Skyrim Page 1 - "Hail summoner, why don't you conjure me up a warm bed."
The Elder Scrolls Kink Meme
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“Martin Septim! One of the greatest Septims who ever lived! Except for the whole turning into a dragon thing. That caused quite a mess! I went into the planes of Oblivion themselves to win support for his name. All the stinking lava and dust and blood I put up with. I took a hundred sigil stones from a hundred towers to shut the gates to this plane. I dealt with Daedra and Aedra alike, just so I could help him stop the Crisis.”
“We stopped the Crisis,” a Thalmor said in a rather nasally voice.
“You lot did bloody nothing. Only the blood of a Dragonborn could seal the Oblivion Gates for good, and Martin Septim was the only Dragonborn. Martin gave his life to save the Empire, and I gave my sanity. I helped every last person in the province of Cyrodiil, without a word of thanks. Oh, they named me Champion, but that wasn’t a retirement. It just meant they turned to me the minute the gate to the Shivering Isles opened. The last thing I did as Champion was leave behind a series of books, so the world would not forget. You’ll find them, Dovahkiin - they were written for those like you. The ones who have to take care of everything and everyone.
“Of course, now that I look at the Empire, it’s a fat lot of good our sacrifices did. Now, normally I can’t interfere too much on the mortal plane.” The woman smirked, slowly growing a beard and reverting back to her former form as Sheogorath. “Normally. You see, I had a bit of a chat with your Nine.”
“Eight,” one of the Thalmor said sharply, determined not to be corrected again. Sheogorath’s grin grew, revealing a series of pointed, sharp teeth.
“Nine. Kynareth, Zenithar, Julianos, Stendarr, Mara, Dibella, Arkay, Akatosh and Talos. The last is not the least. They’re rather annoyed you keep forgetting one of their number, you see. They’re too good and noble to do anything themselves, of course - but that doesn’t mean they’ll go out of their way to protect you.”
Grinning widely now, the madgod swaggered towards the Thalmor.
“So, little elves, run. Run back to your masters, or hide in forgotten mountains. Madness will take you all for what you have done.”
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Go Sheogorath, go! Rain flaming dogs down on those stupid people!
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Go get 'em, Champion!
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Also, I want to dedicate a story to you, so please post some identifying comment here (e.g. "You can call me 'Anna'"), or un-anon properly on the appropriate page so I know who you are :D
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