So it is written, so... wait, it needs to be written first.
I've sat at this computer for a couple of days looking for something to write about. Since taking St. John's Wort, the scary-go-round which was my state of mind has slowed down a lot. Fully off of my prescription meds (which messed up both my body and mind) my thoughts have been more lucid and well normal for the lack of a better word.
Sure I still have my highs and lows but they are not as bad or radical. The depression is still there but less formidable then before. Even alone I rarely go into such dark places. Instead of hiding from my problems, I have started tackling them, one at a time (somehow still at the same time).
In September, my situation tanked.
Badly.
A judgment was set against me that garnished 25% of my net pay (which averages out to about 100.00). I was a month behind on my rent and was a month behind on my lights and cable, but was always promising myself that I would fix at a later date. Then my landlady called me and informed me that I was 'TWO' months behind. That scared me to death. Between that and my house looking like a disaster area, per my normal housekeeping skills, I didn't sleep for two days. My mother was worrying sick, because she couldn't help me out of this jam. This was all added to the fact that there was a freeze on overtime at work, and I had to take one day off a month without pay. At that moment I thought to myself that I was going to be homeless.
Duckie, Koddie's wife, was talking to me eariler. I asked her to come cheerlead me while I tried to start working on my house, because the stench was so bad that the neighbors complained and the landlady was going to evict me for that. She and I talked about an anime idea that I had stirring in my head as I cleaned my living room. Still the panic was there and I couldn't sleep. The head of Human Resources and I got together and tried to figure out a solution but because I was so wrapped up in panic there was no true plan other then a quick fix of borrowing money from my work place. With all that was going on, I decided to file for bankruptcy.
However, I was too broke to go bankrupt, which was a miracle in disguise as I would later find out.
I talked a few things over with my mom, and got her to buy my bus passes for the rest of the year (well she offered and who was I to say no). Also I started taking the St. Johns at the time. October was a rough month for me financially, but I started to formulate a plan of action. At the same time, I decided that while I couldn't get a straggle hold of my finances just yet, I could control my living space. So I've kept my house realitively clean for the past two and a half months. Clean countertops, swept floors, the works, and while its not going to win any Good Housekeeping awards, the place looks fantastic in my eyes. But it took work, and a lot of it. I started finding my self-discepline, and my balance.
In November, I pulled another 500 out of my 401k, but with that I started making a budget. Not just in my head but on paper, which was more difficult the I had thought. By Thanksgiving, I was up to date with all of my bills. Everything that I was a month behind on was now paid up to date.
Now I have a six month budget, with enough for all of the essentials, and some room to manuver. I'm in my fouth week and am sticking to it. So, knocking on wood, unless I loose my job, I can keep everything but my cable (keeping my internet, and phone) and pay off what I owe my company in either Late May to Late July, which is when my scheduled payment is to actually end.
In this I have realized that I'm not a failure, but I do have a lot to take responsiblity for.
The next task I have set for myself is a more daunting one then my finance, even though it would not seem so.
Now I have to start mending fences between people who once considered me their friend.
Consider what I'm saying for a moment, people who knew me must have heard me bash myself for being a bad person. In this last disaster, I have come to realize that I'm a good person who made bad decisions and didn't own up to them when the time came. It was always easier to run and hide behind someone or something whenever the situation got too hot for me to deal with.
I've done it with friends, family, church, online; everywhere I have ran from my problems instead of dealing with them.
The only problem is I don't know how. I can, should and will apologize but that only goes so far; but as far as being one who has abused by vitrual neglect and abandoned most of my friends how exactly do I make amends? How do I do this without expecting anything in return, or any expectation at all?
All I can say at this point is that it is a truely humbling experance to be laid so low and having to climb back out of a hole (of your own making) without very little help. But I will say that climbing out has made me prouder of myself then I have ever been in my life.
Sure I still have my highs and lows but they are not as bad or radical. The depression is still there but less formidable then before. Even alone I rarely go into such dark places. Instead of hiding from my problems, I have started tackling them, one at a time (somehow still at the same time).
In September, my situation tanked.
Badly.
A judgment was set against me that garnished 25% of my net pay (which averages out to about 100.00). I was a month behind on my rent and was a month behind on my lights and cable, but was always promising myself that I would fix at a later date. Then my landlady called me and informed me that I was 'TWO' months behind. That scared me to death. Between that and my house looking like a disaster area, per my normal housekeeping skills, I didn't sleep for two days. My mother was worrying sick, because she couldn't help me out of this jam. This was all added to the fact that there was a freeze on overtime at work, and I had to take one day off a month without pay. At that moment I thought to myself that I was going to be homeless.
Duckie, Koddie's wife, was talking to me eariler. I asked her to come cheerlead me while I tried to start working on my house, because the stench was so bad that the neighbors complained and the landlady was going to evict me for that. She and I talked about an anime idea that I had stirring in my head as I cleaned my living room. Still the panic was there and I couldn't sleep. The head of Human Resources and I got together and tried to figure out a solution but because I was so wrapped up in panic there was no true plan other then a quick fix of borrowing money from my work place. With all that was going on, I decided to file for bankruptcy.
However, I was too broke to go bankrupt, which was a miracle in disguise as I would later find out.
I talked a few things over with my mom, and got her to buy my bus passes for the rest of the year (well she offered and who was I to say no). Also I started taking the St. Johns at the time. October was a rough month for me financially, but I started to formulate a plan of action. At the same time, I decided that while I couldn't get a straggle hold of my finances just yet, I could control my living space. So I've kept my house realitively clean for the past two and a half months. Clean countertops, swept floors, the works, and while its not going to win any Good Housekeeping awards, the place looks fantastic in my eyes. But it took work, and a lot of it. I started finding my self-discepline, and my balance.
In November, I pulled another 500 out of my 401k, but with that I started making a budget. Not just in my head but on paper, which was more difficult the I had thought. By Thanksgiving, I was up to date with all of my bills. Everything that I was a month behind on was now paid up to date.
Now I have a six month budget, with enough for all of the essentials, and some room to manuver. I'm in my fouth week and am sticking to it. So, knocking on wood, unless I loose my job, I can keep everything but my cable (keeping my internet, and phone) and pay off what I owe my company in either Late May to Late July, which is when my scheduled payment is to actually end.
In this I have realized that I'm not a failure, but I do have a lot to take responsiblity for.
The next task I have set for myself is a more daunting one then my finance, even though it would not seem so.
Now I have to start mending fences between people who once considered me their friend.
Consider what I'm saying for a moment, people who knew me must have heard me bash myself for being a bad person. In this last disaster, I have come to realize that I'm a good person who made bad decisions and didn't own up to them when the time came. It was always easier to run and hide behind someone or something whenever the situation got too hot for me to deal with.
I've done it with friends, family, church, online; everywhere I have ran from my problems instead of dealing with them.
The only problem is I don't know how. I can, should and will apologize but that only goes so far; but as far as being one who has abused by vitrual neglect and abandoned most of my friends how exactly do I make amends? How do I do this without expecting anything in return, or any expectation at all?
All I can say at this point is that it is a truely humbling experance to be laid so low and having to climb back out of a hole (of your own making) without very little help. But I will say that climbing out has made me prouder of myself then I have ever been in my life.