Forget it. I'll just go play with crayons.
I was in my apartment, staring at a coloring book and my crayons. I began coloring in some picture of a lion. My cellphone rang. It was Castellani. He's drunk, and needs help. He says he's in a hole by the third street. Annoyed, but dutifully, I change, get into my car, and drive 12 miles down to the beach to look for him. I find him, Zima (another guy I work with), Richard (a third guy that I work with), and Peterson (you guessed it, I work with him too) all in a ditch struggling to get out of it. They get up, they start walking up the slope, they stumble and fall to their side, rolling back down. Richard, drunk, unable to stand up, lying on his back, still has a bottle of some kind of drink in his hand and he takes another sip of it.
Drunk people annoy me. I get mad at them very easily. *sigh*
Well, I end up half punching, half pushing them out of the ditch, then stuffing them into my car and dropping them off at Peterson's place. As I drag them to the porch, Peterson lazily hands me the keys to his apartment. I open the door and find a couple making out in the living room. They stop and I just start dragging the drunken idiots into the living room floor. After depositing the bodies I give the key to the guy who by now is in pants and he asks if I'm going to call the cops. First thing that comes to my mind? I tell him, "Forget it. I'll just go play with crayons."
I get the two house breakers out of the house, then I secure the apartment, throw Peterson's keys onto his desk, and go home.
Why was I coloring books? I saw they had a few at Wal-Mart. I had nothing better to do. I was sick of studying for the ACT. So I bought a coloring book and some crayons. Very entertaining, somewhat stupid though...
I've been unable to cook for myself the past week that I've been back. Most days I only eat a few snacks at work. I've lost 33 pounds since I last checked my weight. This is getting ridiculous and dangers. I noticed last Friday that I was getting dizzy and having stomach aches. Since then I've been forcing myself to eat stuff everday. It's just, things aren't appetizing anymore.
I feel completely ready for the ACT. I'm going to the office tomorrow to setup a date when I can take it. I hope I do well.
-------------------
My plans for the future? I don't know yet, really. I don't want to go back home. Never again. Well, maybe to visit once a year or something, but that should be about it...
After I get out of the Navy I will then have no where to go and nothing to do. I'm hoping to get into a university and study something. Which university? What will I study? Who knows. I've contemplated (and highly considering) just doing something completely random and moving to Australia to live with my friend there. I've talked to him a bit for the past week and he's moving out of his apartment next year, nowhere to go, nothing to do, just wants to start school and maybe work a bit. I dunno. Maybe I'll move to Australia. I always did like "island"-type countries. People there just seem more laid back and happier. Mmm...
As for what to study? I really feel like I should do some service to humanity. But then, I want to have food to eat, a place to live, and internet too (how else will I watch youtube?).
My mom wants me to become a doctor (Asian parents, go figure). But, how hard is that? My dad says I should be a lawyer (ha, Asian parents). But I'm probably more likely to get sued for punching people in court than making money. =_=
I wouldn't mind being a police officer. But then I'd be bored. And I'd probably get in trouble. Arming me with a deadly weapon is never a good idea.
Maybe I'll work on becoming a career counselor of some sort. Then I can tell people what to do with their lives and laugh at them. :D
-------------------
I've begun spending my days and time at a park about 5miles from my apartment. I've never really explored it before. The other day, I went running and found that they had constructed half of a skate park there. Very incredible. I'm now looking into buying a pair of aggressive inlines and trying it out again. Problem is, I don't want to go up there and look like an idiot by myself. =_=
Kind of hoping someone would come along with. Don't think that's going to happen though. If my friends are always drunk and they can't even get out of a ditch in the ground then equipping them with rollerblades is perhaps more stupid than giving me a deadly weapon. Heh. :D
Hitting 25+mph going running in a small maze is surely exciting. Problem is, I need a pair of aggressives. And they aren't cheap...
-------------------
All in all, it feels as if my life is already over. I will remain, for another 50-60 years or so, maybe more, maybe less. With nothing to do and nothing that will happen. I've lived two lives. In once, I was incredibly happy and there wasn't a thing in the world that could darken the day. Every moment I breathed, every moment I could jump up and run anywhere, every moment, was a moment worth living for, and I wanted those moments to last forever. Life was beautiful, and I loved it.
And now. Everything is a pointless. No matter what you do, how rich you are, how strong you get, how beautiful you are, how smart you are, how wise you become, it all ends eventually.
Great kings and heroes of the past walked this Earth. Now, we don't even remember half the things they did. And when we do, we have to remember, these legends of history are just other people.
You wake up, go to work, go about your day, go to sleep. Only to have it repeat, for the next 60 years. One day, you may no longer be able to work. One day, you may notice you can't run as fast anymore, or as far. One day, you realize your eyesight is getting bad. And then, one day, before you can acknowledge it, you're lying on the floor, dead. And that's how life is. After you pass away, no one will mourn, no one will remember. Because you are a memory. And memories are lost and forgotten, they are drowned by time and new memories. You cease to exist the moment you die.
There is nothing beyond that. So, it's all so pointless, isn't it?
-------------------
And the funny thing is. I find myself arguing with... myself, of course. On one shoulder, I have the memories and the smile that I used to have. Telling me to quit being a loser, stop moping around, life is life, enjoy it, eat a jalapeno and scream for the next hour, spend the night at Wal-mart (it's open 24 hours a day), do whatever you want. Then on the other shoulder, I have the me, now, telling myself to shut up and just sitting around, realizing how truly stupid it all is.
Right now, I'm sort of in between, I guess. Sometimes, I'll smile, and I can laugh, and I can make jokes, and I can go outside. Other times, I sit in my melancholy and accept the solitude that comes with it.
-------------------
The room is quiet. I've moved all of your stuff into one corner. I don't know what I'm going to do with it all. I still have the piece of chocolate you gave to me. A chocolate heart, inside a little metal container. I was going to cherish it forever. Now I want to throw it against a wall and smash it. But I can't even bring myself to do that. There's the little stuffed bear. I used to prop it up in front of me before I went to sleep and I would talk to it. Tell it of my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my thoughts. And at the close, I would tell it goodnight and it would act as a guard, keeping nightmares and demons away while I slept. Now, I seeing it brings tears to my eyes.
I don't think, you ever loved me the way I loved you. In my heart, you were the only thing that mattered. In your heart, what was I? At best, a piece that didn't quite fit.
I think, I've decided, that even if life is bitter. Even if it is pointless, I will continue to live and I will continue to do my best. I can't forget you. But everyday that passes by I steel myself and purposefully make your smile less and less important to me. It's the only way I can be, the only way I'll ever be. I want to see now, how far I can go until it catches up to me. How far I can run until I'm out of breath. How long I can be still, until I need to move. If anything, for myself, I will do these things; because myself is all I have left.
Drunk people annoy me. I get mad at them very easily. *sigh*
Well, I end up half punching, half pushing them out of the ditch, then stuffing them into my car and dropping them off at Peterson's place. As I drag them to the porch, Peterson lazily hands me the keys to his apartment. I open the door and find a couple making out in the living room. They stop and I just start dragging the drunken idiots into the living room floor. After depositing the bodies I give the key to the guy who by now is in pants and he asks if I'm going to call the cops. First thing that comes to my mind? I tell him, "Forget it. I'll just go play with crayons."
I get the two house breakers out of the house, then I secure the apartment, throw Peterson's keys onto his desk, and go home.
Why was I coloring books? I saw they had a few at Wal-Mart. I had nothing better to do. I was sick of studying for the ACT. So I bought a coloring book and some crayons. Very entertaining, somewhat stupid though...
I've been unable to cook for myself the past week that I've been back. Most days I only eat a few snacks at work. I've lost 33 pounds since I last checked my weight. This is getting ridiculous and dangers. I noticed last Friday that I was getting dizzy and having stomach aches. Since then I've been forcing myself to eat stuff everday. It's just, things aren't appetizing anymore.
I feel completely ready for the ACT. I'm going to the office tomorrow to setup a date when I can take it. I hope I do well.
-------------------
My plans for the future? I don't know yet, really. I don't want to go back home. Never again. Well, maybe to visit once a year or something, but that should be about it...
After I get out of the Navy I will then have no where to go and nothing to do. I'm hoping to get into a university and study something. Which university? What will I study? Who knows. I've contemplated (and highly considering) just doing something completely random and moving to Australia to live with my friend there. I've talked to him a bit for the past week and he's moving out of his apartment next year, nowhere to go, nothing to do, just wants to start school and maybe work a bit. I dunno. Maybe I'll move to Australia. I always did like "island"-type countries. People there just seem more laid back and happier. Mmm...
