(no subject)
Mom is home from the hospital. She's not doing too great...but at least the doctor approved her to come home. I guess people are bringing us dinner every night this week...like they did after her car accident a few summers ago. All her foral arrangements have orchids in them. I don't know why.
I felt sad again last night. Earlier I spent 2 hours writing my personal statement for my college application only to have my dad tell me that it down-played the key points and didn't make enough important points period. I have no idea how to represent myself. I fucked up yesterday with the whole money thing. I feel so guilty about the car accident, my carelessness with my cell phone, all the fundraisers, all the dance classes. I feel worse that I can't take a job because I have no time to. There isn't anything in my life that I could remove to make things easier either. So I cleaned the house before mom got home. I am terrified about how I am going to take care of myself when I go away to college. I hate being so completely dependent on my dad and his money. I hate asking other people for things. I hate it. I hate it. I don't know how, but I have to figure out some way to pull myself out of this. I need to be okay with who I am. Cuz right now...I am not. I don't even know exactly who I think I am.
I felt sad again last night. Earlier I spent 2 hours writing my personal statement for my college application only to have my dad tell me that it down-played the key points and didn't make enough important points period. I have no idea how to represent myself. I fucked up yesterday with the whole money thing. I feel so guilty about the car accident, my carelessness with my cell phone, all the fundraisers, all the dance classes. I feel worse that I can't take a job because I have no time to. There isn't anything in my life that I could remove to make things easier either. So I cleaned the house before mom got home. I am terrified about how I am going to take care of myself when I go away to college. I hate being so completely dependent on my dad and his money. I hate asking other people for things. I hate it. I hate it. I don't know how, but I have to figure out some way to pull myself out of this. I need to be okay with who I am. Cuz right now...I am not. I don't even know exactly who I think I am.