Realizations, and stuff
I have always tried to keep the philosophy that I should develop my own impressions of people before judging thier character or personality. Meaning that if someone tells me "that Jack guy, he's no good" or "you know Jack, he's so cool!" that I will nod and listen politely, but try not to have any pre-disposition upon actually meeting that person. I will try to take them at face value, and choose to trust/respect/interract with them according to that.
I have recently found that I have been lacking in treating myself in that manner. I have been what other people expect, what they see, what they want. It has been a very astonishing discovery, and kind of like discovering that where I thought was a path was actually a ledge. I have discovered that I am a product of my parents, and family. Of course, this isn't really a surprise, and I have always taken it for granted, but recently I have actually given thought to it, and I find that a substantial part of how I behave is.... quite possibly..... only what others have trained me to be, but to an unfair and unhealthy extent. For example:
My father is building a golf course out of our family farm. He is doing this for a couple of reasons, a: so that he has something to do to feel productive, and b: as a legacy for his children. Now, he has said that if nothing happens, nothing happens. But, personally, I feel that if my father works on a project for six or so years to pass on to his kids, and then nothing happens, is disrespectful my father, who does deserve respect. So, who will return? I have realized that the obligations are there, even if it is just a faint hint in the back of my head, or the answer to the question, "where are you going to end up in a few years?" and I answer "well, probably back in Cortez." Do I want to end up in Cortez, actually, I'm rather ambivalent to it, but I don't want to feel forced to end up there, and I do feel that inclination.
Or whenever my mother mentions "well, you do have to come home to take care of me." or "when you take care of me in my old age." whether she is kidding or not, it is a suggestion. I am not accusing my parents of subtley brainwashing me into taking care of the farm and them when I get older. I am just saying that how I take and listen to these things have influenced me more than I thought.
The most shocking is when it comes to my oldest, deceased brother Tony. It comes down to things that I haven't thought about till recently, like: why do I wear so much Tie-Dye, and some phrasing and emotional issues I have. It sounds silly, but it was just a beginning. I wear tie-dye, fairly frequently, and I am the only person I know that has tie-dye pants and silk shirt. My brother before he died used to wear such clothing all the time. I used to think that I wore that clothing out of remembrance of my brother, since many of the shirts I wore were his before me. Eventually that has become part of my "clothing style" but it does not mesh with my personality. It doesn't look good on me either. Where this has a point though, is what tie-dye means to my family. It also reminds my family of my brother, whom I really knew very little.
Yes, I knew him very little, but I wear tie-dye to remember him?
Kinda odd... and considering that I resemble him more than either of my other two brothers, it becomes downright eerie. Could this mean that my family would transfer some of thier ideas, feelings, and whatever else for my brother onto me? could that mean that I was accepting them, as a replacement for him? How much of me is expected, and how much is "me?"
I have been listening to other peoples impressions of me, of thier expectations, of my expectations mirrored, and I find that if I strip those away, I am faced with someone who is a hodge-podge of myth and truth, myself. So, what am I to do about this identity crisis? How does all this interract with my feelings towards a brother I hardly knew, but somewhat resemble?
The answer, as well as the question comes from me. I have to decide for myself what I am going to be. you always have the chance, or opportunity to re-invent yourself. Some people may say that I have changed, that I am "fronting" that I am not the same person. I have to change, I have to adapt, I have to discover and invent Who I am. It comes from the gut. From the elemental of looking at a shirt, trying it on and asking "is this who I want to be" or "do I like how I look in this" and deciding to keep that or leave it, to the decisions I make "is this what I want to make happen." and then follow through. If I make a mistake, then I learn something.
While this all was come about somewhat rationally, the solution is instinctual. What do I like to do? then do that. What do I want to be? then be that. What do I want to make happen? then proceed.
I have recently found that I have been lacking in treating myself in that manner. I have been what other people expect, what they see, what they want. It has been a very astonishing discovery, and kind of like discovering that where I thought was a path was actually a ledge. I have discovered that I am a product of my parents, and family. Of course, this isn't really a surprise, and I have always taken it for granted, but recently I have actually given thought to it, and I find that a substantial part of how I behave is.... quite possibly..... only what others have trained me to be, but to an unfair and unhealthy extent. For example:
My father is building a golf course out of our family farm. He is doing this for a couple of reasons, a: so that he has something to do to feel productive, and b: as a legacy for his children. Now, he has said that if nothing happens, nothing happens. But, personally, I feel that if my father works on a project for six or so years to pass on to his kids, and then nothing happens, is disrespectful my father, who does deserve respect. So, who will return? I have realized that the obligations are there, even if it is just a faint hint in the back of my head, or the answer to the question, "where are you going to end up in a few years?" and I answer "well, probably back in Cortez." Do I want to end up in Cortez, actually, I'm rather ambivalent to it, but I don't want to feel forced to end up there, and I do feel that inclination.
Or whenever my mother mentions "well, you do have to come home to take care of me." or "when you take care of me in my old age." whether she is kidding or not, it is a suggestion. I am not accusing my parents of subtley brainwashing me into taking care of the farm and them when I get older. I am just saying that how I take and listen to these things have influenced me more than I thought.
The most shocking is when it comes to my oldest, deceased brother Tony. It comes down to things that I haven't thought about till recently, like: why do I wear so much Tie-Dye, and some phrasing and emotional issues I have. It sounds silly, but it was just a beginning. I wear tie-dye, fairly frequently, and I am the only person I know that has tie-dye pants and silk shirt. My brother before he died used to wear such clothing all the time. I used to think that I wore that clothing out of remembrance of my brother, since many of the shirts I wore were his before me. Eventually that has become part of my "clothing style" but it does not mesh with my personality. It doesn't look good on me either. Where this has a point though, is what tie-dye means to my family. It also reminds my family of my brother, whom I really knew very little.
Yes, I knew him very little, but I wear tie-dye to remember him?
Kinda odd... and considering that I resemble him more than either of my other two brothers, it becomes downright eerie. Could this mean that my family would transfer some of thier ideas, feelings, and whatever else for my brother onto me? could that mean that I was accepting them, as a replacement for him? How much of me is expected, and how much is "me?"
I have been listening to other peoples impressions of me, of thier expectations, of my expectations mirrored, and I find that if I strip those away, I am faced with someone who is a hodge-podge of myth and truth, myself. So, what am I to do about this identity crisis? How does all this interract with my feelings towards a brother I hardly knew, but somewhat resemble?
The answer, as well as the question comes from me. I have to decide for myself what I am going to be. you always have the chance, or opportunity to re-invent yourself. Some people may say that I have changed, that I am "fronting" that I am not the same person. I have to change, I have to adapt, I have to discover and invent Who I am. It comes from the gut. From the elemental of looking at a shirt, trying it on and asking "is this who I want to be" or "do I like how I look in this" and deciding to keep that or leave it, to the decisions I make "is this what I want to make happen." and then follow through. If I make a mistake, then I learn something.
While this all was come about somewhat rationally, the solution is instinctual. What do I like to do? then do that. What do I want to be? then be that. What do I want to make happen? then proceed.