The Bleeding of Me
Isn't it a truly great, though extremely peculiar, feeling when things seem to go right in your life? I mean, it's inevitable that it will all go to shit and you'll be miserable again soon, but sometimes I get a break from it for a week or two and when that happens, I just love it. I'm the type who hopes for the best, but expects the worst; I'd rather be surprised than disappointed, I guess. But for the last couple weeks, everything has been going really well. Nothing major or of much significance, but the little things kill and the little things heal. Last weekend, I had a barbecue at my apartment and all my family actually came. I was very pleasantly surprised because the idea hadn't even occurred to me until the day before it took place. On such short notice, you expect a few people, at least, to not be able to make it. But that wasn't the case this time. My mom, dad, his wife, all three sisters, all but one of my nieces and nephews, their boyfriends/girlfriends, my son, and even a cousin showed up. My nephew, James, didn't make it because he was working and my brother-in-law, Will, was working, too. Only he was working in Iraq so that we could enjoy that little 4th of July celebration. We grilled and swam and of course, drank, and all had a really good time. It seems like even on holidays it's hard to get them all together at the same time like that, so I really enjoyed seeing everyone. I love my family so much that even I, a born describer, can't put it into words. It just made for a really good week, ya know?
I had a short work week because of the 4th, so that made for an even better week, but Friday's paycheck is gonna suck. Oh well. After I paid bills and all this past week, I had $100 to get through week. Well, I gave that to Traci to help her out a little bit, but I had no clue what I was going to do about gas, food, etc. for myself. Friday night, my buddy called and asked me to help his girlfriend move and she gave me $100 for that, so it took care of itself. That was pretty cool. I sat home all weekend, which is what I SHOULD be doing every weekend, instead of spending money, but then yesterday I got a call about the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert that I just knew I wasn't gonna make it to. Somebody was thinking about me and got me three tickets, so I took my niece and her fiancee to that, and it was a BLAST, like always. I guess I've seen them about four or five times and it never gets old. Skynyrd loves playing Dallas just as much as we love to see them play, and that makes for a really good set. They always say, "Watch the South rise again, Dallas!" And then they play Sweet Home Alabama. I guess I don't exactly get that, but I always like to hear someone say that the south will rise again, even though it won't and I wouldn't like it if it did. I'm a little confused as to why that's such a popular saying down here. Texas was barely scathed by the Civil War, so I don't think we fell in the first place, but whatever.
So like I said, nothing big, nothing important, but a few little things have worked out quite well for me lately, and even that's a relief from the day to day crumblings I usually experience. I've been seeing my sons pretty regularly, though not nearly enough, and I've been standing my ground when it comes to Traci. Usually, I let her say and do what she wants, just to keep her happy, but I'm getting better at not letting her walk all over me. I'm still not good at it, but better. It's really hard to be strong and firm with a person who you just want to wrap your arms around and hold forever. Try as I might, I can't stop loving her, I can't help but care about her and want for her to be happy. She knows she can treat me however she wants and I'll still give her everything I can. My friends say that's wrong and that I shouldn't let her do that to me, but I think everyone should have a person in their life who they KNOW they can depend on, who will never leave them alone, who will die for them at any given moment. Everyone needs a rock, and I've made it my duty to be hers, whether she likes it or not and whether I like it or not. After all, she's given me three beautiful sons, she's been a good mother to them, and now and then she's given me her heart, too. One day of being in love with that girl and her being in love with me is worth a thousand years of heartache and pain, which seems to be my fate. Every day she reminds me of just how little I mean to her, but I have my memories of good times, and they were better than good. I've said this before, but when I'm with her, I really do feel like life is perfect, every detail of it.
I long to feel that again, even for just a little while, and I know with every fiber of my being that no other person could ever make feel that way, but she's gone from me, probably for good. I've recently realized that everything which doesn't kill us DOES NOT necessarily make us stronger. Sometimes it makes us weaker, and I believe this to be the case with my faith in everlasting love and relationships, much to my surprise and dismay. I don't believe I'll ever find love again, not in its purest form, not like the love I have/had for Traci. I put the have/had in there because I just don't know anymore if I still love her like that or not. I'm lost in a maze of my own emotions and it's gonna be quite a while before I can find my out. They don't make a compass for things like that. Honestly, the only thing I know for sure is that I think about her every waking minute, I dream about her almost every night, and yet most of the time I want to kill her. C'est l'amour, oui?
On a duller note, it's recently come to my attention that I'm an old, old man. I arm-wrestled my cousin and dad a couple times last weekend and my arm has been throbbing ever since, and I mean THROBBING, way deep down in there somewhere. I can't explain it, but man it hurts. Then, Thursday, I got out of the shower and when I reached for my towel, something cracked in my neck and I've barely been able to move since then. The muscles between my shoulder blades are so swollen that I look like a hunchback and my friends are starting to abandon me 'cause I can't be straight up with them. Last night I was kicking a hackey sack in the parking lot at Lynyrd Skynyrd, and I tried to do some easy back kick I've done a million times and landed flat on my face. Somehow, it wasn't a bad fall, but I bet it looked painful. The point is, things like these never used to phase me, not one bit, and now it takes a week or more just to heal up enough that I'm not in agony. So far, that's the only thing that really sucks about getting older. I guess they just don't make people like they used to.
