That there, that's not me
It's been almost six months since Tom & I broke up. I'm the first to admit I haven't been the kindest or most patient person with him, but I always told him the truth, and I always told him I'd be there for him.
So now it feels like I've been stabbed in the heart to learn that he's been sleeping with the one person I always hoped he wouldn't be. I know I gave up any right to him when we broke up, and honestly, I think I could get past the idea that he's been fucking that bitch, but for months he lied to me, telling me how lonely and unhappy he was. Every time I think about what they were doing when he was making me feel like such a bad guy, I feel physically ill.
We never had closure. We never broke up for any reason, actually, when it comes down to it. I mean, he never touched me anymore, he was spiralling into a deep depression, he couldn't take care of himself...but we were still in love. And I did it because he was too much of a coward to do it himself.
God, I feel fucking sickened. I always knew they would end up fucking. I could tell years back. She had wanted him for ages. I just feel so deceived by him. I accept that he was lonely, no one should be alone, but he point blank lied to me, even when I asked. Until yesterday. And then he laid details on me that I want to forget. I asked, it's my fault.
And then he still has the ridiculous stupidity to say he still loves me, still wants to be with me. There's that nausea again.
And he even defended her when I called her every foul name I could think of. I know I'm being childish, immature and hypocritical, but I have never felt so hurt in my life. Even Peter just fucked off and left me alone without a word. Total disconnection, the only way to move on.
The truth is, all these months of continued contact have been our downfall. Neither of us wanted to move on - indeed, couldn't move on - but I wasn't sure I could go back to him. I was sort of starting a new relationship, which was a terrible idea, and I backed out of that very quickly. And months went by. Apparently Tom & I both tried to get back together, but we never seemed to connect when it was important. There was too much hurt and anger between us.
And just when I say it's finally over, and try with my new relationship again, he drops this bombshell on me. FOR MONTHS, he was fucking her. All those sad fucking messages, all done between bouts of screwing. Well, congrats Tom, you finally got your revenge. Now we're both fucked.
I am so angry. I am so incredibly sickened. I feel totally used by him. I did do something horrible to him; I slept with someone three weeks after we broke up, and I told him. But I think we're even now. He has been seeing the one stupid slut in the whole world who I absolutely prayed he wouldn't. But I knew. I knew it would happen, it was only a matter of time.
I am never wrong, much to my own disappointment sometimes.
That arsehole. He vehemently denies using me, protests that he still loves me, but it changes nothing. Where was his little tramp to help him move house? Where were his dear friends during every problem he's had in the last 6 months?
I may not have been the greatest girlfriend in the world, but after we broke up, I was determined not to let him feel the way I did when Peter left me. I remembered how shattered I was. I tried really hard not to lose my temper at Tom. I took his accusations. I let myself be the bad guy.
And now my heart has been dug out of my chest.
I told him I fucking hated him. I deleted him from my phone. And now I don't want to be touched or looked at ever again.
I want to be alone for the rest of my life.
So now it feels like I've been stabbed in the heart to learn that he's been sleeping with the one person I always hoped he wouldn't be. I know I gave up any right to him when we broke up, and honestly, I think I could get past the idea that he's been fucking that bitch, but for months he lied to me, telling me how lonely and unhappy he was. Every time I think about what they were doing when he was making me feel like such a bad guy, I feel physically ill.
We never had closure. We never broke up for any reason, actually, when it comes down to it. I mean, he never touched me anymore, he was spiralling into a deep depression, he couldn't take care of himself...but we were still in love. And I did it because he was too much of a coward to do it himself.
God, I feel fucking sickened. I always knew they would end up fucking. I could tell years back. She had wanted him for ages. I just feel so deceived by him. I accept that he was lonely, no one should be alone, but he point blank lied to me, even when I asked. Until yesterday. And then he laid details on me that I want to forget. I asked, it's my fault.
And then he still has the ridiculous stupidity to say he still loves me, still wants to be with me. There's that nausea again.
And he even defended her when I called her every foul name I could think of. I know I'm being childish, immature and hypocritical, but I have never felt so hurt in my life. Even Peter just fucked off and left me alone without a word. Total disconnection, the only way to move on.
The truth is, all these months of continued contact have been our downfall. Neither of us wanted to move on - indeed, couldn't move on - but I wasn't sure I could go back to him. I was sort of starting a new relationship, which was a terrible idea, and I backed out of that very quickly. And months went by. Apparently Tom & I both tried to get back together, but we never seemed to connect when it was important. There was too much hurt and anger between us.
And just when I say it's finally over, and try with my new relationship again, he drops this bombshell on me. FOR MONTHS, he was fucking her. All those sad fucking messages, all done between bouts of screwing. Well, congrats Tom, you finally got your revenge. Now we're both fucked.
I am so angry. I am so incredibly sickened. I feel totally used by him. I did do something horrible to him; I slept with someone three weeks after we broke up, and I told him. But I think we're even now. He has been seeing the one stupid slut in the whole world who I absolutely prayed he wouldn't. But I knew. I knew it would happen, it was only a matter of time.
I am never wrong, much to my own disappointment sometimes.
That arsehole. He vehemently denies using me, protests that he still loves me, but it changes nothing. Where was his little tramp to help him move house? Where were his dear friends during every problem he's had in the last 6 months?
I may not have been the greatest girlfriend in the world, but after we broke up, I was determined not to let him feel the way I did when Peter left me. I remembered how shattered I was. I tried really hard not to lose my temper at Tom. I took his accusations. I let myself be the bad guy.
And now my heart has been dug out of my chest.
I told him I fucking hated him. I deleted him from my phone. And now I don't want to be touched or looked at ever again.
I want to be alone for the rest of my life.