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"When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."
"Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas."
"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."
"Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy."
"Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live."
"If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face."
"Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky"."
"Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real."
"If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death."
"Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried."
"Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs."
"The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain."
"Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you."
"Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris."
"If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death."
"Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb."
"There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris."
"Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property."
"There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live."
"In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten."
"Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people"
"In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself."
"Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis."
"Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding."
"When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket."
"Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill."
"When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead."
"Chuck Norris can divide by zero."
"When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt."
"Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night."
"Forget Wikipedia, if Chuck Norris wants you know something, he will tell you."
"Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice."
"Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing."
"Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them."
"There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist."
"The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably."
"When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever."
"A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there."
"Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia."
"Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, 'That's no glitch.' "
"Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, 'Bang!'"
"Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made."
"Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship."
"Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face."
"Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds."
"Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris."
"Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer."
"Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants."
"Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month."
"Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris"
"If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris."
"If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down."
"Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement."
"Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there."
"Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him."
"A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris."
"As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history."
"They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody."
"Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did."
"Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them."
"Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off. Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants off."
"At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris"
"Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one."
"Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone."
"When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper."
"According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday."
"Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO."
"The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist."
"Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, 'Now.'"
"Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own."
"When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side."
"Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time"."
"Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress."
"The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears."
"Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses."
"Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men."
"Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it."
"Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush."
"Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die."
"Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away."
"Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier."
"Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian."
"A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex."
"Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya"."
"Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar."
"It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart."
"A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago."
"Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this 'a slow Tuesday.'"
"Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies"."
"The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE."
"Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet."
"Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident."
"Chuck Norris can hear silence."
"Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat.""
"After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane"."
"Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork."
"Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved."
"Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow"
"Bullets dodge Chuck Norris."
"Chuck Norris owns a large private estate in the middle of the Atlantic. We know it as the Bermuda Triangle. Chuck Norris does not tolerate trespassers."
"One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself."
"There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks."
"Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125."
"Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg."
"Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with 6 bullets.....and wins."
"Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants."
"There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die."
"Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer."
"Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table of the Elements because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is surprise."
"On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here.""
"Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always."
"When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down."
"Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets becuase they know better."
"Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated."
"Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why."
"Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon."
"Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling."
"The Earth doesn't revolve. It's just trying to get away from Chuck Norris."
"The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins."
"If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris."
"The Sun rises in the East because it needs the entire day to work up the courage to face Chuck Norris in the West."