Ba-Boom!
That's the feeling inside my skull right now. Theres a screaming kid banging away in there trying to get out.
Had a 10 yr old girl tell me yesterday my class was like a prison for kids.
My heart shattered. Literally had to take a deep breath to stop a sob, take a figurative step back and look at who was saying it and why. But those words. A shot to my heart.
Really, she had a point. I am not equipped for kids her age, it was rest time, and there really wasn't much for her to do besides color, read or watch the Disney movie. (those options would have kept me content at her age for HOURS, but I'm told I'm the odd duck nowadays).
But she also said this in response to my refusal to let her call her mother to come and get her and her sister. They wanted to call their mother after I told them to stop fighting with another set of siblings (also in the older age group). Approximately 20 minutes after their arrival.
The school was not prepared for school age kids when they opened their 'summer camp'. Now I am paying for it with headaches.
I am trapped in constant overstimulation again. I go to work and the kids don't stop. We don't have breaks. Literally. Lunch is eaten in the room during nap. And once 2:30pm hits I am running, because instead of just my 18 kids i now have 40+ ranging from 3-10 years old with 3 aides. I come home and immediately someone in my family, an animal or five needs something. And then someone else is home. And the kitchen hasn't been cleaned for 3 days but I still need to make dinner and a cake, and I need to pay my credit card bill with all that remains in my account because I don't get paid until Friday and I have to make vet and grooming appointments for my dogs and the oil in my car still needs changed and I need to do my own laundry so badly that I'm down to the uncomfortable underwear and I may have to wear a dress to work tomorrow because I don't have any clean or even mostly clean pants. There are still 20 boxes in my room, some of which are even Empty, because I haven't had the time or the energy to deal with them. Mostly it's time though. When I physically am able, something 'for the family/to do my part/since I don't pay rent' comes up.
In the last two days my parents have both mentioned what a mess my room is. ( once to bring stuff to attic, once to test A/C because it's much cooler up here.) I nearly screamed. I should have. I should have asked them both When the Hell I was supposed to have been able to take care of that. Do they honestly think I enjoy tripping over boxes/ stepping over dirty laundry because the basket is full? When they are home, they call me antisocial if I'm upstairs. If they're cleaning down there, I have to as well. No matter what I am doing up here.
Every towel in the house (something like 30+) is 'suddenly' at 11:45 pm found to be dirty. Obviously I have 6 loads of laundry to do right there. Despite the fact that I use my two yellow towels, hang them up, use them again, hang them up, use them again and then wash them with whatever towels are in the laundry room at the time.
My dirty clothes come with me out of the downstairs bathroom after a shower, get dropped off in the laundry room. It just seems polite. No one wants to see that. Apparently others don't feel the same way.
So. I am tentatively scheduling Saturday as my mental health day. I am playing my fun Irish music, unpacking, doing laundry, rearranging, cleaning, maybe I'll get an audio book, getting a couple packages ready to mail off, trash taken out of here, things put away or stored in the attic, and reclaiming my space and my sanity. I am not going to be sucked into doing for others. I am not going to be guilted into cleaning/shopping/cooking downstairs.
Sunday, I would like to go out to the farm. Maybe even spend the night in Miss Dippity since I have Monday off. Then, I'll be ready for family festivities on Monday, if we have them.
Yes. That's what I need to do.
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