the future
ok, i know i never write, but at least this isn't a depressing entry. haha, i guess it is kind of whiny though...
i have decided that i am going to go absolutely crazy if i do not move out when i graduate. i feel awful because my mom is having health problems right now and could probably really use me around, and i'm gonna owe about $28,000 so, you know, not having to pay rent would be pretty amazing, and i feel like i am going to start my independent life in deep financial trouble if i move out right away. but the thought of not being independent is so incredibly frustrating. i already have to hold my breath and not yell at my mom about stupid little things, and inevitably every time i'm home i do or say something bitchy and then feel guilty for days on end, while mom thinks i don't respect her. i don't really know why this always happens, but megan says she has the same problem, so maybe it is just some restless need-to-move-on feeling that creeps up on you as years of college go by. anyway, not only do i have the money problem but i have friends who want to live in different cities so i would have to choose between them, plus i have a cat who pees on the floor.
and this is silly, because i love bryn mawr and i love having ppl around me all the time in a dorm and being close (as in walking distance) to my friends and having a meal plan. i love it and i am totally freaking out about graduating. i want to enjoy my time now. but every time i come home i get an overwhelming urge to look for apartments and jobs.
i can't stop fantasizing about having my own place, sharing it w/a friend (or a few friends), having jazzy around all the time, and being a young college grad in the real world. not being able to blow up at my mom because she borrowed my shirt without asking or used up all my soap or my favorite notepad. not picking stupid fights. instead, having her over for dinner every week.
but then i inevitably feel guilty because i am her only child and she is going to be really lonely without me. but maybe it wouldn't be that different from college? i mean, how much of the time am i home now anyway? but somehow it's different.
sigh.
i have decided that i am going to go absolutely crazy if i do not move out when i graduate. i feel awful because my mom is having health problems right now and could probably really use me around, and i'm gonna owe about $28,000 so, you know, not having to pay rent would be pretty amazing, and i feel like i am going to start my independent life in deep financial trouble if i move out right away. but the thought of not being independent is so incredibly frustrating. i already have to hold my breath and not yell at my mom about stupid little things, and inevitably every time i'm home i do or say something bitchy and then feel guilty for days on end, while mom thinks i don't respect her. i don't really know why this always happens, but megan says she has the same problem, so maybe it is just some restless need-to-move-on feeling that creeps up on you as years of college go by. anyway, not only do i have the money problem but i have friends who want to live in different cities so i would have to choose between them, plus i have a cat who pees on the floor.
and this is silly, because i love bryn mawr and i love having ppl around me all the time in a dorm and being close (as in walking distance) to my friends and having a meal plan. i love it and i am totally freaking out about graduating. i want to enjoy my time now. but every time i come home i get an overwhelming urge to look for apartments and jobs.
i can't stop fantasizing about having my own place, sharing it w/a friend (or a few friends), having jazzy around all the time, and being a young college grad in the real world. not being able to blow up at my mom because she borrowed my shirt without asking or used up all my soap or my favorite notepad. not picking stupid fights. instead, having her over for dinner every week.
but then i inevitably feel guilty because i am her only child and she is going to be really lonely without me. but maybe it wouldn't be that different from college? i mean, how much of the time am i home now anyway? but somehow it's different.
sigh.