I know I've been mistaken but just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face?
I hope you're not intending to be so condescending
It's as much as I can take
And you're so independent
You just refuse to bend so I keep bending til I break
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Why can't you just forgive me?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting
No, you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the wrods to say to keep me right here waiting
If I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting?
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting?
I had a short work week because of the 4th, so that made for an even better week, but Friday's paycheck is gonna suck. Oh well. After I paid bills and all this past week, I had $100 to get through week. Well, I gave that to Traci to help her out a little bit, but I had no clue what I was going to do about gas, food, etc. for myself. Friday night, my buddy called and asked me to help his girlfriend move and she gave me $100 for that, so it took care of itself. That was pretty cool. I sat home all weekend, which is what I SHOULD be doing every weekend, instead of spending money, but then yesterday I got a call about the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert that I just knew I wasn't gonna make it to. Somebody was thinking about me and got me three tickets, so I took my niece and her fiancee to that, and it was a BLAST, like always. I guess I've seen them about four or five times and it never gets old. Skynyrd loves playing Dallas just as much as we love to see them play, and that makes for a really good set. They always say, "Watch the South rise again, Dallas!" And then they play Sweet Home Alabama. I guess I don't exactly get that, but I always like to hear someone say that the south will rise again, even though it won't and I wouldn't like it if it did. I'm a little confused as to why that's such a popular saying down here. Texas was barely scathed by the Civil War, so I don't think we fell in the first place, but whatever.
So like I said, nothing big, nothing important, but a few little things have worked out quite well for me lately, and even that's a relief from the day to day crumblings I usually experience. I've been seeing my sons pretty regularly, though not nearly enough, and I've been standing my ground when it comes to Traci. Usually, I let her say and do what she wants, just to keep her happy, but I'm getting better at not letting her walk all over me. I'm still not good at it, but better. It's really hard to be strong and firm with a person who you just want to wrap your arms around and hold forever. Try as I might, I can't stop loving her, I can't help but care about her and want for her to be happy. She knows she can treat me however she wants and I'll still give her everything I can. My friends say that's wrong and that I shouldn't let her do that to me, but I think everyone should have a person in their life who they KNOW they can depend on, who will never leave them alone, who will die for them at any given moment. Everyone needs a rock, and I've made it my duty to be hers, whether she likes it or not and whether I like it or not. After all, she's given me three beautiful sons, she's been a good mother to them, and now and then she's given me her heart, too. One day of being in love with that girl and her being in love with me is worth a thousand years of heartache and pain, which seems to be my fate. Every day she reminds me of just how little I mean to her, but I have my memories of good times, and they were better than good. I've said this before, but when I'm with her, I really do feel like life is perfect, every detail of it.
I long to feel that again, even for just a little while, and I know with every fiber of my being that no other person could ever make feel that way, but she's gone from me, probably for good. I've recently realized that everything which doesn't kill us DOES NOT necessarily make us stronger. Sometimes it makes us weaker, and I believe this to be the case with my faith in everlasting love and relationships, much to my surprise and dismay. I don't believe I'll ever find love again, not in its purest form, not like the love I have/had for Traci. I put the have/had in there because I just don't know anymore if I still love her like that or not. I'm lost in a maze of my own emotions and it's gonna be quite a while before I can find my out. They don't make a compass for things like that. Honestly, the only thing I know for sure is that I think about her every waking minute, I dream about her almost every night, and yet most of the time I want to kill her. C'est l'amour, oui?
On a duller note, it's recently come to my attention that I'm an old, old man. I arm-wrestled my cousin and dad a couple times last weekend and my arm has been throbbing ever since, and I mean THROBBING, way deep down in there somewhere. I can't explain it, but man it hurts. Then, Thursday, I got out of the shower and when I reached for my towel, something cracked in my neck and I've barely been able to move since then. The muscles between my shoulder blades are so swollen that I look like a hunchback and my friends are starting to abandon me 'cause I can't be straight up with them. Last night I was kicking a hackey sack in the parking lot at Lynyrd Skynyrd, and I tried to do some easy back kick I've done a million times and landed flat on my face. Somehow, it wasn't a bad fall, but I bet it looked painful. The point is, things like these never used to phase me, not one bit, and now it takes a week or more just to heal up enough that I'm not in agony. So far, that's the only thing that really sucks about getting older. I guess they just don't make people like they used to.
I know I've been mistaken but just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face?
I hope you're not intending to be so condescending
It's as much as I can take
And you're so independent
You just refuse to bend so I keep bending til I break
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Why can't you just forgive me?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting
No, you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the wrods to say to keep me right here waiting
If I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting?
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting?