's going well until we're about a half an hour in, and my sister (Casey) and the older friend (Lauren) decide to start watching us race.
I've got pretty bad social anxiety as it is, and being in a room with this many people had put me on edge. It certainly didn't help that I'm really competitive when playing games, and I take shit personally. This is why I like to play alone: if I win, it's only video game characters. They're fine. And if I lose, and I make a big deal, there's not anyone else's fun to ruin. Simple, and easy. But that's not the situation. I'm sitting here with three or four other people in the room, and I'm stressing about that while stressing about the game and you can probably see where this is going.
(Sorry for the rant, I just can't bring myself to tell people face-to-face about this)
There's this thing my previous counselor told me about: intrusive thoughts. If you've ever heard of auditory hallucinations, or listened to a recreation of one, then it's a *bit* like that. But it's in your own head, it's not a hallucination. It's just really, really unpleasant thoughts that, well, intrude.
So, I'm playing this game, and I feel pretty okay. I've had a few of those brandy beans, and the mixture of the sugar and edge from the brandy make me feel a bit more comfortable in the situation. Which is usually good. But as I'm playing, there's a few cars that pass me, a few obstacles I run into and have to take time to get around. I get pretty vocal when I'm playing, it's just how I am, and everyone thought it was kind of amusing at first. But later, I was getting really frustrated and cursed at one of the characters as they passed me. So Izzy and I are talking, and she makes some comment about how I get mad (actually, upset when I play video games. I'm like, yeah, I do, I get road-rage from this game. And then she goes on to talk about how obnoxious it is, and I'm like, well I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. Just, that's what I do when I play video games. She's known me for years at this point. I'm starting to just realize at this point that she's not being rude, that I was, and just. Everything stopped.
I just...realized how silly I'd been acting. Yelling at the TV, cursing at the characters, being disappointed when I get second place instead of first. I feel like absolute shit for the way I'd acted, and it reminded me of how I used to act. When I was like, 11. The little kid who didn't have friends.
I thought I'd changed, but apparently not. I'd fucking blown it. I apologized, but it wasn't like they actually cared. Izzy's not the type to be sensitive. And so, these intrusive thoughts? Yep. They started flooding my mind.
At this point the frustration and anxiety and loss of control was getting to be too much, so I excused myself to the bathroom and I just...fell apart.
It's been a long time since I went to the bathroom to let myself cry. I'd gone through some pretty severe depression and anxiety over the past few years, and didn't have much support other than one or two of my friends, but I've found ways to get past it. I thought I was better. I thought I was done with screwing something up, and the thoughts getting so awful and accusative that I couldn't handle it and had to excuse myself.
They're awful. They're the reason I can't do anything right. I mess something up, and I don't feel too bad about it. I know I can make it better. But the thoughts, they just come back and say You're not good enough. You can't do anything right. You should be ashamed of yourself.
They just shouted at me, telling me I'm obnoxious and stupid and that I shouldn't even try anymore because my friends hate me and pity me and that's why they just like me. Most of the time I can just ignore the thoughts, but they always find their way into me. Always.
I can't feel anything much right now. I've cried myself dry, and now it's 3 in the morning and I don't know what do to. I feel like shit. I feel like I've messed up their visit, and it's my fault that I won't be normal and okay and myself tomorrow, but. I know deep in me that it's not. I know it's the thoughts. But I just keep blaming myself, that's what they want. I need to stop. I'm sorry if you're reading this, I probably scarred you with my disgusting mind. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry