A little bit lost, a little bit loved (Best Friends 'Verse - 6)
A little bit lost, a little bit loved (Part 1/2)
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 7k
Pairings: Dean/Lisa, Cas/Original Character
Warnings: slight underage warning as there is a scene where a character (aged 15) masturbates, which is why this instalment is also rated NC-17 (all other scenes are PG-13). I've surrounded this particular scene with page breaks if you would like to skip it!
Summary: At fifteen years old, Dean and his friends go on a camping trip. What follows are arguments, make-ups, break-ups, and a little bit of self-discovery. AU, part of the Best Friends 'Verse, blind!Cas.
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It happens very gradually. The first seed of awareness blossoms in the spring.
He wonders, sometimes, what his mom would have thought of Dean. Whether she would have seen what an intelligent, charming person he is, and whether she’d find him funny.
He wonders if she was beautiful. Whether, if he were to trace his fingers across her face, there would be a smile there. He likes to think there would be.
Castiel wonders how she’d feel about this. What her reaction would be if Cas told her how he’s started to feel about his best friend. Or perhaps he’d keep it a secret, like he is now, locked away, warm and growing in the centre of his chest. He’s never been in a situation like this before, but he knows how it sometimes goes. He’s not going to risk putting their friendship on the line, and so he’s going to settle with the wonderful thing they already have and leave it be.
Still, sometimes it is difficult. Like Dean’s fifteenth birthday, for instance, where they fall asleep curled up in front of the television, and Cas wakes with his head embarrassingly close to Dean’s lap. It’s difficult when their skin casually brushes together - so much more rarer now that they’re older. Gone are the days of Dean unselfconsciously slipping his finger’s through Cas‘ in a busy street to keep him close. If they do touch it will be a brush of skin by accident, or in the middle of the night, where Dean feels less vulnerable in the darkness. Cas doesn’t mind, a great deal. It makes it easier to stop himself getting so close, at least.
It’s good, for a while. It’s safe. Until the day comes that Dean gets his first girlfriend.
***
Dean sits opposite his father at the kitchen table, two mugs of coffee between them. John is assessing him, hands clasped together.
Carefully, Dean says, “Two nights?”
“One,” John responds, without missing a beat. “That’s the final offer.”
“Fine, fine.”
Dean mentally fist-pumps.
“There are conditions.”
“Shoot.”
“You tell us exactly where you’re going. You keep your cell on at all times. You give us the numbers of all your friends who are going so we can talk to their parents, and, finally, you look after your brother.”
Dean sits up straight. “What? No. Sam’s not coming!”
“Those are the conditions.”
Dean bites his tongue. It’s taken them a long time to even agree to the idea of a camping trip, and to prove he’s responsible. He doesn’t want to ruin it, not now.
“Fine,” he says. “Sammy can come. He’s not sharing a tent with me, though.”
John smiles, just slightly. “You can sort that out amongst yourselves. You watch out for him though, understood?”
“‘Course, I will.”
“Good.”
That evening Dean calls Cas to tell him the good news, followed by Jo, Chuck, and Lisa. They set the date for Saturday, which gives them the rest of the week to prepare. They've been talking about a camping trip for a long while, a place to sit and talk and ignore school and responsibility for an evening or two. And now they're finally going through with it.
***
Dean is an idiot sometimes. Sam realizes that, despite being four years younger, sometimes he’s the more mature of the two of them. He’s not being arrogant or anything, he just can’t believe how dense Dean is being.
He had been sitting in the living room two days prior when Dean had come in with his friend, Lisa, beside him, and they had been holding hands and told Sam they were dating. Lisa had looked all happy and Dean looked half bewildered and half happy himself. She had stayed for dinner and they only stopped holding hands when it was time for Lisa to leave.
“Dean,” Sam had said with a sigh, again feeling like the older brother talking to his kid brother who doesn’t have a clue. It often feels like that. “Could you be any more stupid?”
More often than not, bluntness is the only way forward when talking to Dean.
Dean had turned to him and given him an expression of sincere confusion. “What are you talking about? Don’t you like her?”
Sam had let out another frustrated sigh and turned around and retreated back into his room because if Dean could be that dense.
And now they’ve just arrived in the middle of nowhere, and it’s him and Dean, Cas, Lisa, Jo, and Chuck all trying to set up tents for a short camping trip. Sam wasn’t there when Dean told Cas about Lisa, but he’s not an idiot, and even though Cas is hiding it, Sam can tell he’s upset. The guy acts like Dean’s the most important person in the world, and he can kind of understand how going from holding Cas’ hand all the time, even if it was supposedly in a helpful way, to holding Lisa’s all the time has got to be a kick in the teeth. And unexpected to say the least.
It seems Sam’s not the only one who’s noticed, because Jo’s been sticking by Cas more and occasionally glaring at Dean, but, as per usual, Dean hasn’t really noticed and is currently too busy trying to get the camping stove set up to pay any attention.
“Hey, dude,” he says, turning to wave Sam over. "Come over and help me with this.”
Sam drops his duffel bag and walks on over. From the other side of the small circle they’ve dumped their bags in, he sees Chuck struggle with the tent polls for the second tent and then trip over the guide-ropes for the first. Jo sighs and walks over to help, leaving Cas standing awkwardly with his bag at his feet and Lisa setting up the sleeping bags in the first tent, which, apparently, is going to be hers and Dean’s.
Sam realizes he’s going to be the one sharing a tent with Cas, and he loves the guy, but he feels a bit sorry knowing that Cas is going to be spending the night with the wrong Winchester.
“Dean, stop being stupid,” Sam says, turning back to the camping stove, and swats Dean’s hands away so he can finish setting it up. Dean shrugs and stands up. He walks over to Cas and gently puts a hand on his shoulder. Sam tries to make it look like he’s not watching, and this is what he doesn’t understand. Now dating Lisa, Dean still treats Cas like he’s the only person in the world for him. He treats him like his dad treats his mom and vice versa. Sam shakes his head and turns away. This is so not his problem.
They finally get the tents set up, and they all throw their bags into their respective tents for the night, Jo good-naturedly groaning when she finds out she’s sharing with Chuck.
“You snore,” she accuses.
Chuck frowns at her and crosses his arms over his chest. “I don’t snore. Dean snores.”
“Hey,” Dean says, around a mouthful of potato chips. “That’s not true.”
“Don’t lie,” Sam says, pulling out a box of sandwiches from his bag. Dean watches what he’s doing and rolls his eyes at him.
“Shut up, Sammy. Your opinion doesn’t count.”
“It’s not opinion, Dean. You actually snore!”
“Sam’s right,” Cas offers, opening a can of soda. It fizzes and spills a little from the top. “You do snore.”
Dean huffs and drops the bag of potato chips onto the floor and rubs his hands over his jeans. Lisa raises her eyebrows but remains silent. “You’re supposed to be on my side, Cas.”
Cas takes a sip of his drink and doesn't say anything, and Dean hits him lightly on the shoulder.
They finally get the stove working and cook some spaghetti, pouring it into plastic bowls and tin cups. Dean manages to get a semi-decent fire burning and they sit on the ground together, leaning back against their bags.
“Writing is hard,” Chuck says enthusiastically, in the middle of a conversation that's turning somewhat into a debate. “English is definitely the hardest subject. There aren't given answers like math. It's not as simple as that.”
“I don’t think it’s the hardest,” Sam says, taking a sip of his coke. “I like English.”
“That’s ‘cause you’re a nerd, Sammy,” Dean says, smiling fondly. Sam rolls his eyes.
“Just wait a few years, kiddo,” Jo says. “It’ll get harder.”
She leans forward to ruffle his hair in that annoying way that aunties and grandparents do, and Sam scrunches his face up at her, pulling back.
“Cas, you awake in there?” Dean asks. He leans forward to peer through the sunglasses Cas is wearing. “It’s not sunny, you know.”
Cas, with surprising accuracy, hits Dean on the back of the head. Everyone starts laughing apart from Dean who’s looking at him incredulously, full-on pouting.
“Jesus, Cas.”
“You so deserved that, Dean,” Sam says, and even Lisa is smiling and laughing softly along with them. She's been unusually quiet, stuck by Dean's side the entire night.
“I’m sorry, Dean. Did I hurt you?” Cas asks. He’s smirking now, and Sam is glad that Cas is someone who doesn’t always just put up with Dean’s shit like a lot of people do and can actually put him in his place once in a little while. And can hit him with awesome accuracy without being able to see him, which is very cool.
“How did you do that?” Chuck asks, squinting at Cas like he’s seeing him for the first time. “Do you have a sixth sense or something?”
“No, that was my seventh.”
There’s a moment of silence before everyone starts laughing again and Dean puts his arm around his shoulders. “What happened to that shy little kid who didn’t know what jokes were, huh? I miss him.”
“You grew up together?” Lisa asks, looking at Dean with interest. Dean smiles and looks fondly back at Cas.
“Yeah, we’ve been friends since we were like, five. Cas was awesome back then.”
“Was?” Jo asks, her eyebrows raised. “You looking to get hit again?”
“No, dude - no. Cas is still awesome. But I knew that you were awesome even when we were five.”
“That’s nice of you, Dean,” Cas says. He says it with sincerity and Dean grins at him. Lisa is staring at Dean with an odd expression on her face and it’s almost embarrassing to see, because that could be jealously. Sam turns his eyes away, looks over at Jo instead who’s watching with interest.
“So,” Chuck says, a little abruptly. He stands up and walks over to the food stash. “Who’s up for roasting marshmallows?”
Sam lets out a long breath and chimes in with everyone else to agree.
***
It’s past midnight when they retreat to their tents. Sam is sharing the 3-man pop-up tent with Cas, so it’s not so bad. There’s enough room for both of them, easy, and he likes Cas so he’s fine with the arrangement.
But Sam just can’t not say anything, because Cas really is a friend, and he’s pretty sure Dean is being a bit insensitive towards him. So, as per usual, it’s up to him to sort Dean’s shit out.
“Cas?” he says, voice quiet. He turns over in his sleeping back and leans on one arm to look at him.
“Yes, Sam?”
“Are you okay?” he asks softly. He can hear the murmur of talk from the other two tents but it’s quiet. He can’t distinguish any words from the hum of crickets in the warm night, and the rustle of Cas' sleeping bag as he rolls to face him.
“Of course,” he says.
“I mean, with you and Dean. Dean and Lisa.”
There’s a pause that seems to stretch on and on until Cas says, “Oh.”
Sam raises his eyebrows at that but doesn’t say anything, just waits until Cas is ready to speak again.
Softly, he says, “I didn’t think I was quite that obvious.”
“Dude, I’ve been thinking you two have been dating since I was born. Seriously, man, this has come as a shock to me as much as I’m sure it has to you.”
“Lisa’s nice,” Cas says as a way of reply, but although the words are soft they sound strained, as if Cas is having a hard time getting them out. Sam feels like hitting both of them now, because they can’t seriously be this oblivious.
“Yeah, yeah. She’s nice, doesn’t mean anything. You’re the one he spends all his time around.”
“Dean is just being...”
“Cas, don’t you dare say the word nice or polite because Dean doesn’t exactly hang out with people out of pity or even kindness. Dean spends all his time with you because he likes you.”
“Not in that way, Sam.”
Sam shakes his head in the darkness. “I don’t think that’s true. I just don’t think he’s realized it yet. I think he’s more blind than you are, you know.”
There's a pause and then Cas huffs a laugh. “Thanks, Sam.”
“Don’t mention it.”
They fall back into silence, and this time it feels less strained, somehow. Sam hopes tomorrow Cas and Dean will be able to finally talk and sort things out.
***
Dean isn’t really sure how this happened. Lisa is lying beside him, her hand in his, and she’s staring at him expectantly, and Dean isn’t really sure what she wants. Well, he has an idea. Like, kissing, right? Except Dean’s not really sure he wants to kiss her, and he’s sort of bummed out he’s not sharing a tent with Cas, because that’s what feels normal. This definitely doesn’t feel normal.
Lisa had come up to him at school last week and straight out said, “I like you, Dean. Go out with me?”
And Dean liked that about her, liked the fact she didn’t spend ages giving hints and waiting for Dean to ask, because he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t have. So he had said yes, just on principal of the thing, and at first it turned out to be not so bad. The holding hands is kind of nice, and Lisa’s a cool chick, but he can’t help but think he’s doing everything wrong. She gets this look in his eyes like she’s waiting for something, and Dean isn’t intentionally trying to be a dick, but he’s not really sure what she’s waiting for exactly.
It seems Lisa has had enough of waiting though, because before Dean has had a chance to even process what’s happening, Lisa is pressing her lips against his, and Dean’s eyes are closing and he’s kissing back. It’s nice. Soft, warm, and Lisa’s hand comes up to rest on Dean’s chest. Dean brings his hand up against the back of Lisa’s head, and is momentarily surprised at how long her hair is, and he isn’t quite sure why.
They break apart and Lisa smiles at him. She kisses him once more before saying, “Night, Dean,” and lies down beside him. Dean waits a minute and then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, the saliva sticky on his lips. So, that’s kissing.
He relaxes into his sleeping bag, and Lisa slides her fingers through his again. Dean listens to the murmur of his friends talking from their tents and lets it lull him to sleep.
***
The next morning Jo is up first to start making breakfast and Sam gets up to help her, carefully stepping over Cas to not wake him. They get the camping stove going in an amiable silence and Sam relaxes into it, enjoying the fresh morning air and the chirping birds.
“Sleep well, Sam?” Jo asks, getting a couple of slices of bread out of her bag to toast.
“Yeah, wasn’t too bad actually,” Sam says, voice low to not wake the others. He wonders whether he should mention the thing about Cas to her, about how he essentially came out to him last night about Dean, and Sam is pretty sure he must be the only one who knows.
But the decision is taken out of his hands, when Jo says, in a quiet voice, “How’s Cas doing? Is he handling Dean's thing with Lisa okay?”
Surprised, he says, “He’s okay, I think. I don’t think he’s really happy about it, though. He doesn’t think Dean likes him in that way or something.”
It doesn’t feel like a betrayal of trust, not really. Sam knows Jo loves Cas as a brother and wouldn’t hurt him or do anything rash to disrupt the situation, and, somehow, she had already known.
“They’re both idiots,” Jo says. “I mean, Lisa’s nice, but I don’t think she’s exactly what your brother wants.”
“About that,” Sam says, and puts the plates he was holding on the floor. Jo stares at him expectantly and waits for him to continue. “Does this mean that Dean’s... gay?”
“Gay, bi, something like that, I guess. The only person who would know is Dean, right?”
Sam looks towards the quiet tent that him and Lisa are sharing. “Or not,” he says.
“Or not,” Jo agrees. "It might take him a little bit of time."
***
The morning passes in a blur of burnt toast, trying to dismantle tents and laughing together in the early morning sunshine.
“I want a photo!” Jo says. “Everyone get together.”
Dean heads towards Cas and pulls him close, swinging an arm around his shoulder. Lisa sidles up close beside him, and the rest of them crowd around the three of them, Jo running back from the camera that's balanced on a rock. It's on a self-timer, and she only just manages to get into the photo and smile before it's taking a shot.
After the shutter clicks they fall apart, Jo confirming with a thumbs up that it was a successful photo. They continue packing up at a comfortable pace while they wait for their lifts to arrive.
"Here, let me help you with that," Dean says, kneeling down next to Cas. He pulls the cooking pots out that were haphazardly shoved in, and rearranges them so they can fit, before holding it down while Cas pulls the cord and zips it up. Cas' hair is in disarray, sticking up at all angles, and Dean smiles to himself.
"Thanks," Cas says.
"It's cool," Dean says, giving Cas' shoulder a quick squeeze.
They're interrupted by the shrill ring of Dean's cellphone, and Dean answers it to his mom telling him she's here. Dean, Sam, Lisa and Cas get into her car, and leave as Ellen turns up to take Jo and Chuck.
The ride back is relaxed, soft music playing in the background, and when they get back they all collapse on the living room floor, Mary bringing them peanut butter cookies. They take them gratefully and wait for Lisa's dad to come and pick her up.
Dean hands Cas a cookie and Cas takes it, smiling as it crumbles around his mouth. "Your mom's cookies are the best."
"Thank you, Cas," Mary says, walking into the room.
A car horn honks outside, and Lisa stands up, picking up her bag. "That's my dad. Thanks, Mrs Winchester. See you."
Dean stands up to show her out, and they share a quick kiss at the door. Lisa throws a wide smile at him, and then Dean shuts the door behind her. He walks back into the living room and sits down between Sam and Cas, and they watch television together in easy companionship.
***
A few days after the camping trip, Dean's in his bedroom with Cas. They’re listening to music together on his laptop when there's a knock on his door.
"Yeah?"
Dean’s dad comes into the room holding the phone. “It’s for you,” he says, handing it over. “A girl called Lisa.”
Dean takes it and looks over at Cas, ready to whisper an apology, but Cas is lying back on the bed with his eyes closed, having already muted the laptop. He just puts the phone to his ear. “Hello?”
“Dean, hey!” she says, her voice bright and bubbly. “Are you up to much?”
He glances back to Cas and then shrugs. “Not a lot. Nothing important. Just hanging out with Cas. Why?”
“Oh -- well. I was going to invite you around, but if you’re busy...”
She pauses as if waiting for Dean to say something, but he’s not sure what she wants to hear so he stays silent.
After a moment, she says, “Anyway. That’s okay. How about we go see a movie or something Friday night?”
“Sure, sounds good,” Dean says, sitting down next to Cas. He pulls the laptop from where it was balancing on Cas' stomach. Cas doesn’t say anything, just puts his hands behind his head and stays lying down.
“Great. My dad can gives us a lift if you come around at about seven?”
“Yeah, I can do that,” Dean says, distracted, as he types into the YouTube search bar. “See you then.”
“I’ll see you then, Dean. Bye!”
“Bye,” Dean says, ending the call and chucking the phone onto the bed. He puts his hand over Cas’ leg and shakes him a little. “Dude, you asleep?”
“No, I’m awake,” he says, opening his eyes and moving to a sitting position.
“Good, ‘cause you gotta check this song out. I know you like the moody, weird shit, like Moogie--”
“Mogwai.”
“Yeah, whatever, but check out this Zeppelin song.”
“I think I have to go, actually,” Cas says, sliding off the bed. Dean snaps his head up and frowns at him.
“What? No. You’ve only been here an hour. Stay and chill out, man.”
Cas smiles at him, but it’s brief and strained. “I’ve got to go.”
Dean puts the laptop down and stands in front of him. He rests a hand on his arm to let him know he’s there. “Hey, you okay, Cas? You seem a little... off.”
“Just tired,” he says, and reaches his hand out to Dean’s bedside table to get his sunglasses. He knocks Dean’s iPod to the floor and frowns, running a hand through his hair, frustrated. Dean watches him, can tell he’s agitated about something, but isn’t sure what. “Sorry.”
“No worries,” Dean says, picking up the sunglasses and handing them to him. “Here. Sorry, I’ve got a lot of shit on there.”
“Thanks,” Cas says, and puts them on. He walks over to the door and picks up his cane that’s balancing against the dresser. “I’ll see you another time.”
“Yeah, you bet,” Dean says, watching him leave, still feeling very, very confused and a little anxious. He stays in that position, thinking it over until he hears the front door close.
***
Friday night rolls around quickly, most of the week spent studying, with only a couple of evenings spent with Cas. Dean is choosing a shirt to wear for his date with Lisa when Sam barges into his room.
“Jesus, Sammy! Knock before entering.”
Sam rolls his eyes and sits down on Dean’s bed. “Cas is downstairs,” he says, picking up one of Dean’s t-shirts to look at it. He scrunches his face up, and then drops it back onto the bed. “Someone forgot to tell him you’re on a date tonight.”
“Oh.” Dean says, running a hand through his hair. “Oh. Shit.”
“Yeah,” Sam says, frowning at him.
“Okay, can you go tell him--”
“No way, Dean. You can tell him.” Sam stands up and walks out the room, leaving the door wide open. Dean glares at his retreating back.
“Wimp,” Dean mutters. He stares at the shirts for a long moment before deciding he can just go in what he’s wearing, and chucks the shirts into a heap at the bottom of his closet. There are footsteps at his door, and he turns to see Cas walking in, cane in one hand and his bag slung over his shoulder.
“Hey, man,” Dean says, feeling guilt stir in his gut.
“Hey,” Cas says brightly. He walks over to sit on the bed. “I brought a new film with me. Gabriel is lending it to me. It’s got audio description, but I’ve never seen it--”
“Cas,” Dean interrupts, walking over to him. “Look, I’m really sorry, but we can’t do this tonight.”
Cas frowns and slips his sunglasses into his pocket. “What? Why?”
Dean tries to tear his eyes away from Cas’ hurt look. For some reason he doesn’t want to tell Cas the truth, but he charges onwards anyway. “I’ve got a date. With Lisa.”
Cas' expression changes into a mask of blankness and it’s so quick and immediate that Dean feels a little unnerved by it.
He slowly stands up off the bed and takes his sunglasses back out. “Yes, of course. I’ll see you next week, then. Enjoy your date with Lisa.”
"Cas, wait--"
Cas pauses at the door and Dean struggles for something to say.
"Are you okay?" he finally asks.
"I'm fine. Goodbye, Dean."
Dean watches as Cas slowly descends the stairs and Dean runs a frustrated hand through his hair, sure he's fucked up somehow and not entirely sure how to fix it.
***
Dean's surprised to find how much he enjoys his date with Lisa. She's relaxed and entertaining, and likes the same sort of movies as him. They find mutual ground on music, and at no point does he feel stressed out or anxious. They get hot dogs together and eat them with a bucket of popcorn between them, and each with a cup of coke. They both enjoy the slightly crappy horror movie, and have fun tearing it apart afterwards.
Sometimes, Lisa holds his hand, and although it feels awkward when their hands get hot and sweaty, or when Dean wants two hands to eat, it's okay. It's nice, even.
After their date - which felt more like two friends going out than anything, it was that easy - Lisa says they should do that again some time, and Dean wholeheartedly agrees.
They kiss, easy and sweet, on Lisa's front porch and Dean walks the rest of the way home feeling pretty content with it all.
He wishes it weren't so late, so he could go around to Cas' and talk to him. He misses him. They've both been busy recently, and Cas has been studying a lot. It sucks, sometimes, to not be able to text Cas, or get in contact with him without waking up the rest of his house. He promises himself that next week they're going to spend some more time together, and he'll take the opportunity to tell Cas he's sorry he's been an ass, and make up for ditching on him.
Part 2