As for what to study? I really feel like I should do some service to humanity. But then, I want to have food to eat, a place to live, and internet too (how else will I watch youtube?).
My mom wants me to become a doctor (Asian parents, go figure). But, how hard is that? My dad says I should be a lawyer (ha, Asian parents). But I'm probably more likely to get sued for punching people in court than making money. =_=
I wouldn't mind being a police officer. But then I'd be bored. And I'd probably get in trouble. Arming me with a deadly weapon is never a good idea.
Maybe I'll work on becoming a career counselor of some sort. Then I can tell people what to do with their lives and laugh at them. :D
-------------------
I've begun spending my days and time at a park about 5miles from my apartment. I've never really explored it before. The other day, I went running and found that they had constructed half of a skate park there. Very incredible. I'm now looking into buying a pair of aggressive inlines and trying it out again. Problem is, I don't want to go up there and look like an idiot by myself. =_=
Kind of hoping someone would come along with. Don't think that's going to happen though. If my friends are always drunk and they can't even get out of a ditch in the ground then equipping them with rollerblades is perhaps more stupid than giving me a deadly weapon. Heh. :D
Hitting 25+mph going running in a small maze is surely exciting. Problem is, I need a pair of aggressives. And they aren't cheap...
-------------------
All in all, it feels as if my life is already over. I will remain, for another 50-60 years or so, maybe more, maybe less. With nothing to do and nothing that will happen. I've lived two lives. In once, I was incredibly happy and there wasn't a thing in the world that could darken the day. Every moment I breathed, every moment I could jump up and run anywhere, every moment, was a moment worth living for, and I wanted those moments to last forever. Life was beautiful, and I loved it.
And now. Everything is a pointless. No matter what you do, how rich you are, how strong you get, how beautiful you are, how smart you are, how wise you become, it all ends eventually.
Great kings and heroes of the past walked this Earth. Now, we don't even remember half the things they did. And when we do, we have to remember, these legends of history are just other people.
You wake up, go to work, go about your day, go to sleep. Only to have it repeat, for the next 60 years. One day, you may no longer be able to work. One day, you may notice you can't run as fast anymore, or as far. One day, you realize your eyesight is getting bad. And then, one day, before you can acknowledge it, you're lying on the floor, dead. And that's how life is. After you pass away, no one will mourn, no one will remember. Because you are a memory. And memories are lost and forgotten, they are drowned by time and new memories. You cease to exist the moment you die.
There is nothing beyond that. So, it's all so pointless, isn't it?
-------------------
And the funny thing is. I find myself arguing with... myself, of course. On one shoulder, I have the memories and the smile that I used to have. Telling me to quit being a loser, stop moping around, life is life, enjoy it, eat a jalapeno and scream for the next hour, spend the night at Wal-mart (it's open 24 hours a day), do whatever you want. Then on the other shoulder, I have the me, now, telling myself to shut up and just sitting around, realizing how truly stupid it all is.
Right now, I'm sort of in between, I guess. Sometimes, I'll smile, and I can laugh, and I can make jokes, and I can go outside. Other times, I sit in my melancholy and accept the solitude that comes with it.
-------------------
The room is quiet. I've moved all of your stuff into one corner. I don't know what I'm going to do with it all. I still have the piece of chocolate you gave to me. A chocolate heart, inside a little metal container. I was going to cherish it forever. Now I want to throw it against a wall and smash it. But I can't even bring myself to do that. There's the little stuffed bear. I used to prop it up in front of me before I went to sleep and I would talk to it. Tell it of my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my thoughts. And at the close, I would tell it goodnight and it would act as a guard, keeping nightmares and demons away while I slept. Now, I seeing it brings tears to my eyes.
I don't think, you ever loved me the way I loved you. In my heart, you were the only thing that mattered. In your heart, what was I? At best, a piece that didn't quite fit.
I think, I've decided, that even if life is bitter. Even if it is pointless, I will continue to live and I will continue to do my best. I can't forget you. But everyday that passes by I steel myself and purposefully make your smile less and less important to me. It's the only way I can be, the only way I'll ever be. I want to see now, how far I can go until it catches up to me. How far I can run until I'm out of breath. How long I can be still, until I need to move. If anything, for myself, I will do these things; because myself is all I have left.